OH MOY GOURD what a week it's been in fashion land, BCites, what a WEEK it's been.
First everyone's favourite geezer gets hauled up on domestic assault charges (thank goodness it's not anything more Bill Henson-esque, right? THAT would have been embarrassing after his little ANTM tea party with Demelza and Alyce, wouldn't it?), then the lovely Jayson Brunsdon designs a frilly nightmare for Miss Australia and promptly gets cancer.
Then Givenchy declared thalidomide the new "must-have" accessory on the front page of its website (HINT: check the brunette model's limbs.)
And then a size 16 teenager from Perth hit the media and opened up an intelligent discourse about extra thin models and normal sized girls and weight issues and made us all think twice about our prejudices before setting us all back to square one again by saying "The big girls I know are really, really nice because you've got to have good personalities for people to like you." Because no one could possibly like a big girl otherwise, RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?
And of course, the ANTM modelettes hit the bright lights of the Big Apple and still manage to make the most boring episode ever. But more on that later.
First we have to endure the obligatory flashback to last week's eviction, when Jodhello cut the fat and told Caris she was the biggest loser. Or was it the weakest link?
"I was upset but it wasn't my time to be upset, it was all about Caris going home and I didn't want to take any of that away from her," says the always thoughtful Alex. So nice of her not to take anything away from Caris' potentially Oscar-winning moment of tragedy and woe.
"You're going... to... ... ... ... ..." (everyone checks their watches to see if it's still 2008) "... ... ... ... THE BIG APPLE!" shrieks Jodhello, and then realises Samantha is in the room and clarifies: "NEW YORK!"
This sends Alex, Samantha and Demelza into an impromptu group impression of Alex's photo shoot from last week:
I just wanted to use this picture again
before they all say a quick goodbye to the model mansion and emerge, via some handy montages, in New York.
"OH MY GOSH A YELLOW TAXI!" shrieks Demelza, pointing out the window.
"OH MY GOSH A BIG COW!" shrieks Alex, pointing at Demelza, just for old times' sake.
"OH MY GOSH THEY DRIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE HERE!" shrieks Samantha. Wait til she finds out they speak American.
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING STATUE OF LIBERTY BROOKLYN BRIDGE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING STATUE OF LIBERTY SKYLINE SKYLINE SKYLINE. (The producers might have paid a lot of money to bring this show to New York, that doesn't mean they've got any left to actually DO anything while they're there, right? So they're going to show you establishing shots until you PUKE, GOD DAMMIT, and you're going to LIKE IT).
After approximately five and a half hours of driving around Brooklyn pointing out yellow taxis and how they're STILL driving on the right, the girls finally turn up at their hotel, THE ALEX. Tall, stony, hard and partially constructed of man made substances - yep, sounds rather aptly named to me.
One of these is lauded for its beautiful and unconventional design. Guess which one.
The next three minutes are filled with the girls standing on their penthouse balcony and expressing amazement that they can look down on the street ("AND LOOK! A YELLOW TAXI!") before Demelza gets her priorities straight and runs inside to put dibs on the only double bed. Sam's like, annoyed, because Demelza is like, a bit of a princess and that, but she doesn't really mind cos like, she's got dibs on the king sized bed in the other room and Alex has to sleep in the single bed, nyer nyer.
Tell me if this is getting boring, won't you? WE'RE IN NEW YORK, WOO! BEDS AND TAXIS, WOO!
"I like Sam, but I wouldn't want to share a room with her. I'm scared of her sometimes," says Demelza.
Is this why, Demelza? It's this, isn't it? Is it?
Some more boring crap happens and all of a sudden it's the crack of dawn and a gloved hand is opening the door to their apartment and OH MY GOD, THEY'RE BEING BROKEN INTO ALREADY. THEY'VE BEEN IN NEW YORK FOR LESS THAN 24 HOURS AND ALREADY THEIR APARTMENT IS BEING BROKEN INTO. My GOD the CRIME RATE in that city is just... oh wait, it's just Jodhello.
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING YELLOW TAXI BUSTLING STREET SCENE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING SKYLINE SKYLINE SKYLINE.
Jodhello and the modelettes put on their thermal underwear, two pairs of jeans, three t shirts, five jumpers, two scarves, a few blankets and 62 pairs of socks each to go and sit in the freezing cold and have breakfast on their balcony with the Chrysler Building in the background. Did I mention they were in New York?
"This is serious, this is New York!" booms Jodhello, just in case you missed all the gratuitous shots of the Statue of Liberty earlier.
