Well, people - I've got my limited edition Guy Sebastian Idol mug at the ready, my limited edition Daniel Mifsud Idol scarf round my neck and my limited edition Lisa Mitchell Idol ballet flats on my feet, and I'M READY TO LIVEBLOG.
Raoul and I here in Idol HQ will be running a live commentary on this glittering night of nights, and updating this entry every few minutes. All you have to do is keep refreshing this page! Let's just pray to the server gods that I won't exceed my bandwidth, or anything boring like that.
So as the clock ticks down, and Ruby Rose and her tattoos attempt to do something entertaining for once on the Your Generation Xmas special, we wait...
7.34pm: And wait...
7.35pm: Good, everything appears to be working so far. ISN'T LIVEBLOGGING FUN?
7.37pm: Ooh goody, it's started - with the obligatory montage of Stan and Hayley, our illustrious final two, as well as a montage of past Idol finalists you seriously can't remember. SOON, FOOTAGE OF ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL BE ADDED TO THAT MONTAGE FOR NEXT YEAR.
7.39pm: Next up - a performance from the choir of teens not good enough to make it into the top 100. Give them a hand!
7.40pm: Now a bunch of random audience members has stormed the stage! SECURITY, STOP THEM! Oh wait, it's the other finalists. You know, the ones you decided you didn't like weeks ago. So sit back and enjoy this performance by singers the whole country said they didn't like.
7.41pm: COUSIN IT CAN PLAY GUITAR! This is a real win for the Addams Family. Maybe they could start a band? The Partridge family did it.
7.42pm: Petstarr - "This song is terrible." Raoul: "This SHOW is terrible."
7.43pm: "This is major pants," says Raoul, before launching into a verion of "This is ground control to major pants...". Speaking of which, I'm rather impressed that Hayley has come dressed as David Bowie tonight. SALUTE YOUR ROCK ELDERS.
7.44pm: Meanwhile, Stan has come as a FULL ON NEW ZEALANDER. "Oh moy gourd thus us wucked men!"
7.45pm: OH MY GOD MARCIA WHAT THE HELL?
7.46pm: OK, now I've composed myself slightly I THINK I can work out what happened to Marcia's outfit - she was rushing to the Opera House from a bit of late Sunday shopping at Bunnings when she accidentally fell over an errant broomstick in the string aisle, and got caught up in a roll of twine. That can be the only explanation.
7.48pm: Hmm. I'm not going to be able to put up any photos tonight, am I? Bugger.
7.49pm: I might take this adbreak as an opportunity to say - if you're sitting here pressing F5, please leave me comments! I'd like to think I'm not all alone here. Also - if you can come up with a better explanation for Marcia's outfit, I'd like to hear it.
7.51pm: Michael Buble takes out his little book of Swing King Cliches, turns to chapter 11 - "Old school swing songs that 'the kids' still seem to love" and starts singing Feeling Good. It should be pointed out that he is LOOKING good, however. Mmm, Buble.
7.52pm: And here comes Hayley to ruin it even more. Sigh. Fortunately I am distracted by the glare from the shine on her bowling shoes which she has specially rented for the night.
7.54pm: Apparently it's a heatwave in Sydney right now. To this I say SUCKED IN. Now, where's my beanie and mug of hot tea? Mmm that's better.
7.56pm: "VOTE CLOSE COUNTDOWN - 73 million hours". At least, that's how I read it.
7.57pm: Another ad break. Didn't we have the last one about 32 seconds ago? This is going to be a long night. In other news - thanks for the comments! They are bolstering my spirits. I feel like a digger in the trenches receiving telegrams from home. OK, so it's not quite that bad - but Hayley hasn't sung her single yet so, you know..
8.00pm: OMG KYLE CAN SING NOW? Oh wait, that's Wes Carr.
Greetings, Idolites and BC fans - I come to you from the land of the long, white steam cloud, otherwise known as Adelaide in a heatwave. In November.
Yes, it's EFFING hot here right now. It's hotter than James singing Hot in the City, Buble style. It's hotter than Scott's tattoo sleeve. It's hotter than Satan in an alpaca jumper sitting on an oil heater in the Simpson Desert. While on fire.
It's about this hot here right now.
But even Adelaide's searing 43 degree heat is no match for the opening performance by our final three - a finely tuned bit of MEDLEY MAYHEM combining Europe's Final Countdown with what they obviously assume are their best songs to date, ie: Purple Rain, Crazy and Somebody Told Me. Somebody told ME Hayley and James were wrong about that...
The performance really heats up when James jumps up on a ledge behind the judges and starts shrieking "I THINK I'M CRAAAAAZY!"
"Geez, I'd love to see him fall off there," says Raoul.
Me too.
In celebration of reaching the top three, James and Stan have come dressed as each other tonight, but have helpfully chosen different coloured shirts so we can tell them apart.
Also - Stan is the talented one.
In a surprise akin to eating a packet of chicken flavoured chips and finding they taste nothing like chicken, STAN is voted the first person through to the final. He says something like "Praise god ay yeah" in his usual articulate way.
"Please fucking get rid of James," pleads Raoul, in HIS usual, articulate way.
Drum roll - and our second finalist is... HAYLEY. Raoul erupts with joy.
"SEE YOU LATER YOU LITTLE PUFFED-UP SLEEVES, ABOUT TIME!" he shouts. As a reminder: Raoul likes to pretend he doesn't like this show.
"Woah, I was packing it before, I thought I was going home," Hayley says.
"You are, next week," scoffs Raoul, who has by now set up his tent in the pro-Stan camp and is already roasting marshmallows and unrolling his sleeping bag.
Meanwhile, over at the judge's desk, Marcia looks like she just hopped off the Starship Enterprise:
SING LONG AND PROSPER.
