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Monday, November 26, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: THE GRAND FINAL

This is it, people. After weeks and weeks of late nights...


This is approximately how old I was at the beginning of the series


...and hard nights on the couch...


...and pages and pages of notes...


...and WAY too much Marcia and Holden...


...we're FINALLY HERE. Idol's night of nights! THE GRAND FINALE - AUSTRALIA DECIDES!

I have to admit it's lucky I even caught the program at all - I thought they had done a last minute schedule change and shifted the show to the ABC on Saturday night, but it turned out it was just some other show called 'Australia Decides' with less attractive contestants. I couldn't work out why everyone kept whooping and cheering - especially when the nerd with the glasses won. AND he didn't sing ONCE.

Anyway it's Monday now so it's all done and dusted, but to get you back in the mood of Sunday night let's set the scene a bit here: Imagine Marcia is Tina Turner in leather, the Opera House is the Thunderdome and Holden is Mad. Oops, I obviously mean Mad MAX - don't want to make it too easy for you.


Two Idols enter. One Idol leaves. (The other stays in the Thunderdome and enjoys a more successful career.)


Let the not-so-liveblogging BEGIN!

7.30pm: Well, we're here, it's the grand final, and... ARE YOU SERIOUS? ALREADY?


And Corby single-handedly pushes the Stevie count into double figures - WOO! Does this mean he's won? Oh, it doesn't. Never mind.

7.35: The Idol producers, clearly rueing the lack of sweat and grease in this year's grand final show, get Chris "contractual obligations" Murphy back to interview some "celebrities" (ie: people you may recognise but can't actually name) on the "red carpet" (ie: whatever bit of material was left over from the ARIAs). This includes such famous identities as: That Girl From Neighbours, That Other Girl From Neighbours and That Random American Guy. And Brett Lee.

7.40: Tim Bailey (otherwise known as That Guy Who Crops Up On Channel 10 Every Year Or So To Do A Spot Of Filler) is coming in LIVE from La Gauci's home town of... who knows. Who cares? For some reason the Consul General of Malta is there - I like to think that he's there by accident after a case of mistaken identity at the airport, and he's standing there waving and smiling thinking "This doesn't look like the Confederation of Goat Farmers trade conference..."

7.41: One of Nat's relatives starts playing the accordion and everyone starts dancing. It's like a Fasta Pasta ad.

7.42: Andrew G has REALLY taken Movember too far.

7.43: "Is that Ben Cousins?" shrieks Raoul Duke. No, it's someone called "Labrat". So, same thing really. He's hanging out with Le Corby's friends in his hometown. Wherever that is.

7.45: Back at the Thunderdome and Tina, Max and the others are sitting on a couch with Monkey Boy. Dicko's got his best leathers on (could this be a nod to our leather-loving lady, La Gauci?) while Max is dressed in his best Sergeant Peppers outfit. Which, funnily enough, is actually one of his worst.

7.47: "Well I said TURN ME LOOSE, TURN ME LOOSE..." and so on and so on.

7.51: Damien "Diddle-dee-dee" Leith has taken some time out from guarding his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to come and perform his new single All I Want Is You. Weird - I seem to remember some other Irish singer doing something like that before...

7.55: Time for the obligatory flashback of the last 20 years. Or however long this series has been running now. We are all reminded of Breanna, Holly, Jacob and OH MY GOD I'D TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT


IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!!!


While we're flashbacking, here's what the BC said about both contenders in their first auditions, way back when:

"He's followed by Natalie who, fortunately, doesn't look a thing like Michael Keaton but does seem to own the ugliest vinyl jacket in Australia. This wouldn't really be a problem, except that she happens to be wearing it. She also happens to own the biggest electric keyboard in Australia, and once the semi trailer carrying it has dropped it off in the audition room and it has been winched into place, she starts doing an Alicia Keys impression on it. Apparently it's an original song. Apparently this is also the performance that has been touted on the ads all week as having taken the judges' collective breath away. Unfortunately not away for long enough to hospitalise Kyle for the rest of the series, but enough to make Dicko pull out the "I think you can win this competition" line for the first time this year. He follows it up by saying she's the "total package". Oh no. Kiss of death for Natalie, buh-bye!"


Ah La Gauci. She kept that whole vinyl jacket thing up though, didn't she? Bless her. And the other guy?

"Anyway it's finally time for our last auditionee for 2007! Hurrah! Meet 16 year old Matt, who looks like a cross between Dean Geyer and Hamish Blake. Which, as we know, equals HOTT and CUTE! Matt brings the "grrr" and "awww" factors together in a way science previously never thought possible. And guess what song he does?

Yes. Oh yes he does.


I AM starting to get a bit superstitious now...

But it's not all tragic - he plays it on his guitar, and he's a pretty hot guitarist for 16. Oh Matt, oh yeah.

Clearly Matt's already won this whole thing so there's probably no point in coming back for the next episode...but I shall anyway! Onward and upward, and thank GOD for Sydney!"


8.00: "Alright Australia, for the first time in 20 years, THE DIVINYLS!!" Thousands of confused teenagers think "That old chick's doing Natalie Gauci" as Chrissie and the gang launch into Boys in Town. Sadly there is no piano standing though.

8.02: "Too much too young! Woo! Too much too... er... where'd the picture go?" Instead of watching the Divinyls whip the end of the song into oblivion, we're treated to a delightful ad for some new Channel 10 show called Don't Forget the Lyrics, which appears to be a none-too-subtle rip off of Channel 9's The Singing Bee, but worse BECAUSE IT'S INTERRUPTING THE DIVYNLS. Clearly the work experience kid has tripped over a cable and sent the network into meltdown.

"How classic," yips Raoul. "The Divinyls agree to do this shit show for publicity and then Channel 10 fucks it up."

8.03:

Petstarr: "I can't believe they fucked up the end of that song."

Raoul Duke: "I can't believe they're getting all these old Idols no one cares about to do Pascall ads."

Petstarr: "Good point."


8.05: "Alright Australia, for the first time in five minutes, THE DIVINYLS!" Chrissie and the gang have another crack at Boys in Town. As Channel 10 is so fond of saying: Seriously. In the background you can just hear the distant sounds of someone getting the sack.

8.06: "I must have been desperate, I must have been pretty low..." Yep, those lyrics would seem to be fairly appropriate for thie evening, Chrissie.

8.07: Andrew G announces The Divinyls' new single is Don't Wanna Do This. That would also seem to be fairly appropriate.

8.25: Shannon Noll wears a vest with cut off sleeves and screams like Jimmy Barnes.

8.36: Channel 10 confuses one pointless talent contest with another and gets "20 of Australia's best dancers" on stage to promote So You Think You Can Dance?. So you think you can last the full three hours of this shit?

8.38: So, like, where are Matt and Nat?

8.39: More dancing. Some people are dressed in twigs. Considering half of the Idol cast spent the last 12 weeks dressed by Sheridan Tyler, I think we can safely say this is an improvement.