"You'll be going to see some agents today. AGENTS AGENTS AGENTS. NEW YORK. ALICE BURDEU NEW YORK, NEW YORK!"
All the girls rush off to get dressed, while Alex pays tribute to dearly eliminated Alamela by practising her best robot face to impress the New York agents.
BUSTLING CITY STREETS. NEW YORK. BUILDINGS - NOT EVEN ONES YOU KNOW! NEW YORK IS LIKE THAT, IT'S SO HUGE! NEW YORK NEW YORK. STREET SIGNS.
"I think I have the best portfolio," slags
J'aime Demelza, as she looks over her photos from the past nine weeks while buffing her talons and sharpening her canines. Luckily she remembers to act coy and cute again straight away, by holding up a beauty shot and shrieking "HOW UGLY! GO AWAY YOU MINGER! Look how HIDEOUS that is!" in a completely sincere and believeable fashion. When she discovers the photo is actually of her, not Alex, she is devastated.
They all rock up at Marilyn agency, which is run by an ewok - no sorry, a guy called Kwok - and which they have no hope of ever getting into as they only take 10 girls a year. And because the ewok hates them all.
"The first time the girls came in I definitely noticed Demelle," blathers Ewok, who may or may not be talking about a completely different group of girls.
Apparently this "Demelle" is tall and cute with great skin (hmm, maybe the producers should grab her, she sounds heaps better than the three we've been stuck with) but on the down side she's a bit young with boring photographs.
"I can see potential with Demelle, but in photograph it was forgettable. I don't remember," continues Ewok, before adding "HOW UGLY, GO AWAY YOU MINGER!"
Samantha confuses her agency interview for an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway and conducts her entire interview in questions: "I'm 20 years old? And I'm a university student? I'm studying business and commerce?" Confident and happy, she settles back and waits for the hoe-down challenge.
"I thought Sam's photos were beautiful - I love the way people re-touch her," says Ewok in what could be QUOTE OF THE SEASON.
Kwok say: Photoshop fix everything. Even eyebrows.
Sadly, a girl with bushy eyebrows and bags under her eyes that can only speak in questions isn't exactly what Ewok's after. He moves on to The Alex Building, and despite looking like a cross between Labyrinth David Bowie and the new, fifth Denim Wiggle, she manages to be the only model to impress the Ewok by looking "fashion".
After five minutes of thrilling television they all move down the street to a government nursing home, where Jodhello has promised all the pensioners a catwalk show. They're not all happy about it, particularly not this man who hasn't had a cup of tea since 8am and didn't get any jelly at the lunch service:
"WHERE'S MY JELLY?"
Whoops, sorry, they're actually at MC2 modelling agency and this man is the director. He's also called Pink, so I'm not sure which story he'd prefer I stick to, actually.
"We're looking for strong, confident, beautiful women between the ages of 16 to 22," says Pink, which coincidentally is the exact same manifesto of 95% of men on adultmatchmaker.com.au (if you replace the words "strong" and "confident" with "easy" and "alive").
He introduces us to requisite sleazy French dude Jean Luc, who craps on about how he discovered Christy Turlington and Elle Macpherson and "Sara Ho Hare".
This be Sara Ho Hair, a-ight? Fo' shiznit.
"I don't like ze eyes, zere are nearly no eyelids," snaps Jean Luc, adding yet another dot point to the ever growing list of scary facial attributes Alex has.
Alex is told she'll never make it, and Sam is declared a "catalogue model", which basically means she can go live in a remote outback community and farm dirt for all the fashion world cares, but that's nothing compared to the ruckus kicked up when it is revealed that Demelza has 36 inch hips.
"Zat 36 is going to haunt you," snarls Jean Luc, with what looks like a slight smile. He couldn't be more French if he was eating a beret sandwich on the back of a bicycle.
"36? She's 36?" says Pink in amazement.
"DID YOU SAY 36?" gasps the receptionist as a shocked mailman trips over a box of parcels in the hall and random admin staff start throwing themselves out of the window shouting "THIRTYYYY SIIIIIIIX!"
"OH NO, NOT 36!!".
"I think that she has to lose weight - A LOT of weight. She has horrible, horrible legs," says Pink, who obviously is an oil painting himself and so allowed to say these things.
TIMES SQUARE YELLOW TAXIS MORE TAXIS WOW EVEN MORE TAXIS JEEZ THERE ARE A LOT OF TAXIS IN NEW YORK AREN'T THERE BUSTLING STREETS.
Then it's off to Elite, which apparently takes only "the cream" of models. Hey, Demelza EATS a lot of cream, will that be ok?
