Ben Flajnik sings about his dick, viewers gag

Just when you thought The Bachelor's Ben Flajnik coudn't get any more repellant, up he pops on YouTube singing about his dick.

Not content with flashing his Little Ben all over national TV in Monday night's skinny dipping incident, this season's Bachelor has now surfaced in a Lonely Island-esque spoof music video called "Cream Dreams", in which he calls himself "The Storm Horse" and raps about how his "dick can fulfill your bedtime fantasies" with its "white pee".

Weirdly, this wig is better than his actual hair.

"If you'd just let me f*** you right I could be your cream dream every night," he sings, which I think is the same line he used on Courtney in Monday's episode.

Note to Ben: You are not Andy Samberg.

Meanwhile - WHY IS THIS GUY STILL SINGLE? A mystery for sure.

Enjoy the 3.45 of pain below. Hey, at least it's not 1.5 hours of pain like every episode of The Bachelor.

(And if you haven't read my Bachelor episode recaps yet, DO IT!)

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The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E5

Having already survived the non-stop thrills of Sonoma and Utah, The Benchelor this week ups the ante by taking his harem to Puerto Rico (or more specifically: Vieques Island, Puerto Rico, which I think translates to "Island of Spray Tan and Breakdowns".)

Meanwhile, what's with all these destinations? When did The Bachelor turn into The Amazing Race? Why don't they just rename it The Amazing Bachelor and be done with it.

Hmm, maybe "amazing" isn't really an option.

Amid all the serenity and beauty of tropical Puerto Rico it's good to see the epic battle of Emily and Courtney is still raging away from episode four - a war so fiercely fought, the other women have stitched a tapestry to commemorate it.

For generations, historians will attempt to unravel its secrets.

"I absolutely feel that Courtney's not good for Ben," whinges Emily, while every red blooded male watching this show (ie: all three of them) beg to differ.

"She better watch her back because if she slips up with me again I will embarrass her so bad," says Courtney, who wins this week's award for Most Ironic Ironic T-Shirt Ever.

If by "nice" you mean "rip off Emily's head and verbally assault her".

Chris Harrison turns up to collect his paycheck and says a few things on the way through like "rose ceremony" and "one on one date" before handing Jamie the first date invitation to read out because, well, what - you think HE'S going to read it?

"You're kidding, right?"

Jamie does a great impression of a lost American tourist reading directions out of a Spanish guidebook and dental hygienist Nicki screams. I didn't really pick up what was said, but I THINK Nicki is going on a date to the train station with Ben.

"Los huevos rancheros amigos para siempres Corona burrito."

Nicki races off to get dressed and perfect her dentist drill vocal impression, while Courtney mopes on the couch, ruminating over her war with Emily.

"She's still on my list and once someone's on my list they're kind of dead to me, there's nothing you can say to recover from that, YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF, BITCH," she says.

Just a reminder.

"If I don't get a rose tonight I will be extremely bummed," says Nicki, revealing a somewhat controversial strategy for staying on the show. However you get your kicks, girl.

Meanwhile - nice try ABC, but are we actually supposed to believe that each of these girls is living out of A SINGLE CARRY ON BAG on this show? They've each got more costumes than Lady frickin Gaga. One of Blakely's bras would barely fit in one of those things. You'd need at least two just to carry Elyse's spray tan.

I call bullshit.

"Nicki brings out a playful side in me, almost like a kid side of me," says Ben who, just to remind you, has already skiied down a street in the buff, performed in a pantomime and twirled batons with Kacie B. Good to see he's finally discovering his childish side, though.

Suddenly a helicopter appears and, at exactly the same moment, Nicki is attacked offscreen by ninjas who start beating her with sticks and giving her Chinese burns. At least I ASSUME that's what happens, as that's the only thing that can explain her incredible high pitched scream.

As it turns out she's just REALLY excited to see a helicopter, which seems to be a recurring theme on this show. Anyone else think these girls should just marry some helicopter pilots and be done with it?

"Oh the weather couldn't be nicer!" exclaims Ben, in what is otherwise known as "a huge cue for the weather to change".

"It's like god is smiling down on us right now," says Nicki, in what is otherwise known as "the second huge cue for the weather to change".

While they're both waiting for the emotional drama that will no doubt ensue from the oncoming rainstorm Nicki and Ben stop to sample one of Puerto Rico's local delicacies, "Piragua", otherwise known as "Cock in a cup":

"Wrap your lips around that one, babe."

"What could possibly go wrong?" says Nicki 30 seconds before things go drastically wrong and the two get caught in a torrential downpour.

If this were Courtney, she'd just take off that wet dress and saunter through the storm naked. Thank god it's not Courtney.

"Nicki's flexibility and being able to go with the flow is really attractive to me," says Ben, which is good because it's safe to say that Nicki's sodden hair and stick-on, vomit-coloured dress is NOT attractive to him.

Soaked through, the two decide to go on a shopping spree to "try and find the most authentic Puerto Rican outfits we can".

Oh please. PLEASE.

"Ben is moo-ey, moo-ey, moo-ey cally-entay!" enthuses Nicki, who has somehow managed to choose the one dress in Puerto Rico uglier than the one she had on. As she walks down the street children chase after her asking when the circus is starting.

Still, at least she doesn't look like an extra from the Smooth Criminal video.

Their date gets even more thrilling when they crash a stranger's wedding and ruin it for everyone by sitting out the front of the church with TV cameras crapping on about relationships.