Actually, hang on - IS SHE A KLINGON?
Spot the difference.
I swear to GOD if that woman doesn't have her own float in next year's Mardi Gras, I'll lose faith in the entire gay community.
Let's move on to our special guest judge which tonight is swing king Michael Buble. Either that, or someone's accidentally poured a bucket of water on James and reconstituted him to his full form.
Meanwhile, Britney Spears is still absent, having declined an invitation to be guest judge due to the logistics of lip synching live commentary.
OK so we're all set up - we have our final two, we have our guest judge, we've gotten rid of the short annoying one and now it's time to SING! Anyone have any idea how to fill two hours of show with just two performers?
It's a book! No, a movie! Two syllables? TITANIC! Oh, wait...
Fortunately we won't have to resort to charades with Jay Dee and Ken Doll, as Stan and Hayley are going to sing THREE SONGS EACH. Hmm, on second thoughts - can I have another stab at that movie title?
Too late - it's on to STAN for our first performance of the night. But first, time for some QUOTE-A-RAMA with Mr Micky Bubble:
"I didn't like Stan very much, he has a ridiculous voice."
"God kissed Stan's throat."
"When he sang, I wanted to kick him a little bit."
Buble is so excited you get the impression he'd pash Stan if he could - and if God would only get his tongue out of his throat first.
Stan's chosen to sing How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, otherwise known as How Can You Bore an Audience to Tears. The answer = like this.
"How can you stop the rain from falling down?" he sings.
Move to South Australia.
Dicko clearly has nothing interesting left to say about Stan anymore, so turns his critique into a lame interview instead. Meanwhile, Marcia hears the engines starting up on the Enterprise, grabs Buble and runs off stage so as not to miss the ride back to her home planet. Jay Dee says something about texting a hitman, which may or may not be at the root of his plan to keep Kyle Sandilands off TV forever. Everyone holds hands, pashes each other and says how much they want to have Stan's babies. Then they set up their tents next to Raoul's and start telling ghost stories around the fire.
Next up is HAYLEY, with Sneaky Sound System's UFO.
OMG - has Hayley actually chosen a good song?
"I saw a UFO and nobody believes me," she sings.
"I believe you."
Marcia continues the theme of not actually saying anything of note by saying "congratulations". Buble says Hayley is infectious - maybe she was pashed by God too? Dicko says she's not too cool for school. Jay Dee says she's out of this world.
"There are more worlds than you could possibly know about, Mr Springbett."
Back over to STAN, who's either a) outing himself as a transexual on live television or b) really testing the boundaries of Idol's PG rating by singing about his black box. Or a black box. I'm not sure which, but it'll be his single if he wins, so if you plan on listening to commercial radio at any point in the next three months you should probably get used to it.
"There's a little black box somewhere in the ocean, holding all the truth about us," he sings, sounding a bit like Coldplay would if Usher got them drunk and then did unspeakable things to them in a cheap hotel room.
The song lends itself nicely to a dance remix that will no doubt be included on the next R&B Superclub compilation, sandwiched bweteen Sexy Bitch and Shake Dat Booty. It also smacks of "summer TV promo" - so expect to see Ten promoting all its shitty imported American TV fails with it this December.
For the record, I'd like to say that the only songs I want to hear Stan record are by Al Green, Marvin Gaye and HIMSELF, if this Youtube video is any indication of his song writing ability:
Buble goes on some more about how great Stan is. I try to listen to what he has to say, but I'm momentarily distracted by the skirting board. Jay Dee takes one look at Stan and says he wants his T shirt back.
This is how Jay Dee keeps track of his T Shirts - by screenprinting a giant picture of his face onto them.
Dicko says it's awesome. Marcia says - ah who cares, no one's saying anything interesting anymore.
Time for some filler? YOU BET. Let's check out all the Idols you've long forgotten about going to Maccers for McHappy day, where C grade celebrities sell burgers for a day in order to remind us all they still exist. Or actually, are they all at KFC? I think the answer is WHO THE FUCK CARES.
Back over to HAYLEY with For Once in My Life. OMG, THAT MEANS...
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ONLY UP TO FOUR.
To be perfectly frank - IT IS LAME. Cruise ship lame. Maths jokes lame. CIRQUE DU SO LAME. It is so bad, she can't even get the crowd interested in clapping along.
"You're a talented girl... you're a nice girl..." says Buble, who is clearly ITCHING to finish the sentence with "but you're not as good as Stan".
Jay Dee says he's "mesmerised by her versatility", which I think is record label exec speak for "lame". Dicko says he listened to it "with my ears in" - AND IT WAS STILL LAME. No word on where his ears were earlier in the show.
Perhaps under Marcia's shoulder pads.
Marcia receives a transmission from the mothership and tries to translate it on the fly for the English speaking audience - it comes out something like "You should have sung the song to yourself because I saw the light in your eyes and it went damn."
"bIjatlh 'e' yImev."
Back over to STAN in this NEVER ENDING VOLLEY OF CRAP POP SONGS - thank the lord he's opted to bring us some more Beyonce, sweet, sweet Beyonce, with Sweet Dreams. And another hoodie. I thoroughly approve of one of these things. He takes Beyonce for a spin around the islands and Maoris her up a bit, chucking in a bit of a haka half way through. I APPROVE.
"This could be a sweet dream, or a beautiful KA MATE KA MATE KA ORA!"
"You do come from a culture where masculinity is prized," says Dicko, distinguishing Stan from all those other cultures that don't prize men...
...all of which you can see clearly identified on this globe.
Marcia says it was bad. But bad meaning good, like the Michael Jackson way.
Not bad meaning bad, like the Nikki Webster way.
