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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Incredible Inedibles: Bourbon flavoured turdy stumps

Ah, the Japanese. When they're not jumping through holes in the wall for prizes, using strange devices to make their mouths bigger or inventing weird shit:

 
Both of these handy gadgets prevent you from becoming pregnant


they're coming up with strange and wonderful ways to reshape foodstuffs into unappetising objects.

To wit:


What is this? I'm stumped.


Humankind has already turned chocolate into rabbits, bilbies, bells, balls and Jesus, so the next logical step was obviously to mould it into the shape of a tree stump with a big turd on top.


And it's BITTER!


I think it's safe to say the only reason I actually bought this curiously inedible looking item was the promise of BOURBON advertised on the packet. If one is to eat a turdy tree stump, thought I, then hard liquor might actually be a necessity.

Sadly, after eating half the packet and not feeling even a WEE bit tipsy (if you'll pardon the pun) I realised BOURBON was, in fact, the name of the manufacturer and not an ingredient. Suddenly it all became clear - only a company named after an intoxicant would come up with a snack as mental as this. They've probably got whiskey in all the company water coolers and toilets that alternately flush scotch and gin, and the permanently drunk board of directors comes up with snack ideas like wasabi flavoured jelly beans and fritz and apricot muffins and turd-topped chocolate tree stumps.

Speaking of which: what were they like? Much better than you'd expect a bunch of drunks to make, that's for sure. Perhaps they don't allow alcohol on the factory floor. The stump is creamy and bitter (THAT part of the packet was on the money at least) and the turd is nice and crispy (it's obviously been out in the sun a while).

In short: All snack companies should provide their workers with unlimited free alcohol. And make them wear this uniform: