RuPaul's Drag Race season 8 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season seven recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

WILLIAM!!!

OK, so I'm sorry about all this lazy-arse posting of Youtubery I've been doing lately, but when I saw this one I just HAD to post it. It's pure BC ridiculousness. It's also Microsoft ridiculousness, which makes it even more utterly brilliant.

It's a clip from a 12 minute 1980s promotional video for Windows 386 which, up until this point in the film, is quite normal and dull. But something happened in the production studio around the 7 minute mark, and clearly the monkeys working on putting this thing together collectively lost their minds.

Should you wish to see the video in its entirety, you can click here. Otherwise just enjoy the below snippet.

And if you're wondering about the title of this post, wait until the 3.10 mark.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Beatbox Awesomeness

This man is my new hero.


If you liked this, I highly recommend this video too.

And while you're at it, check out his website. The audio samples are insane, particularly the "Tim Shaw" one.

Friday, January 26, 2007

'You'll Love Coles' National Moment of Zen: Soda Water

It's true, I DO love Coles. I know this because all their products are psychic and tell me I will.

YOU'LL LOVE COLES BACON. YOU'LL LOVE COLES LAUNDRY POWDER. YOU'LL LOVE COLES MULTI-PURPOSE HYDROCHLORINATED CREME CLEANSER WITH TRIGGER PUMP SPRAY.

How do they KNOW? It's a mystery of the universe. However, in celebration of Coles' range of 'I see dead people' sixth-sense imbued products, I've decided to launch a new regular section here at the BC - the You'll Love Coles National Moment of Zen.

Not only are the YLC products psychic, but their packaging features REAL PEOPLE telling REAL STORIES about their own PERSONAL EXPERIENCE of loving Coles. It's genius.


Bill rocks the soda label.


Most pepole I know think a nice, fat joint and a big glass of wine gets them ready for the weekend, but apparently all Bill needs is a good, straight glass of soda water. Apparently Bill also loves to entertain - and I, for one, can't for his next soda water and plain white toast party!

Happy Australia day, everyone.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Psychic Hottest 100 predictions

Right, here we go - Petstarr's calls for the Triple J Hottest 100. Note that this isn't my personal wishlist, just my psychic predictions.

So - somewhere in the top 20:

Little Birdy - Come On
Hilltop Hoods - The Hard Road
Hilltop Hoods - What A Great Night
The Grates - 19 20 20
Something by Sarah Bloody Blasko
Augie March - One Crowded Hour
Camille - Ta Douleur
Something by Bloody Lily Allen
Something by My Bloody Chemical Romance and/or Panic at the Bloody Disco
Raconteurs - Steady as she Goes
The Strokes - Heart in a Cage
OK Go - Here it Goes Again


And the top three:

3. Youth Group - Forever Young
2. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
1. Eskimo Joe - Black Fingernails, Red Wine


I know predicting the Joe at number one is a big call, but I'M GOING THERE, PEOPLE!

BRING ON THE TRIFECTA!

(I have a sneaking suspicion OK Go might sneak in to third place, but I'm betting The OC has more marketing pull than a video of four dudes dancing on treadmills... Well, just barely.)

Monday, January 15, 2007

Matthew Newton: Australia's future Pete Doherty

At the risk of sounding pessimistic, I'm calling it right now: by the end of the year, Matthew Newton will be Australia's Pete Doherty. And Pete will probably be dead by then so Matthew will actually be the world's Pete Doherty. So he might as well get the legal documents ready to change his name now, because it's practically guaranteed.

Let's check out the recent events leading to this unfortunate circumstance: his hot ex girlfriend dumped his arse and charged him with assault; NOVA radio has sacked him before he even bothered to turn up to work late; and Channel 10 has continued their Newton-sacking agenda by dumping him too. (Although that might have something to do with the fact that he pretended to suck John Foreman's wang on air during a family fireworks broadcast).

Now he's gadding about with Gracie Otto sporting extremely dodgy facial hair. I can't wait until he starts slapping her around too, so the tabloid media can use headlines about his "fall from Gracie".

Clearly, all signs point towards him taking up a serious drug habit to break even further away from his former "squeaky clean image", dating a model (I nominate Eboni from Australia's Next Top Model cycle one), getting arrested more, shaving even less and frequently falling over in public.