Elite in a can.
They love Alex, think Samantha has a body from heaven and Demelza has "fleshy arms" but is "achingly beautiful", which probably explains why she's been such a pain in the arse this whole series.
In the end they decide the best solution is to create a hybrid model of Alex's personality, Sam's body and Demelza's face, which would apparently be a supermodel force to be reckoned with, so it's off to the lab they go, scalpels in hand!
Meanwhile, a hybrid model of Samantha's mouth, Demelza's eyes and Alex's nose would be deemed a national tragedy.
YELLOW TAXIS STREET SCENES COOL NEW YORK KIDS WITH STUDS IN THEIR FACES YELLOW TAXI.
"One should either be a work of art or wear a work of art," reads Sam from the next morning's Jodhi mail.
"MAYBE WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ARTY?" she guesses. She's smart, is our Sam.
YELLOW TAXIS BUSTLING STREETS BROADWAY SOHO TAXIS TAXIS FUCKING TAXIS.
The modelettes pack off to a gallery in Soho and, sensing an impending eviction, grab a hostage along the way:
"EVICT US AND THE GIRL GETS IT."
There they meet Jodhello and an "incredible designer" she pretends to be best friends with called Malan Breton (not MILAN, Jodhello, take note...) which you may know as THAT GUY OFF PROJECT RUNWAY WOT LOOKS LIKE EDDIE MUNSTER AND HAS A FUNNY LAUGH AND THAT.
This is what's known in the trade as a "cross promotion".
He announces he's going to be showing a retrospective of his work, which should be exciting given his label was launched all of four years ago, and immediately slaps a giant chicken on Demelza's head while asking her to "feel the outfit".
What was that Dawson said last week about looking like you've come out of a chook's bum?
Malan in a museum challenge in a nutshell:
- Samantha slinks out in a slanty fedora and a silk shirt and manages to look like Bogart AND Bacall at the same time.
- Alex has some high heel "issues", which results in her limping down the catwalk looking like a vampire with bunions.
- Australia's most fashionable Skeletor impersonator Alice Burdeu makes an appearance, disses Alex, looks a vision of skeletal gorgeousness.
- Malan opts not to call Demelza fat, instead labelling her "a real woman" which, given she's 16 and has 36 inch hips is a) laughable and b) ridiculous.
- The theory that Alex actually HAS bunions gathers weight as she throws on a blue velour dressing gown and limps down the runway like nanna on her way to feed the cat.
- Demelza gets to dress up as a chicken, a Christmas tree and a pear - oh no wait, that's just a green dress. I THOUGHT she was supposed to be a pear, you know, BECAUSE OF HER 36 INCH HIPS.
After the show Alice graces the scrags with her presence once again, this time to drop some sort of advice like "Don't forget to brush your teeth" or "You can often find spare change in between the couch cushions if you look hard enough" or something like that, and Jodhello sends them all off to bed in preparation for their "first proper international photo shoot" the next day. So... Fiji's a part of Australia now, is it? Goody, Jetstar should be flying there soon.
TAXIS TAXIS PRETZEL STAND STREET SIGN DO YOU THINK THEY GOT ALL OF THESE SHOTS IN ONE 15 MINUTE SHOOT YEP I THINK SO TOO TAXIS TAXIS HOT DOG STAND.
Nex thing you know they're in Napoleon Perdis' apartment, and no, it's not a dream. For some reason he's wearing a leather jacket with FREE TIBET emblazoned across the back and some horrific plastic track pants that were probably made in China. How very confusing. The top half says "I'm political and stylish, and I'm going to drink fair trade coffee while rocking out to Three Doors Down on my iPod" while the bottom half says "OI, I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WIV MY GIRLFRIEND, MARIO - I'M GARN TO HANG AT KFC".
A big gay black stylist throws some clothes at them and they all prance about for a bit. Sam twirls around in a Balenciaga coat like she's recreating the opening sequence to the Mary Tyler Moore show, while Alex bitches about how she just "doesn't understand the Balenciaga woman" - not like you understood those high heels before, eh Alex?
"There's nothing that compares to wearing Gucci and Balenciaga and Lanvin," mews Demelza, who by the way is A 16 YEAR OLD SCHOOL STUDENT. Wear that stuff to PE, do you dear?
For the second year in a row Napoleon proves himself to be the human equivalent of truth serum by getting the girls to say outrageous things about each other by languidly waving the hint of a suggestion in their faces (not to mention a hint of lipstick). Forget the green pen, give Napoleon a blusher brush and he's a better interviewer than Kerry O'Brien.