"I always felt I was a heterosexual guy, but I feel all fuzzy when you dance like that," says Buble. Wait until he finds out about his black box.
Jay Dee continues this ENTIRE SEASON'S overarching theme of lame homosexual-themed comedy by complaining Stan's nipple kept falling out. How did I miss that? More importantly, how did the cameras miss that?
Never mind, it's back over to HAYLEY for what feels like the 53rd performance of the evening with her winner's single, Good Day. It's what Pink would sound like if Kelly Clarkson slipped a roophy into her beer and dressed her up in a cocktail dress and pink stilettoes while she was unconscious. It's pretty good.
"This'd be a GOOOOOD DAY to let you down," she sings.
Meanwhile, Raoul decides it's a good day to go watch The Wire in the other room. Quitter.
After a few more choruses and approximately 723 repetitions of the line "it's a goooood daaaaaay", I decide it'd be a good day for Hayley to stop singing - this song has suddenly gotten extremely irritating.
Marcia says Hayley has a distinctive voice, an observation that has been made about 357,002 times tonight. Buble makes the audience cheer for no apparent reason, Jay Dee congratulates some bloke called Ross, and Dicko says the song is so good he's going to illegally download it, rather than pay the 99c it will no doubt eventually be on iTunes.
Before we get to Stan's final song we're forced to sit through an unusually morbid montage in which he mentions something about being abused, having no hope or purpose, and crying himself to sleep.
"As Stan takes the stage at the Sydney Opera House next week he's proved one thing - no matter how dark life can get, there is always hope," says Ken Doll.
Me right now.
Then Stan ruins it all by singing a Luther Vandross song. Oh well, it couldn't last anyway.
Buble asks Stan's parents if it's weird that people will soon be making love to their son's voice in the shower. Then he asks if they'd find it weird if he made love to their son in the shower. They would.
Jay Dee says win or lose, Stan's won. Or lost. Then he says he's ridiculous. Dicko says some load of crap, I dunno - is this nearly over? Marcia thanks the Australian public and then starts thanking the band and crew for all their hard work, having clearly forgotten that Hayley still has a song left to sing.
The audience starts to file out and Jean the Channel Ten cleaning lady moves on to the stage with her mop and bucket before someone reminds her that Hayley hasn't sung her final song yet. Everyone sighs and sits down again.
HAYLEY finally comes up and wraps up the night with another pop gem, Rihanna's Don't Stop the Music. It's fair to say she's chosen the better songs tonight. The fact that she's singing them all fairly badly is secondary. I also thoroughly approve of her new jacket, which looks like what you'd get if a piano mated with a tuxedo.
Jaunty.
She is still dancing like an absolute mong though. Bless.
"I thought sitting next to the sexiest guy in the room is why this guy was on fire tonight," he says cryptically. I have no idea what he's talking about but the fact that he can acknowledge anyone other than himself as being sexy is in itself, astounding.
Dicko says he's not irrelevant. Not until next year anyway. Marcia helpfully points out that Hayley is a chick. THANKS MARCIA. Buble says she's a nice humble kid, and then adds "but Stan is way more awesome" under his breath.
AND OH MY GOD, THATS IT. IT'S ALL OVER. Well, until next week's grand finale - otherwise known as TWO HOURS OF FILLER featuring celebrities with not very expensive hire fees and past Idol contestants you no longer care about.
OH MY GOD, WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL THREE. Well, we will be as soon as everyone stops singing We Built This City on Rock and Roll. Seriously, they made them do that to open the show this week. And you know why?
BECAUSE IT'S TWO HOURS OF POWER NIGHT!
Big deal - I have 24 hours of power at my house every day.
That's right - just three singers, FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS. HOW DOES THAT WORK? Maybe I misheard and it's actually "Gilbert and Sullivan operettas night" and it won't be over until Nathan has sung the whole of The Mikado.
Unfortunately the presence of Starship in the first five minutes seems to contradict that theory - although Hayley's COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS outfit wouldn't look too out of place in Pirates of Penzance.
She is the very model of a modern major general. Apart from those ripped tights.
Hayley, I know I've criticised your black jacket and jeans ensemble quite consistently over the last 10 weeks, but if I'm in any way responsible for your apparent need to turn to ripped leggings and tails, I am truly sorry.
So it's over to the votes - and it's slim pickings this week with only Mini Zoolander, Light Red, Gaythan and Stunned left to choose from. First back to the bench is... WHAT THE? JAMES?
I think we can all thank Toby for this turn of events.
Thanks to the quitting teacher, Australia has clearly had a change of heart about poor little James and his puppy dog eyes and voted for him in earnest. Drats. Which leaves a highly undesirable bottom three of STAN, NATHAN and HAYLEY.
HOW THE HELL?
I'm momentarily distracted from this awfulness (and no, I'm not still talking about Hayley's outfit) by Marcia, who is looking FIIINE tonight:
Mama's got a brand new wig.
But her Halle Berry-ish new look isn't enough to distract me from Australia's ultimate decision, which is that GAYTHAN should be kicked out of the competition.
This prety much sums that up.
So it looks like the people of Australia DID eventually get behind Nathan - and booted him out the door.
"I just wish everyone could see the amazing people who work back stage here," Nathan says, ignoring the fact that Ten is having enough trouble convincing viewers to watch the people ON stage.
Speaking of which, how are they planning to fill two hours with just three people?
"Each of our Idols will perform three songs tonight..."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"It'll be all killer, no filler," Ken Doll continues.
Some simple maths would seem to refute that: If each Idol has three songs at approximately two minutes each, that's 18 minutes down. OUT OF TWO FUCKING HOURS.
