RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars season 3 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

RuPaul's Drag Race recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Seasons 6, 7, 8 and a bit of 9 recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Incredible Inedibles: Weird Japanese Buns

Despite almost permanently sacrificing my tastebuds last week investigating Haw Flakes - an evil, pretend "lolly" I found at the Chinese supermarket - I have decided to persist with my crazy food reviews for your reading pleasure.

Earlier this week I found myself once again in a Chinese supermarket (a different one, but inexplicably with EXACTLY the same layout - perhaps I have found some sort of Asian grocery tardis?) and as if by some magical, invisible cord of bad taste, was drawn to grab this product from the freezer:


FROZEN BUN!

Let's face it, who WOULDN'T buy this product? Well my sidekick Raoul, for one. He thought they looked like crap. I thought they looked ADORABLE - look at those happy little steaming, smiling buns! Sure the bigger one looks like he suffers from some degenerative blindness, which he has passed to the smaller one who is possibly his semi-retarded, partially blind carer, but anything that happy has to taste good, right?

At this point I might as well mention that there was no English on this packet whatsoever. I might also point out the obvious fact that I can't read Japanese. I had no idea what this product was, or what the ingredients were, but I did know that whatever it was it was happy, and there was possibly 300 of it. Or 15. That part was a bit unclear.

Opening the pack I noticed the buns had some dark brown flecks through them, which I assumed were chocolate chips. How wrong I was.


This is about the point I started to rethink the experiment.

In order to give these cold little hockey pucks the best chance of a good review, I had to work out how to cook them. The instructions were extremely helpful.


EASY-TO-FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!

Ok, so I put them in a steamer for 6 or 10 (days? months?), or in a 1960s television set for 6 or 60. Hmm. Slight discrepancy there. In the end I took a stab in the dark and nuked them in my television set for two minutes. They came out rock hard, probably because my TV set isn't from the 1960s (although it was screening Bert's Family Feud at the time, but I guess that wasn't enough). I decided to try the microwave the second time, and jammed one of those suckers in there for 10 seconds.


LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME!

Result! The bun was nice and squishy and steamy, and I'm sure if left to its own devices it would sprout legs and start smiling like its friends on the front of the packet. Bad luck, no time for that, it's eating time!


CROSS-SECTION OF BUN!

The bun was giving off a very odd smell akin to Vegemite, and it was at this point I realised the brown flecks were clearly NOT chocolate. With any luck they'd actually BE Vegemite but I doubted it. A generous bite revealed that the bun actually tasted like...nothing.

Seriously, nothing.

What the HELL?

Why does a bun flecked with brown things taste like nothing? Why does it smell like Vegemite if it actually has no flavour? AND WHY ISN'T IT SMILING?

It was doughy, fluffy, tasted like nothing and smelled like Vegemite.

All in all, a total disappointment. I rate it below the Haw Flakes.

By the way - if anyone can read Japanese I'd love to be enlightened about this product.



Saturday, September 30, 2006

Incredible Inedibles: Haw Flakes

As previously mentioned, I find supermarkets to be an endless source of mirth. In fact, I can barely wander through one without bursting into laughter at something (usually SPAM related) and embarrassing whoever I happen to be with at the time.

I find odd food products (particularly canned meat and variants thereof) endlessly amusing, and have often been tempted to buy Camp Pie just because of its funny name. I actually have a friend who is similarly afflicted and has an entire collection of funny canned foods proudly displayed on top of her microwave - including tinned Barbie spaghetti and some strange canned concoction involving sausages.

And with that I welcome you to the first of a new section here at the BC, Indcredible Inedibles, in which I blatantly rip off a similar section on one of my favourite blogs ever - The Sneeze's "Steve Don't Eat It".

What this means is that periodically I'll be buying strange food items that take my fancy and reviewing them for your reading pleasure. FINALLY - an excuse to buy that potted sausage with pineapple I've been eyeing off.

Today I'm kicking it off with the delightfully named HAW FLAKES, which I found last night at the Chinese supermarket.


Not the most appetising name, I agree.

OK, so there's a million much more strange food items to be found in a Chinese supermarket, but screw you, I'm not putting my health on the line for this shit. And they're called HAW FLAKES! It had to be done.

For the princely sum of 65 cents (I know - I already checked my watch to see if it's 1975 - it isn't) I scored 10 rolls of Haw Flakes in the one packet. TEN! Imagine what Chinese Whispers would do to news like that: PetStarr's got 10 packs of Haw Flakes at her place, pass it on - PetStarr's got 10 packs of whores at her place, pass it on - PetStarr has 10 fat whores on her face, pissing on. This was going to be great.

They looked suspiciously like fireworks, but they were in the sweet aisle, so what the hell were they? Let's check the ingredients:


Helpful.

Great. So Haw Flakes have haw in them. Excellent. Although the two serving suggestions - in front of the TV or in the park - were rather helpful. I chose the TV option, and excitedly ripped open a roll to find...


Riiight.

A bunch of hard discs the colour of offal. Oh christ, offal. I mean, I know the Chinese eat some weird shit, but surely NO ONE would mix cow bungholes and pig lips with sugar and call it a sweetie? SURELY?

As it turns out, I was right (in this instance, at least) - the "Flakes" taste fruity, like some sort of dried berry. More accurately, they taste rather like those cheap no name fruit bars you buy in bulk at the supermarket for kids' lunchboxes, or those dodgy pretend versions of Uncle Toby's fruit RollUps that kids get bashed up for having ("HA HA, THAT'S not a proper RollUp! Your mum's poor!" *THUMP!*)

So it seems "haw" is some sort of fruit. At least I hope it is - perhaps the Chinese have perfected a way to disguise the taste of pig lip and bumhole.