RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 recaps

The shadiest Drag Race recaps on the web. Get ready to death drop, queens!

The Bachelorette Australia recaps

One woman, 14 desperate men, mucho LOLs. Oh, and Osher Gunsberg.

The Bachelor Australia recaps

Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season eight recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Ten

We're at the business end of the series now, me hearties, with only three models left: Squinty, Skeletor and Stupid. The names are possibly interchangeable.

Episode ten brings another chance for an ANTM model to bite the dust, and therefore another chance for an ANTM drinking game. This week's game is dedicated to the beautiful but quite possibly braindead Steph H, who pulls out more stupid quotes in this episode than any of the models put together over the past nine weeks. And that INCLUDES Paloma's monologues.

The rules are simple - whenever Steph says something mind-numbingly stupid, have a drink. You'll be driving the porcelain bus in no time.


Little Steph - she's our SPECIAL contestant.


Cue emotional guitar music, cue black and white clip of last week's loser that no one can remember anymore getting kicked off, and we're off and running!

It's clear that Squinty and Stupid have formed a bit of a bond lately, and are enjoying excluding Skeletor from their fun and games. Apparently this is because Skelly likes a bit of a whinge now and again. Or, possibly, ALL THE FREAKIN TIME, ABOUT EVERYTHING. Not that she really cares what they think.

"I LOVE going overseas, and going to new places," Alice smiles, while Steph fumes silently inside about the fact that not ONLY has Alice been to an airport before, she's CAUGHT A PLANE from one and THEN been to other ones OVERSEAS. Bitch.

It seems Jordan and Steph are pissed off that Alice's height, perfect bone structure and natural beauty are enough to get her through the judging every week. Clearly the only way to earn some J&S cred is to be short, fat, ugly and trying really hard.

"No matter what Alice does, no matter how much hard she doesn't fucking try, she still fucking stays in this competition, and I'm fucking over it," explodes Jordan

"She doesn't even want to do modelling after this, she wants to go back to uni. Like, pfft. Who wants to go to uni?"


Uni? WHATEVER. I don't even know how to SPELL it.


I can see now why she's with Stupid.

Jod-hello rocks around to the Model Mansion and there's a nice concocted display of fake affection between the four of them as they all pretend to be friends and continue to go along with the badly wrought illusion that Jodhi is like their big sister, instead of a barking, slightly mean TV host who's always got her tits out.

"The judges are finding it impossible to separate you," she says, completely ignoring the fact that I've already separated them on numerous occasions. Look Jodes, it's simple: Squinty, Stupid and Skeletor. Got it? Come on, it's easy, there aren't even two models with the same name anymore! Ok try this - only ONE of the models will actually make it as a model. Does that make it easier?

"You'll have to excel at everything you do to be in the final two," she says, secretly hoping that one of them WON'T, so they'll know who to boot out in an hour's time.

Jod-hello announces that as of this week, model school is officially closed - so no more stupid "lessons" about "movement" or "etiqutte" or "how to stand in front of a camera and not look fat". Of course this also means no more Andreas sessions too. Somewhere, Anika sheds a single tear.

This week the models will just be doing challenges, real MODELLING challenges in the fast paced high fashion capital of the world - LOS ANGELES! Erm, sorry, where? LA? Fashion capital? Since fucking WHEN?

Although let us not forget that Los Angeles HAS given the world of fashion such stunning examples as this:


And this:


And this:



"I can't believe I'm going to go to Hollywood, this is like, my dream place in the world," gushes Jordan.

"I had NOY idea Hollywood was in LA!!" squeals Steph.

"I was SOY excited, I was like, we're going to see the Hollywood sign, Sunset Boulevard... It's going to be like Pretty Woman but without the hookers and all that, obviously."

If you're playing the drinking game and haven't already polished off the entire liquor cabinet from that first Stupid Steph comment, you might still want to go to the bottle-o for reinforcements. You're going to need it. Come to think of it, Steph might need it too when she gets to LA and realises it's actually like Pretty Woman WITH the hookers. And that soon she'll be standing in the front window of a shop dressed like one. But more on that later...

Pease Porridge rocks up for another fake display of affection before the girls leave, and screams "The final three! You guys must be STOKED!"

Silence. A tumbleweed rolls past. The girls look like they'd be more excited if he offered them tickets to an Anthony Mundine boxing match.

Then in the most blatant and embarrassing bit of product placement ever, Pease hands them all a gift bag and a can of Impulse, and they run around spraying it at each other like some 'slumber party' scene out of an Olsen twins film.

"It's your favourite new Impulse City spray!" squeals Pease.

"Ohhh, 'Paris'?" says Jordan.

"No, 'London'."

Clearly NOT their favourite then. And just quietly - who the hell wants to smell like London?


Mm, the sweet smell of the Thames...


"Then it was time to go, so Jonothan helped us put the bags into the Fiesta," says Alice.

Ohhh I get it! We're brand name dropping, right? Ok: so they put their Impulse and Fashion Assassin giftbags into the Ford Fiesta, and they toddle off to the airport where they catch an unnamed airline to Los Angeles, because clearly they didn't get a deal on the flights.

They arrive in LA and there's lots of shots of palm trees and random things that say "Hollywood" in an attempt to impress us.

"We're in America!" says Jordan, perhaps as an audition attempt for her forthcoming appearance on the new Fox 8 show, Stating the Bloody Obvious.

"I know," giggles Steph. This counts as something stupid. Drink.

"OH MY GOD 99 cents for a junior cheeseburger!" shouts Jordan, gawking out of the car window at a Maccers like the cultured lass she is.

"Where? OY MOY GOURD!" screams Steph. Alice sits bewildered in the back seat, eating an apple.

"99 CENTS!" repeats Jordan. Clearly this is the most exciting thing America has to offer so far. Fuck the Hollywood sign, 99 cent burgers? That's INSANE!

But all this fun and excitement is interrupted by a Jodhi mail, which instructs them to go to 66621 Hollywood Boulevard for their first challenge. Not being able to count more than her fingers, Steph struggles to read out '66621' (drink), and then has comprehension problems with the relatively simple TS Eliot quote Jod-hello has chosen to decorate the mail with this week (drink again).

"'Prepare a face to meet...the faces that you meet'," she says, scratching her forehead.

"We're going to be, like, meeting new people."

Drink.

The girls stroll down Hollywood Boulevard (got that? They're in Hollywood. Just so you know) and check out the stars on the footpath - as opposed to the stars in the gutter, like David Hasselhoff.


He likes those 99 cent burgers too.


"I don't recognise any of these stars - where's Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and like, all them?" whinges Steph.

Drink. In fact drink two, as a tribute to the Olsen twins.

It's a pity that the girls don't get a chance to see Mel Gibson's newly refurbished star, as I did when I went to LA last year.


Not so bright anymore, sugar tits.



Eventually they show up at 66621 which - SURPRISE! - is another advert, this time for Napoleon. Again. Drink. (Why not?)

Standing next to a pissed off punk with pink hair, he's once again doing a very good impression of my nightmares.


Before you die you see Napoleon.


He tells the girls they're required to be live mannequins (or "manne-kwins" if you're Napoleon, or slightly retarded) in his window for the day, "because in the United States the biggest industry is actually retail". Right, so obviously if they'd been sent to the giant car manufacturing nation of Japan they would have been required to weld bits of metal together. I guess if they'd gone to Thailand, the world's largest producer of natural rubber, they would have been made to work in the fields, tapping rubber trees and keeping the factories running smoothly. Lucky, then, that they made it to a retail nation like the US.