Gosh, it's so NICE to have a bad boy on the Australian celebrity landscape once again. I don't think we've had one since Russell Crowe last threw a phone at someone. And let's face it, he was getting on a bit so it's nice that he's passed the baton on to a younger contender.

I think when it comes to M-Newt Google sums it up best:


It's like looking into a crystal ball - before, after and unrecognisable.

And he was so good on Thank God You're Here.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Rap: the nastier the better

One of my and my beau's favourite conversations is how he is a guitar-loving, balls-to-the-wall rock and roll fiend, and how I am a wigga. Or rather, it's one of his favourite conversations. Oh, how he does laugh at my hippity hoppity music every time he rides in my car, adding "izzle" to the end of every word and making strange gestures with his hands out of time to the beat. (But he likes to play Sarah Blasko in his car so I get the last laugh.)

I admit that I like to be a little "black on the inside", although this doesn't mean I don't love my rock and roll (and particularly the men of rock and roll - hello Jack White and Julian Casablancas). I love big-ass guitar as much as anyone. But when I hear a fat hip hop beat I just can't control myself. I even start to use words like "fat". The Pharcyde comes on and I just have to turn up the stereo in the Pulsar and pretend I have hydraulics by bouncing up and down in my seat as I cruise down Crenshaw. I mean Rundle.

The problem with this is that a lot of the hip hop I like is sort of ... X Rated. Or at least R. MA15+ at the VERY least. Language warnings don't even come CLOSE to covering some of the shit I like to listen to. It's dirty, it's nasty, it's ultra violent and of course it's misogynistic. All of which adds up to shocked family members, offended friends and appalled anyone who rides in my car with me. Not to mention the RAA man who was blasted with "BITCH, I PUT MY DICK ON YOUR LIPS" at top volume when he went to test my battery. I'm sure he's had stranger offers.

But after watching Chris Rock's Never Scared DVD last night, I realise I am not the anti-feminist misogynist lyric-loving weirdo wigga I thought I was. I think he sums it up best:

"People always say rap music is misogynistic and it's degrading to women, but what I've realised is women that like rap don't give a fuck. Women that like rap don't care what they say - if the beats are right she will dance all night. The nastier the better."

(See the whole routine here.)


Right on, brother. And so I bring to you my shameful list of nasty hip hop favourites, starting with:

High and Mighty, Kool Keith - "Hands on Experience"


Hands On Experience Pt. 2-ft. High & The Mighty, What?What? & Bobbito Garcia by Kool Keith on Grooveshark


Sample lyric: So that's the set up, I tilt my head up / Put my fingers on my nipple, swish around my pre-cum dribble / Rippin' epidermis cause it's easy to be / Shootin loads to go to bed, cause it makes me sleepy / Titties on my mind, close to ejaculation / Anal perspiration, heavy inhalation / I strive for the shoulders, in Boulder Colorado / Shoot on walls and toilet stalls is my motto / It's like that y'all y'all and you don't dare stop stop / I grab my cock until the cum drops.

You've probably gathered by now that this isn't a song about the benefits of workplace apprenticeships. Kool Keith (who will feature several times in this list), Bobbito Garcia and Mr Eon bring us five minutes of pure mastabatory filth, made extra special by the lyric "girls in the back seat with thongs stuck between they boo-boos". Revolting, but how sexy is the backing loop? It makes me want to pole dance. Or form a feminist book club, whatever.

Jedi Mind Tricks - "Heavenly Divine"


Heavenly Divine by Jedi Mind Tricks on Grooveshark


Sample lyric: Hologram burn churches / Murders by sticking a crucifix through your cervix / Divine purpose for the Remy thats in my thermos / Wait and see we'll stick you with needles that's hypodermic / You heard the verdict / I'm with Allah cause he chose me / Broke into the Vatican strangled the pope with his rosary.

Jedi Mind Tricks are renowned for producing some of the most violent and vicious rap tracks in the history of the genre. They rap about "murdering faggots" and systematically killing people with razorblades, with lyrics like "We beat skulls in the shape of a wet bag of laundry". AND BLOODY HELL THEY HAVE SOME HOT BEATS. I bought Violent by Design randomly while on holiday in France, having never heard of the group or their music before, and immediately proclaimed it "my dirty little secret". Their lyrics shock me to the core but I just can't help loving it. Hologram carries Remy Martin around in his thermos, for fuck's sake. And it's probably the only time you'll ever hear someone rhyme "crucifix" with "cervix". If you're lucky.