8.41: Someone's mum gets on stage to sing Who's Loving You. Not us, by the looks of it.

8.43: More flashbackery - we get to see Casey Donovan's audition tape from 2005 in which she's sporting dodgy plaited hair, jumbo shorts and a horrid grey sweater. Actually, IS that her audition tape, or footage of her at the ARIAs this year?

8.48: Raoul Duke: "DO THIS IN AN HOUR, YOU BASTARDS!"

8.49: Natalie Bassingthwaighghhghhte tears in on the back of a motorbike with a JBF hairdo (actualy, it's more like a JBFVVH - work that one out for yourselves) and starts singing whatever crap single the Rogue Traders are trying to pass off as music this week. Everyone prays for the work experience kid to come back and breakdance across the broadcast room.

8.50: "I never liked you and I won't pretend to!" she sings. Again, like the Divinyls, an INSPIRED song choice.

8.51: A bunch of ninjas rush on to the stage, but instead of swarming on Natalie and throwing her into the harbour they just do a bit of dancing. Sigh.

8.58: A stretch Porsche rolls up, escorted by a team of rollerbladers with flaming wrists. Either a bunch of waitresses has gotten caught in a tragic kitchen fire at a Johnny Rockets and is skating towards the Harbour to cool off, or the IDOLS HAVE ARRIVED!

8.59: WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? Her breasts look enormous, mainly because they're being squeezed so hard by that ill-fitting bodice that they've started to do a fairly passable impression of the BOOBA book shelf from Ikea. And that dreadful toilet roll holder white tulle skirt makes her look... well...

9.00: Honestly, is Natalie pregnant? Raoul suggests that perhaps she has "some weird extra body part they have to disguise". Like a penis? "Exactly like a penis." On the other hand, she's DRIPPING in diamonds, of which I approve.

9.01: Oh look, Matt's wearing a blue suit. SERIOUSLY, COULD SHE BE PREGNANT?

9.03: Brianna, Jacob, Werewolf and the rest of the gang come back on stage to show us exactly we why voted them out WEEKS AGO. Luckily the fireworks are there to drown them out. They're doing Lionel Richie's All Night Long - another appropriate song choice, as that's the approximate running length of tonight's show.

9.08: OH MY GOD IT'S BLOODY LIONEL RICHIE! This must be a high point of his career, performing alongside Brianna Carpenter.

9.17: More flashbacks. I don't know what of, I'm too lost in my own flashback, back to an hour and a half ago when I was enthusiastic, full of beans, awake...

9.21: Ok, so they've cut the Divinyls off half way through, they've had rollerbladers with third degree burns and they've had Lionel Richie - I really don't see how they can spin this out for a whole other hour.

9.22: Oh. With interpretive dance.

9.23: Thank GOD Natalie got changed!

9.24: Hang on, is that a fur bolero? Sigh.

9.25: Matt has obviously been caught napping through all those boring flashbacks and has had to dash on stage with only a moment's notice, as he appears to have arrived on stage wrapped only in his bedclothes. If only Matt slept naked. Sigh.

9.26: And so commences the dodgiest Idol final 12 medley in the history of medleys. Come to think of it, has a medley EVER been good, in the history of medleys? Actually, yes.


9.27: Oh dear. The Beach Boys + Smash Mouth + M People + Fatboy Slim = WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME, JUST MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT ALREADY FOR F*CK'S SAKE.

9.28: "Who do you think you are? Stop acting like some kind of staa-aaar!" sings Brianna. Truer words were never sung. Actually, THOSE words were never sung either, given that they were delivered by Brianna. It's a bit like this:


9.37: The eternal mystery of why it is so difficult to dress Natalie Gauci in a decent outfit continues, as she rocks on stage in a tight, white evening gown straight from the budget rack at Gilly and Graham's Bridal Barn.

9.42: The cutest grandparents in the world, Corrado and Pasqualina, give their best wishes to Natalie. This segment contains the phrase "We see you in the TV tonight, we wish you win." I secretly hope that Corrado and Pasqualina win the competition instead.

9.47: La Gauci puts on a performance of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror. If only she'd listened to that man a bit more instead of Sheridan Tyler, we'd all be listening intently instead of shielding our eyes from the fashion abomination she's currently traipsing around in.

9.55: Not one to be outdone in the stupid fashion stakes, Matt Corby turns up in a pair of spray on maroon velveteen pants that make him look like he's been out ridin' steeds for the past 48 hours. Riding something, at any rate. "I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS!" yells Monkey Boy for no apparent reason. Perhaps he was talking to Sheridan.

9.56: Another flashback, and... Oh. Yay.


10.02: One of Matt's friends is selling his old monkey patterned pyjamas on Ebay for charity. "Remember when you wore these, Matty?" she laughs. "He wore those last week," guffaws Raoul.

10.04: Matt sings Bittersweet Symphony Ben McKenzie style. What, no Immigrant Song?

10.12: "We have a winner," announces Monkey Boy. Oh GOODY, because it's only taken THREE FUCKING HOURS. They called Bennelong earlier than this.

10.14: ANOTHER FUCKING GROUP PERFORMANCE. WHY DON'T THEY JUST GIVE US ALL THE FINGER WHILE SINGING "SCREW YOU, AUSTRALIA" HUH? HUH?

10.15: I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? It's some disgusting $19.95 patterned top from Deborah Kay, or Kath & Kim's costume department. Are we allowed to have an Idol who clearly can't dress herself? Is that against the rules? Although I guess that would rule out both contenders, so we'd better just go with it...

10.16: One of the Idols is about to win a car. "I hope it's Jacob so he can FUCK OFF," screams Raoul. It's Holly. Oh well, at least she can drive back to Mildura, and obscurity, in it.

10.22: ARE WE THERE YET? We must be nearing the end, Natalie's made her final horrific costume change, this time into a very unforgiving red satin sheath and choker circa 1992, plus a pair of elbow-length black leather gloves. Um, what? Yes, that's right.


Pic source: The Age


Matt, on the other hand, has clearly borrowed his outfit for the evening: The suit from Carl Risely and the shoes from Natalie. If he clicks his heels three times he'll go home to Oyster Bay.

10.23: And the winner is... NATALIE GAUCI! Cue screaming, wailing, dancing in the aisles and people throwing themselves into the Harbour.

10.24: "I'm so happy for Nat," says Matt. "She's awesome, she's just gonna blow everyone.


Away."

10.25: Really, WHO told her to put those gloves on? She looks like a diamond thief. Well that explains her earlier outfit, then.

10.27: Here I Am. Here She Is. Here I Go - to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

10.29: Fireworks, explosions, power notes and five thousand tonnes of confetti conclude the proceedings. Fortunately Nat has her industrial gloves on so she can help with the clean up.