"You think they already got married?" asks Ben as the bride heads in to the church, demonstrating a worrying lack of understanding of how a wedding works.

Or perhaps he's just asking if 26-year-old divorcee Nicki thinks the bride has been married before. Takes one to know one, right?

"I think being married is very different from being engaged," says Ben while collecting the inaugural No Shit Sherlock Award for Services to Obviousness.

"This could be my second chance at my fairytale, and I'm so ready," grins Nicki.

Meanwhile, anyone who uses the word "fairytale" to describe anything other than an actual fairy tale is a moron who probably wears too much pink and should be slapped back into reality. This goes double if the person is only 26 and has already been married and divorced once.

As they watch the bride finish climbing the steps to the church (which so far has seemingly taken her about 22 minutes) Ben ominously says: "I want to walk away with a woman at the end of this", as if he needs one more to complete his collection or something.

Er, well...

Cut to night time and Ben and Nicki are by the beach among lush tropical greenery, listening to all the croaking frogs and... oh no wait, that's just Nicki talking.

It seems Ben has found the perfect conversation topic for a first date - Nicki's divorce.

Nicki starts talking about her ex and marriage and couples therapy while Ben nods sagely and pretends to look interested. I have to admit I missed most of her speech, because I was distracted by a piece of fluff on the carpet that was frankly more interesting.

Fortunately we cut away from this thrilling discussion to check back in at the Piss Up Palace where Blakely the 34-year-old Hooters waitress and Elyse the human Cheeto have interrupted the ladies' "Wine, Cheese and 18th Century French Philosophy" evening by arguing over who should get the next solo date. Rude.

"Time out guys, can we get back to Voltaire's views on theology?"

The group date card arrives and Elyse's name isn't on it meaning she's scored herself the week's second solo date. She's so happy she sheds some of her cheese flavouring.

Meanwhile, what name does Blakely have hanging around her neck?

Jed? Jess? Jo? Tex? Ted? Fox?

Perhaps it's the combination to her brain.

Back at Boring Beach Ben announces he doesn't care that Nicki is a divorcee at 26, possibly because he is distracted by her cleavage (or by the jugglers under her circus tent dress) and in a completely unpredictable move, pashes her and gives her a rose. Glad we came all the way back here for that.

We move on to this week's group date, on which The Benchelor has craftily promised The Women something to do with "diamonds".

Potential activities for this date:

• A visit to a foundry where The Women will be made to carve their love on a concrete effigy of Ben using diamond-tipped drill bits;



• A trip to a South African diamond mine where The Women will be forced to work for no pay, and prove their love for Ben by being the first to break out;



• A night at a Neil Diamond concert;



• Anything at all that has absolutely nothing to do with wearing or receiving actual diamonds.

As it turns out Ben was referring to a "baseball diamond", and all The Women are going to have to suit up and start swinging bats for the afternoon, which is actually more disappointing than any of the above options.

Everyone's wearing their tightest singlets and their tiniest shorts for what is basically a game of baseball as styled by The Playboy Channel. Let's call it "Assball". While we're at it, let's get all of the sexual innuendo out of the way right now too:

• Gripping sticks



• Playing with balls



• Going deep



• Fourth base



• Scoring



• Gripping one's helmet while sliding into third

OK, so I made that last one up but it's good, isn't it? I bet Blakely would use it.

Speaking of innuendo, I feel that Ben's t-shirt is rather overstating his attributes.

Don't flatter yourself, mate.

The Women start racing around the field doing sprints and drills as a bunch of professional baseballers yell instructions at them while Ben watches from the sidelines. Just to remind you, this is a date.

Would still rather do this.

It's all gone a bit A League of their Own, although it's unclear which one is Rosie O'Donnell.

I guess it's him.

"Do you catch it like this, or like this?" shrieks some unnamed blonde, turning her hand around as millions of viewers slap their foreheads while muttering "That's right, you catch a ball ON THE BACK OF YOUR HAND."

Suddenly - the sky darkens and the wind starts whistling through the bleachers. Somewhere, a dog barks.

He always pops up when you least expect it.

The Harrison announces The Women will be split into two teams and made to compete in a baseball match, the winners of which will get to party on Boring Beach with Ben. The losers will, of course, be sent to a south east Asian concentration camp to manufacture fake Louis Vuitton wallets for export.

"I want to win this game so bad, I can literally taste it," says Blakely, who may or may not be actually tasting last night's chilli instead. It's hard to say.

"Blakely is a champion out there - who knew strippers could play baseball," slags Courtney.

What follows is 10 minutes of baseball, which is to say I take a 10 minute nap. I wake up just in time to see Jennifer lose the game for the blue team by standing still to watch the pretty balls whizz past her face.

"What was I supposed to do with this big stick again?"

Helicopter envy sweeps the stadium again as the red team gets ferried off in yet another chopper, and we lurch forward in what is proving to be the most boring episode of The Bachelor yet. Hopefully Kacie B will fall out of the chopper, or Blakely will commit hara-kiri with her bat just to liven things up a bit.

Courtney punches herself in the eyes, a thoughtful gesture that many have already considered doing, but thrill is short lived.

"I'M NOT THREATENED!"

The red team goes off with Ben to sit around a campfire and drink cocktails, while the blue losers get on a bus and cry all the way back to Goon HQ. Never mind, I'm sure they'll find something there to drown their sorrows.

Add some Adele and you've got a pity party!