Kool Keith - "Sex Style"


Sex Style by Kool Keith on Grooveshark


Sample lyric: You want freestyle, that's right, the style is free / Niggas suck my dick and they girls drink my pee / I'm on some S&M shit you can't get with / Pull your panties down on stage and watch you sweat quick / Suckers back to pull their styles transsexual / Lesbians dance with the funky heterosexual / You on the mic, and when you rhyme I start to jerk off / Let my dog lick you, German Shepherd want to bust off.

So, this is one of the dirtiest songs you'll ever hear. In fact just picking a sample lyric was difficult, because the entire song is one big, filthy exclamation mark. Check it out. This song is like the musical version of those scary 1980s hardcore German pornos that sex shops keep BEHIND the counter. There's German Shepherds performing cunnilingus, people drinking urine, people pissing in people's hair, inserting microphones into other people, and my personal favourite, "Bisexuals on stage eating fruit loops". 100% guaranteed to get rid of those boring Christian neighbours who gatecrashed your barbecue.

Kool Keith - "Don't Crush It"


Don't Crush It by Kool Keith on Grooveshark


Sample lyric: I’m in the mix, like Funky-Master Flex / I’m shootin jizzum, then after you can pick up next / I watch you shake it, like palm trees in California / Now you a lady, mature and I’m rubbin' on ya / I got my phantom mask, I’m on the dolo / I slipped in my tipton, bonin' sweetie look like yo-yo / She had a good time, knees bent in the chair / She said 'Get wild - I like it when you pull my hair' / I gave her cream, and rubbed it on her black boots / I see a packed house in different color body suits.

Kool Keith makes the list again with one of my favourite sinful songs, which has one of the best duo choruses since Elton John and Kiki Dee did Don't Go Breaking My Heart:

Kool Keith: Yo baby.
Chick: Whassup?
Kool Keith: Don't crush it when you sit upon it.
Chick: Yo baby.
Kool Keith: Whassup?
Chick: Don't rush it when I sit upon it.


In fact if anyone felt like remixing Elton and Kiki's video with Kool Keith's audio track, it'd be the next big thing on YouTube.

Gravediggaz - "1800 Suicide"


1-800 Suicide by Gravediggaz on Grooveshark


Sample lyric: Put a slug in your mug, overdose on a drug / Wet your hair, stick a knife in the plug / Or be like Richard Pryor - set your balls on fire /Better yet, go hang yourself with a barbed wire.

Just your every day hip hop guide to topping yourself. Nothing to be concerned about. What do you expect from a group called Gravediggaz? Sunshine and lollipops? I love the slinky, mellowed out bass loop.

The Pharcyde - "On the DL"


On The Dl by Pharcyde on Grooveshark



Sample lyric: I woke up in the morning to a girl whose butt's soft / Gotta brush my teeth, clean my nuts off / Put on the gear that I'm-a wear throughout my day / But before I take a shower I ain't ashamed to say / When I think of the night before, and the heat of passion / Your big brown booty, my mind starts flashin' / I'm lookin in the mirror with my cock on rock / Should I pursue to do you or just stroke my knot?

Ok so compared to Kool Keith's efforts this is pretty tame, but that's like comparing a rabid African mountain lion to a hamster. (Or, possibly more appropriately, a gerbil). The Pharcyde's debut 1992 album Bizarre Ride is an absolute classic and must-own for any hip hop fan. Fans will find their jokes about fat women, ladyboys and masturbation hilarious. Others will be brutally offended and never come to a party at your house again. Probably the same Christian people who forgave you for the Kool Keith indescretion at your last barbecue.

So - anyone else got any dirty musical secrets?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Truly a red letter day

It seems the BC trumps the list for Google searches for "thunder thighs in mini skirts".

Hurrah! Truly a red letter day.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Dizzy Dustin: your days are numbered

Another first week in January rolls by, another member of Californian hip hop band Ugly Duckling gets assaulted by Petstarr...