10.30: Goodnight Australia. It's been fun. Next time I decide to ruin my sleep, health and social life by blogging a TV show, I do hope you'll join me.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

20 minutes in to the Australian Idol Grand Finale: A snapshot

PETSTARR: I said won't you turn me loose, WOO! TURN ME LOOSE! Wow, those Young Divas would be great for a wedding.

RAOUL DUKE: Mmm. I am pretending to be interested.

PETSTARR: *checking tv guide on computer* Er, honey... You know this goes for three hours...?

RAOUL DUKE: ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?

PETSTARR: Er, no. It finishes at 10.30.

RAOUL DUKE: What the HELL? Why don't they just GET ON WITH IT? This is RIDICULOUS. SERIOUSLY. Three HOURS? etc. etc. etc.


I'll have the wrap up done Monday, kids.

If you're looking for a tip - it's a TOUGH CALL, but I think our favourite might fall at the last hurdle, so my money's on Natalie.

Or maybe Maxine McCue will turn up and surprise us all.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Current Affair, the butt of the joke again

So I just finished watching an EXTREMELY SHOCKING report that EVERY PARENT SHOULD SEE on that bastion of journalistic integrity, A Current Affair, and thought it deserved a mention here.

If you can be bothered, you can watch the report here:

Computer game outrage
Computer game outrage


But basically the gist of it is this:

  • Young boy goes to school.


  • Young boy's mate shows him a slightly rude Flash game on the internet in the computer labs at lunch.


  • Both boys think they, and it, are mutually hilarious.


  • Boy goes home, gets on internet, plays hilarious game again.


  • Boy's mother freaks the fuck out, calls A Current Affair.


Of course there's much gnashing of teeth and hysterical cries of "CHILD PORNOGRAPHY" and "OUR YOUNG MINDS ARE BEING CORRUPTED" and "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN AT A SCHOOL?" etc. etc. and calls to hang the Principal up by the bollocks and all that sort of thing.

So what exactly is this X RATED GAME that's caused such an uproar to warrant a five minute report on national television?

Well, it's called Butt Hunter, and it's a cartoonish shoot-em-up game in which you roam a forest shooting naked men hiding in the bushes (which, strangely enough, is an activity most ACA watchers would usually support). Obviously this already sounds SERIOUS enough, but wait: If you miss one, and they catch you, they give you a good old rogering, cartoon style.

Not convinced? SEE THE HORROR FOR YOURSELF HERE.

My favourite part of the ACA "report" was when they showed a blurred-out screen grab from the game, and said ominously: "The animation of this CRIMINAL ACT is SO SICKENINGLY GRAPHIC we could never show you in this story. The main objective? PREYING ON LITTLE BOYS."

Fortunately here in the BC I'm not bound by such censorship, and I CAN show you:


Actual size.


What's that? Whaddya MEAN you coudn't see the X RATED, FULLY HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHIC ACTION? Try this:


Pixelated porno.


Onya ACA. Even with the advantages of full colour and fluid movement this game is about as sexually explicit as Leisure Suit Larry.

Wait until some schoolkid logs on to Two Girls One Cup, ACA will dedicate their entire show to it. We hope.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Final Two

Oh. My. God. Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod OhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygod.

We are like, SO down to the final two, and HOW FRICKIN' EXCITED ARE WE?


STOKED.


As Christopher Lambert once famously said: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, so tonight it's up to either Matt or Natalie to get out their broadsword and hack the other's head off. Or you know, just outsing them or something.

They're certainly dressed for a fight - Nat's sporting some fetching bondage gear while Matt's already loosened his tie. GAME ON, MOLLS. Forget Gladiators, THIS will be the deathmatch to end all deathmatches. Let's have a look at our final two, shall we?




As you can see, there's barely anything in it. Christ, there are more points of difference between Rudd and Howard right now.

Back to the show: Monkey Boy informs us that there'll be no judging tonight as they're "Going to leave it up to the people to decide".


Still, it's lucky the judges have turned up anyway, as everyone wants to have a go at Dicko for some comment he made in the newspaper about the winner's single being a pile of crap. I haven't read the article and I haven't heard the song, but stuff it: I'M WITH DICKO. Let's face it: Odds are that it will be crap, and even if it isn't it probably will be after we're all forced to listen to it on every Channel 10 promo over and over again for the next six months.

Then there's a big video package detailing Matt and Natalie's "journeys" up to this point, which in both cases has consisted of one flight to Sydney. So don't expect too many frequent flyer points on that one. There's also some footage of Matt's parents explaining they knew he was destined to be a star when they saw him rocking back and forth next to the television when he was two. ROCKING. BACK AND FORTH. THAT IS STAR QUALITY RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE.

It's clear there's going to be a lot of flashbackery this episode, so let's take a look at some of the BC's favourite Idol moments this year:

  • "It must make you proud to have everyone in this room do this to you while your mum's watching." - Ken Doll to Tarisai about her touchdown on Britpop night.


  • "If you call Tarisai Tiramisu one more time I'm going to punch you in the throat." - Monkey Boy to Holden.


  • Jacob Butler singing Oasis at every opportunity EXCEPT for on Britpop night, where, of course, it would have been highly inappropriate.


  • Carl Risely attempting a swing version of that #1 pop classic, Waltzing Matilda.


  • Anything ever sung by Brianna Carpenter.


  • Brianna Carpenter admitting to being totally deaf in one ear. Australia slapping its collective forehead in sudden understanding.


  • Scarves. Tight black jeans. Scarves. Stupid hair. Scarves.


  • And of course, the infamous Rock Night


There are SO many more but there's no time for that now - THE DEATHMATCH HAS BEGUN!

Matt's first up and he's launching straight into the winner's single that Dicko is so enamoured of, Here I Am. Wow. Catchy title. They could have gone with Here I Are or Here You Am, but I think the final decision was the right one.

It's a very boy-friendly single, all about "now I've found a place to land" and "I've waited all my life" and "blah blah blah yooooooou" - sorry I couldn't get all the lyrics down, they were extremely complex and besides, I was distracted for most of the song by Matt's teeth, which are exceptionally straight and white. This is obviously the reason the poor boy was forced to wear tea towels for half the season - he spent all his money on orthodontics. Poor lad.

And the judges say... NOTHING. Because they're not allowed to. But let's just imagine they did anyway: Holden says "YOWZA!", Dicko says "Collywobbles!", Marcia says "Mmm-hmm!" and Kyle says "Not lame."

Moving on to Natalie Gauci's video package, in which her parents say something like "Natalie always used to say she's be famous one day, blah blah blah, she's always been a star in our family, yada yada yada, she always stood on pianos at home, etc. etc. etc." Honestly, one day I would just love to hear some Idol's parents go "Nah, she never had that much interest in music, she actually really wanted to be an accountant. We can't understand why she's even bothering with this show."