Pink lady, who is some sort of celebrity stylist, reminds them for the 15 millionth time that they're in LA ("OY MOY GOURD! I TOTALLY didn't know I was in LA!" screams Steph) and gives the usual "I'm from LA and therefore I'm cooler than you" crap about how it's "tough" out there etc. etc. Whatever. I'm just waiting for Steph to say something else stupid so I can finish my beer.

Pink lady dresses them all up in some horrific outfits and proves conclusively that people are way too skinny in LA by managing to find a skirt that is too small for Steph to fit into. Then Napoleon, brandishing a eyeshadow brush and some eyelash glue, launches himself onto their faces (don't think too hard about that) while simultaneously trying to get the girls to bitch about each other.

Snaps to Napoleon! I love this guy!

Squinty is the first one to put the boot in, and creates a new game called "Invisible Alice" that proves so popular it's revisited several times this episode.

"I love Alice to death but her whingeing kills my life," she says, while Alice sits a metre away listening to everything.

Jordan doesn't seem to care that she's flouting the traditional rules of gossiping by doing it while the subject is still IN the room, and blithely prattles on to Napoleon about how Alice gives her the shits. When Alice retaliates Jordan takes a leaf straight out of the Paloma book of Crazy and turns it round on her with the classic "Why are you being a defensive bitch? I'm just being honest with you."

Ah Grasshopper, she has taught you well.

All of this bitchery is doubly extra awesome given the fact that both Jordan and Alice are sporting inch long glitter eyelashes, disco trash clothing and mental 1980s hairdos - it's like two drag queens arguing over which one of them is going to sing I Love the Nightlife first.


You KNOW how much I love that song, you scrag.


Sorry, do we need a close up of that?


Next time you see Jordan will be in the background of a Gwen Stefani clip.


It ends even more fabulously with Jordan accusing Alice of whingeing about everything - even when she gets sunburnt (clearly in Jordan's world you're supposed to be happy about skin cancer).

"Last time I was in the sun I got so sunburnt that my entire back, like.... *sob* IT ALL PEELED OFF *sob sob* AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL," Alice cries.

There's a small silence as she considers the injustice of it all, and then: "IT'S STILL PEELING."

It's a brilliant moment. Everyone say a prayer for Alice's back.

So anyway, they all stand around in Napoleon's window striking poses and doing a generally shit job - especially Alice, who forgets she's not actually famous and smiles and waves at passers by like she's on a float in the Christmas Pageant.

Steph marvels at arriving in LA and "being put straight to work on Hollywood Boulevard" - see, it IS like Pretty Woman! (Drink.) Alice obviously agrees, as she once again shows off how much she's TRAVELLED by saying the exercise reminds her of the red light district in Amsterdam. Except they're doing it for free.

The sex worker spirit continues once the girls are taken back to their hotel room on Sunset Boulevard which, quite frankly, looks just like the sort of place three working girls might spend the night - so quite fitting, really.


Apparently it's called 'The Jane Suite'. 'The John' might be more appropriate.


The next morning Jod-hello and her tits rock up (what the? I thought they were supposed to be "on their own"?)(the girls, not Jodhi's tits)(although...) and she announces they're all going to meet some LA modelling agents who could MAKE OR BREAK THEIR CAREER and they need to TURN IT ON and BE FIERCE etc. etc.

"Your driver is waiting outside so you'd better go now - there's NOTHING Americans hate more than people being late," she says.

Erm, how about planes flying into buildings? I hear Americans don't like that much either, Jodhi. I kid - thank GOD the girls have got such a cultural insider on their team. How else could one predict that turning up late to an appointment would make an American mad?

The LA modelling scene is clearly some type of bizarro fashion world where it's good to be short and bad to be tall. Alice is roundly criticised as too tall and too edgy looking, and told she should piss off to New York or Paris. Alice struggles to be upset. Everyone falls in love with Steph's face, but her MASSIVELY OVERSIZED hips are another matter - one agent tells her she needs to "tone up in the hip area".


I think that means this.


Squinty McShortarse is the darling of the day, with one obviously vision-impaired agent telling her she has great eyes.


WHAT EYES?


Next morning at the hooker hotel the trio gets a Jodhi mail telling them they have to traipse around LA going to different shops. Sounds like an ad? It is. Sounds interesting? It isn't. Although it does reveal that former Bride of Christ Kym Wilson now appears to be working as a shopgirl at LA's Leona Edmiston store. See, girls? This is where your career could end up.

Next morning, Jod-hello and her tits rock up AGAIN (seriously, doesn't she have anything better to do? And doesn't she own a BRA?) to make sure the girls don't keep their impatient American driver waiting - it's time for the photo shoot!

"OY MOY GOURD there's the Hollywood sign!" screams Steph, and I pray that it turns out she's pointing at a street sign or a shop window or the sign on the front of bus 102 to Hollywood just so I can have another drink already. But alas, she's actually gotten it right this time.

They eventually arrive at Napoleon's own house which, it must be said, is pretty pimped out with gilt covered furniture and chintzy decor. What else would you expect from this man?


I will live like an Emperor if I want.


In this photo shoot, the girls get to wear ACTUAL fashion (as opposed to Thorpey's underwear) - Dior, Galliano, Hermes, Prada.

"Shut UP! How good is THAT?!" screams Jod-hello from back on Sunset Boulevard.

Napoleon starts stirring up shit once again by asking Jordan some more bitchery-provoking questions. Jordan responds by playing round two of "Alice is Invisible", spilling her guts about how she wants Alice to be eliminated, how Alice doesn't work hard enough, and how it's unfair that she's naturally good looking and tall.

Stupid Steph then chimes in with her own opinions about how Alice has skimmed through the judging process while people worse than her were voted out. I thought that was sort of how it worked, actually, but anyway.

Meanwhile, Alice sits in silence under the hot rollers, slowly building up the necessary rage lava required to let loose a FULL ON VOLCANO OF FURY!

Like an annoying chihuahua that's too stupid to know the Alsatian it's yipping at is seconds away from ripping it to shreds, Steph keeps going... and then Alice lets rip. As much as Alice CAN let rip anyway.

"It felt slightly empowering, because it was like, well fuck you too," she says.

OH MY GOD, ALICE SAID FUCK. She is back to being my new favourite model.

"Even when they're wearing their highest heels I'm still two inches taller than them," she says.

BAM! POW! Go Alice!

She then puts the boot in to Jordan by saying she'd rather Steph went home because she's greater competition, but that Steph is the dumbest of the two.

"I don't know a lot. I've never been to other countries, I don't know the cultures of other countries because I've never been to them. I never really cared about them cos I'm an Aussie, I'm just at Australia all the time and why in my spare time would I want to know about the cultures of other countries?" blurts Steph, as her history, geography and social studies teachers (and everyone playing this week's ANTM drinking game) reach for the vodka.

Poor Steph, she's been at Australia for 16 whole years now - how is she supposed to learn about other countries? What, on the internet or something?

Alice continues, outing some more Stupid Steph quotes such as "Is Chile a country? I thought it was just something you put in food." (Drink.)

"Fuck you Alice. I know Chile's a country, I've seen it before on the maps, I do geography at school, I've seen Chile before," she says. Everyone else takes another drink.

"I ask some really dumb questions sometimes," admits Steph later, in a private moment.

It's hard to hear what she says next over the deafening noise of millions of Fox 8 viewers screaming "NO SHIT!" but it comes out like this:

"Like, I knew that there was Moroccan food, but like, I thought that, maybe it came from a country, like, cos I didn't know there was a country called Morocca. I'd never even heard of the place 'Morocca'. Which I don't think is THAT dumb. They don't even HAVE Moroccan food on the Central Coast, so."