Clearly there's going to be some time to kill tonight - so it's over to Ricki Lee, who is single handedly setting back the national domestic violence campaign by looking like someone has punched her in both eyes.
To bad make up - Australia says no.
Or maybe she's just trying to outdo eyeliner-loving special guest judge PETE WENTZ, who tonight is rendered even MORE special by virtue of the fact that HE'S NOT BRITNEY SPEARS.
Sadly, Britney couldn't get out of her circus cage to attend tonight.
Seriously, Pete Wentz? Are Fall Out Boy even touring at the moment? Why is he here?
"He looks like Missy Higgins," says Raoul.
"But with more makeup," I counter.
Speaking of makeup, it seems Ricki Lee has won the eyeliner battle as Pete has turned up clean faced, in a hoodie, jeans and maths nerd haircut and looks like the guy who lives down your street. Inexplicably, every teenage girl in the audience spontaneously wets their pants.
On to the performances, starting with JAMES who is attempting Toto's Hold the Line. Well, what beter way for a crooner wannabe to get around the "two hours of power" theme than with a dose of yacht rock?
He has a nice, wrought expression on his face - like he's just discovered the mass of cocaine he's bought for the bikini party on his yacht this weekend is actually bicarb soda - but he really needs a moustache to complete the look.
"Holder lion - glove isn't hallways on life," he sings, suggesting he might have had a little too much of that bicarb.
He finishes on a power note, and it looks uncomfortably like his brain is going to explode out of his forehead.
"Hold the OWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"I hate him - I hate the way he looks, I hate the way he sounds, I hate his little twitchy movements, I HATE EVERYTHING," shouts Raoul charitably.
I'm not sure I necessarily agree with Raoul's summation, but I do reckon I've seen better performances on footpaths. And so as a one-off special event this week I shall compare each Idol song to a past performance on that illustrious beacon of Australian TV talent quest integrity - POT LUCK. Fans of 90s Saturday night television, like me, will remember the best of Pot Luck courtesy of The Late Show's weekly toilet break.
As everyone knows, the number one Pot Luck performance of all time, the yardstick against which all other talent quest performances have always been measured, is the unforgettable Todd Rixon:
While James' performance didn't quite get to the level of awfulness of Mr Rixon, I reckon it was fairly on par with Chris Lopes:
Dicko says James' power is in his tenderness, and he should have done something tender. As much as I'm not a fan of James, I think we all know that if he had come out singing Jack Johnson on TWO HOURS OF POWER NIGHT and argued the "tenderness is my power" line, Dicko would have told him he was shit. And I would have agreed. SO BASICALLY, JAMES CAN'T WIN. Marcia fulfils her contractual obligation to disagree with everything Dicko says by disagreeing with what Dicko said. La Wentz says James did an excellent job of interacting with the crowd. Another girl wets her pants. Jay Dee says he doesn't know if James did anything wrong, but he's not sure if he did anything right either. Then he says he's Liza Minnelli.
Which goes some way to explaining his last two comments.
Over to HAYLEY who has gone for the biggest gun in the Idol arsenal with U2's One. Or as she sings it: "Werrr-errrrn".
I continue to be distracted by her atrocious outfit. Honestly, she looks like she's been dressed by a mental patient with a military fetish. Is this the result of some sort of equal opportunity initiative in the styling department? Has Sheridan been recruiting apprentice stylists from special schools again?
THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
The ensemble of hoodie, sleeveless jacket with tails and gold braiding, ripped leggings and school shoes makes me wish she'd chosen Metallica's One instead - lyrics like "darkness imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror" seem far more appropriate. I'm so enthralled by her outfit that I almost miss her performance of Wern - except for the bits where she sang off key.
In the Pot Luck stakes, I reckon Hayley is a bit like Razia - it might have seemed like a good idea when she put the costume on, but the performance never really lived up to expectations:
Just for something different, Marcia says Wern is one of her favourite songs. La Wentz shows how cool he is by wanking on about how he was in the studio when they were remixing U2, then shows off his Wikipedia research skills by giving us the whole history of the band before concluding that Hayley is kind of OK. Liza Minnelli says U2 is too safe. Dicko says Hayley wasn't great but she didn't destroy the song either, it was a nil-nil draw.
WHAT A SCINTILLATING CRITIQUE.
Moving along to STAN who takes a look at Hayley's puny U2 gun, pushes it aside and reaches for the double barrelled nuclear missile launcher with Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. Oh dear. This has bad news written all over it.
And then - BLOODY FUCK WHAT THE HELL? Stan's done a Dean Geyer (but with less bum crack), back flipping out onto the stage. TAKE THAT, MOFOS! STAN'S HERE AND HE'S GOING TO KICK YOUR ARSES LIKE SOME KIND OF CRAZY IDOL NINJA! YESSSSS! Suddenly it doesn't matter that he's wearing a pooncy vest with a giant treble clef on it, like he's just come back from band camp. As with the vest, the rest of the song is a bit crap to be honest - he's out of breath and missing a few words here and there, BUT WHO CARES? HE DID A FUCKING BACKFLIP! GO STAN!
In Pot Luck terms, Stan would probably be Todd Rixon if he had never broken his arse and just kept on dancing. But as there's no video of that, I'll have to go with Michael Cannon instead. Michael who? Cannon. What? CANNON. Can you spell that?
La Wentz says the Benjoel told him to watch out for Stan.
"Watch out for Stan."
"If you don't win this thing and you end up with nowhere to go, give me a call please," says La Wentz.
Jealous.
Well that's positive - if Stan loses, maybe Pete can help get him his job back at the mall?