Anyway, on with the show. Natalie's decided to perform some obscure Timbaland song called Apologise, which is quite appropriate as she really SHOULD be sorry for that awful outfit she's in: A black vinyl mini dress with a shiny red belt and black leather gloves. She looks like a pantomime cat burglar caught mid-crime. Couple this fashion craziness with the psychedelic camerawork that places three close-up shots of her face on screen at the same time, and you've got one surefire recipe for FREAKING ME OUT. I imagine she sang the song rather well, but honestly, who would know? During the few moments in which I'm not distracted by her crazy gloves, I'm blinded by the light reflecting off of Matt Corby's teeth backstage. Seriously - they could just hang a mirrorball in front of that guy's face and Channel 10 would save hundreds on lighting bills.

Speaking of mirrorball Matt, he appears to actually be wearing one around his neck for his second performance. The undone silver sequinned bow tie is very "Studio 54 Morning After" - I approve. He's chosen to do Radiohead's High and Dry as done by Jamie Cullum. So what, that's like Radiohead to the power of 3? Or negative 6? Whatever - I bet Carl's jealous Matt got to stick around and do a jazzy interpretation number as his final performance. Somewhere, Carl turns up his Great Anthems of the World - SWING STYLE! CD to mask the sound of his weeping.

NEXT! It's La Gauci again, with a surefire suicide call: Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill. IS SHE MAD? Not even Kate Bush can make that song sound good. No, seriously, this is ridiculous. NO ONE CAN SING THIS SONG. I know, I tried it on Singstar last weekend and almost melted my own vocal chords.

Her performance is not helped by another seriously dodgy dominatrix outfit - a black leather jacket that Sheridan Tyler has attacked with a Bedazzler and black lycra leggings with the biggest crotch you've ever seen. But shit, the girl is doing Kate Bush. And she's actually rocking it. This is good. THIS IS GREAT. It's a damn shame there's no piano for her to stand on as a grand finale, but nevertheless, it's a hot performance.

After the adbreak (in which Channel 10 pretends that bringing Friends back to TV is the really exciting, bold move we've all been waiting for rather than just a cynical move to resurrect a show everyone's seen a million times on Foxtel already in a pathetic attempt to engender loyalty in its Gen X audience) it's time for Matt Corby's third song. Which is Wolfmother's Mind's Eye. The only thing I remember about this is Matt's ridiculous "glasses" print T shirt, which is the last thing I saw before I threw my half eaten dinner at my television and stalked out of the room in disgust, muttering something about "Led Zeppelin" and "White Stripes" and "rip offs".

It's about this time that I realise Matt Corby looks a lot like supermodel Miranda Kerr.


So, which one is going out with Orlando Bloom then?


NEXT! La Gauci is back, and this time she's singing the winner's single, Here I Am. So here she is. Or there she is. Whatever.

Clearly Sheridan Tyler has it in for her tonight, as her third outfit is even worse than the first two. A bright red satin sheath that's as unforgiving as ... well, something really unforgiving. Like an anti Jesus. This dress shows every bump - not just the good ones. NATALIE MY LOVE, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS PRETEND TO BE CHUNKY? We know you're not, so stop it.

And so concludes the snooze fest. BUT HOWEVER WILL WE CHOOSE? I hear you scream.

Look, when it comes down to it, the final two are like a Gillette razor: They're essentially exactly the same products, it's just that one looks girlier. And I'm not talking about Natalie.

Good luck, my darling Idolites. May the best girl win.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Final Two - DELAYED!

Hey peeps - sorry to do this to you but you'll have to wait a little longer than usual for your Idol recap this week. I'm not going to give a reason, cos that's how I roll, but you can expect a brand new wrap up some time on Monday evening (I'll guesstimate about 8pm CST).

And remember: your vote is a valuable thing. Make it count.

(What, there's TWO elections on this weekend?)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Audience Choice Night RESULTS

What a RIPPER of a show tonight was, ladies and gentlemen! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. Being the totally impartial commentator that I am (go Matt) I can safely say I was barracking for all three finalists (it's in the bag, Corby) evenly. (Matt! Woo!)

Speaking of Matt, a work colleague of mine apparently spent the weekend musing on what Matt would look like if he was 20% Holden. Or, perhaps more accurately, what the Idol-spawn of Matt and Holden would turn out like. Apparently, this is it.


Bizarre social experiment, or hot? You decide.


Perhaps you need to watch that otter film again now.


Ok this is the second to last BIG ANNOUNCEMENT so let's not dick around here. Let's cut straight to the chase with QUICKNEWS:

  • Ken Doll tries to outdo Matt Corby in the ridiculous hair stakes by sporting a dirty great porn 'stache and scaring off half of the 12-24 female demographic.


  • Delta Goodrem rocks up to promote her new single, turns up looking like Shakira crossed with a giant poodle. In a muu-muu.


    Pardon?


    I mean, I know everyone says Delta would look good in a potato sack, but did she have to take them literally? While she wails at her piano (and I wail on the couch) a lost rock and roll eisteddfod troupe shuffles awkwardly behind her. "GOD THIS IS INTERMINABLE!" I yell, just as it finishes. Thank God for that.



  • Holden gives everyone a Blair Witch style backstage tour, which seems to focus rather heavily on plates of old chops and snags (so THAT'S where Carl's vocal chops got to)


  • Marcia raids Delta's wardrobe, dons a matronly purple dress to sing a nasally version of REM's Everybody Hurts. For the first time, the lyrics make sense. The three remaining Idols try to look interested from the sidelines, which results in Natalie Gauci looking more than slightly awkward. My mother informs me her dress is actually in a shade known as "menopause blue". You learn something new every day. And sometimes things you didn't want to.


And then it comes to results time, and Matt, Natalie and Carl are ALL IN THE BOTTOM THREE. OH MY GOD. THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.

Natalie is the first to be sent back to the couch. Damn, there goes my tip. Speaking of tips - since when has she had a nose stud? Have I missed this small detail for the entire series, or is she just feeling reckless enough to wear it for the first time tonight? Makes a change from the ginormous earrings.

"I can't believe this is happening!" she squeals. To be honest neither can I, after last night's performance.

So it's down to Matt and Carl. I think we all know what's going to happen here. But just in case you're wondering who the favourite is, the judges are here to remind you.

"Surely Matt can't go, SURELY?" shrieks Dicko.

"We just can't imagine that MATT would go," sobs Marcia.

"This is STRESSIN' ME OUT!" yells Holden.

"My whole family loves Carl," says Kyle, finally adding a bit of balance to the discussion.

"But to me, Matt is the bomb."

Ah. Oh well.

Meanwhile poor unwanted loser reject Carl who no one likes is desperately fighting back tears as those bastards Ken Doll and Monkey Boy throw to another ad break. Will he make it through another adbreak? Will WE?

As it turns out, we don't have to, as here in Adelaide Telstra has kindly decided to broadcast a commercial that ruins the entire surprise.