Drink. BLOODY big drink. In fact, if you have a funnel, now would be the time to use it.

For those who haven't yet been taken to the emergency room with alcohol poisoning, the photo shoot in a nutshell: Jordan takes a tip straight from Britney Spears and straddles a chair, showing everyone her cha-cha. Despite this, and despite looking alarmingly like the photographer, she impresses everyone.


Jordan CAN be a boy's name too...


In a sleek black gown and red lips, Alice looks every inch TEH HOTNESS, and the room turns into an official Gay Area when she walks in, with the stylist squealing "Oh my gosh, is she not giving us Jerry Hall circa 1970s?" and everyone else shrieking sentences out containing the words "OOH!" "GIRL!" and "MM-HMM!" The stylist declares she has "ZERO" weaknesses. So take THAT, bitches!

Steph, on the other hand, looks like one of those soft-lit Anne Geddes photos of a toddler standing in a big pair of high heels with a string of pearls around their neck. The effect is oddly unsettling, especially given that she keeps pulling a "sex kitten" face.

"I didn't think that AT all. Especially cos like, I'm 16 so how can I be like, a sex kitten?" she says.

Middle aged men all over Australia take a big, fat drink.

"I'm praying that my photo will be better than either of theirs, that way THAT will keep me in. If it's second or even the worst I think I could be going home," Steph muses intelligently.

Drink.

And so after a sum total of about half an hour spent in LA (gee, that one photo shoot at Napoleon's house was REALLY worth it), the girls get shuttled back to Straya again to face elimination in the warehouse.

Photo judging in a nutshell: Despite having her legs wide open and looking like a high class escort in her photo, Jordan is praised by everyone for "looking like a model", as if that wasn't the entire point of the competition. Identity Dawson finally loses her mind when it is conclusively proven that Alice CAN in fact move around, after her photo reveals her doing something other than sitting or standing looking blank. Steph's photo turns out exactly like the Anne Geddes one, but everyone still blows sunshine up her skirt - Dawson even commits the cardinal sin of blaming the STYLIST and the PHOTOGRAPHER for why the photo is scary. Try THAT shit with Tyra Banks and Miss J and see how far you get.

Stupid, Squinty and Skeletor give some crap speeches about "Why I should be Australia's Next Top Model" and everyone struggles to stay awake through their dull self-aggrandizing, until Alice comes out with this gem:

"I'm more confident about my body, and I don't walk into things as often - I used to bash into walls all the time because I wasn't aware of where I was," she says. Maybe THAT'S why everyone kept reminding them they were in LA.

Deliberation deliberation blah blah blah, judging judging blah blah, "This is the toughest decision yet" blah blah blah, "Steph's AMAZING... Alice is AMAZING... Jordan's AMAZING" blah blah blah, "How will we ever decide who to eliminate?" blah blah blah.

"We have to make a decision because someone's got to go," says Dawson, who will clearly give Jordan a run for her money on Stating the Bloody Obvious.

Alice is given a ticket straight to ANTM town, leaving Stupid and Squinty to eat her dust as she screams "SCREW YOU, BITCHES!" on the inside.

Then Jod-hello proves once and for all what everyone always knew - you don't have to have a brain to be a model - giving Steph the second golden ticket to the ANTM final, and handing Squinty her marching orders. Cue emotional guitar music, cue tears, cue Jordan's exceptionally high "sad voice" that sounds rather like a drunk Mickey Mouse, cue lots of "OY LOVE YOUSE" and it's all over. The Squinty-Stupid alliance is defeated - one might call that karma.

Suddenly the realisation dawns on Steph that she's in the final two, and in the running for the major prizes.

"YAY! Maybe the international photo shoot will be in Morocca!"

Drink.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

What do we do now? We run...TO THE TOY SHOP!

Ok ladies: What's better than having your very own Wentworth Miller to snuggle up to at night and occasionally lick? HAVING YOUR VERY OWN WENTWORTH MILLER DOLL!


To put on your mantelpiece, of course. And occasionally lick.


According to the good folks at Just Jared you can now buy a set of Prison Break dolls for exorbitant prices (about $1000 for the set).

Long time BC readers might remember that I'm not the biggest doll fan, but the idea of being able to take off Wentworth's pants whenever I want sounds like a good deal to me.

Now if only we could get the Real Doll company onto this idea...

Friday, May 25, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Nine, now with 20% extra flashback

If you're anything like me then you've probbly found this last week really super-dooper hard to get through. It's been SOY stressful, and I've been SOY upset ever since our darling Paloma was cruelly evicted last week - or if you knew her as Jod-hello knew her, 'Palomes' (Because that's much easier and cooler to say than 'Paloma'). Everyone knows that those other fat size 16 derro bitches should have gone before her, EVERYONE, even the ANTM cameramen who always told her she was the best.

Still, just like Paloma's former Cher-esque tresses, that chance has gone.


Her hair was her trademark...


Now we are left with the illustrious final four: The Dolly model, the FHM model, the bad dietary role model and the model of bad behaviour. Unfortunately, the model of a modern major general is nowhere to be seen.

And as we say goodbye to chere Palomes, let's take a quick look back at some of the models whose careers' corpses have paved the way for her, and reflect on why it is they didn't make it to the final four themselves. I'd suggest that won't take much brainpower.


Apparently she's a size 16.


I really appreciate the fact that the ANTM photographers don't use Photoshop on their photos. I really do. It's nice to know that they're not enforcing images of unachievable perfection on their young female audience. And it's even nicer to know that someone whose face has obviously at some point been attacked by a shark can still be called a model. Go Cassandra.


An Olsen twin pre-rehab, or...?


No, it's Cobi. And I wish she'd stop looking at me like that...


She tried to show her tits in this pic too but they cropped them out. Shame.


I've got one word to say to you, Sophie - sunscreen. And here's another couple - Lindsay Lohan. And one more - shudder.


The OTHER Steph. You know, the less attractive one.


HELL-O eyebrow!


GOOD CHRIST WHAT IS THAT?


I just can't understand why Jane didn't win.


GIMME ALL YER PANTENE, BITCH.


Oh Anika. Sure, you're still in the competition - but not on the strength of THIS photo, in which you look like an angry, dehydrated bogan in serious need of some shampoo. Don't worry, it's not as bad as Jordan's:


Game on, moll.


This pic has it all: Shark-face-attackage, undercooked-pancake-boobage and even a bit of underarm-hair-stubblage. It's perfection. No wonder she's in the top four.

Speaking of which, Jordan kicks off this week's episode with a bit of wisdom for departing mole model Paloma:

"Maybe this will teach her what and what not to do, for next time, when she watches herself she'll see where she did wrong and kind of work through that," she says.

Unlike Jordan, of course, who will give herself high fives and cheer all her own bum presses when she sees HERSELF on TV.

"I think our new name is the Four Amigos. Oh no, it's the Three Amigos! But we'll be the Four Amigos!" giggles Anika, while everyone gets down on their hands and knees to search the floor for her missing brain.

The girls rock up to another acting studio where they meet Jod-hello, who barks all the usual crap about this week being SOY important because they're THE FINAL FOUR (let's have a drink every time someone says that, shall we? I may not finish this wrap up without passing out on my keyboard but that's ok, as long as my nose hits the 'publish' button we'll be sorted). She then announces that whoever makes it to the final three will be going overseas with her for an INTERNATIONAL MODELLING SHOOT. Hands up who thinks it'll be New Zealand? Either that or Tasmania. (Well, she DID say "over seas".)


