History is full of epic battles. Gettysburg. Hastings. Waterloo. That time Twinkies almost ran out and people went full Nicolas Cage in supermarkets.
And now this: RuPaul's Drag Race episode 3, the meeting of the queens.
Kept in isolation chambers and forced to subsist solely on a diet of Tic Tacs and
RuPaul's new album up to this point, our two sets of queens are lean, mean and ready to attack each other on sight.
A bit like this, but less gay.
The 12 queens start to mingle for the first time and - whoops, looks like the library's opened early today! Let the reading begin:
"
Ben De La Creme looks like the Hamburglar's wife," snipes
Trinity K Bonet.
I would have also accepted: "Beetlejuice's wife", "Robin Thicke's wife" or "an optical illusion".
"
Laganja - irritating, young, foolish," snips
Bianca Del Rio.
Fortunately
Laganja can't hear her as she's too busy whipping her hair and shrieking "YAAAAS HONEY DARLING SUSHI ROLL SUSHI ROLL!"
"
Darienne, my god, there's room for everybody, let's just say that," snarks
Gia Gunn.
Frankly it's amazing there's room for anybody, what with
Gia's giant hula hoop handbag still in the room.
Meanwhile
Adore Delano rushes up to The Pride of Australia
Courtney Act to gush with her about both being former
Idol contestants.
"Oh, were you on season one?" blinks
Courtney.
Courtney Act brings SPF 500+ insults for MAXIMUM SHADE.
Gia Gunn tells
Courtney she "coughs like a man", which does not augur well for episode four's mini challenge: "coughing like Michelle Visage". Or maybe it does.
Then
Bianca calls
Gia "Kimora Lee Kardashian", which is even more accurate than
Trinity's Hamburglar call from earlier, and they have an argument about guns, so it's a bit like
Piers Morgan Live but with more glitter, and less arseholes.
According to
Vivacious "the cliques are tight, the bonding is done", so now the only option is all out, queen-on-queen war.
The Great Drag War of 1977 was not pretty. Many vets still have flashbacks.
I'm sure there are more jokes to be made here about arse-nals and privates and such, but this is a classy establishment so let's move on to the next discussion, which is about what
RuPaul has in store for the queens today.
"A She-Mail. And not the
Gia Gunn kind," snarks
Courtney, adding a beach umbrella to her SPF shadiness. Ain't no way this bitch is getting burnt this season.
Holy Trinity, what do you think of
Courtney's sass?
Jinkx took off half a point because she thought I said "ass".
As if by magic the TV splutters into life with a She-Mail, this time featuring
RuPaul doing an impression of classic 1983 horror film
Poltergeist. None of the queens seems to recognise the reference, probably because in 1983 they were either not born yet or doing something far more interesting than watching crap horror films.
Suddenly there's a piercing noise, forcing everyone to clutch at their ears. The windows start rattling, the wallpaper starts peeling off and dropping to the floor and the ground of the Werq Room opens up and swallows
Laganja whole (which is coincidentally something she's been wanting to experience for years) as the door swings open and...
"HALLELOO!"
Just kidding, it's just
RuPaul, who makes the queens double up and sit on each other. I dunno, it's either a mini challenge or they accidentally kept the cameras rolling on break time.
Whatever it is,
Adore and
Milk win it, so they get to pick their teams for the next group challenge - acting out a scene from a horror film.
Adore's scene is set in the 1980s, meaning it will be packed full of references half her team won't understand. Like "Delorean".
"What's a dollar rian?" says
Gia Gunn. "For all I know it's a fuckin' ancient dildo."
Behold, the Delorean. As impractical in ancient Greece as it is now.
Milk's scene is set in the 1960s, and features the roles of "scary head", which no one wants to play despite all of them having real life experience to draw on for the character.
Trinity is assigned the role of "Slutty Sally" and gets right into character, admitting she's "an acting virgin" and saying "if you have tips, swing them my way". Atta girl!
FRIGHT NIGHT FILM CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL:
*
Courtney Act does one of the worst English accents ever and ends up covered in blood. Is still amazing.
* Trinity K Bonet misinterprets the notion of "going back" to the 1960s, performs everything with her back to camera.
*
Milk goes full Norman Bates, manages to put the "hag" in "drag":
I LOVE her.
*
Adore Delano misses her cues and forgets both her lines and her name, making hers the most accurate portrayal of a 1980s movie star of all the queens.
* Bonus points to
Adore for using the phrase "I'M THE TEAM LEADER, AND EVERYTHING COMES ON MY BACK!"
*
Darienne Lake gives the best head of her life:
Why, what did you think I meant?