"I can only handle so many more group dates where my head just pops off, I'm getting exhausted," sighs Courtney as everyone sits around on Boring Beach drinking mojitos.

Sorry, have I missed these? When has Courtney's head popped off? What was underneath it?

Oh. OK, then.

Meanwhile, it seems the shampoo situation here on Puerto Rico is even more dire than back in America.

Just let your Soul Gloooooow!

Let's check back in at the Silicone Shack shall we? Oh look, Elyse is applying more orange foundation and practising her patented "attractive" face for her upcoming solo date.

That's sure to win Ben over, I'm positive she'll get a rose. FOR SURE.*

*Note: may not actually be sure.

Over on the Beach of Wasted Youth, Courtney has reattached her head and is musing over her next plan of attack.

"I don't need roses, I need more time," she says. "And eye of newt, bill of duck and three dozen babies. AND A CAULDRON."

Sadly Courtney doesn't get all the ingredients in time (eye of newt is really hard to find in Puerto Rico)(three dozen babies, not so much) and she fails to cast her evil spell, so Kacie B ends up getting the group date rose.

And THERE'S the duck bill.

"Can I steal you?" Courtney says to Ben, leading him off down the garden path to the sand where OH MY GOD WHO IS THAT?

"Hey Gary, am I in shot? I SAID AM I IN SHOT? Oh, I am?"

The professionalism on this show is overwhelming.

Courtney may have given up on witchcraft but she proves she's still a wordsmith and a scholar with a heart rending speech professing her love for Ben.

"It would just be nice to like spend some time with you and like alone like not in this setting like that's what I need at this point like just you and me like I went swimming the other night in the ocean and it was like all I could think about was you and like it's romantic here," she says.

Nicely put.

Sensing her monologue has been lost on The Benchelor, she launches herself at him instead, wrapping herself around him and cooing "If only we could just have a bottle of wine and GO SKINNY DIPPING!"

Now, having a half drunk model drape herself over one while declaring she wants to get naked is not usually considered cause for alarm for most straight men.

Ben is not most men.

Scared. As. Fuck.

"Er.. I don't doubt that that won't be fun," stammers Ben in an absurdly constructed double negative that even Deep Blue would struggle to decipher, before ushering Courtney off the beach and back to the safety of the fully clothed campfire party.

Everyone has a nice cold shower and goes to bed early, and they all wake up refreshed and bushy tailed (or if you're Blakely, just bushy) to prepare for Elyse's one on one date.

"Let's find love somewhere private," reads Courtney from Ben's date card. That makes a nice change from last night, when Ben almost found love IN someone's privates.

Elyse manages to put on the only dress in Puerto Rico that is more orange than her tan, and heads off to the Snooki-themed fancy dress party Ben is throwing on the other side of the island.

"Do we have any pickles?"

"Ohhhh... what a SIGHT!" exclaims Ben as Elyse careers towards him down the garden path which, let's face it, is up there with "What is THAT on your face?" and "Do you mind if I bring my workout buddy Chip along?" as the top things you don't want your date to say.

"That thing is SO BIG!" shouts Nicki which, funnily enough, ranks as the number one thing most guys DO want their date to say.

Although this time it appears Nicki is referring to the big white yacht in the harbour. Ben sadly takes off his "gigantes" shirt and throws it in the bin.

Elyse and Ben get on the yacht and start steadily downing glasses of champagne. HOW COME NO ONE IS EVER HUNGOVER ON THIS SHOW?

"I gave up a LOT to be here," Elyse tells Ben, reeling off a list of things including her job, her best friend's wedding and her dignity.

They jump off the boat into the ocean but the combination of Ben's hair oil and Elyse's fake tan are enough to cause an international incident, and emergency crews have to be called for a cleanup.

"Why did we let them go in? WHYYYY!?"

After President Obama vows never to let the couple return to the water, Snooki and The Situation sit down to dinner and some awkward conversation.

"I'd like to propose a toast to the best dressed couple on the beach," says Ben.

Sadly the camera doesn't show whoever it is he's referring to - Ben himself looks like he's thrown on his Year 11 formal tux about 25 seconds before walking out the door. He looks like he smells of Bacardi.

"I bet the late fees on this rental are like, through the roof now!"

"I'm SICK of being SINGLE, I wanna be ENGAGED, I wanna get MARRIED," moans Elyse in between glasses of champagne in what is a note-perfect impression of:

A) Any single girl who's ever been to any wedding ever;

B) Any single girl who's ever been drunk, ever;

C) A girl on a first date who wants to make the man run away screaming.

Elyse follows up all this flirtatious talk by complaining about having not been on many dates with Ben, and feeling "left behind" the other girls, and how she's desperately looking for love and...

30 minutes later.

Finally Elyse pauses to take a breath and Ben jumps in with some kind words about their day and how nice Elyse is, but it's all working up rather obviously to the least surprising surprise ever - that Elyse isn't getting a rose tonight.

Well, not surprising for anyone with half a brain, at least. Elyse is rather taken aback. The moment she realises what she's being told is priceless.

The moment of recognition.

Hey, I know the perfect thing to do after breaking up - a romantic walk along the beach! Great idea!

"I don't know what I did wrong," Elyse wails as they wander along the sand.

"You didn't do anything wrong, you're an incredible, incredible woman," says The Benchelor somewhat unconvincingly, given that he's only really spent half a day getting to know her.

Actually, that was enough.

Elyse is bundled unceremoniously into a dinghy and is shipped off to Guantanamo Bay to the sounds of David Gray, while Ben wanders back to his hotel room to console himself with mini bottles of Jack Daniels and Toblerones.

