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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

When B.O.B spells TERROR

misc_rantsIf your name is Bob, or Robert, or hell - even Rob (can't be too careful), watch out next time you're on a plane. You might not know it yet, but your name is DANGEROUS and THREATENING and could be considered a FULL-ON TERRORIST ATTACK.

I know this, because all over the Australian news today is the sad and sorry tale of United Airlines flight 840 to L.A, which was forced to turn back to Sydney after a TERRIFYING BOMB THREAT was found in the plane's first-class toilet.

Imagine the terror that struck the heart of the stewardess when she found the note, scrawled on a sick bag (probably by some shifty al-Q'aida operative masquerading as a life jacket or tray table)...

Imagine the adrenalin that coursed through her veins as she rushed the note to the pilot, all the while keeping her eye out for sticks of red dynamite with wires sticking out of them, or a big red box with TNT written on it...

Imagine the fear that struck the heart of the pilot as he beheld the horrible scratchings that adorned the brown paper bag, once so content to hold nothing but vomit and now MARRED FOREVER by these words of hatred:

BOB


Yes, that's it folks. BOB.

Are we to assume these terrorists can't spell? (IT HAS AN 'M' IN IT, YOU IDIOTS.) Should we perhaps start placing How to Compose a Bomb Threat cards in the seat pockets to avoid confusion?

Well, no, actually. According to the staff of Flight 840, the meaning of BOB was clear - BOMB ON BOARD.

Of course, as we all know, terrorists are fond of the quiet approach - leaving notes to be found and such. In the toilet. In first class. In cryptic acronyms. I can imagine them now...

TERRORIST 1: So, when are we going to.. you know?
TERRORIST 2: Sssh! They haven't found the note yet.
TERRORIST 1: What did you write?
TERRORIST 2: I made it EXTRA threatening - W.O.Y.C.S.W.B.U.T.P
TERRORIST 1: Watch out you capitalist scum, we're blowing up this plane?
TERRORIST 2: Got it in one.


HONESTLY! What is the world coming to when one can hold up a plane by writing an acronym on a sick bag? You don't even NEED a bomb anymore! Hell, you don't even need to bring in your own note paper!

Being that the note was 'left' in the first class toilet, you'd have to think there was a limited number of suspects to choose from: was it the rich guy in the suit? Or the other rich guy in the suit?

Even funnier is the revelation by airline staff around the country who swear that BOB is steward speak for Best on Board, and is a secret accolade given out by staff to the best looking passenger of the flight.

Still, at least we now have a profile of this terrorist - he's wealthy, good looking, and doesn't get air sickness.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

People are strange, when you're on Ebay...

misc_rantsIt's official. I've had my first nutter-on-ebay experience. From what I've heard, nutters are rife on Ebay, and I'd been feeling a bit left out that I hadn't come across any during my recent spate of sales (I need MONEY, dammit! Sell everything! Sell it all!!!)
 
*Ahem*. Anyway, that all changed last week when I got an email from a strange person advising me that if the winning bidder on my red leather boots fell through, he would buy them.
 
'Why didn't he just bid in the first place?' I thought.
 
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN KICKED OFF EBAY! That's right, this is what he told me. He also told me he had a comic book heroine fetish.
 
HURRAH! I thought. A real, bonafide, grade-a nutter. I had caught one at last!
 
Then he told me he wanted a photo of me wearing the boots, dressed as Wonder Woman, and I started to rethink the transaction.
 
Below is a copy of the email that greeted me this morning, and has left me in a state of near catatonia until now. Enjoy.
 
PS: All formatting is author's own. NUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hello I will go to bank Today and You will get a check for $59 to You -it's Better This Way-but I will Use Your e-mail name on the envelope. I wil try and get bank to make it in U.S.$'s but if I can't Your Bank should make No Fuss. Since Your Boots are Leather Insides I will buy. PetStarr when You mail the boots Please Let me Know Your Wishes should I Keep the Boots & Enjoy Them or Would Your have No Objection to Me Making Them a Present to a Tall Fashionable Female. I Say this PetStarr because I had e-mails & letters from Other Women Who Sold Me Their Boots Who Said I Hope You Enjoy the Boots-Please be Honest because I Know I Offended Many Women Who I said I make a Present of Them to Other Women. PetStarr We are both Adults I would also say to You before I get My Letter to You that Warner Brothers wants to make a Movie with a Wonder Woman Role & if You Fell You have the Looks Why not send a pictures of Yourself weaing the boots to Warner Brothers Pictures. PetStarr if Your Not Married or Engaged or Steadily Dating I would greatly Appreciate a Picture of You Wearing the Boots-Maybe dressed Up as a Comic Book Super Heroine-for Buying & Collecting Woman's Leather Boots is a Extension of My Collection of  Comic Books on Heroines/Super Heroines. PetStarr if You wish to wear the boots till You get My check I have No Objection-just without fake Man Made Stockings-They Don't Breather & Many Women have Trouble because They wear fake Man Made Shoes.Underwear & Clothing. PetStarr Don't be Mislead I'm Basically a Straight Guy-Former Asthmatic-Never did Illegal Drugs-Don't Smoke & Hardly Drink Booze. Maybe We will do Other Leather Boots Business. It's Unfortunate a British Seller after I Told Her I was Kicked off e-bay didn't want to sell Me Her White Leather Platform Boots. I have to go to Bank Now-I Hope Your Not Offended-Your Friend-RG (42 Year Old Big & Tall Single Man Who Buys a Pair of Leather Boots for a Female Friend-Fan)-

Monday, July 05, 2004

Vowel Play VII

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Vowel Play VI

And again....

By the way, suggestions for these are welcome. Just leave a comment and I'll see what I can do.


Disclaimer: bland canyon does not advocate the burning and/or smoking of religious figureheads, except for medicinal purposes.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Vowel Play V

Vowel Play IV

They just keep on coming...

Vowel Play III

Friday, July 02, 2004

Vowel Play II

More vowel play, a la Graham Rawle, for b3ta...

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Graham Rawle rocks...

...which is why I'm starting my own series of 'added vowels', inspired by his Lost Consonants pictures.

Ok, so I'm completely ripping him off. Whatever.