Minnelli takes credit for Stan's amazing gymnastics by mentioning the treadmill again. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN TREADMILLS. Dicko bums one of Minnelli's funny pills with the Mitsubishi logo printed on it and says Stan's performance had all the hallmarks of a bad karaoke song, and it was awesome. CONFUSED? GOOD. Marcia says something inconsequential and then it's time for some padding, courtesy of Ricki Lee. She's interviewing some woman who's campaigning for world hunger relief, which is a little like Lindsay Lohan interviewing someone campaigning for alcoholics anonymous.
Anyway, back to JAMES who is doing More than Words by Extreme who, by the way, ARE STILL TOURING.
"I think I might go watch The Wire. I can't stand another hour of this shit," says Raoul.
"MORE THAN WOOOORRRRRRRDS," I sing.
"Shhh! I can't hear it now because of YOU," snaps Raoul in what would seem to be a very sudden change of heart. See what Extreme can do to a man?
They can give him big hair, for one thing.
As you've probably guessed, I missed most of James' performance because I was singing my own version, but I know that it included bongoes, a guitar, a pair of VERY shiny shoes, and no high bits.
It was a bit like Gary Bond, but with less apt lyrics:
Minnelli says he hates that song but loves it when James strips. Then he says he wants him to "bring it out" for the next song. Let's hope James takes note to ensure a rollicking Chippendales-style finale! Dicko congratulates James on not choosing a "girlyman" song. Er, excuse me Dicko, but James just sang More Than Words. It's not exactly Enter Sandman, is it? Apparently Extreme are proper rock according to Dicko because "they wore leather pants". So did the Spice Girls.
This woman has a full leather body. That must make her the sunbathing equivalent of AC/DC.
Marcia says something about gravitating. Or maybe levitating. Whatever it is, we can probably attribute it to some of Minnelli's pills. La Wentz confuses the Idol judging panel for his weekly therapy session and says he never got to second base with any of the girls at school.
"What's second base?" I ask.
"Fingers. Fingering," says Raoul sagely.
Next up is HAYLEY again - Ken Doll announces she'll be singing INXS. A furious round of betting begins in Idol HQ as to which song she will attempt - Raoul says New Sensation, I say Suicide Blonde. I would normally have gone for Never Tear Us Apart but after Wern I'm not so sure.
"Here's Hayley Warner with New Sensation," shouts Ken Doll. Bugger.
"LIVE, BABY LIVE - NOW THAT THE DAY IS OVER," she sings, badly off key.
"Now that my career is over" might have been more appropriate. This is truly terrible. I didn't think Hayley had it in her to be crap, but she's pulling out all stops tonight. In Pot Luck terms, she's definitely this chick:
The best thing I can say about Hayley's performance is that it makes me realise I never want to hear anyone sing New Sensation other than Michael Hutchence.
"That was a poo sensation," says Raoul.
Dicko says Hayley has bacteria in her voice, which would possibly explain why she has suddenly gone to shit in this competition. Marcia uses her fallback for when she has nothing nice to say - complimenting the band. La Wentz says something about interacting with the audience for about the 500th time this episode. Jay Dee continues his Liza Minnelli impression by saying he'll reserve judgement until her third song. Fortunately for her, Liza's fans did the same thing when she was here recently.
Next up is STAN doing James Brown's It's A Man's World. It's a good choice, and he's looking schmick in a black suit jacket and white unbuttoned shirt. He stands there, he sings it, there are strings, there are no back flips, it is still pretty awesome. Like this woman:
Marcia tries to outdo La Wentz's suck-up tales of celebrity by saying she once got to see James Brown sing that song. Good for you, Marcia. La Wentz says something about what Stan has in his "wheelhouse", which I think is some weirdo Americanism for "cockpit". Luckily, we all already know what Stan has in his cockpit, thanks to his backflip earlier in the evening. Jay Dee tries to make himself look emotionally open by pretending to cry, and Dicko brings it on home with the Completely Obvious Joke That I Can't Believe Nobody Has Made Yet by saying it's "Stan's world".
JAMES is back next with with Foo Fighters' Learn to Fly, which he's decided to strip back to an acoustic version. JUST FOR SOMETHING FUCKING DIFFERENT.
He grabs his guitar and starts strumming Summer of 69 before changing his mind and sticking with the Foo Fighters plan. Eventually he gives up, slings his guitar off and starts to lead the audience in a clap. His shoes are still shiny.
This man's shoes are also shiny, but he's slightly more entertaining than James:
Fearing Marcia's celebrity anecdotes might be more impressive than his, La Wentz wanks on about how Dave Grohl bought him a beer in Germany once, a boring anecdote that takes about 20 minutes to tell and has no real point. Jay Dee says it was more "Poo Fighters" than Foo Fighters, a joke which was funnier when Raoul said it about 10 minutes ago. Dicko says James is missing he point of James - WHAT IS THE POINT OF JAMES? TELL US! Marcia says James has an inner thing.
"He has an outer thing too, and I want him to bring it out!" shrieks Jay Dee.
And so we move on to HAYLEY who has decided on The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony for her final performance. Hmm.
"It's a metaphor for life," explains Hayley helpfully. Thanks Hayley.
It's alright but, you know. It's Bittersweet Symphony. WHERE THE HELL IS THE GOD DAMN ROCK AND ROLL? TWO HOURS OF POWER? TWO HOURS OF SOFTCOCK BOREDOM, I SAY.
Raoul declares the whole thing "snoozeworthy". Her final word is "die" and that about sums it up. In terms of coolness and rock and roll swagger tonight, Hayley is on par with these ladies:
Jay Dee her voice breathed, the tonalities came back, and some other crap no one believes. ADMIT IT, SHE WASN'T THAT GOOD TONIGHT. Dicko says Hayley has a commanding femininity. Maybe that explains the military jacket?
"I am Commander Femininity."