Come on girls, it's off to Lebanon!


While everyone oohs and aahs about the possibility of getting to travel overseas, Steph reveals how easy she is to please by yelping "Just to go to an airport - I've never been to an airport, that would be SOY cool, like!" Firstly: Steph, honey, buses go to the airport ALL THE TIME. Get on one and go visit, you'll go out of your tiny mind. Secondly: Never end your sentences a preposition with, like.

The girls meet acting coach Paul Goddard, who announces he'll be teaching them about "emotion and mood". My heart longs for Paloma.

He first makes them repeatedly punch their left hand with their right while stomping their feet ("My first thought was 'ow, this really hurts'," giggles Anika, as the search continues for her missing brain), which is somehow supposed to make them develop feelings of anger. Clearly each of the girls is actually imagining punching something else - probably Paloma.

He then asks them to describe an image that makes them feel a certain emotion, and Alice predictably comes up with the most boring image ever - sitting on the couch in front of a heater with tea and biscuits and her dog. There's probably a Tupperware container of cashews in there somewhere too.

Then they all have to pretend to be six years old. Jordan finishes doing her bum press out the studio window and yells "Sorry, what are we doing now?". Anika and Steph pretend fight over a chocolate bar while Alice skips around in a manner not dissimilar to her dancing of last week. Everyone wonders when the "pretending to be six" exercise will actually start. Then they have to "pretend" to be teenagers, which is interesting as, except for Anika, they all ARE teenagers. Real stretch of the imagination there. PRETENDING to be normal, sane adults might have been more of a challenge.

They get back to Model Mansion and Anika, who is clearly still missing her brain, is actually surprised to discover the whole "acting" thing isn't quite over yet, as Pease Porridge looms out of the kitchen and slurs "I'm here to teach you a few things." I think we can all assume it's not going to be cooking related (although PS Foxtel - he'd be GREAT on a cooking show. You could call it 'In the Pot with Pease Porridge'. And yes, I accept cheques.)

Pease comes up with a nifty little exercise in which each girl has to say "I am Australia's next top model", and everyone else gets to shout "NO YOU'RE NOT!" until they feel she's given a convincing enough performance. I'm not sure what the point of it is, but I think Foxtel Digital possibly could have made more of it, inviting viewers to push the red button every time they felt one of the girls gave an unconvincing read. They could stretch the program out to six or seven days if they did that, and it would be extra funny to see the girls at the end of it, exhausted and sleep deprived, gasping "I AM AUSTRALIA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!" before collapsing in a heap at Pease's feet. Once again, I accept cheques.

Then Pease "pretends to be a VIP" at a party and all the girls have to make small talk with him. I'd venture this isn't the first time Pease has pretended to be a VIP. Luckily Anika has already met the pretend Prime Minister in episode seven so she knows what to do (ie: sip a pretend drink, talk about the pretend weather). Although he doesn't make it easy for anyone, taking on the character of Marc Jacobs who he plays as AN UTTER ARSEHOLE WITH PANTS FOR BRAINS. According to Pease, Marc Jacobs is rude to everyone, gets completely confused by someone with more than one career and doesn't know where Australia is. Although there is a nice moment when Steph tells "Mr Jacobs" she's "trying to be a model", Pease later critiquing her by saying "Steph, you can't be TRYING to be a model! I mean, how EASY is it to be a model? Well...er...I mean..it's hard, but you can't say that."

Ah, truth. It's nice, isn't it?

Then the girls are shuffled off somewhere to do some speed-dating with fashion editors and the like: They're each given one minute to make a good impression on these people who can MAKE OR BREAK THEIR CAREERS. Haven't heard THAT one in a while, have we kids? Let's do a few more: "FIERCE", "OWN THE CATWALK", "TELL IT LIKE IT IS", "THE FINAL FOUR" (drink).


Are you drunk yet?


Alice kicks off in super-fine form by telling the editor of the Daily Tele's Sunday Magazine that she LOVES the mag and it's part of her Sunday ritual, which brings smiles and adoration from all until she reveals that her favourite column in that mag is one that actually features in The Age's Good Weekend. Oops. She then covers up in masterful fashion by interviewing her interviewer about her history in journalism, asking such thrilling questions as "So, did you do a cadetship or a degree?" Um, Alice, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT YOU, YOU MORON. What are you going to do, write an article on the woman?

But she's better than Steph, who like, really, really, like, gets like, really, sort of, like, tongue tied and becomes, like, REALLY REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. I'm sorry, but I can NOT listen to that girl speak ANY MORE. ANTM producers, I beg of you - PLEASE DON'T GIVE THIS GIRL ANY MORE SCREEN TIME. Or at least turn her mic off from now on. And if she wins, promise that she won't get any TV appearances.

When asked what her style is, Anika grabs a few words and strings them together like this: "Professional...sort of...classy...classy style...and clean....", which a)impresses absolutely no one and b) is a total lie, given that she doesn't actually have any style at all. Meanwhile Jordan extols the virtues of being a "ghetto chick" to the editor of the Sunday Magazine, who is rapidly losing faith in the entire Australian modelling industry and regretting the day she agreed to feature two of these losers in her fashion pages. Jordan goes on to completely blank on her second speed date, saying nothing for an entire minute while the fashion editor of the Sunday Magazine smiles awkwardly at her.

It's fair to say this has been the most excruciating five minutes of the entire series - it's more cringeworthy than David Brent's fundraising dance, and the various "fashion people" that have been burdened with being involved all look even more sour than the editor of Vogue did in episode six when Jordan told her she preferred to read New Weekly. All the girls end up crying, except for Steph who TOYTALLY agrees with the criticism she's given, and Anika, who's still missing her brain and doesn't know what's going on anyway.

Anika and Steph are proclaimed the least moronic, and get to do a fashion shoot for the Sunday Mag while the losers get to work out with sexy Andreas.


So, which bit of me would you like to work out?


Um, sorry, WHO won this challenge again? Clearly not Jordan, who has to spend an entire day listening to Alice's incessant whingeing.

"I just thought 'Can't they just get rid of me now if they're just going to put me through pain?'" she whines. Strangely enough, Jordan thinks exactly the same thing.

Steph is REALLY, REALLY excited about the photo shoot because her make up is REALLY, REALLY cool, like, she's just SOY excited. Oh. My. God. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Anika is given an awesome brunette wig with a fringe, and manages to look exactly like early Paloma. Steph is given the same wig in platinum blonde, and manages to look exactly like every man's wet dream. Or possibly, Paris Hilton. Somewhere, Paloma is having an out of body experience doing a photo shoot with her new best friend.


BFF.


Not sure what look the Sunday Magazine was going for, but if they were hoping to emulate Russian mail order brides, they've cracked it.


Nice girl, pretty girl, want nice husband. Can cook borscht.



Back at Model Mansion, Anika steps in to fill the gaping hole of bitchery that Paloma left when she departed, sitting near an intentionally open door and loudly stating that she works harder than Jordan, Jordan doesn't deserve to win and Jordan sucks. Jordan considers resurrecting her "FUCK that bitch - GAME ON, MOLL!" catchphrase but instead has a chat with Anika in the kitchen about it that, surprisingly, doesn't involve honey or salt. Somehow it all gets resolved. Whatever, who cares. If it doesn't result in a pavlova being made in someone's bed I'm not interested.