IS he wearing his Year 11 tuxedo? At least get the pants re-hemmed, dude.

Meanwhile back at the Palais de Plonk, The Women are all sitting around playing Dungeons and Dragons when suddenly - the award for best performance by a valet in a reality TV series goes to...

THAT GUY.

"OH MY GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" everyone shrieks, grabbing their heads and wailing as the valet walks out with Elyse's sole piece of luggage, fake tan leaking from the corner.

"Maybe Elyse drank too much and the 'Jersey Shore' came out," says Courtney before shrieking "IT BLEW MY PANTIES OFF!" at nothing in particular which, as anyone knows, is about the Jersey Shore-iest thing one can say apart from "DTF".

"I'm gonna refresh him, I'm gonna rejuvenate him," says Courtney, heading off to Ben's room with a bottle of wine. So THAT'S what the kids are calling it these days - rejuvenation. Remind me to avoid that "rejuvenation facial" at my local salon then.

Ben arrives back at his room, totally devastated at having had to farewell Snooki the human Twistie, to find Courtney casually relaxing on the cold concrete stairs like the most ineffectual hitman ever.

"So nice to see you again, Mr Flajnick."

"I didn't think she would take initiative like that and break the rules," frets Ben. "I don't know how I feel about that."

There is a reason Ben's room has an entire wall covered with knobs. It's clearly a "knob" themed room. For knobs.

"I have some lotion in my pocket if you need a massage," slurs Courtney before casually opening up her robe to show off her lacy bra.

"Oh... my..." stammers Ben who clearly missed that first year university class "What To Do When A Half Naked Model Throws Herself At You With Wine And Massage Oil".

"Don't look don't look don't look, just keep drinking and maybe she'll go away."

"We could go to the beach and we could probably do something else too, if we're feeling frisky," she continues in what could easily double as an audition for Frisky Models Volume 3: Beach Babes in the Buff.

"As I'm talking to her I'm thinking - this is probably not a good idea, but at the same time I want to spend more time with her and she's taken it upon herself to magically appear on my doorstep," Ben says, which I think is Puerto Rican for "I want to see Courtney's tits".

"Have you ever gone skinny dipping?" she asks, as she starts taking off her robe on the beach and the cameraman practically does a baseball slide on the sand to get her full body in the shot.

THAT one's going on the Christmas reel.

While the cameramen are having the best night ever, Ben looks more frightened than anyone thought was possible for a man swimming with a naked model. Maybe he can't swim.

And as Ben's sea cucumber gets acquainted with Courtney's clam in the Puerto Rican ocean, we head back to the Prozac Pad where it's time for the rose ceremony.

Rose ceremony in a nutshell:

• What with Courtney swapping conversation for face sucking lately there's a position vacant for for "most vapid conversationalist" in the house, a role which is quickly filled by Jennifer.
  
  JENNIFER: "You're so easy to talk to."
  
  BEN: "Yeah, our conversations are easy."
  
  JENNIFER: "Yeah, they are."
  
  BEN: "Yeah."
  
  Well done, Jennifer. Well done.



• "I've always wanted to find love, and I've always wanted it to be right, that's why I'm 33 and still single," says Blakely, who is 34.



• As Blakely continues speaking to Ben orchestral music swells under her - either this is her Oscar audition clip, or it's her acceptance speech and she's about to be ushered off by Jack Nicholson.



• "I like to be in my birthday suit as much as possible," declares Courtney to no one in particular, before sighing "I wish we could go SKINNY DIPPING!". I think this is Spanish for "Christ, can you guys ask me if I've shtupped Ben yet so I can just tell you what we did last night? PICK UP THE CUE, BITCHES."



• Emily tries to impress Ben with her gardening prowess by doing an amazing demonstration of digging her own grave, apologising for bitching about Courtney last week before immediately bitching about her again. Ben is not impressed. Maybe she should have rapped it.



• A whole bunch of girls get roses, including Casey S, otherwise known as "who?".



• Courtney's night time minge flash gets validated with a rose, which reminds me of a commercial I saw once for Summer's Eve.

There's an almighty crack of thunder and the spectre of Chris Harrison comes on to announce the final rose, like that cloud that displays the laps in Super Mario Kart.

It's down to Emily the rapping LeAnn Rimes lookalike disease specialist and Jennifer the... was she an accountant? Ah who cares. Neither of them is guaranteed a rose here, because neither of them is Kacie B or Courtney.

And even though she's a massive bitch who is way more interested in Courtney than Ben, Emily gets the last rose and Jennifer gets sent off to GitMo to join Elyse despite being the only person in the house with natural skin tone.

But there's no time for sadness, they must move on to the next roadblock... or is it a U Turn? Or a detour? Whatever, next week they're going to PANAMA CITY!

"Oh. I was wearing one of those hats just two months ago."

---

STEP BACK IN TIME AND READ LAST WEEK'S Episode 4 | Episode 6 coming February 7.

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Adelaide, it's time to get out and walk

Hold onto your latte, Adelaide, because I'm about to share a great secret with you that will blow your mind.

Are you ready? You might want to sit down for this. Here it is: You and New York, you've got a bit in common.

Here, do you need a paper bag to breathe into? Are you alright? Now stop laughing, breathe deeply, and let me explain.

Obviously the Big Apple is much, well, bigger than you. Sure, it has a few more internationally famous landmarks. And I'm not going to lie, its nightlife is considerably more exciting.