NAPOLEON: "Do you think Sam is smart?"
NAPOLEON: "Not as smart as Alex?"
DEMELZA: "Um... yes..."
NAPOLEON: "So you think Sam is a little bit more dumb?"
DEMELZA: "Sam still has confidence issues, I think..."
SAM: "NO I DON'T!"
Make-upped and haired, the girls hit the street and get to work. And after a few hours when they've raised enough money for the subway fare they ride to Chinatown for the photo shoot.
First proper international photo shoot in a nutshell:
- Alex lopes out in an Abraham Lincoln hat and an off-the-shoulder frilly thing that looks like it may have been constructed using three-ply and Clag, and is still almost outshone by the BIG YELLOW TAXI she's forced to continously get in and out of. (Seriously, is the NYC taxi board a sponsor this week or something?)
- Demelza's brief - leaning against a BIG YELLOW TAXI in a pair of be-pom-pommed platforms she's stolen from a passing muppet - proves too complex for her and she's taken off the job to swap outfits.
- The question of which muppet Demelza may have stolen her shoes from is answered when Sam comes out looking like Sesame Street crossed with Bettina from 1970s Play School.
- Sam is told to laugh and smile, and for the first time ever in a photo shoot, can't. Except when she's finished, and realises she did a bad job. Then she laughs. And smiles. And cries. Girl's got ISS-UES>
After the shoot the girls get a day to be tourists, which is about as exciting for the home viewer as it sounds. If you've ever looked through someone's happy snaps from their recent trip to New York, you've seen the next five minutes of television. To break it down for you:
SQUIRRELS MAN DRESSED UP AS STATUE OF LIBERTY SHOPS SHOPS SHOPS HOT DOGS HORSE AND CARRIAGE ROUND CENTRAL PARK TIMES SQUARE.
Clearly NYC cops haven't got much to do since 9-11, as one of them is waiting in Times Square to give the girls a Jodhi Mail. America's finest, don't you know. Sadly he doesn't hold out his badge and yell "FREEZE, MOTHER F*CKERS, ON THE GROUND!" first, but oh well.
Surprise, surprise, it's an elimination letter - next thing you know the girls are back in Sydney at the eliminaton warehouse, where there are no yellow taxis to speak of, hurrah!
"I have more of a chance of making it through than not making it through, based on how many girls there are," says Alex, who has obviously dropped the Kafka for Advanced Mathematics Vol 3.
"10 weeks ago 13 girls stood before me, but now there are three. Two of you will make it through, and only one of you will win, ee-i ee-i ee-i o," says Jodhello, who has just started Counting Fun with Old Macdonald.
Each of the three modelettes (that's two plus one) (or four take one, depending on what chapter you're up to) spouts off some crap about why they should be Australia's Next Top Model. Alex says she's independent and smart, Sam says she just wants it, and Demelza says she should win because she's done everything on her own. As opposed to all the other models who've had stand-ins up until now.
"At this stage of the competition I feel like I've already won. And that's why I should win," says Demelza. Hmm. I don't THINK that's how that "I feel like I've already won" phrase works, darling, want to try again?
Anyway, enough of this boring talkfest, let's on to the picture bitch:
- Demelza's little face looks angry, angular and hard. In contrast, her shoes looks fluffy, pink and muppetlike!
- Alex looks like Abraham Lincoln in drag trying to car jack a taxi driver. The judges call it "fashion" which, as we all know, means "stupid".
- Sam is declared "easy to shoot" - especially when she wears those platform heels and she can't run away as fast.
- The judges are torn on who to boot, so clearly the only way to decide who gets eliminated is to go by current outfits:
Nope, that's too hard as well. Although Alex is definitely a front runner.
Turns out Alex's 1982 stone wash denim mini skirt with triangle cut out hem and gigantic belt isn't enough to turn the judges off - she's the first one through to the final.
And so we're down to two: Demelza "36 inches" and Sam "Call me 'dark horse' one more f*cking time and I'll top you". Click clack goes the clipboard and the deed is done - it's goodbye and don't play it again, Sam. Well, that makes sense - she did have the best body in the competition.
Now don't cry too hard luvvies, but next week's wrap up will be late. Very late. In fact, I might not even get around to posting one at all. You see, I'm going to be hanging out with Dawson, Pezza, Porridge, Jodhello, scrags et al at the ANTM LIVE FINALE and will be too busy throwing back champers and canapes to get to a computer and write anything up. But I promise to give a full run down when I get back.
In the meantime, head over to Jo Blogs and check out her etchings.