"WANT TO GO TO THE OPERA HOUSE FOR THE LIVE IDOL FINALE?" it screams, while flashing up photos and the names MATT .... NATALIE.

THANKS A FUCKING LOT, TELSTRA. We're not ALL on Eastern Standard Time you know, you bastards. Way to ruin the moment. I can only hope they do that for the grand finale as well, and really ruin the whole series for me.

So we get back from the adbreak and who cares anymore - the real winner of the night is Telstra. Carl is obviously given the boot, which we already know because TELSTRA TOLD US FIVE MINUTES AGO. He looks supremely depressed, which is the perfect mood for him to be in to sing us whatever song it was that he sang last night that people obviously didn't like enough to vote for him. Depression all round, including in camp Corby where it's raining tears.

Kyle wraps up the show with an insult to diggers everywhere by playing the last post on Carl's trumpet (so to speak), before saying "We'll miss you mate, we'll miss you so much". But Matt's THE BOMB, right Kyle?

And so we say farewell to Carl, the Trumpet Crumpet, and hello to a FULL ON, HARDCORE GAUCI V CORBY FINAL. Who will win the crown, and who will be destined to spend the rest of their on-screen career spuriking Clinkers? Only time will tell...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Audience Choice Night

Well we're on the home stretch now, kids! Nine down and three to go, and what better way to whittle the Idols down even further than with "Audience Choice Night", otherwise known as "Stalker Fans From Nowhere Fuck Up Everyone's Chances of Getting to the Opera House Night".

It's also clearly fancy dress night again, with Ken Doll and Monkey Boy coming as Mr White and Mr Red from Reservoir Dogs. Dicko has also joined in the fun by pulling another Achy Breaky shirt out of his seemingly endless collection of Billy Ray Cyrus themed attire.


Dicko sucks up to America again.


Tonight each of our remaining Idols has had a song chosen for them by a random fan from nowhere. Somehow it seems slightly unfair that a complete stranger who may or may not have any musical taste whatsoever should get to decide their favourite Idol's fate simply because they sent in 20 Pascall's wrappers or whatever it is they had to do. Then again it does make things so much more exciting, doesn't it! I sort of wish I'd entered now, so I could have made Matt Corby sing this:


And so we meet Chris the male nurse from Townsville, who clearly hates Natalie Gauci's guts as he's chosen Madonna's Ray of Light for her to sing.

Look - before we get into this, I should probably just state at the outset that the whole thing is a debacle. I mean really, it's a serious, SERIOUS dog's breakfast of the highest order. It's an absolute arse of a performance. I was going to link to the video for those of you who may have missed it, but on reflection I think it's probably better if you just watch this instead and go to your happy place.


Right, now that we're all relaxed and in happy otters-ville, let's take a look at Nat's performance.

Dressed in jeans and a zipper-front jumper, she looks like she's just gotten home from uni and is about to decide between chicken or beef Maggi noodles for dinner. As you may have guessed, it's a far from glamorous look. But all that is eclipsed when she starts singing. Screeching, actually.

"And I FEEEEEEEEEEEL like I just got home, and I FEEEEEEEEEELOOOOHHHHAAAAAAIIIIIYYYYYY!!!!!" she shrieks. The CEOs of the earplug companies that went out of business when Tarisai was voted off start dancing for joy and posting out their latest catalogues.

"Fuck, I just saw that dangly thing at the back of her throat," says my shocked Idol sidecar Raoul Duke.

Dear Chris from Townsville: Thanks a lot, loser. Regards, Natalie Gauci's former fans.

Holden makes the most obvious call he can, saying Natalie is a ray of light who has improved at the speed of light. Then he cracks a light beer and lights up a cigarette while spreading light Philadelphia on a light bulb. Then he says the song was "a half step too high" - pity she didn't bring along that ladder she used to climb on the piano the other week. Dicko brands her performance a bit dull, complains that she's reverted to being mundane and suburban, and then describes her as an "energy saving ray of light". So at least she's good for the environment. Kyle labels it a disaster that was way too high and "Probably the worst thing I've seen you do", while Marcia says a cryptic "Everything I spoke to you about you did". We can only assume then that Marcia told Natalie to awkwardly shriek off key for three minutes in a really boring outfit.

Moving on to Carl Risely, aka the Trumpet Crumpet, who is being forced to do James Morrisson's You Give Me Something by someone called Casey.

"It'll be interesting to see him sing something a bit different," she says before assigning Carl a cruisy, jazzy, romantic ballad to sing.

Carl rocks on stage in a white shirt with a big black panel on the front, which is oddly reminiscent of one of those 1980s tuxedo T shirts.

He cruises through the song without really trying too hard, singing off key for a bit before getting to the end, bouncing up and down and baring his teeth. It's like some kind of weird naval trumpeter mating ritual.

Dicko calls him Mr Entertainment and then says "collywobbles". I'm sure it was in context somehow but it's much funnier if we pretend he just randomly burst out with it. Holden brands Carl "really smart" - so watch out for the Channel 10 cross promotion when Carl stars on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. And PS Rove, it's YEAR FUCKING FIVE, not "5th Grade". I know you want to be Conan O'Brien but do you have to turn the rest of us American as well? Kyle tells Carl he's always of a "constant standard" and you know what you're going to get with him.

"Yeah, it's like putting a turd in a plastic bag," shrieks Raoul from the couch. I have no idea what this means.

"Australia, if you could get Matt Corby to sing whatever song you wanted, what would it be?" asks Ken Doll.

Hmm, what's the song that goes "My phone number is oh-four ohhhhh-woahhhhh one one..." ? There isn't one? Damn.

Some bird called Linda from Perth has chosen Matt's song this week, and she's picked Evermore's Too Late. Hmm. Not a bad choice, really.

Despite pulling a bit of a Ben Mackenzie on the vocals (remember him? I'm sure he wouldn't actually mind being pulled by Matt Corby), he sounds quite poppy and good. You could imagine him being somewhere in the Top 40 charts.

Clearly he's been taking didgeridoo or scuba diving lessons, as he seems to have perfected the technique of breathing out and in at the same time - he uses this to great effect in this performance by holding on to the end note of every line until the audience passes out from boredom.

"Ride onnnnnnnnn, ride 'til early morning sunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, it's too laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate..."

For about the seventh week in a row he's wearing those skin tight black jeans, which makes me think the poor buger is actually physically unable to take them off. They're clearly so damn tight they need to be surgically removed, and what with all the rehearsals and hanging out with sick kids and the hours he has to spend doing his hair every day, he just hasn't had time to get to the doctor. Poor guy. Maybe they could donate a portion of the funds raised through audience votes towards a "Get Matt out of his jeans fund" - I'm sure there'd be many people happy to donate to that.