Marcia says as long as she put her own spit in it, it's good - a philosophy Marcia applies equally to cooking, so beware if you're ever invited round to the Hines household for dinner. La Wentz manages to say something without telling a half hour anecdote about another celebrity friend of his, and we move on to our final performer of the evening - STAN - who is bringing us all home with the power of the lord and Amazing Grace, otherwise known as The Song Most Likely To Get a Standing Ovation From Marcia.
"Uf you thunk you love Jesus clup your hends..."
Hey, do you think Stan's religious?
"Christ, I'm going to get some cloves of garlic," says Raoul.
"He's not a vampire, he's a Christian," I argue but it's too late - Raoul's already threading garlic onto a piece of twine for round his neck.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound... Christ, this is more like an episode of Songs of Praise than Idol. I suppose it IS Sunday. Meanwhile, in the background, Jay Dee is so mesmerised by the performance he's talking animatedly to Pete Wentz about hair - possibly the fact that he has none.
I'm sorry to say it, but Stan's performance is about as exciting as Raymond Schild's:
Clearly swept up by the whole happy clapper vibe, Dicko says he's proud to be part of a show that "allows a lad to find redemption through music". I'm starting to feel that the consumption of grade A narcotics is necessary to understand the judge's comments on this show. Marcia says he sings from "that very special place".
"What, Sydney?" pipes up Raoul, who still hasn't buggered off to watch The Wire.
La Wentz says Stan took us on a journey with his voice, and used both of his pipes.
So presumably he can now understand every word Dicko is saying.
And that's it for another week, kids. Who do you reckon is out next week? I think it might be Hayley.
Meanwhile, if only NATHAN had been allowed to perform tonight, I'd like to think he would have done something equivalent of this (and hopefully with a similar costume):
Welcome back Idolites! Wow, it seems like only AN HOUR since I last recapped an Idol episode - how time flies, eh?
And to make tonight's show THRILLINGLY DIFFERENT from the last eight, it's NOUGHTIES NIGHT, meaning our finalists can only sing songs written in the last nine years. fa
The new millenium was seriously cool in its day.
I am going to kick this off with some bets right here:
James will sing Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas.
Stan will sing something by Destiny's Child. If he's being appropriate, it'll be Bootylicious.
Nathan will sing something by Christina Aguilera.
Stan will also probably sing that Praise You song by that band I can't remember.
Hayley will sing something by the Foo Fighters.
No one will sing Good Charlotte, but that's OK because they've turned up anyway as our special extraneous judges for the night.
"TWO guest judges? Oh this is bulls***.."
Apparently their names are Benji and Joel, but as they're virtually indistinguishable - and as I can't be stuffed writing out idiotic comments from FIVE judges - I'll just call them Benjoel.
"People just want three chords and the truth," says Benjoel sagely, the first of many pearls of wisdom to emanate from their collective mouth this evening.
ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE BENJOEL. OMM.
Over to Ken Doll, who's announcing he has the results of last week's vote in his hand like it's something special and new. WE KNOW, YOU DO IT EVERY WEEK. But wait...
"Before I get to the results, Toby - I believe you have something to say," he says.
Say what?
OMG - Toby is gay. He's a woman. He's not actually a teacher, he's really a lesbian cowgirl slaughterhouse worker. Oh wait, that was Kate. Um, OK, Toby's already released a CD of 90s Britpop Hits in Tanzania and he's been disqualified. He only has three days to live. WHAT IS IT?
"After many many hours of soul searching and many sleepless nights I';ve decided to withdraw form the competition tonight," he says.
A noise that sounds like 1200 cats being squashed at once emanates from the audience. And while there may actually be some cats stuck under the seating scaffolding, I'm assuming the noise is actually people squealing with disappointment.
"I'm not sure if I want a career as a singer," he continues, while Sabrina sits at home throwing whatever she can reach at the TV.
"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MEEEEE!"
Even Marcia - who has forgotten to take off her Pippi Longstocking costume from last night's Halloween party - is shocked.
"I am shocked."
He craps on a bit about being real with himself and stepping aside to allow the other contestants to prosper as young Australian artists, while Dicko sits back smugly thinking "I said you'd be better as a teacher, didn't I?"
"Hello, Telstra? I'd like a refund on the 775 text messages I sent to keep Toby Moulton in Australian Idol, please."
While this is all very MOMENTOUS and exciting, Toby does go on a bit. When he starts rabbiting on about being "an older Aussie bloke who decided to step up and give it a go" and apologising for leaving his fans "downhearted", I long for a fast forward button. Come on Tobes, if you're leaving, GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE.
"This has been the most amazing experience of my life, and I now know who I am - I'M A TEACHER," he says triumphantly.
"Now on to multiplication - and this is how many records I would have sold if I'd won."
Everyone gives him a standing ovation, proving that the only things that can earn you a touchdown on Idol these days are being Liza Minnelli, or being a teacher. Who knew?
"To my schoolkids, I've taught you all to just have a go, especially at things you're passionate about," he continues, in what feels like the 53rd minute of his farewell monologue. He neglects to mention he's also just taught them all the valuable lesson of QUITTING when things get tough. Thanks, Mr Moulton!
He goes on for another 20 minutes or so about what a great time he had and how he's a teacher, and he loves his job blah blah blah, yeah whatever Toby - we all know the real reason you're ditching out on the show is because NOUGHTIES NIGHT would have forced you to sing something outside of 1994.
OK let's all move on - can we kick someone else out tonight as well? Sadly it appears not, although Ken Doll rather cruelly reveals that had Toby not stepped aside, it would have been JAMES' turn to leave.
Even Jesus knows this is an epic facepalm moment.
James tries to conjure up some tears of gratitude but can't quite care enough to be successful.
