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Monday, August 30, 2004

Superchemicals at the supermarket?

PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR A RANT....

I was just at the supermarket, not 10 minutes ago (I know it seems like I go there an awful lot, but bear with me) and no, I wasn't buying turkey this time.

So anyway, I bought a bag of frozen chips, a bottle of juice and a box of dishwasher tablets. When I got to the checkout, the girl put the juice and dishwasher tablets together, and got another bag for the chips.

Being an environmentally conscious girl I said "Stick the chips in the same bag, please."

She looked at me like I had ordered her to stick the chips up her jacksy.

"But, but, there's dishwasher tablets in there," she said.

Erm, pardon?

"They're full of chemicals," she explained. (Unlike the chips, of course.) "You sure you don't want a separate bag?"

Cue my rant.

The dishwasher tablets are INDIVIDUALLY PLASTIC WRAPPED inside A SEALED PLASTIC BAG inside A SEALED CARDBOARD BOX. Not to mention the chips, which are also in ANOTHER SEALED PLASTIC BAG and probably full of weird-ass chip chemicals anyway.

What the HELL kind of superchemicals can bust through 2 plastic bags, a cardboard box, and another plastic bag to attack my chips? And even if they could, why would they WANT to? And for that matter, why wasn't the check out girl concerned about them infiltrating my juice?

Even if I licked the side of the dishwasher tablet box, and started chewing on the flap that says 'open other end', I doubt I would come to any grief from the chemicals within.

What is WRONG with people, and their obssession with putting things in individual bags, when they're already in individual bags in the first place? It pisses me off. Comments welcome.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Are you fat, jaundiced, have swollen feet and no hands? You too could be an Olympian.

misc_rantsFirstly, this:


Phevos and Athena, the official mascots of Athens 2004


What the HELL is up with these things? Aren't Olympic mascots supposed to be sporty? And Olympic? Aren't they supposed to inspire the kiddies to get active and go for gold?

These two need bedrest, and a good case or two of penicillin:

1. With swollen feet like that (suggesting a nasty case of gout, in my opinion), Phevos and Athena could barely make it to the shop for a litre of milk let alone run a marathon.

2. Their sallow complexions indicate they may have contracted hepatitis, probably from the backed up sewage system in the Olympic Village.

3. Who ate all the dolmades? Aren't we trying to put an END to childhood obesity? Hmm?

4. And how do you throw a javelin with no hands?


Not only this, but Athena seems to have been targetted by two marksmen, possibly terrorist snipers, who are trying to shoot off both her breasts. Welcome to Athens 2004 - the safest Olympics yet!

Then again, Phevos and Athena are obviously troopers, because despite their littany of ailments they smile on regardless. I guess that's true Olympic Spirit.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Softball is for softcocks

Calloo callay, the Olympics are here!! All shall rejoice in hours of sheer bliss, spreadeagled in front of the television, beer in hand, corn chips within reach, and warm, fuzzy slippers on feet....

Oh, what? It's not in Sydney this year?

Well, stuff that then.

Where's it on then? Athens? Pah. If it's not going on in my country, it's not going on my television. And fair enough, too, I say. What sort of criminal-minded psychotic wilfully stays up until 4am to watch the beach volleyball trials?

Ok, I've just seen their outfits. I know exactly who stays up to watch the beach volleyball. (And it can't be forlorn Baywatch fans, because those volleyball girls look like surfboards.) (Without the fins.) (Or the sex wax.)

But I digress from the main point of this article, which is the undeniable fact that softball is shite. You know it's true. But let's run through the evidence:


1. The fact that everything ever written about softball starts off "There is little soft about softball...", and contains various plays on the word 'soft' throughout. (And YES, I DO note the irony here, given the title of my own article)

2. A softball is 30.4 centimetres in circumference. BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU? Sure you can SEE that thing clear enough to hit? Maybe we should paint it ORANGE and put a BELL in it.

3. One of the positions is 'short stop'. Now that's just annoying.

4. It's basically exactly the same sport as baseball, which everyone outside of the United States knows to be utterly crap. Baseball is even MORE arse-numbingly dull than cricket (which everyone knows is the best sport in the world, because you can drink beer and consume an entire picnic with your mates, and still not miss a thing. And THAT'S if you're playing.)

5. In fact, it's actually described as "Another version of baseball, with a bigger ball, and a smaller bat." It's a women's only sport, and they BOWL UNDERARM! If that dosen't all scream SOFTCOCK I don't know what does.


Ah stuff it. I'm off to watch the beach volleyball.