But after reading the story online this week over the proposal to remove parking in Adelaide's CBD it hit me that there's one major thing you have in common with New York – and one major thing you could learn.

Here it is: both cities are very pedestrian-friendly, but only one knows how to actually encourage pedestrians.

Both cities are relatively flat, built on an easy-to-navigate grid and have pretty much everything one needs within walking distance (assuming you're sticking to one general area of Manhattan and not, say, attempting to walk from tip to tip).

The difference is that in New York people don't bat an eyelid at walking 10 blocks to get somewhere, even in the rain or snow. Suggest that kind of trip in Adelaide – say, from Parliament House to South Tce, and people will automatically reach for their car keys.

Is it because Adelaideans are lazier than New Yorkers? Probably. But it's more than that.

It's true that most New Yorkers simply don't have cars – on a tiny island crammed with 8 million people, it's practically impossible to even find a place to park one, so walking is something of a necessity.

However they do have one of the greatest public transport systems in the world in the New York subway. So why do so many people still choose to walk?

Here's the thing, Adelaide: walking is actually enjoyable. You see things you wouldn't see from the driver's seat, you interact with people, you feel the buzz of a place.

And for a small city that enjoys such great weather, wide streets, empty footpaths and picturesque views, it is quite simply crazy how reliant you are on the car.

You might say “But walking through Adelaide is boring, the only shops and cafes are on the major strips, and everything in between is dull.”

Maybe, but it's a vicious circle. More foot traffic through a neighbourhood means more vibrancy, more trade and more opportunities for business to thrive. It's no wonder Adelaide finds it so hard to develop new parts of town (the south west corner, anyone?) when no one will get out of their cars long enough to visit them.

This is why this whole kerfuffle over Adelaide's parking is so ridiculous.

The state retailers' association says the plan would kill retail in the CBD, as people would simply drive to suburban shopping centres instead where they can park their cars.

Er, isn't that already happening? Hasn't that been happening for years?

Maybe Adelaide should stop talking about how to accommodate more cars in the CBD, when it's patently obvious the suburbs are always going to win that battle, and work out what else it can offer shoppers. Like say, more footpath space for alfresco dining and better public transport – both projected results of, golly gosh, REDUCING PARKING SPACES.

Take a tip from the Big Apple: a vibrant city isn't about cars parked on streets, it's about people walking on them.

---

This article was first published in the Adelaide City Messenger on January 19, 2012.

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The Bachelor episode recap: S16 E4

After last week's Cray Cray Festival involving bikini skiing, bridge climbing, bitching and spontaneous fainting it's hard to believe The Bachelor could get any more nutso - but then Ben flies on in a helicopter and announces he's taking everyone to Utah.

THIS.

Utah? Maybe he's going to marry them all in one big, mormon ceremony and we can finish this shit right now!

Sadly that turns out not to be the case, but having Utah as this week's setting does mean we get lots of the following:

a) twangy guitar

b) sweeping landscape shots

c) wistful staring at said landscape

d) boot wearing.

So, you know, silver lining.

"I want The Women to experience the outdoors, the outdoors are a big part of my life," explains Ben, as if up until now they've all been stuck inside knitting.

As a side note - Ben may well be the only man ever to want to take 13 women who are all gagging for it OUTSIDE.

"Whenever I look outside I think this is the perfect place to fall in love," sighs Nikki, staring wistfully at the Utah landscape.

Millions of Mormons know this to be true.

But this isn't all majestic mountains and doe-eyed puppy love - THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. Enter host Chris Harrison to outline the rules of the day, the most important being: "If you get a moment with Ben, don't talk about the weather".

WEATHER TALK MAKE BEN ANGRY.

Time for the first solo date of the day, for which Ben has thoughtfully chosen washed-up movie star Tara Reid. Aw, that's nice of him, that will make her feel better.

Oh wait, it's actually Rachel.

Rachel is just one nip slip away from a perfect Tara Reid impression.

While perpetually hoarse-voiced Rachel heaves and hacks her way through explaining how excited she is to be going on a date with Ben like she's just smoked 20 packets of Lucky Strike, Kacie B retreats to the balcony for a picturesque whinge about how Ben didn't pick her. Again.

CUT AWAY TO GRATUITOUS SHOT OF ACCOMMODATION. CUT BACK TO KACIE B, CRYING. AGAIN. THIS TIME IN A DIFFERENT OUTFIT.

"I don't want to see him in a helicopter with another girl," wails Kacie B.

What about a hovercraft, Kacie B? Could you see him in a hovercraft with another girl?

Or a hot air balloon? Would that be OK?

What about a unicycle?

Before we get a chance to determine which modes of transport Kacie B would be content with Ben to use on his date with Rachel, Ben has zoomed off in a helicopter on his date with Rachel. Oh well.

They go to a secluded spot by the river where the only sounds are the trickling of water, the gentle swooshing of the amber trees and the chirrip of birdsong. Which is a pity, because it means Ben and Rachel's stupidly boring conversation is clearly audible.

Actually, it's less of a "conversation" and more of a "totally boring running commentary on how things are pretty and nice", to wit:

BEN: This is nuts.

RACHEL: God it's so pretty out here.

BEN: This is our lake for the day.

RACHEL: God this is too pretty. I'm so happy.

BEN: I'm glad that you're here.

RACHEL: Mmmm.

BEN: It's so... nice.

RACHEL: Mmm, for sure.