*
April Carrion interprets "butch lesbian" as "Gloria Estefan with a gland problem":
If the rhythm doesn't get you, April's rampant crotch will.
*
Vivacious and
Ben De La Creme look like Oprah and Bea Arthur's corpse decided to bake scones together:
"This flour blends right in, right?"
* And at one point,
Bianca Del Rio looks like this.
If that eyelash keeps quiet, it might just manage to escape her face.
Back in the Werq Room preparations are underway for Drag War III, which is looking ever more likely to kick off after
Trinity starts the "Battle of Beyonce".
"I would love to be Beyonce in Vegas," she sighs.
"Let's face it,
Trinity looks more like Sammy Davis Jr in a Beyonce wig," says
Bianca Del Rio, before mumbling a few more pieces of shade and then slamming her again for being sensitive.
"I'm not sensitive at all," shrieks
Trinity.
"Oh no, you're not sensitive - you're BEYONCE," slags
Bianca.
Bianca and her eye roll for President.
But enough of this war talk.
IT'S CATWALK TIME!
*
RuPaul's outfit is to DIE for. No, literally, it looks like she died for it - by being slashed across the middle with a machete.
Well, it fits the theme.
* Sick of being compared to
Ben De La Creme,
Michelle Visage has this week come dressed as
Vivacious from episode one.
Who wore it best?
* Special guest judge this week is
Game of Thrones star
Lena Headey, otherwise known as Cersei Lannister the evil queen, meaning for the first time in
Drag Race history
Michelle Visage isn't the biggest bitch on the panel. Congrats, Michelle!
*
Linda Blair from The Exorcist is also there. Meh, I only care if she's going to projectile vomit on someone.
* In keeping with the horror theme,
Bianca Del Rio looks drop dead gorgeous.
Bianca gets all the points.
* Also in keeping with the horror theme...
AAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHH.
*
Trinity K Bonet continues to lose her boring personality on the runway, turning out a fabulous shiny orange gown that I want to juice and drink for breakfast. Whatever that catwalk is made of, can we please bottle it and spray on her at the beginning of each episode?
* I'd love to tell you about The Pride of Australia
Courtney Act's gown but I was too busy saluting and singing the national anthem.
Courtney Act - she's girt by sequins.
* Meanwhile
Milk continues to be the queen I most want to go out and get drunk with by showing up dressed as Pinocchio auditioning for Hamlet.
It's a very specific look.
*
Darienne Lake dresses in a silver lame cape, resembles an actual lake.
*
Ben De La Creme dresses as a pink bunny girl. Looks hotter than a
Playboy.
*
April Carrion looks like someone who's just survived a hurricane by taking refuge in a raincoat factory.
April rains on her own parade.
*
Gia Gunn confuses "1980s horror film" with just "1980s film", dresses as an Oompa Loompa from
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:
Oompa loompa doompa-dee-doo, I don't think this outfit was wise, do you?
* Meanwhile, remember what I said about
Linda Blair projectile vomiting on someone?
I think she just did.
* Then we get to see the two scary movies the queens made earlier in the episode and honestly, they're terrible. Not because of their acting, just because they're legitimately terrible. Apart from the line "I'm not a virgin, I'm a vegan, keep up" which is moderately funny, it's five minutes of my life I won't get back.
Michelle's reaction sums it up, basically.
*
Milk's team is declared less terrible than
Adore's team, so they all bugger off backstage to drink
vodka whatever was leftover in
Ru's mini fridge from the Pit Crew party he had the night before.
*
Adore gets read the house down under the cement for screwing up the movie challenge, and for not cinching her waist.
Read her lips, Adore.
* Aaaand this happens:
Yeah, I don't know either.
There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Bob and Janice's Upholstery Services in Grand Forks, Minnesota. Who needs big name sponsors eh?
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a sample sachet of cherry Kool Aid, a bus ticket with one trip left on it and a half chewed bubblegum (grape flavour), before sending
April Carrion and
Vivacious into the bottom two to lip sync for their lives.
April hopes for Rihanna's "Umbrella" while
Vivacious prays for something by The Pointer Sisters, but they're both out of luck because it's some shit by Selena Gomez.
Vivacious tries her best, vogueing all over the place and trying not to poke herself in the eye, but it's all over for her as soon as
April sheds her gown to reveal a sequinned bikini.
Shantay,
April stays.
So
Vivacious, do you regret that outfit?
"This is my way of preserving the legacy of where I came from," she says.
Under the sea.
Now go forth and
READ EPISODE FOUR ... or jump in Gia's "Dollar rian" and
GO BACK TO READ EPISODE TWO