Marcia enters herself in the "Most frequent use of the word 'incredibly' awards" by saying Matt's performance was "Incredibly good and incredibly exciting and incredibly well sung". Kyle declares Matt the best on the show, while Holden announces it was Matt's birthday this week and he's 17 now. FINALLY the boy is legal. The crowd launches into a spontaneous rendition of Happy Birthday, which actually sounds better than Natalie Gauci's performance. Dicko concludes the pat on the back festival by saying it was a perfect song.

DING! DING! Round two. Natalie's back to pick up the pieces of her shattered Idol career with Pink's Nobody Knows. How true that is - I don't know this song from shit.

But first we get to see a video of the photo shoot for Natalie's potential album cover. She looks pretty amazing, bless her.

"Her eyes, God, they just tear your head off," enthuses the photographer. The Idol confidence coaches might want to work on that - I can see it being a potential problem at concerts.

"Just thinking my face could be on an album, wow!" squeals Natalie. Don't worry dear, after tonight's performance there's no fear of that happening.

Back on stage and Nat's tried a bit harder with her second outfit of tight black pants, white shirt and black leather vest - even if she has just done a clotheswap with Matt Corby. Still, after her first fiasco we needed a showstopper song and this really isn't it.

"Nobody knows, nobody cares," she sings. Truer words were never spoken.

Kyle declares it "much, much better", despite her wearing "chicken looking shoes". I concur that the shoes are totally tragic, but I'm not sure where the chicken reference comes in. Even if chickens wore shoes, they'd steer clear of fashion abominations like these. Holden calls it "a cracking performance", as opposed to a crack whore performance. Dicko says she really pulled a rabbit out of her jacksy. I must have missed that bit. And just quietly, I think that on a family show "hat" might have been a more appropriate word to use there. She pulled a HAT out of her jacksy. Jeez, Dicko.

Moving back to Carl again, who has joined in the dress up party and come as Jacob Butler.


Everyone wants to be just like Jacob.


He's chosen to do Stevie Wonder's For Once in My Life - normally that means I'd put the Stevie Wonder count up by one, but I'm blogging from Raoul's place tonight and I don't have the image file on me. So you'll just have to imagine it.

As with Natalie we get to see a short video on "the making of" Carl's potential bin liner album cover, in which it is revealed that he is overly sensitive to light. It's all the photographer can do to get a shot where he's not squinting, shielding his eyes, or cowering in the corner screaming "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" Is Carl a vampire? Who cares, let's start that rumour anyway.

Of course there are the ubiquitous photos of Carl farting about with his trumpet, including one rather fetching shot of him in a yellow trenchcoat haning around Sydney Harbour. Not sure if they were intentionally going for the "dirty old perve" look there but they succeeded, so well done.

"Carl Risely Blows, that should be the title of his album," quips Raoul.

As it turns out, that would be quite an appropriate title - this is a very weak performance that's barely half a step up from karaoke.

"For once in my life I have someone who neeeds.... who neeeeeeds..." he sings.

"Singing lessons," finishes Raoul.

Holden tells Carl his vocal chops are not where he wants them to be, which is on the Idol backstage bbq where they belong. Dicko says "tonight is do or die" for about the five millionth time this evening, before saying he expected more from all the Idols tonight. "For someone who’s on E, you were going through the motions, I’m afraid," he says. Pardon? Carl is on E and he's still lacking energy? Maybe he should switch to Bindeez. Kyle tells him he needs to learn some Justin Timberlake dance moves, at which point Carl promptly spins around, almost falls over, and ultimately demonstrates why that's actually a really bad idea.

Finally we get to our last performance for the evening, Matt Corby with The Beatles' Across the Universe, a song that everyone across the universe is thoroughly sick of.

But first, the photo shoot. The photographer mentions how he's trying to capture Matt's "fashion sense", while SONY BMG reps stand in the background wailing "Nooooooooooooooo!" Sadly the Lego shirt does not make a reappearance, although we do get to see footage of Matt getting undressed in the back of a car. Come to think of it, THAT should really be the album cover.

They clearly haven't been able to get a locum out to remove those black jeans during the adbreak as he's still in them, plus a black shirt and black fedora. He looks like a funky cat burglar. He sits on a stool to deliver this high energy, showstopper song. It sounds quite nice but djka%^&$6tdf5d6w567&^%. Whoops, sorry! I think my head hit the keyboard there. It's ok, I'm awake now.

Dicko says Matt's gone from a member of the Bolshoi ballet to a Peter Doherty tribute band in one evening. Still not as good as our magician Natalie, who can apparently pull small forest animals out of her nether regions. Then he tells Matt to make sure he can walk before he runs - although in those jeans it's doubtful he could do either. Marcia says he's "bulletproof" - Christ, he can sing, he's good looking, and now he's a superhero too. Is there anything this kid can't do? Kyle labels him a "straighty 180" and basically outs him as a virgin on national TV. Guess all those after show orgies backstage weren't as spicy as we thought they were. Then he says Matt is the "best we've got" - so everyone else can basically get fucked.

Well there you have it kids, our final three. What an exciting bunch. Marcia, how would you sum up the situation?

"You are the top three."

Well said.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Australian Idol 07 wrap up: Swing Night RESULTS

I was planning to sneakily skip writing about Monday night's results show, as I (believe it or not) didn't watch it. Such was my confidence in Marty being voted off that I decided to forego my Monday night Idol ritual in favour of attending the premiere of the new Elizabeth film with Cate Blanchett. Ok, I didn't GO with Cate Blanchett, I meant... never mind.

In any case, my summary of the film is thus: There is but one good reason to see it.


And yea verrily, the reason is Clive.


However it seems that you lot have been coming here in droves expecting to read a Monday night wrap up, so I've had a look at the videos on the Idol website and I must say - I'm a bit miffed I missed what appears to have been a cracker of an episode. I actually laughed out loud at least five times watching the video playback. Typical.

Anyway, in QUICKNEWS format:

  • Kyle proves Marcia and Holden aren't the only judges who can't sing by having a crack at Just a Gigolo. Resident cowboy Dicko strengthens his resolve to do Achy Breaky Heart next week.


  • Actually, if i'm being honest, Kyle was probably better than half of the top 24.


  • He was at least better than Brianna Carpenter.


  • There's an extended debate about Matt Corby's alien Elvis/Hasidic Jew hairstyle, in which Dicko declares Matt to look like his aunty Brenda, and Dicko's daughter Edie declares Dicko to be jealous, which leads to this hilarious bit of Photoshopping:


    So hot right now.


  • The Idols visit some school somewhere, and predictably enough sing Robbie & Kylie's Kids, despite several of them still actually being in school themselves.


  • There's a tragic group performance of I Saw Her Standing There - SWING STYLE! Cos you can never have enough swing. Actually yes, yes you can. And we have. So has Marty it seems, who barely makes it through the one line he has to sing.


  • There's a particularly weird moment when Natalie spontaneously changes the lyrics to "And my heart went boom when I saw that room" - is IKEA sponsoring this bit then?