BEN: It's so... romantic.

RACHEL: It IS.

*SILENCE*

RACHEL: This IS nice.

Eventually Ben whispers "peace and quiet!" and kisses Rachel, presumably to stop her from musing on how nice things are. There's one way to get a kiss - just be so boring that there's literally nothing better to do with you.

Back at the Pinot Palace some amazingly unexpected things are happening, like the fridge is making things cold, water is making things wet, and Kacie B is whingeing. Again.

"I guesss I didn't think it would be this hard so soon," wails Kacie B, as millions of viewers around the country shout "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Back on the most boring date ever, Ben and Rachel have finished their dull conversation in the boat and have begun scene two on land.

BEN: You've been on dates every week!

RACHEL: Yeah I've been on group dates, but now I'm on a real date.

BEN: A real date.

RACHEL: A real date.

A conversation so dull, even inanimate objects can join in.

They drink some champagne in desperation for something to do, before staring awkwardly at each other for a while and talking about squinting. The dialogue is so sparkling, it could win a Tony for best stageplay:

RACHEL: I like how you're giving a little wink.

BEN: Am I? It's more like squinting right now.

RACHEL: No it's just like, cos I dunno, the sun... I've got the sun...

BEN: Yeah, you've got the worst of it. I have a hard time with my... my eyes.

RACHEL: I'll have nice... um... lines.

BEN: Really? Crow's feet?

*AWKWARD SILENCE*

BEN: God, it's nice out here.

RACHEL: It IS.

"Can we go home yet?"

"Rachel is beautiful and we have good chemistry, but the conversation was kind of lacking," says Ben, simultaneously winning both the "Least Accurate Description of Chemistry" and the "Understatement of the Year" awards.

"LOOK A BEAVER DAM!" he says, pointing at a pile of wood in a desperate effort to inject some excitement into the proceedings.

Ladies, if you're on a date with a guy and the most exciting thing that happens is that he notices a pile of logs, you're in trouble.

Meanwhile Rachel sadly misses an opportunity to make a joke about beavers and instead returns to blinking.

"She's tougher to read than the other girls," Ben says, charitably.

DO YOU MEAN BORING, BEN?

I'm assuming about 11 hours pass over the adbreak because by the time we return it's pitch black (Christ knows how they filled that much time with only one bottle of champagne and a beaver dam) and Ben is leading Rachel through the woods, perhaps to a clearing where he will behead her while shouting "A REEEEEAL DAAAAATE!" before disposing of her body in the picturesque river, purely for something to do.

But no, he takes her to a log cabin to indulge in some more awkward banter.

"This is the first one on one date where I'm a bit confused, it's not that my guard's up with Rachel there's just something I can't put my finger on," muses Ben.

HOW MANY CLUES DO YOU NEED, YOU IDIOT? SHE'S BORING.

Time for Act 3 of "Awkward Date", in which the repartee can be summed up by this one picture:

Back at the Moselle Mansion The Women are all getting excited about the next group date, except for Patti Stanger who is annoyed everyone is constantly breaking the two drink maximum rule at the mixer.

"I could organise a better date than this guy."

"What do you think he's looking for from us on a group date?" asks Kacie B, in a rare moment of not whingeing.

"I think he's looking for someone who can be friendly with everyone," says Emily.

"YEP THAT'S ME ALRIGHT. NOW HAND ME MY KNIFE."

Back at the Cabin of Boredom, Ben is struggling so hard to continue a conversation with Rachel he's practically yawning in the middle of sentences. Which is OK, because Rachel is only talking in non sequiturs anyway:

I can't wait to see this on Broadway.

The conversation turns to bad relationships and Rachel starts explaining her worst flaws, which is always a good way of winning someone's heart.

"For me in past relationships it's something I'm not good at, it is something I've struggled with," she says.

"What is?" asks Ben, completely confused.

"Communication," she says, thus somewhat proving her own point.

Ladies, if your date makes this face at you, start talking about football.

Clearly this is not going well. But still Ben avoids hitting the ABORT button on this date, or the EJECTOR SEAT button next to it, which would have been more interesting to watch. No, in fact he gives Rachel a rose, which at least means we can finish this arse-tearingly boring evening and move on to the group date which today is taking place in a field.

"The group date card said 'let's see if you're a good catch' and I absolutely think I'm a good catch," says Blakely, who has seemingly forgotten that she is a 34 year old Hooters waitress.

Suddenly Ben gallops up on a horse, sending The Women into paroxysms of hysteria, not least of all Lindzi who, in case you've forgotten, loves horses.

"My heart kind of melted when Ben rode up on a horse, I mean clearly I like horses so..." begins Lindzi.

But this date's not about horse riding. No, instead the Benchelor and his harem will spend the day indulging in that romantic, age-old sport - FLY FISHING. Not only will they all spend a magical day half submerged in water throwing sharp hooks around, they also get to wear fashionable fishing gear like this:

On a positive note, this is more clothing than Blakely has worn in about 25 years.

"It's really hard for me to see Ben with other women, because we have a connection," starts Kacie B. AGAIN.

Because she can't be left unacknowledged for longer than 30 seconds, Kacie B calls Ben over to teach her how to fly fish.

"See how your wrist is going? Not a whole lot of arm, just give it the right amount of wrist," says Ben, as Blakely runs over shrieking "PICK ME, I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!"

"Oh, you were talking about fishing."