Yes, dear reader, I went to Electric Light to see Yooooo-Deeeee! on the weekend and, true to form, I drunkenly attacked MC Andy C after the show.

Regular readers will know I also jumped on their DJ Young Einstein on January 1 last year, after his set at Shores on a New Year's Day.

Clearly Andy C saw straight through my attempts to appear sober, as this is the autograph I got from him - lovingly made out on the back of a bar receipt from the Duke of York.


I might be too cheap to buy a T Shirt, but I did spend $22.10 on drinks.


All this means is there's one member of Ugly Duckling out there yet to experience the hurricane of fun that is Drunken Petstarr. Dizzy Dustin: your days are numbered.


Don't look so tough, son - you're next.


In celebration of Ugly Duckling being so frickin awesome, I have added a couple of their songs to the BC jukebox over there on the left. You do realise there's a jukebox, don't you? You can listen to music while you read this crap. Try it, it's cool.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Vowel Play IX

Haven't done one of these in a while, so enjoy. See the full collection here.

As always - suggestions for these are appreciated. Leave a comment and I'll see what I can come up with!

Incredible Inedibles: Lucky Charms

Ever since I was blacklisted by Australian customs after my trip to Vietnam earlier this year (you really should declare wooden items, kiddies) I have made it my mission to fly home as much contraband from around the globe as possible without being fined and/or thrown in jail. My usual tactic is to act stupid and declare something completely innocuous ("I've just got these dirty socks - are they ok? It is FOREIGN dirt...") in the hope of distracting the customs officials while all my precious seeds, berries and wooden sculptures go undetected through the scanner.

From my last trip to the USA I managed to bring home a small box of Lucky Charms - genUine American cereal (the kind they eat on sitcoms!) - and was most disappointed when customs gave not a shit about it. Well, as disappointed as you can be for not being fined and arrested. I have now realised that this because Lucky Charms is not technically food.


Why the hell is he so bloody happy?

Manufactured by General Mills, the box promises "frosted toasted oat cereal with marshmallows". Another way to describe it would be "nuclear coloured sugary hell". This shit looks like it has a half life of 10,000 years.


Chernobyl Charms.


Just quietly, before I get into eating this crap for your reading pleasure - what the HELL is the deal with Americans and marshmallows? They have them in mashed sweet potato for Thanksgiving, in nuclear chicken form for Easter, and seem to enjoy torturing themselves all year round with Marshmallow fluff... I mean, GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Given George W's apparent love of the stuff I wouldn't be at all surprised to know that he invaded Iraq to search for Weapons of Marshmallow Destruction. "Marshmallows are a sacred right of the Amurrcan people. We will not allow them to be destroyed by terrists. THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"

Despite the distinctly pagan iconography of the cereal's mascot, Lucky the Leprechaun, not to mention the whole idea of eating this much sugar at breakfast in the first place (sounds un-Christian to me, anyway) I also wouldn't be surprised to find out that George W was using Lucky Charms as some sort of nationwide Christian mind control device. Sound crazy?


No, it's not the new Playstation controller.


What's this then? Could it be A CHRISTMAS TREE, A FISH AND A CROSS? I THINK IT COULD. That's right - General Mills (if that IS his real name) is pumping kids full of sugary Christian symbols every morning so they'll support the war on terror, keep abortion illegal and get ADD and variants thereof. Talk about crafty.

And so I pour my milk, grab my spoon and throw myself into a bowl of multicoloured pain...

As soon as the milk hits the bowl the cereal goes to work on sucking the health and nutrition out of it, turning it a bizarre shade of grey. I close my eyes and think of Weetbix... but actually, it's not that bad. It reminds me of Nutrigrain, but without all the healthy ironman references. It's like - if you eat Nutrigrain you can be a surf-lifesaving muscle man, but if you eat Lucky Charms you can be a paranoid dwarf in a funny hat who's always worried about getting his possessions stolen! You choose! The marshmallow pieces have an unpleasant texture, rather like pieces of chalk covered in pond slime. They remind me of death. Death in a bowl. By bowl's end I want to join them. The grey milk and the technicolour slimy-chalk pieces are sloshing in my stomach and I know the true meaning of depression.

I vow to become bulimic by day's end.