Friday, May 23, 2014

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 6, Episode 14 (FINALE)

It's finally arrived. After 13 weeks, 14 queens, 31 sequinced gowns, 2096 diamantes, 10 teary breakdowns, 97 "oh-KURR"s and 342 near critical cases of side-eye this Drag Race is finally nearing the finish line, where it can look forward to a slice of orange and a vigorous rubbing in the warm down tents.

This year's grand finale spectacular was filmed in Los Angeles, but the LIVE screening and party is being held in Las Vegas, which is sort of like the geographical equivalent of RuPaul herself - glitzy, completely man made and powered by 28 million megawatts of electricity per year.

Forget Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, this is...

 THIS is destined to be the new cult classic.

Is your fridge stocked with beer? Have you got a freezer full of vodka? Is your ice luge nicely wetted up so your lips won't stick to it when you're doing naked tequila shots at 2am? No, not those lips... Anyway, excellent, because last week's drinking game rules are still in effect. Follow them to the letter, and by the end of the night you'll be a drag queen too!

Or you might GET dragged somewhere, because you can no longer walk. Same thing.

From the very first frame showing the outside of the theatre it's clear the producers have spared no expense for the big event:

"Hey Barry, we haven't got an apostrophe and these last two letters look a bit dodgy - should I spend $1.50 and get new ones?"
"What are we, made of money?!"

The rest of the budget has apparently gone on Michelle Visage's appearance fee, buying approximately 30 seconds of her time to do scintillating, in-depth red carpet interviews that go like this:

"Oh Scruff Pit Crew!"
"Bianca is a bad bitch!"
"Azusa represent!"

Wondering how to segue into the next segment, the producers do a whip-around and scrape together a final few bucks to get her to say "And now it's time to go inside the theatre!" and off we go backstage, where RuPaul is busy trying to secure Gillette as a replacement sponsor for Absolut:

I could watch this all day.

But forget all that, because it's show time! And in the time honoured tradition of Drag Races past we start proceedings by being forced to watch all the eliminated queens who we no longer care about about walk the runway as if they're still important.

IT'S FINALE CATWALK TIME!

* In an attempt to secure the online retailer as a new sponsor for season 7, all the queens have dressed for tonight's runway as "something hideous you can buy on Etsy".

* First up is Kelly Mantle who is introduced as "the Carol Burnett of drag", which is funny because I remember Carol Burnett being on TV for years and years and years, not just one episode.

She's come as this horrible "Tilda doll", just $37.33 plus shipping.

* Next up is everyone's least favourite queen Magnolia Crawford, who has stayed true to type by coming as this dog bandana:

So useful, and just $12.24.

* Moving on to Vivacious, who has wisely spent the weeks since being evicted off Drag Race trying to make "mother has arrived" a thing. It hasn't caught on. But she does look marvellous as a fashion accessory:

She's come as this ugly ass belt.

* Next is April Carrion, who I only remember for coming down the runway that one time with an umbrella and absolutely no one making an "April showers" joke. Disappointing. She's celebrating Etsy by dressing as this horrible My Little Pony doll, which is apparently called "Mummy Meadowsweet". If that's not an argument against Brony-ism I don't know what is.

And it's a steal at only... WHAT THE HELL? $83? ARE THEY SERIOUS?

* Moving right along to Gia "Boom Boom" Gunn, who is simply stunning in an haut couture tribute to this $11 dragon fantasy painting:

One second I'm crap art, then suddenly the crap art is me...

* "Who wants a tall glass of Milk?" booms Michelle Visage, and I literally have to run to the kitchen to get a glass of milk, because I am so suggestible like that. Meanwhile, in what is both a tribute to Etsy and a reminder to get enough calcium to support healthy bones, Milk has come dressed as this fancy walking stick cover:

For use in the gayest nursing home on earth.

* Moving right along to Laganja Estranja, who has decided to pay tribute to 1992 flop Bram Stoker's Dracula with an impersonation of this terrible bracelet featuring a portrait of Gary Oldman:

COME ON, HIDEOUS FAN JEWELLERY!

* Next down the runway is Trinity K Bonet, who has spent literally minutes spray painting some boobs on her dress in a nod to this stunning T shirt design:

Weirdly, the shitty T shirt looks more realistic.

* Then there's Joslyn Fox in a fashion representation of this chandelier:

Well, everyone always says she lights up a room...

* Not to be outdone in the illumination stakes, Ben De La Creme has shown up dressed as this scented candle:

She's a member of the Illuminati.

* Like those annoying people who refuse to buy more than one Halloween costume and so try and make the same damn outfit suit every party no matter what the theme, Darienne Lake has turned up in a sequinned dress and is all like "I dunno, I'm an ornament? Where's the bar?"