Then we watch a massive package on Toby - sadly not featuring Toby's massive package - then everyone stands up and applauds again, then Ken Doll says something else about how great Toby is, then Dicko asks him why he made the decision and Toby starts crapping on about Balmoral Beach... ENOUGH ALREADY! It's been 15 whole minutes, can we move on yet? Christ, this bloke's having more farewells than Nellie Melba.
Finally he leaves, and Benjoel comes on and WE FINALLY GET INTO SOME GOD DAMN SINGING with NATHAN, who has chosen to sing Ne-Yo, who I think is one of those r&b dudes that sounds like a ringtone. This should be good.
In a nutshell:
"When you sing a song like this, women have to know that you're not coming over to talk about their boyfriend," says Benjoel during rehearsal.
"Yep," says Nathan, while secretly thinking :(
"I just want to see him man up a little bit," says Benjoel, echoing the thoughts of Nathan's girlfriend back home.
Nathan clearly went to the same Halloween party Marcia did last night, as he's come dressed as Stan.
Praise god, ay bro!
Despite this being a ringtoney r&b song with a techno backing track, it is bloody awesome and Nathan is the greatest thing in the world. Until he tries to lead the audience in a handclap and completely misses the rhythm. Tim the whitest barista in the world claps along in sympathy at home.
Dicko says there wasn't enough "lower body action" going on. Not sure exactly what he had in mind, but this comment is disturbingly similar to the others he's given Nathan over the last few weeks... Dicko, are you lonely? Nathan responds by doing some dirty grinding dance moves - which the camerman completely misses. Brilliant.
Marcia says it was dynamite. Jay Dee takes a sip from a small bottle labelled "drink me" and says it was good, it was crap, it was great but it was a bad song, it was sexy, it was flat, it was the wrong song, and he knocked it out the park.
Work THAT one out, bitches.
Benjoel makes things considerably more interesting by revealing that Nathan's biggest aspiration is to become a male Kelly Clarkson. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO BRING BENJOEL ON? PROMOTE THEM IMMEDIATELY. Nathan looks crushed, as though they had all been playing "If you had to be a girl, who would you be?" backstage and he revealed the Kelly thing to them in confidence.
All he ever wanted...
And if Toby's potentially Oscar winning monologue about being a teacher wasn't enough education-themed padding for you, here's some more - meet Mr Whoever He Is, a teacher from some school somewhere who won a special concert with Dean Geyer. He's a Christian, Dean's a Christian, the whole school is Christian, so I'm guessing it was a really hardcore concert.
Apparently Mr Whoever won this special treat through a scratch card he got at KFC.
No kidding.
"Have you been on the treadmill lately?" yells Jay Dee.
Meanwhile, I think KFC should be applauded for motivating people to eat healthy - if eating a burger can win you a private concert from Dean Geyer, I'd probably opt for a salad.
As it turns out, the concert also features the Idols, and a shitload of product placement. I'm sure the parents of students at Whatever The Fuck Christian College are happy to know their kids spent half the day on the oval having a South African man yelling at them about KFC while five strangers sing Queen in the background
Toby would never let that happen in his school.
"Not on my watch."
Moving on to JAMES who is living up to his lesser nickname of "Mini John Mayer" by doing John Mayer's Daughters. Yawn. OK, wake me up when Benjoel starts talking again.
"The beauty is, if you make it big in Australia, you can make it anywhere else in the world," says Benjoel, who clearly hasn't passed this piece of wisdom on to Powderfinger, Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham... basically everyone who's not ACDC.
And lo, the Benjoel spake again:
"It's totally fine to be 18."
It certainly is.
So, James in a nutshell:
James sits on a stool flanked by two Alex Perry lookalikes and sings like your dad. If your dad sounds like a slightly distorted Michael Buble.
He keeps going.
He sings a bit more.
Raoul heads into the kitchen, makes a cup of tea. Comes back, James is still singing.
This is going longer than Toby's farewell speech.
OK, so he sounds quite good. But GOD, I'M SO BORED I CAN BARELY STAND IT. STAND UP AND DANCE, OR YELL OR FALL OVER OR PUNCH SOMEONE OR GOD DAMMIT JUST DO ANYTHING.
Marcia advises James to keep his youth. OH MARCIA, IF ONLY WE COULD. Jay Dee says even though he told James last week to do John Mayer, he didn't mean THAT song, DUH! And also it was opposite day that day, so he actually meant DON'T do John Mayer, DUH! Benjoel says James has potential, but neglects to finish its sentence with "to be kicked out next week". Meanwhile, Dicko says James looks like a frightened marsupial.
You know, he's right - James really does look like a marsupial.
Ken Doll proudly announces that not one contestant has picked a song by Hinder, Nickelback or Creed, blithely ignoring the fact that This is How You Remind Me is one of the best ever songs to sing... well, ever. Sure, people might not like LISTENING to it, but who said we liked John Mayer either?
Over to STAN who is singing Let me Love You by Mario, who I think might be Ne-Yo's second cousin. But I secretly hope he means THIS Mario:
Have you ever seen them in the same room together?
As it turns out, he doesn't. Instead, it's another one of those ringtoney r&b songs that I hate, but Jay Dee seems to love.
ALL UP IN DIS CLUB, AIGHT.
"Damn, damn damn damn damn," says Jay Dee.
"Stan, Stan Stan Stan Stan," he continues. Can anyone join in here? Man, man man man! Ham, ham ham ham!
Then he gives him six out of 10 for doing the remix instead of the original. Hands up who knew it was the remix? Hands up who's even heard the original? Right, moving on.