  • Carl and Marty hit the bottom two, OH MY GOD, NOT ON SWING NIGHT, NOT CARL! But not to worry, it's Marty's time to get the boot. AND NOT BEFORE TIME EITHER.


  • Everyone looks shocked - SHOCKED THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN WEEKS AGO.


  • Everyone looks sad - SAD WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM SING LIGHT MY FIRE AGAIN.


And there you have it kids. Aggro Q. Eyebrows is gone - who will be next on the chopping block? Most are calling a Mattalie final, but I wouldn't quite discount Mr Schwing yet...

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Australian Idol 07 Wrap Up: Swing Night

So here we are - eight down and four to go, and it's already time for "Swing Night".


Oooh, kinky!


No, not SWINGERS night - that's what happens every Sunday at 9pm at Holden's house. I said SWING night, otherwise known as "Jazz night", the "Free kick to Carl Risely night" or the "Anyone with a half decent voice can sing this shit night".

It's also traditionally the night that all the boys get dressed up in Oceans 11 style suits and pretend to be George Clooney for an hour - Holden has obliged by throwing on his renta-tux from the ARIAs (might as well get your money's worth, right?) and flipping up his shirt collar to give it a modern, youthful edge (and to prove that he tied a REAL tie, not one of those cheater's elastic ones).

Meanwhile, Dicko has intelligently decided that the most appropriate outfit for an evening celebrating jazz and swing music is a wild west cowboy shirt with two giant arrows demonstrating the position of his nipples. Maybe it IS swingers' night...

"I frigging hate big band," spews Kyle.

"It's probably a good night for Carl, but we don't need it, it's a waste of time."

Hear, bloody hear. We're down to the final four now, we want to see some BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS, not Buble, swing and jazz.

Speaking of Buble, first up is Carl "Boogie woogie Buble boy" Risely with a rendition of Me and Mrs Jones. Or actually, the Michael Buble version of Me and Mrs Jones. Michael Buble? What a grand idea! Why hasn't Carl done more songs by him this series?

Carl rocks up on stage with his shirt open and his tie undone - jeez Carl, why don't you make yourself at home? It's his best George-Clooney-in-Ocean's-11-post-several-martinis look. Or actually, his best Mark-Holden-at-the-ARIAs-post-several-ginger-beers look. Sadly the four inches of neck flesh he's showing is the most exciting part of this performance, which is more big BLAND than big BAND. Still, while it's as boring as Buble on valium, it's still a fairly solid performance. And talk about surprising - who knew Carl could sing jazz? Apparently he can play the trumpet too! So many hidden talents, he should really capitalise on this stuff.

Holden says a lot of ladies got off on his lyric. And he should know all about that, after all, he once sizzled all the ladies' shemizzles with those sexy lyrics about a white sport coat and a red carnation. Dicko says he was concerned about Carl doing a ballad, but he didn't drop a banana skin and fall on his face, so it was awesome. Mm I agree - that bit of choreography just would NOT have worked. Kyle says it was really romantic and he's with Dicko.


Yep,it seems I was right the first time.


Moving on to Marty "My eyebrows have more stage presence than I do" Simpson, who admits he's never heard of big band before or listened to any big band songs. As it turns out, big band, along with much of the rest of the country, has never heard of Marty before either, so the disregard is mutual.

"You're going to see me swing as much as I can," says Marty , which doesn't do much to fill anyone with confidence. Particularly when he announces he's singing Dave Matthews Band's American Baby.

Apart from the fact that I absolutely detest Dave Matthews Band with every fibre of my being, it's actually not a terrible performance. Its connection to big band and swing is about as tenuous as Britney Spears' connection to good taste, but it's alright.

Dicko does a grand impression of Waldorf from The Muppet Show by calling Marty a fish out of water, then saying he didn't expect him to excel, and it was bizarrely uncomforable to watch, and he thought it would fall apart but it never did and it was strangely engaging, and actually he really loved it. Marcia is less enthusiastic with a resoundingly positive "At least you're trying", while Kyle comes straight out and brands the whole performance "ridiculous".

"I don't know why you just didn't sing 'doo bee doo bee doo'," says Holden, making about as much sense as usual.

Although come to think of it, that actually WOULD have been more entertaining.

On to Matt "Check my new haircut" Corby, who has dressed up as an alien Elvis to deliver Carl Risely's Michael Buble's version of How Sweet It Is.

His 1950s style metallic jacket, skinny tie and Elvis hairdo are so bizarre they're even enough to distract me from playing "pin the nipple on Dicko" for a few minutes.

"I wanna stop... and get a haircut..." sings my Idol sidecar Raoul Duke.

One GOOD point about the strange hairdo - and my inner nanna is coming out when I say this - it's finally got that bloody awful fringe out of his face. GOODNESS he looks a damn sight better without all that HAIR in his face. Now I've got that out of system I'll have another shortbread biscuit and plough on.

Marcia's inner nanna clearly agrees with me, as she yells "That's what I'm talkin' 'BOUT!" Kyle demands to know what happened to Matt's "lego hair". No one demands to know what happened to Matt's "lego shirt".


Holden steals my joke by saying Matt looks like a hasidic Elvis, forcing me to say Matt looks like an alien Elvis, and thousands of young schoolgirls to wonder how Holden knows what Matt's pH level is in the first place.

Our final performer for the evening is Natalie "I'm gonna win this thing, you see if I don't" Gauci with Natalie Cole's version of Orange Coloured Sky.

Once again she's smiley and charming and gorgeous, although she unfortunately happens to have been poured into a dress that someone has fashioned from a deconstructed bee costume.

"Crazh! Bam! Alacazam!" she trills, punching her first triumphantly into the air.

Er... Natalie, I've got just two words for you.


Julia Roberts.


Ok so maybe it wasn't THAT bad. But seriously, forget Head and Shoulders. Idol needs to do a contra deal with Gilette.

Dr Kyle gets out his stethoscope and diagnoses Natalie as suffering from "Clothesorexia". Ten bucks says you see this word on the cover of the next Cosmo/Marie Claire/Madison. Then he brands the outfit "disgusting". A bit harsh, but maybe he's got something against bees. Holden does the obvious by yelling "Wham bam, thank you ma'am!" while Dicko labels her "playful, naughty, and very, very sexy". Then he mentions 24 carrots, which is possibly all Natalie has eaten this week in order to squeeze into this bee outfit.

Back to square one - that's right, they're each doing TWO performances this week. Yes, TWO lots of swing for each Idol. That's EIGHT whole doses of swing in the one hour. Nursing homes around the country must be in overdrive right now.

Carl's reached into his ever decreasing bag of unsurprising tricks and pulled out a Harry Connick Jr song, Just Kiss Me. We all wait for the inevitable announcement that it will be the Michel Buble version, but sadly it seems Carl's opted to do the original. OH MY GOD, HOW WILL AUSTRALIA COPE?