She's just a ball... of fun!

* Moving on to our final three with Adore Delano, who is living up to her reputation by dressing as this kind of cool but a bit cheap and ultimately useless shoe-shaped bottle holder:

Putting her best foot forward. 

* Not one to shy away from a challenge, Bianca Del Rio is sporting a stunning eveningwear tribute to this "contemporary chicken egg":

She cracks me up. No yolk.

* And bringing up the rear (not for the first time in her life) is The Pride of Australia Courtney Act, who is showing her affection for her new host country with a specially commissioned dress based on this photograph of a Savannah fishing trawler:

If you dangled Courtney off a boat for a few hours you'd catch yourself a delicious prawn dinner.

Meanwhile, look who's in the audience! It's Bland Canyon Holy Trinity member Jinkx Monsoon!

DRINK!

Suddenly the lights flicker, the speakers begin to crackle, and a hush comes over the auditorium. A spotlight floods the glittery curtain at the back of the stage, and everyone in the theatre drops to their knees and starts chanting "AUM NAMAH SHIVAYA" like that guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when he's about to have his heart ripped out and be thrown into the volcano. The chanting gets louder and louder and more and more frenzied as the lights begin to flash different shades of red, giving the impression of a theatre drenched in blood. Latrice Royale starts ripping the stuffing out of her seat cushion, climbing the walls and throwing it over the audience, while Jiggly Caliente sets fire to her own shoes and starts running down the aisle shrieking "TIS THE END OF DAYS!"

Meanwhile, back in Pittsburgh:

"Holy shit, this is the best episode ever!."

Suddenly the glittery curtains at the back of the stage being to quiver, then to shake, and then finally they part to reveal...


As RuPaul walks down the runway it quickly becomes obvious where this season's production budget has gone:

This explains all those crap mini challenges.

Meanwhile, fill 'er up:

That's right: I SEE EVERYTHING.

"This is the Oscars of drag, so before we go any further I wanna take a selfie,"says RuPaul.

Unfortunately it's not actually the Oscars, so there's no sponsorship deal and Milk has to use her own phone to take the shot.

"Oh shit, it's out of memory you guys. I'll have to delete some podcasts..."

How are you going so far? There's no way you're drunk yet, so here:

Make yourself one of these.

Now that we've watched all the queens we no longer care about sashay down the runway, it's time for the next inevitable part of the ceremony - hearing the queens we no longer care about talk to RuPaul. Expect lots of flashbackery and awkward, pre-prepared statements.

We begin with Kelly Mantle, who is once again reminded of the time she got read by Michelle Visage for wearing bacon on the runway and failed to deliver the best comeback ever, namely:

"I'd rather have bacon on my chest than a whole ham."
(Thank you)

And then there's Magnolia Crawford, famous for her bad attitude, terrible dress sense and incredible Mr Squiggle impersonation.

Sigh, I suppose I need to supply all you non-Australians with a pictorial reference for that joke. HERE.

"I was a little taken aback that my nose was so controversial," Magnolia says.

Meanwhile, beyond the grave...

"But at least now I can call myself MAG-NOSE-LIA!" she says.

At this point the official Drag Race tumbleweed is getting more work than Magnolia.

RuPaul laughs politely and is the only audible sound in the room, apart from the clinking of Michelle Visage's chest plates rubbing together.

"Now Magnolia, how many of the challenges would you have killed if you'd stayed on?" she asks.

"Well now... I... actually... I did not watch this season," stammers Magnolia.

Translation: "SAY WHAT, BITCH?"

It's an inflammatory admission to make at the grand finale, even more controversial than the time Sharon Needles painted herself in Marshmallow Fluff and temporarily changed her name to "N-Word Swastika" after a particularly enthusiastic PBR binge.

Fire and brimstone begins raining down from the ceiling and a giant crack opens up in the floor, releasing the hounds of hell riding a tsunami of molten lava as the audience erupts into a violent frenzy, shrieking "I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DIDN'T WATCH IT!". RuPaul lifts a single finger and a thousand tiny demons rush the stage, poking Magnolia with miniature pitchforks as she cries rivers of blood wailing "WHAT HELL HATH I WROUGHT?"

"SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!"

"Hold on! In my defence, in my mind I had a very good experience, despite the way anything came across I had a fantastic time and I just wanted to remember it as MY experience," Magnolia says.

"Seriously?"

"I am not buying that. Kelly, talk to her because I am over it, OFFICIALLY," says RuPaul, dismissing Magnolia with a wave of her hand.

