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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A practical chick's guide to attending a cricket match.

1. It's not about the cricket.

The first thing to remember is that while you may think the purpose of going to the cricket is to actually watch cricket, it isn't. The purpose of the day is, in fact, to drink beer and leer at women. Let’s call it the "beer and leer" philosophy.

2. It isn't an oval.

The second thing to keep in mind is that while you may think you're at a sports oval, you're not. You are, in actual fact, in the middle of the world's largest outdoor strip club, and you are the main attraction (see point 1).

3. You are always on stage.

With these two points in mind, all women attending a cricket match must be expected to perform for the male spectators (after all, what else have they got to watch? A wicket? What the hell's that?)

This can be done in two easy ways:

a) Be blonde. If you're not blonde, dye your hair. Men can't be expected to focus on more than one hair colour, it confuses them.

b) Have breasts. If you're flat-chested, wear a push-up bra or get implants. It's only fair.

Now you've got the basics covered, simply follow these easy instructions to keep the spectators happy:

a) Check blonde hair and breasts are both still in place and easily visible.

b) Walk past male spectators to your chosen seat.

If you hear something that sounds like a Bundy-fuelled barroom brawl at the Cross Keys Tavern at 3am, you've done it right. If not, make blonde hair and breasts more prominent (say, by wearing a singlet or ill-fitting T shirt) and walk past again. If you still don't hear anything, the problem might be:

a) You are over 21.

b) You are wearing normal clothes.

c) You are walking next to a male friend. (NB: This is NOT a foolproof preventative measure)

PS: thanks to the boy who bought me and my friend beers because you liked my tits. Your quirky sense of humour and unabated enthusiasm for beer purchasing made you quite appealing, until you held a goon bag next to your crotch and asked me to "drink from your sack".

PPS: I tried to find a photo of a yobbo to accompany this post, but when I Googled 'lout', this is what I got. And, quite frankly, I prefer it anyway.


The cutest lout around?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

HAVE YOU SEEN MY PHONE?

misc_rantsThis is a completely pointless post, but if anyone has found a black Motorola V620 flip mobile phone somewhere between New Saigon restaurant and La Sing karaoke bar on Gouger St between the hours of 10pm Tuesday, Nov 1 and now - I will love you forever if you contact me at petstarr AT iinet.net.au

Similarly, if anyone knows anyone who has mysteriously "acquired" a new-but-scratched black Motorola V620 flip mobile phone, kick them in the goolies and then contact me at petstarr AT iinet.net.au

You never know - the way Adelaide works, this might just work.

Somehow I doubt it.


COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!