Not well, it seems - this is a mess. It's so fast, and there are so many lyrics, it's like being lectured by an overly musical ice addict.

The brass bangs its way into our brains as Carl starts slurring "Rrrrrippit! Rippit!" Ribbit? What is this, a Kermit impression? I thought John Foreman was the only one who did that around here.

"Come onnn CARL!" yells the band, in a totally spontaneous bit of unscripted wackiness. Sigh. If Carl's going to pull this shit every week Idol's going to turn into Blanketty Blanks before we even get to the Opera House.

Holden calls him "Mr Entertainment", Dicko commends him on his hair, and Kyle slags off the band.

Let's move on to the next trainwreck, Marty Simpson, who's bought a one-way ticket to Crashandburnsville by electing to do The Doors' Light My Fire, swing style. This immediately takes everyone back to 1996 when it was mandatory to own at least one compilation CD titled something along the lines of Ultimate Lounge, Loungadelica, Loungeapalooza or Cocktail Shake-Up!, which featured "cool" 1960s hotel lobby versions of rock songs. It also takes everyone back to the beginning of this year's Idol finals, when it was mandatory for Carl Risely to take every possible theme night and turn it into swing night.

This performance is dire, there's no getting around it. It's terrible. Marty basically takes Jim Morrison's cold, dead corpse, chucks it in a martini glass and sticks a coloured umbrella in his ear. Needless to say it's not a great look. Speaking of looks, I do have to admit that Marty is getting rather more attractive every week. Sadly this seems to have had some odd mathematical effect on his singing ability - obviously his sexual appeal is inversely proportional to his ability to sing a song without sounding like a nob. Oh well, swings and roundabouts I guess.

Dicko enters the biggest understatement of the year award by saying Marty didn't really enter into the spirit of big band night, before nailing the performance right on the head with this piece of constructive criticism: "It was awkward, laboured and largely pointless."

"But having said that," says Marcia, experiencing a glitch in the Matrix and reverting to last week, when she also forgot that it was Dicko that said that, not her.

"You've made a new genre," says Kyle, neglecting to point out that the name of this new genre sounds a lot like "shite".

"That was like trying to light a fire with a wet match," says Holden, making the most sense he's made all night.

Matt Corby's up next, with Beyond the Sea. Well SOMEONE had to do it, I guess.

He's wearing braces over a white shirt, which is very Oceans 11. I approve. Although as Ken Doll points out later, they're completely useless, as his pants are tighter than Tarisai's jeans after washing day.

He seems to have gotten his mojo back from wherever it went last week, and he's showing off his charisma once again. Not to mention his new Barry White-esque lower register - since when has Matt Corby been able to sing that low? He should get extra points for pulling that off in those tight pants, too.

Marcia channels Destiny's Child circa Charlie's Angels and says "Question!" I have no idea what she said after that, I was too distracted by Matt's forehead, which is making its stunning debut this evening. Holden praises him for bringing his "own laid back style to the genre" - as opposed to the high energy punk style of Bobby Darin's original. Kyle says something, Dicko says something else, who cares, pop the rest of your heart medication love and let's sail on into the final performance by Natalie Gauci, with Ella Fitzgerald's How High the Moon.

Praise the lord, she's dropped the bee tuxedo dress in favour of an utterly fabulous red cocktail number, with a super tight bodice with a plunging neckline and a ruffled skirt. Red lips complete the look, which has VA VA VA VOOM written all over it. Yeeeow! I never thought I'd say this, but - SNAPS TO SHERIDAN TYLER.

"I didn't know she had breasts before," gasps Raoul, clearly smitten by the new Natalie. When she gets it right, the girl gets it right.

It's a superb performance, a perfect song for Natalie and she sounds a million dollars - she even scats in the middle, and it sounds fabulous. No, really. No, HONESTLY, the girl scats good. Where has this Natalie come from? I DON'T CARE, I LOVE HER.

Kyle says he gets a vibe from Natalie's dress that Christmas is coming, and he needs to put the presents under the tree. No one is sure whether he's giving her a compliment, or if he's genuinely just remembered that he needs to do his Christmas shopping. Holden picks his jaw up off the floor and starts yabbering about how Natalie moves through the beats, in front of them, behind them, on top of them UNDERNEATH THEM OH GOD YES! YES! YESSSSSSS! TOUCHDOWWWWWWN! Dicko finishes up by saying Natalie revealed her major star this evening - I blame the split in the front of the bee dress.

And so concludes another night of G rated family fun from our final four. Any final words from our judges?

Kyle: "I might be slightly bent."

Indeed. See you tomorrow night, kids - my money's on Marty to get the boot.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Pointless television shows #224: 'Friday Night Download'

"Hey boss, we need to do something about our Friday night program line-up. It's just not attracting that lucrative youth demographic anymore."

"Hmm, I suppose all the young people go out on Friday nights and play Twister or knucklebones, do they? Hmmm. Well, what do young people LIKE?"

"Twister? Knucklebones?"

"No no, we need something MODERN and EXCITING. Come on, think!"

"Erm... the internet?"

"GREAT IDEA! Take all the cool videos off the internet that everyone's seen a million times already because people keep forwarding them the same fucking emails at work, and patch them together into a show. Then get three totally inane people to host it and throw in some canned laughter. RIPPER! I'm off to play Twister."

And thus Friday Night Download was born.

Did it ever occur to Channel 10 that the only people sitting around at home at 7.30 on a Friday night are a) old people, who can't stand Fitzy's dreadful accent or Bree's hyper enthusiasm and who certainly don't give a shit about the internet, and b) nerds with no lives who spend all their time on the internet and thus have already seen all these videos anyway?

These are some of the HILARIOUS, WACKY, TOTALLY CRAZY internet vids they showed off on the first episode. Hands up who HASN'T yet seen:

  • The folding Bangkok market on the train tracks


  • The Dove viral campaign


  • The Dove viral campaign parody


  • That Japanese toilet training video


  • That guy catching his sunglasses on his face


  • Little Superstar


EXCUSE ME, BUT IF I WANTED TO SEE A VIDEO OF A BREAKDANCING INDIAN MIDGET I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN A TIME MACHINE AND GONE BACK TO BLAND CANYON A WHOLE FRICKIN YEAR AGO.


THEY HAVE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET NOW? Oh hang on, of course they do. Actually, some of those videos have been forwarded to me even more times than this fucking "surprised monkey" photo.


They even showed the Chris Crocker Britney Spears video - I mean COME ON! Even my grandpa's seen that one, and he still uses dialup.

It's likely this show is going to go gentle into that good night and no one will even notice, but I propose that if they're going to get axed, they might as well go out with a bang and show the video from two girls one cup dot com.*

*PetStarr recommends you never, under any circumstances, visit this site ever, ever, EVER. And if you must, CERTAINLY not at work. Or on a full stomach.