Photo shoot challenge time, and the girls are taken to The Dome where they meet Ian Thorpe AGAIN (if he shows up one more time I reckon HE could have a good shot at being Australia's next top model). Anika is even more excited to see him than she normally is to see Andreas, but she's not quite at stalker fan level yet. Not like Alice, who declares "I sort of feel CLOSE to Thorpey now, this is the third time I've met him." Shit, Alice, slow down. By that logic you'll be stripping down to your underwear and reading your secret love diary out to Pease any day now. And let's hope they televise THAT.

Thorpey announces that the girls will be doing an advertisement for his men's underwear range, in which they will be wearing the product whilst "projecting an emotion". Right. Because clearly the best way to sell Y fronts is to feature them falling off of an angry, bony white girl.

Anika gets a one way ticket to Easy Street by being assigned the emotion of "contentment" but still buggers it up by acting stiff and awkward. God knows why - she only has to drape herself over a strange man while wearing men's underwear and looking content, what's her fucking problem? But actually, she still looks hot.


So hot right now.


Could Anika actually WIN this thing? Shit.

In the most gorgeous piece of editing ever, Steph announces "The scenario I was told to imagine in my photo shoot was DEFINITELY something I couldn't relate to," which is immediately followed by the director saying "Ok - your situation is that your boyfriend has just said he's leaving you." Clearly not many boys say no to Steph. Given that she's "never had her heart broken" she tries to look sad for the cameras, but it's all a bit half arsed. She looks more like someone's just broken the Wiggles DVD she got for Christmas.

Jordan has to emote "suspicion" (how this sells underwear I don't know) and as she huddles on the bed, wrapped in a sheet and looking "suspiciously" at the male model behind her, she manages to make the fashion shoot look more like a domestic violence awareness advert.


"Buy Thorpie's undies, for value you can't BEAT!"


But it's generally agreed upon that she's done an awesome job, prompting her to come out with my new favourite ANTM quote: "If they eliminate me, they've got to be fucking kidding."

She could teach a thing or two to Alice, who is given the emotion of "anger". A bit unfair, seeing as she couldn't even manage a mini scream last week, and that was AFTER they'd dressed her as a scuba diver and stuffed her inside a box. What the hell DOES get this girl angry? Alice then rudely steals my next joke and says that an easier emotion for her would be "boredom or sadness". Gold star to Alice for pulling out the funny! She is right back up there at the top of my favourite model list.

Unfortunately she falls to the bottom of the top model list after a distinctly UN angry performance with underwear, a male model and a pillow. She lamely bats him about the head with the pillow a bit, while smiling, in an attempt to look seething with rage.

"It was hard, because I didn't want to hurt the male model," she withers, despite the obvious fact that being hit with a pillow by Alice is akin to being coughed on by a kitten.

Elimination time, hooray! And it seems this week is a fancy dress elimination, as Anika has come as C3P0 from Star Wars.


That dress does not compute.


Meanwhile, Jod-hello has forsaken her K-Fed costume in favour of dressing up as Princess Mary.


"Shut UP! How good is that?"


Or did I mean Proud Mary? Or Black Beauty? I'm confused now, with that bust and those teeth.

Because there aren't NEARLY enough challenges in this show, it's TIME FOR A CHALLENGE in which the models have to act out a scene with (rather cute) young male actor pretending to be their boyfriend. Because that horse isn't QUITE dead yet, they have to act out some EMOTIONS: Alice doesn't do "ecstatic" so well but, surprise, surprise, completely nails "doubtful", while Anika thinks acting "amazed" means saying "Oh my God" over and over again, and Steph doesn't know what "hysterical" means. Jordan solidifies her chances of scoring a soap opera job when she gets out by doing an "Oh moi gourd" scene straight out of Home & Away. She then shows that she has the requisite IQ for such a job by responding to the judges' call for a "bashful" look by saying "Bashful? You mean up yourself?".

Sigh. Onto the photos. Despite doing a shit job on set, as usual Alice pulls out a fantastic photograph. She's even managed to look pissed off as required. Somewhere in the distance we can hear GI Jane yell "That should have been meeeeee!" Steph's photo looks like one of those "Rage without alcohol" ads from the 90s, in which a half-dressed, glum looking girl sits on the edge of a messy bed while a blurry male figure pulls on his pants in the background, underneath which reads something along the lines of WILL YOU REGRET IT TOMORROW?


I don't think I would, but that's another story...


"You look like a woman for the first time," trills Identity Dawson.

Maybe that's because SHE'S HALF NAKED IN BED WITH A MAN CONSIDERABLY OLDER THAN HER, DAWSON. I might be going out on a political limb here, but I'm not sure this shoot was entirely appropriate for a 16 year old.

Anyway, moving on. Jordan looks considerably suspicious, but not very pretty, while Anika turns her "contentness" into stiff unpleasantness. Goodbye Anika.

Judging judging, blah blah, Anika and Jordan hit the bottom two and in a totally unsurprising elimination, Anika is eliminated.

Skeletor, Squinty McSquinterson and Dolly covergirl all wave goodbye to Jugsy McBoobs as she totters off out the door, back to obscurity and her daggy wardrobe.

She's crying - not for the competition, but because she'll never get to work out with Andreas again.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Eight

Clearly not content to have only four of the competition's five contestants hate her guts, Paloma kicks off this week's episode in fine form by telling everyone that Steph H (ie: the only person left in the model mansion that somehow DOESN'T want to strangle her) should have been in the bottom two last week instead of her.

Apparently she can't understand why she came so close to elimination. We can, Paloma. It's because lately you've stopped looking like THIS:


And started looking like THIS:


Which, let's face it, is just one step away from THIS:


And frankly, I don't think there's going to be any "pure condensed evil" themed challenges any time soon, so it might be time to lighten the hell up a bit. Instead though, she starts a fight with Steph and launches into an emotional tirade featuring my new favourite ANTM quote: "They don't know what my strong point is, because I'm good at EVERYTHING."

Especially whining like a bitch, Paloma. Hopefully this week's challenge will be to "look like a brat while bitching about your friends in an AMAZING GUCCI DRESS" - she'll have that one in the bag.

Paloma defiantly shifts her KMart kiddies' bunk bed three inches further away from Steph's, Steph declares herself "over her drama queen-ness", and we all move on knowing that, thanks to the unfailingly high standards of Australian editing, they will probably be best friends again after the first ad break, and Cassandra, Kara and Jane will be serving them sandwiches.

And move on the models do, to meet Jod-hello at the Sydney Dance Cafe (whatever that might be - do they do si do while they pour your capuccino or pirouette while they froth your milk?) who tells them they're all going to get in touch with their bodies. Teenage boys everywhere scramble frantically through their cupboards for a blank video tape but before they get a chance to fumble for the RECORD button on the remote Jod-hello ruins all the fun by explaining the girls are going to take a dance lesson with the Sydney Dance Company. Anika, who was secretly thinking about Sophie, is bitterly disappointed.

This one off lesson is supposed to teach the girls how to "move", worrying Alice who hasn't actually moved in years due to lack of muscle strength. Paloma, on the other hand, announces the challenge will be friggin easy peasy Japanesy lemon squeezy no returns, so clearly she's going to arse the whole thing up and be the worst of the bunch. I can't wait.

As it turns out, Alice is. She's quite uncoordinated. Actually, she's very uncoordinated. In fact, if you took a blind, seasick, one-legged narcoleptic and fed them a litre of cheap red and a few joints before spinning them round 20 times - they'd still have more coordination than Alice.

"She seemed retarded to me," says Paloma, which seems harsh, but...