"I know this is a fishing day but let's be honest, it's not about catching trout, it's about catching Ben," drawls Courtney The Model who, if nothing else, proves that she recognises a good visual metaphor when she sees one.

"I've never fished before but catching a fish is probably not a whole lot harder than catching a man," she slags, simultaneously making herself look like a harlot while denigrating the global fishing industry.

"I love spending time with Courtney, I don't know what it is - she just kind of gets it," says Ben, completely oblivious to the fairly obvious fact that Courtney is utterly hideous.

But at least they have one thing in common - their love of intellectual discussion. From the "you have great hair, no YOU have great hair" conversation of episode 1 to the "you look hot, no YOU look hot" discussion of episode 2, when Ben and Courtney are together it's like a veritable meeting of the minds.

"Mustard's my favourite condiment," he says.

"Me too - dijon," she says.

"Oh it's got to be spicy or dijon," he says.

"I was going to say that," she giggles.

SUDDENLY - the score swells with dramatic violins, the sky darkens and people turn in shock, horror registering on their faces. Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Pentagon lights start flashing and a siren wails. A security operative's mobile phone beeps with a message. His face freezes in abject terror but he pulls himself together, racing down hallway after hallway, barking orders like "ISOLATE SECTOR H!" and "LOCK IT DOWN!" to various terrified personnel before bursting through a door marked "DO NOT ENTER". Six marines draw their revolvers on him and shout "FREEZE!" but he knows this message is too important to worry about his personal safety - he pushes through the angry men and thrusts his mobile phone into the face of the bespectacled chief officer behind the desk.

FUCK.

As the US Armed Forces prepare for their raid on Utah, Courtney perfects her "I'm a cute wittle five year old" routine which, inexplicably, Ben seems to find attractive.

"Yay, I caught a weally big fishy wish for Benny Wen! Yummy num nums!"

Everyone manages to avoid punching Courtney in the face and they all move on to a hotel for cocktails and canapes, and a chat with some girl I have never seen before in three whole episodes. Ben decides to impress her by telling her he's been in love FOUR TIMES.

"FOUR? You're 28, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That's a lot, do you fall in love easily?" she asks, reasonably.

"Nooo!" he laughs, as if it's completely normal for someone to have fallen in love FOUR TIMES by the time they're 28.

"I mean that's since high school so that's 15 years, carry the two... that's pretty normal, I think," he says.

Just to be clear - THIS MEANS BEN IS COUNTING RELATIONSHIPS HE HAD WHEN HE WAS 13.

Suddenly Samantha, aka Lady Gaga, bursts in to lodge a formal complaint with Ben about not having had a solo date yet.

"I have such CRAZY feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a RING on my FINGER," she blurts in what could be mistaken for an audition for Fatal Attraction 2.
"I've been on THREE group dates, what are you OBSERVING?" she trills at the Benchelor, more than a little hysterically.

"To be honest, the group dates you've been on, you've been highly emotional," he snaps in what is obviously a complete lie - if Gaga had been anywhere close to "highly emotional" she would have taken at least some of Courtney's screen time.

"I'm wondering if you can continue to hang and be a part of this, I'm wondering if you're even here for me," he continues, as it dawns on Samantha that perhaps her strategy has backfired.

Trying to keep that p-p-pokerface.

"And THAT'S why you continue to be on group dates," he concludes, like an angry stepfather punishing his teenage daughter for drinking nanna's whiskey.

To hell with the rose ceremony, Ben, let's just punt this pop star right now.

"Based on your track record, I think we should probably end this," he says, somewhat mystifyingly.

Has anyone even SEEN Samantha on screen in the last three episodes? Has she even done ANYTHING? It can't be that she's boring - Rachel talked about crow's feet for 20 minutes and got a rose, for christ's sake.

Nevertheless, the die is cast - Samantha complained about not getting enough attention from Ben so he punished her.

THIS sort of complaining, on the other hand, is OK.

And so off trundles Samantha in a flurry of hysterical tears. Let's just hope Ben doesn't have a pet rabbit.

Meanwhile, Courtney seems to have really made herself at home in Utah.

Undeterred by Samantha's recent dismissal, Kacie B has YET ANOTHER whinge about having to share Ben with the other girls, and he somehow manages to not push her off the balcony and move on with his life.

"Today I wanted to kiss you so bad in the river... er, the creek... er, I mean... VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!" shouts Ben.

Not to be outdone in the moping stakes, Courtney combines both of her superpowers - behaving like an annoying five year old and acting put out - and managed to beat Ben into complete submission.

The whole "creepy towel" thing probably helped, too.

"I had a weally gweat day today," she says, sucking her fingers.

"I was surprised at how well you did!" smiles Ben, not at all minding the weird father role he's worryingly slipped into.

"I caught a fish!" she giggles.

Then Ben reads her a story, rubs her tummy and tucks her into bed with her favourite teddy. But not before she launches stage two of her attack, titled "When I'm not with you, I feel funny in my tummy".

"I'm having a rough time, I'm feeling down a little bit, I've lost sight of us a little bit," she whinges which, translated into English, means "GIVE ME A GOD DAMN ROSE, MOTHERFUCKER."

The deal is sealed when Courtney pulls her classic power move - the duck face:

"See how badly my self esteem is hurt? SEE IT?"

It's an impressive performance from Courtney, but her powers must be waning as it takes her at least eight goes at the duck face to get Ben to fetch her the rose.

Wow, she really IS a model.

Fortunately, Ben is a total moron so dutifully gives Courtney the rose in order to stave off her pending mental breakdown.

