Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry explains the concept of reservations to a hire car company worker? THIS SUMS UP EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE LAST HOUR OF MY LIFE.
I work a job that requires me to be in the office at absurd hours, when most decent people are asleep. Hours which no human being should have to work. On a Saturday night I normally finish at about 1.30-2am, after having started at 1pm.
Yes, you can start pitying me now.
Because of this, and the fact that for a long time I didn't have a car, I have become rather used to trying to cajole taxi companies into letting me give them money to drive me home. Despite this being their sole reason for existing, this has always proved rather hard, mostly because I've left it to the last minute to ring for one.
Today however, I was clever. I BOOKED my taxi 12 hours in advance.
"HA-HA!" thought I.
"No waiting around for ME tonight, I'll be straight out the door and into my waiting cab on the dot of 1.30am!"
Sadly Suburban Taxis had other ideas, as they informed me when I called them at 1.45am to find out where my cab was.
"Yes, see it's Saturday night, and it's really busy in the city, so your car is late, and its GPS is broken so we can't even tell you how far away it is," they said.
"But it shouldn't BE late! I BOOKED it! Twelve hours ago!" I argued.
"It doesn't matter what time you book it, it matters where the cars are at the time you booked the taxi for," they said.
"But isn't that the point of booking a taxi, so it turns up at the time you want?" I asked, my mind bending into a pretzel.
"No taxi company in the WORLD is going to guarantee a car will turn up on time," they guffawed.
It was about this time that I noticed a Suburban taxi pull up out the front of the office with its light on - AND PICK UP A RANDOM GIRL FROM THE STREET.
"HEY, ARE YOU BOOKED FOR PETSTARR?" I shrieked, running up to the car window.
"Huh? Nup," said the driver and sped away with his drunken quarry.
Furious, I called Suburban back again to inform them of this new development. Namely: why the fuck am I still waiting for a taxi I booked 12 hours ago when there are free cabs hurtling up and down the street picking up randoms?
"Well that taxi driver you just saw didn't have YOUR booking you see, YOUR booking is with another driver who is still on the way," they said.
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF BOOKING A TAXI IF THERE IS NO GUARANTEE OF THAT TAXI TURNING UP AT THAT TIME?
And why the FUCK does your booking system allocate my job to ONE driver, whose GPS is broken and so may or may not even be in South Australia, so that other vacant cabs are driving up and down my street looking for fares, blissfully unaware of my desperate desire to get home?
And finally, what DEMENTED, BRAIN ADDLED, FUCKTARD HALFWIT thinks that a booking doesn't count when it's busy? THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF A BOOKING, YOU TWATS. It's like booking a hotel room in Melbourne during the Australian Open, getting there on the first weekend and being told "Oh no we don't have a room for you - it's very busy at the moment you know!"
THAT'S WHY I BOOKED, MORON.
See - anyone can just TAKE a reservation. You've got to learn how to HOLD the reservation.