Haw haw haw.


Although the word retarded springs to mind again when Paloma is charged with reading out the Jodhi Mail presented to them by Pease Porridge (who, just quietly, seems to have become a bit of an afterthought in this series lately. What's happened to him? Did he sleep with the wrong producer or something?)

"Once the game is over the king and PRAWN go back into the same box," she stumbles, continuing the hilarity with "A famous Italian...PRO verb?"

That's right, Paloma, it's a PRO verb, not one of those every day AMATEUR verbs. And I'm glad the prawn gets put back in the box after the game is over - very unhygienic to keep it lying about on the chessboard.

"The Jodhi mails are getting harder to pick, more cryptic," says Alice.

Yeah, especially when Paloma the moron reads them out. For all she knows the next challenge involves lying on a giant chessboard and covering herself in seafood. Actually, that would be a GREAT challenge, but as it turns out the girls have to put on a black bodysuit and "strike a dynamic pose" inside a small, white box. Everyone secretly hopes that once Paloma gets in they'll just weigh the lid down with a few encyclopedias, turn the lights out and walk away, but this seems unlikely.

Pease announces that their sixy Sith African slesh Swidish pirsonal trenner Andreas will be on set to help them limbre up for such a physically demaning shoot. Anika lets out an audible yelp of excitement. On the inside, Pease does the same.

"This is getting seriously competitive, and from now on even the smallest slip up is going to make a huge difference," barks Jod-hello.

Paloma studies her fingernails and yawns, cos she's good at everything and dancing is friggin easy.


"This place looked bigger on realestate.com.au..."


The Mystery of Chessboxin' shoot in a nutshell: Jordan rocks it, Steph is dull, athletic Anika somehow manages to do a backbend and not bust the top of the box with her breasts, and Paloma is told she's too sexy and has to tone it down for this shoot (shouldn't be too hard in that outfit). She then virtually gives up before she even climbs into the box (perhaps she got wind of their encyclopedia-dump-and-run plan) and pulls out the worst performance of the day. Everyone struggles to care, as clearly she'll be back in the bottom two later on. What little is left of Alice's personality seems to have been sucked into oblivion by her black spandex jumpsuit, as she fails to indicate any emotion on her face other than "slightly miffed". Even when Jod-hello suggests she visualise laserbeams shooting out of her eyeballs and killing a monster, Alice's emotional output never registers above "mildly depressed". So dull are her facial expressions, the crew practically explodes with excitement when she does a small pout, exclaiming "YES, LOVING THE POUT! THAT'S FANTASTIC!" Meanwhile, Anika is backstage massaging her lower back from the gymnastics she had to pull to get the same reaction.

In a last ditch effort to get Alice's face to do something other than look vacant, Jod-hello tells her to scream. Instead, Alice does this:


"OHHHHHH - I'm Henry the eighth I am, Henry the eigth I am, I am..."


Which makes everyone ELSE scream, in horror. She finally squeezes out a scream so weak and gaspy it sounds like a background effect in a D-Grade porno movie. If only she had Anika's norks she could possibly even make it in that industry, but oh well.

Jordan is judged the best of the bunch, and she and Steph share a prize of starring in some fashion show somewhere - probably at Westfield on a Thursday night. Everyone else goes back to the model mansion to play a spot of Balderdash, which should be a real intellectual pursuit given that Paloma doesn't even know what a proverb is and thinks seafood is an integral part of chess. Not surprisingly, Alice (who, as we remember from last week, is the only model with any semblance of a brain) is the winner, graciously accepting the title of "biggest liar in the house". Paloma contests her for it, before remembering that she is already the "craziest psycho in the house", and promptly launches into a Paloma Panic Attack.


Palomania!


"The thing is, the modelling side of this is so easy for me, and everything else is so hard," she blubbers.

"People don't understand how hard it is to have depression and wake up every day feeling like shit and have to pretend it's all ok, and I just...don't think...I...can DO IT ANYMORE!" she wails, which is normally a cue for the ANTM emotional guitar music. But clearly the producers have had enough of her whingeing too, as they throw on some peppy dance music and cut to a busy street scene - hooray!

Steph and Jordan do a Bonds parade at some pub, which is hardly special given that Jordan has probably paraded on the bar in her underwear at several pubs before now.

Then it's off to this week's photo shoot (hang on, haven't we already had one? Yes, but apparently that one doesn't count) which Pease describes as "an extreme fashion situation". I hope this means the models will be draped in stitched-together sirloin steaks and dropped in the African Savannah exhibit at Taronga Zoo, but as it turns out it means they'll be hung from the ceiling by a wire and pushed around a bit. Yawn.

Steph decides it's HER time for a panic attack and has a bit of a cry, stammering "I don't like heights". Pease attempts an impression of a concerned individual, but given that both he and the ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD can see the girl will be hanging a sum total of four metres off the ground it's hard to raise any real sympathy.

Pease tells the girls they have to project "an out-there Mary Poppins" - because obviously a woman who flies with an umbrella and has a magic bag that you can carry a lampstand in and can talk to animals and jump into chalk drawings on the footpath ISN'T OUT THERE ENOUGH.

"Out There Mary Poppins" shoot in a nutshell: Steph gets over her fear of heights enough to do an average job, flailing her arms and legs everywhere as she dive bombs the photographer. She declares it "the funnest shoot I've ever done". Watching at home, her English teacher sheds a tear of shame. Everyone generally agrees that Jordan does the best job, while Alice is so stiff, thin and white she looks like a Halloween decoration spinning in the breeze. Anika uses her amazing Andreas-fuelled body strength to pull some hot poses, but we still spend most of her 30 seconds on screen looking right up her clacker - although we don't get quite as much of a close up as we do with Paloma, who seems to think that showing off her clacker is the whole POINT of the shoot.


Paloma - the incredible flying clacker.


Perhaps she's just channeling her future best friend, Paris Hilton. To quote Jordan: "Girlfriend, close those legs." Yeah right - like anyone's going to take modesty tips from Jordan.

And then it's off to elimination - who will stay? Who will go? And more importantly - why is Alice suddenly dressing like a sleek, sophisticated normal woman instead of a 1980s nerd or 1970s mum? Who came up with her gorgeous gorgeous GORGEOUS outfit of a brown leather skirt and floaty orange and green silk shirt? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO SHE'S STOLEN HER NEW FOUND STYLE OFF. Clearly Anika has stolen HER style this week off of Jodhi from last week, as she too is now doing a very passable impression of Kevin Federline in a bad fedora. Unless K-Fed has taken copious amounts of female growth hormone recently, it's fair to say Jodhi is NOT doing another impression of him this week, as she's got her spray-tanned boosies back front and centre to distract us all from the 10 minutes of futility that lies between now and the credits.

But nothing can distract us from the horror that is Alice dancing. Jod-hello challenges her to show off "her best dance moves", little realising that the girl doesn't have ANY, let alone any GOOD ones. She skips a bit, waves her arms a bit, and walks. THAT is how music makes Alice feel. Jordan does some crazy pelvic thrusts, Anika bounces her boosies, and then Paloma gets on the train to Crazy Town, stopping off at Stupid and Ridiculous on the way. Not to be outdone, Steph almost falls down the stairs before throwing herself on the judge's desk, waving her arms about and doing some Alice-style skipping, before finishing with what she obviously thinks is a dramatic flourish, but is actually more of a pissweak Rock 'n' Roll Eisteddfod type pose. She smiles inanely, trying to catch her breath. Everyone feels awkward. Best we move on to the photo judging, eh?