Things are getting far too exciting here, let's move on to Ben's solo date with Jennifer, a contestant absolutely no one cares about.

Continuing in the tradition of "Dates that could be the basis of a scene in Mission Impossible", Ben takes Jennifer to a giant underground cave and makes her rapel into it.

And here you thought bikini skiing was the worst date ever - try tandem bikini spelunking!

"I'm scared of heights," says Jennifer, displaying something of a lack of understanding of what a cave is.

Come on now. Scaling bridges, skiing down streets, rapelling into craters - who the fuck IS this guy? James Bond?

But Jennifer has to TAKE THE PLUNGE and DIVE INTO THE UNKNOWN to impress Ben, so with bad metaphors and dreams of quadraplegia dancing in her head, she strips down, straps up and jumps into the abyss.

Remember girls - if you're scared for your life, just ignore your own instincts. As long as it impresses the guy you're with. You can deal with the medical bills and life long debilitation later.

"I need someone who is flexible," says Ben, as Blakely divebombs from the top of the cave shrieking "I CAN PUT MY LEGS BEHIND MY HEAD!"

Meanwhile, if you thought this date couldn't get any worse, they then go to dinner in the middle of a rainstorm while discussing their "daily structure" ("I'm a nine to five girl, eight to four," Jennifer says) followed by a country music concert.

Would rather do this.

Of course he gives her a rose.

"I have a little piece of Ben that no one else does," swoons Jennifer, which explains why there's blood dripping from her jeans pocket and why Ben is now screaming in pain. It's only little, he won't miss it.

Back at Goon HQ, Courtney is beguiling everyone with her unique and original tales of how she "has heaps of guy friends" and is "more comfortable around guys than girls", which will certainly help cement her position as female viewers' favourite character on the show.

"I'm just not used to being around SO MANY WOMEN," sighs Courtney, who clearly

a) lives on the mythical planet of Testosteronia where women don't exist, and

b) takes longer than three whole weeks to get used to new situations.

I understand though because, for models like Courtney, it's really unusual to be around lots of women all the time.

Really very unusual.

I think it's just about time for the rose ceremony party, don't you? In a (large) nutshell (like say, a coconut):

• Emily wages war on Courtney, describing her as "a statue made of marble. It's really beautiful but it's cold and it's hard on the inside." Other similes Emily could have used include: a statue made of ice, something else made of ice, a badly microwaved frozen burrito.



• Emily sits down for a chat with Ben and, remembering Chris Harrison's warning, avoids discussing the weather. Sadly though she forgets the warning of all sane women everywhere: "Don't bitch about the girl the guy you like likes because he'll hate you for it". Her thinly disguised whingeing about Courtney's two-faced behaviour makes a huge BANG! sound as it backfires spectacularly.



• Courtney hears that Emily has bitched her out and spontaneously turns into Charlie Sheen, shrieking "WINNING!" at various intervals and angrily spitting tiger blood.



• "She talked about ME? I wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her," says Courtney, a plan which raises two potential problems:
  
  1) Ripping Emily's head off would constitute ACTUAL assault, rather negating the need for any verbal assault, and
  
  2) Ripping Emily's head off would kill her or, at the very least, render her unable to hear anything, making a subsequent verbal assault somewhat pointless.
  
  And of course, this is ignoring the fact that Courtney already launches a verbal assault on EVERYONE every time she opens her mouth.



• "She's on my LIST," threatens Courtney, leaving everyone wondering who else is on there.
  
  
  She REALLY hates Kool Aid.



• "Can you just look at the craziness outside?" exclaims Rachel, staring at the rainstorm. Unfortunately everyone is too distracted by the craziness inside to give a shit.



• "I don't start fights, I finish them," says Courtney through gritted teeth as she storms over to Emily's couch and commences a session of heavy staring.
  
  
  "Your girlish ways are no match for my duck face."



• Sadly Emily proves herself to have no cajones whatsover, and starts fretting and crying and OH GOD GIRL, GET A GRIP, YOU'RE BEING THREATENED BY A FIVE YEAR OLD WITH A DUCK FACE.



• Time for a drinking game! Down a shot every time someone says "emotions run high", "the stakes have been raised", "it's getting hard", or anything other than a straight "yes" to accept a rose, ie: "absolutely", "of course", "definitely" or "JUST GIVE ME THAT GOD DAMN THING!". Drink a double every time a woman whispers sub-audibly when accepting a rose.



• For some reason known only to the producers, Blakely gets a rose. As IF Ben is going to marry a Hooters waitress. No one marries Hooters waitresses, that's why Blakely is 34 and on a televised dating show.



• Everyone is shocked when Emily gets a rose. Oh MAN, now she'll just keep fighting with Courtney every episode! Oh, right...

Everyone gets a rose except Monica who is kicked out into the snow - bur not before grabbing Blakely's number on the way out.

Of course she did.

Now that's over, Ben can reveal the next exotic location on the group's itinerary - PUERTO RICO!

OMG!

"Oh, I was just there two months ago," says Courtney, disappointed at receiving a free tropical holiday to somewhere she's already been.

BITCH, PLEASE.

"Well... we're all going back," says the Benchelor, prompting another round of cheers and glass clinking.

"I can go higher than anybody!" gurgles Courtney, raising her glass.

Let's just hope someone has the foresight to slip some arsenic into it.

---

WANNA RELIVE THE PAST? GO BACK AND READ Episode 3 | GO FORTH AND READ Episode 5

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