The Benjoel says it likes Stan's swagger. ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE BENJOEL. Dicko says it was like r&b night at the local RSL. THEY HAVE THOSE? If they did, this choir would surely do a sellout tour:
Marcia says bugger all, leaving Ken Doll and Stan to fill for two minutes - so they reminisce about Toby. BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT FUCKING TOBY TONIGHT.
Finally it's over to HAYLEY who's channelling her inner fat lesbian to do The Gossip's Heavy Cross, a song that three quarters of the audience won't know and the remainder won't like. Good for her.
Even though it looks like she's wearing school shoes and an old denim jacket that someone has attacked with a Bedazzler, she looks completely hot. She sounds pretty good too, except for those high notes. DON'T TRY TO GET HIGH, HAYLEY.
"I can't believe you're only 17," says the Benjoel, who is possibly wondering what age constitutes "legal" in Australia.
Meanwhile, Dicko says Hayley got swamped by Beth Ditto's undies - they must have been cotton, because she didn't suffocate. Marcia says nothing of importance. Jay Dee says he likes to listen to that song after a hard day of banging. Or something. Then everyone gets to watch a once in a lifetime event - Jay Dee's brain slowly exploding on live television.
"You didn't quite reach those dizzy heights tonight, you pulled it off, it was a great song choice, where you're landing, where I want to see you going, but what are you doing with your hand," he garbles, before launching into a full blown monkey impression.
Hayley's reaction says it all.
"Ooh-ooh aah-ahh!" shrieks Jay Dee, waving his hand around. Did he take the brown acid or what?
"Don't do that," snaps Marcia, who is obviously well acquainted with side effects such as this.
"Don't do what?" he guffaws.
"Just keep that out of it," she snaps.
"I'm just having a conversation, OK, OK, I'll just talk to Hayley then, because that's what I'm gnnggggg," he rambles.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? IS MY TELEVISION DRUNK?
Marcia starts giving Jay Dee a lecture as we move along to NATHAN for round two, who's doing some song by Daniel Merriweather that isn't Mark Ronson's version of Stop Me so I don't care about it.
He sits on a stool, he sings a song competently, I am bored. It sounds like something out of The Lion King. God dammit, what is WRONG with these Idols? When is someone going to come out here and sing a massive anthem and blow the roof off? STOP DICKING AROUND WITH BALLADS AND ALBUM TRACKS.
"I feel like from the little bit we've gotten to hang out, you know, you're a nice guy and you know, I like you," says the Benjoel.
Sophie Monk is TOTES jealous.
Dicko says Nathan's top end isn't as good as Daniel Merriweather's. I'm not sure if I agree with this or not, but I think we can all be thankful he's not saying anything about Nathan's bottom end. But then Marcia ruins everything by thanking him for showing himself. Sigh. And I thought we'd be innuendo free in this segment.
"If you want to get behind Nathan, Australia, just pick up the phone," says Ken Doll.
Ooooh!
Moving on to JAMES for round two (great, because round one was so electrifying), who's defying my Santana/Rob Thomas prediction by simply doing Rob Thomas' This is How a Heart Breaks. Hmph. Well, I'm half right.
I have nothing to say about this performance, except that James wears a white jacket with lots of buttons on it.
Dicko opens his book of Idol Judges' Techniques for Critiquing a Particularly Bad Performance Without Being Too Nasty, turns to page 35 and says "Do YOU think you did a good job?" Then he says something about musical foreplay, which forces me to run to the laundry to grab a bucket so I missed what everyone else said. Oh well.
Back to STAN, who's now doing The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Miley fucking Cyrus? Is he serious? What sayeth the Benjoel?
"It takes balls to sing Miley Cyrus."
Indeed.
OK, so I haven't heard this song before, but Stan makes it sound like a cross between something from a Disney film and something blissed-out people would sing at Hillsong. It's one of those INSPIRATIONAL songs that you'd expect to be sold with a motivational poster folded up inside the CD cover. It's crap, basically. But you know - it's Stan, and Stan could sing the phone book and sound good. Maybe he should try that next week.
Marcia says she's lost for words, but then finds one downthe back of the couch - "sublime". For about the 357th time this season, Jay Dee says "I've got nothing to say but..." and then says something boring.
"From the minute I met you dude, I liked you," says the Benjoel.
Now who's jealous?
Dicko says he can't wait until Stan does the Nikki Webster medley next week, and the silicon chip inside Stan's brain gets switched to overload - all of a sudden he looks like an angry clubber about to punch a bouncer. Fortunately the moment passes, and he starts laughing again. Is our Stan... mentally unstable?
Let's ponder this as Idol thoughtfully provides us with some more padding, this time featuring people talking about juvenile cancer, and Guy Sebastian singing his crap new song. Sorry Guy, I do love you (and your massive guns) but you know that song is shit.
Anyway, over to HAYLEY for the final performance of the night -something from Fall Out Boy, ie: that other group of dudes who wear pork pie hats and wear eyeliner. It's possibly a worry when you can be out-glammed by a bloke, but it's fair to say that Pete Wentz looks more rock and roll when he wakes up in the morning than Hayley does right now - jeans, non descript shoes and a black T shirt. When oh WHEN are we going to have another gold dress moment on Idol? As for the performance - yeah, you know.
Jay Dee criticises Hayley for not crowd surfing, but says everything else was bloody amazing, and please wil you be my friend cos you're SO cool Hayley oh please, I'll give you my lunch money and everything...
"There's nothing hotter than a chick that brings the rock," says Dicko, who has clearly been sitting next to the Benjoel for too long as he's started to talk in fortune cookie format.
And that's it - apart from a final performance by the Benjoel which, frankly, isn't half as entertaining as its comments from the judging panel all night. Male Kelly Clarkson? Gold.
See you next week, when we get down to the final three. Bye James.