We first get to see the photo of Steph in a box (not a picture of Steph's box, which we got to see last week). She looks like a scuba diver stuck in a flotation tank. But it's better than her second photo, in which she looks like a flying corpse. This somehow impresses Jod-hello, which confuses me until I remember that Jodhi is also impressed by Alice. Speaking of Alice, she looks even more like a flying corpse than Steph does. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PHOTOS? She does, however, look exceptionally good stuffed into a small, white box, which is good in this situation but perhaps not the most useful trait in everyday life. In her photo, Anika looks just like Mary Poppins - IF MARY POPPINS HAD BEEN DEAD FOR A YEAR, DUG UP AND SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING. Seriously, these photos are fucking tragic. Not to mention slightly creepy. God knows what she looked like in her other photo, because they only flashed it up on screen for about half a second. Because, like, who would want to look at the photos? IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S THE BEST BIT OF THE SHOW OR ANYTHING. On to Jordan, and...oh for fuck's sake. I mean seriously.


I'm going to have nightmares for months.


Looking back on it, Paloma might be up with a chance in this one...


Actually, Paloma stuns everyone with a beautiful flying corpse shot, and then ruins it all with an abominable scuba diver stuffed inside a white box shot. Oh well, we can't have it all.

Which is why she's given the boot. Bottom two co-star Steph H is given another chance, and Pyscholoma pretends to be happy for her while secretly plotting cunning ways to get back into the competition on a mental health technicality.

As all her old photos are flashed up on screen we are given the chance to reflect on the curious fact that she never actually had any GOOD ones, and we all start to wonder why she hadn't been kicked out earlier. Not Paloma though, who muses "I think the judges decided to eliminate me because I'm too GOOD for the competition."

"I think Alice will win, just because of what she looks like, which I really hope isn't true because then I'll know this competition wasn't really real in the first place," she says.

How true - how RIDICULOUS for someone to win a modelling competition because of what they look like. STICK IT TO THE MAN, PALOMA!

Aw, bye, Paloma. We'll miss your mood swings, panic attacks and general Palomania. Shine on, you crazy Spaniard.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Seven

Her skin still burning from the honey/salt cocktail T Unit spread in her bed last week, Paloma gets this week's episode off to a fine start, confirming all those rumours about her being Buddhist (well she's always so calm and controlled and live and let DIE YOU FAT SIZE 16 DERRO BITCH!, isn't she?) by announcing that Sophie's elimination was an example of karma.

Anika helpfully reminds us all that Sophie will no longer be able to fulfil her dream of reaching the top two (you know, now that she's no longer in the competition and everything), and then fulfils every teenage boy's fantasy by declaring that she and Sophie used to "do everything together", including shower. God knows how you'd manage to get another person in a shower with Anika AND her boobs, but anyway.

With everything flowing so well and making sense, it's about time some of that good old Aussie editing kicked in - and SNAP! Suddenly we cut to a clip of Jordan hanging her arse out of a car window. Hardly shocking behaviour, to be honest, considering we all saw her G-string on Day One.


Anal floss.


Jordan then gives us all the preliminary lecture in her new WEA course, How to Hang Your Bum Out of a Car Window 101, which goes something along the lines of "Put your bum against the window and pull down your pants". Thanks for that Jordan, never would have worked that one out on our own.

Next morning at the model mansion Jod-hello and Identity rock up to talk to the girls about "model behaviour" which, as we all know, looks a little something like this:


Model Behaviour 101


My heart leaps at the thought of Identity screaming "YOU SHOULD ALL BE ACTING LIKE PROFESSIONAL MODELS!" while racking up some lines as Jod-hello rolls up a few minties. But alas, it's some bloody lecture about being a proper lady and all that when out in public. Jordan's all "Yeah, OI KNOW how to do a bum press already - can oi be excused?"

"If you do win this and you become a famous model, your life will suddenly be under the microscope. You will be scrutinised and evaluated with every move you make," Jod-hello warns, like a 1950s high school instructional video.

Um, see this blog here, Jodhi? Too late, I'm afraid.

Identity then reminds us all of what she's actually ever done in life, which is apparently work on a few magazines like New Idea and Woman's Day, and comes over all MEDIA GURU as she tells the girls how to avoid getting trashed in the tabloids. This includes such sage advice as not letting the paparazzi get photos of your wobbly thighs, and not letting your tits fall out of your top. Sounds like common sense to me, but clearly it didn't sink in for ALL the models...


Onya, Jordan. Image from Perez Hilton. Obviously.


Jod-hello's one piece of advice is not to drink at parties, because "it's better to be known as a bore than a lush". Really? What about on TV, Jodhi? Is it better to be known as a bore on TV, too?

Identity tells the girls they're not allowed to be too thin, either, and everyone looks at Alice, who is still deathly thin despite having been on the Thorpey Super Diet all last week. Remember that scene in Schindler's List where the concentration camp victims prick their thumbs and rub blood on their cheeks in an effort to look healthy?


That's what I think when I look at this.


Identity shows them various paparazzi shots of celebs looking awful, including one of Heath Ledger giving the photographer the finger. Identity warns them against such uncouth acts, and Jod-hello tries to be everyone's totally super-cool awesome big sister by giggling "I've done that!"

"SHUT UP!" yells Jordan. "How good is that?!"

Identity continues her "what good models don't do" lecture with a flashcard of Paris Hilton, and is delighted when it's generally agreed upon that Paris is trash. Generally agreed upon by everyone except Paloma, that is, who harbours secret desires of one day becoming Miss Hilton's friend.

"To be honest, I've wanted to be her friend for awhile. I think it would be fun to go out with Paris Hilton, she looks like she'd be fun," she giggles.

Silly Paloma - if Paris was going to be friends with anyone in the Model Mansion it would clearly have to be Jordan - they both enjoy flashing their private parts in cars. And on catwalks. And just, you know, wherever.

This particular point is emphasised when Identity shows her next aptly named "flashcard", which contains a giant photo of Paris Hilton's minge.

"So wrong dot com," says Jod-hello, who is either trying to outdo herself with "cool youth phrases" this series or simply telling us where she got the photo from.

She then continues her 1950s instructional video style tirade by concluding "Drugs. That's what happens when you start taking drugs." IT'S TRUE - one joint and you'll never wear knickers again, girls, TAKE HEED!

Steph H then comes up with the latest top ANTM quote: "I'm definitely going to be wearing underwear from now on, everywhere I go." Well Jodhi, you know what they say: If you only get through to ONE person, it's worth it...

The girls get packed off to some room somewhere where they meet some columnist and some fashion designer who are to teach them such complicated feats of etiquette as shaking hands with someone when you're holding a glass of champagne AND a cocktail spring roll at the same time.

"I've been well brought up with my family, which I've been very privileged of," says Anika, proving that while she may have been taught which cutlery to use at the dinner table, she still might have a way to go with actually mastering English.

But actually, it turns out that even cutlery eludes her, as she attempts to eat a bowl of spaghetti with a KNIFE AND FORK. She then cements her fate as loser of whatever crap etiquette challenge they're going to have in this episode by laughing in the face of the fashion designer who is pretending to be John Howard, meeting her at a pretend party. Jordan reclaims some Bland Canyon brownie points by exclaiming "I'd probably do the same thing if I met John Howard, I think he's a twat." Now, if only she could get into Kirribilli with some honey and salt...

Back at the Model Mansion, all the girls are vaguely grieving the death of their beloved pet fish, named Fatty - rather ironically, considering he actually WAS fatter than any of the girls in the house. Paloma makes him a little crucifix and they plan a special funeral where they will all wear black, and they're all so sad, jeez they loved that fish so much, he was such a EXCUSE ME BUT WHO THE FUCK IS FATTY THE FISH? Did anyone even know they HAD a fish? All we find out about Fatty was that Paloma named him on the first day in the house, because he was "abnormally fatter than the other fish". Obviously she hadn't thought of "FAT SIZE 16 DERRO MOLL" by that stage, or he would have been called Cassandra.

Then the girls are lured to Bondi for a "play day" with Jodhi, only the bitch has double crossed them again - they're actually there to be photographed by a sniper papparazzo and, presumably, ridiculed later in the episode. Excellent. Jodhi is the meanest big sister ever. I wouldn't be surprised if she was a founding member of T Unit.

The tog snaps various photos of them looking awful while eating breakfast, but mostly of Danika looking awful while eating breakfast, because apparently she's fat now. Paloma declares Danika to have "obvious weight", and Danika admits she's stacking it on a bit, although she's "not overweight - yet". Meanwhile, Alice cries as she chows down on a stack of pancakes, whimpering "BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD!"

Then some random old guy successfully manages to get all the models to follow him to the beach with the unremarkable pick up line "Which one of you chickalings DOESN'T want to come surfing?". It's not quite as good as "You must be tired, cos you were running through my dreams all last night", but it seems to do the trick. The paparazzi merrily snap away as they break all of Identity Dawson's golden rules about wobbly bits and boobs.

The girls start to suss our intrepid tog out, so he throws on his utterly realistic and devilishly clever Johnathan Pease disguise:


I'm Pease. Johnathan Pease.


Anika mistakes all the Foxtel-funded paparazzi attention for ACTUAL celebrity, and muses on how the photographers found out they were all going out to lunch that day. I am losing faith in Anika as the smart one of the bunch. For some reason Alice is the only one with the one eighth of a brain required to work out that it's all part of this week's challenge, leaving the other models surprised out of their tiny minds when they get home to find the paparazzo seated with Identity Dawson in their living room. "Ohhhhh! So we're not REALLY celebrities at all! I get it!"

"This is the only time we're going to sit down and laugh about these photos, because the next time it could be for real," says Dawson, seemingly ignoring the fact that she's still about to broadcast these photos on national TV, and so actually, it kind of IS for real RIGHT NOW.

Not surprisingly, the photos are all awful - particularly the ones of Steph H inelegantly slapping a G-string on her muff after her surfing expedition. Well, she did say she was going to wear underwear EVERYWHERE now. Somehow, changing into a G-string on the side of a busy beachside esplanade is quite acceptable in Steph's world, but getting photographed while doing it is SO EMBARRASSING.

"If that photo was in a magazine I'd be DEVASTATED," she says.

Oh good, lucky it's only been shown to millions of Pay TV subscribers then. This segment also explains why I've been getting all those hits for "Australia's next top model steph h minge" all day. I can only assume I'll get even more now.

Dawson announces the prize for the challenge is a VIP seat at an Anthony Mundine boxing match. All the models look as though they've just been offered the chance to spend the evening studying each other's belly button fluff, except for Anika, who almost jumps out of her pants with excitement.

"NO WOBBLY BITS!" screams Dawson.

Fortunately for everyone, Anika wins, although she's slightly less excited about the prize when she discovers she has to share the evening with Jod-hello and the captain of the Sydney Swans.

"SHUT UP! How good is that?" yells Jodhi from off set.

Anika chooses Alice to share the prize with her, and Alice thanks her by calling her the wrong name. Ahh, friendship.

The boxing prize segment is boring enough not to mention, except for the part in which Paloma confesses she wanted to be a boxer when she was young but gave up on it because she's too nice (we're not sure whether this precedes her childhood dream of being in Vogue), and also to say that Jodhi obviously thinks she is Kevin Federline:


Drugs. That's what happens when you start taking drugs.


Bet the punters behind her were REAL happy about that hat.

Photo shoot time, and this week the girls are asked to "get physical" in a shot which they will share with another person. Unlike in the better, overseas version of this show (the ones with hosts with names that start in "Ty" and end in "ra Banks"), the girls won't get to pose with any sexy male models - instead, they have to pose with their mums, "in honour of mother's day". Yaaaaaaaawn. All the mums look fairly normal and unremarkable, except for Jordan's mum who manages to upstage Jordan simply by standing next to her and breathing, and Alice's mum who looks teeny tiny next to her beanpole of a daughter. How did THAT happen? Explain THAT, genetics.

The mum shoot is ENTIRELY boring. Really. Nobody does anything interesting or scandalous AT ALL, save for Alice's mum who takes over their entire shoot and starts shouting out stage directions at the photographer which almost leads to Alice's first ANTM panic attack. Anika says it's nice to have her mum on set "for support", which is funny considering she seems to have more than enough of that in the front of her dress:


She has my full support.


After the shoot they all get shunted off for drinks and dinner as a big group together, which totally kills any possibility of six separate, juicy bitch sessions involving the words "Paloma", "is", "such a" and "cow". Well, five anyway.

"You'll eat like queens and revolve at the same time," enthuses Pease, which makes me think they're going to eat on the stage of a transgender strip club, but no - they're all off to a revolving restaurant.

CAN YOU BELIEVE REVOLVING RESTAURANTS STILL EXIST? No, I can't either.

Anyway - dinner, dinner, mums, dinner, blah blah.

And after an entire episode OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING WHATSOEVER, it's off to elimination. Jodhi's got her boosies tucked safely away for once, and Alice is dressed like an extra from Revenge of the Nerds (her role would be something like "Nerd in Toilet 3") in a 1980s tuxedo shirt print T shirt. Actually, she looks kinda cool, but let's not tell her that.

Because the girls haven't been humiliated enough this episode, Jod-hello gets out the old paparazzi shots again for another good old belly laugh. It's amazing how VERY unstriking all of the girls are in these unstyled happy snaps - particularly Danika, who was clearly telling the truth about her little weight gain.


Not the best face to pull in front of a pack of togs.


"See, it's OBVIOUS," yells Paloma.

The ghost of Fatty the fish continues to haunt the elimination room, as the guest judge points at Anika's (quite nice) photo and exclaims "There's a touch of the Sarah Fergusons about THAT!" Anika immediately runs to the toilets with Danika to purge in unison.

Mum shoot photo judging in a nutshell: Alice looks like someone stuffed her corpse and propped it up against the chair her mum is sitting on; Steph looks just like a Dolly covergirl should look - so smiley you could punch her; Identity Dawson tells Danika she's stacked on the weight (ALRIGHT, for Christ's sake, enough already!) and makes her cry, causing Non Identity Jez Smith to try and reel it all back in by making some lame comment about being healthy, when in reality no one would give a shit if she ate donuts for breakfast and heroin for dinner if she managed to keep a hot body; and Paloma's mum looks set to take out the entire competition by looking much better than her daughter and almost anyone else on set.

Jodhi does the maths - six girls, only five places - and after a few minutes deduces that ONE OF THE GIRLS WILL HAVE TO BE ELIMINATED.

This week it comes down to Danika (who's put on a bit of weight lately, in case you hadn't heard) and Paloma. What? Seriously? Yep - bitch is on the way OUT.

It suddenly strikes me how much prettier Danika is than Paloma, who looks decidedly witchlike without her makeup and styling - but it's too late, our little donut girl is given her marching orders. She walks down the runway, out of the warehouse and straight to the nearest Jenny Craig.