Just a single flash of RuPaul's teeth is enough to incapacitate a dwarf.

As the paramedics strap Magnolia to a gurney and wheel her off, RuPaul turns her attention to Vivacious, who has decided to use the Drag Race finale as the official public launch of her new country, the United Soviet States of Ornacia (DRINK), by coming dressed as its flag:

Werqers of the world, unite!

"Old school way is old school way, honey, we gon' walk it and give you hips for yo nerve, we're gonna sissy it and chasse and shantay right down the runway, honey," says Vivacious.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the stage:

"OK 'hips for yo nerve', 'sissy it'... dammit, I wish I'd brought my notepad.."

Then there's April Carrion, showing off photos of what she would have worn for the various challenges if she'd stayed on the show, including her impression of a pregnant Kim Kardashian for the Snatch Game:

Yeah I dunno, Gia pretty much nailed this. I mean, she had that sign and everything.

Meanwhile, backstage our three finalists are waiting in something called the "Overstock Red Room", which looks like something you'd see on Changing Rooms just before the owners walk in and look around awkwardly, wondering how long it will take them to get it back the way it was.

Obviously they've been overstocked since 1997, when this decor was last in fashion.

But who the hell cares about them when back on the main stage, THE ORNACIA DANCERS HAVE ARRIVED:

DRINK, obviously. Probably a whole bottle. With a chaser. Two chasers. Look, just drink whatever you've got left - it's an adbreak now, you can go get more.

"We are just moments away from finding out who will be crowned America's Next Drag Superstar," says RuPaul, who is approximately 40 minutes away from crowning a winner. So basically if RuPaul ever asks you for a moment of your time, clear your schedule.

Gia Gunn is next on the interview stool, not that she can actually sit on it properly because of her crazy dress:

At least now we know what happened to that hula hoop handbag.

And then there's Milk, who has killed me stone dead with her drop dead glamour dress from Planet Amazeballs, so much so that I don't even mind when she boasts: "Both women and men tell me how hot I am and how much they want to sleep with me".

Inner dialogue, L-R: "All Stars season 2, All Stars season 2, All Stars season 2..."
"Hey Courtney, I really like your eyes. No, that's terrible. Hey Courtney, busy tonight? Ugh, why is this so hard?!"
"YEAH, THEY ALL WANT YOU NOW, BUT IT WON'T LAST."
Also: DRINK.

Then all of a sudden a piercing shriek comes over the audio system, and:

DRINK ONE THOUSAND DRINKS.

That siren call can only mean one thing: it's Laganja's time in the spotlight!

"You were called out by the judges and the other girls for being fake, do you agree with that?" RuPaul asks.

"Well no girl, I honestly just think y'all were all boring and I was just trying to turn the party, yes GAWD!" she hollers, with a tongue pop.

Now please raise a glass to the best reaction shot ever:

Either Michelle's botox just kicked in, or she's rented a Real Doll to use as a seat warmer while she ducks out to the bar.

Meanwhile, I hope whoever wins this thing donates some of the prize money to Trinity K Bonet. Poor thing can't even afford boobs, she has to paint them on with eyeshadow. Seriously girl, I've seen more realistic looking tits on the side of a Sandman. 

Even Lajanga is like "And they call ME fake?"

Then, after 13 weeks of a show about drag queens which features drag queens walking around being drag queens, the producers decide it's necessary to explain to the audience what drag is with a neat little video which includes lines like "drag is punk", "drag is never having to say you're sorry" and "drag is politically incorrect".

Er, just... no one mention this, OK?

Suddenly everyone stands up, holds hands and starts singing a song about togetherness and love, and there are karaoke lyrics on the bottom of the screen which aren't at all helpful because who the hell has ever heard this song before? Which, by the way, is TERRIBLE.

But then they sing this bit and all is forgiven.

Moving on to the next round of interviews, starting with Joslyn Fox, who is part way through replacing her favourite diamante necklace with another, which she is buying one strand at a time on lay-by.

In three years it'll be back to its original glory.

Then there's Ben De La Creme and Darienne Lake, who explains their non-existent feud for the three people in the audience who still care about it.

"It's not always about having great times, it's about having those times that you need to struggle through," she says.

Which is coincidentally exactly what Australia's Prime Minister told the nation when he delivered the budget last week.

"It's all water under a duck's back, or whatever that phrase is," says De La.

"YES, I'm still relevant!"
PS: DRINK.

 Meanwhile, back in the share house from 1998:

Yep, it's still ugly.

Are you drunk yet? No, me neither. RuPaul hasn't even said "oh no she better don't" ONCE. Let's make a new rule - drink every time there's a totally irrelevant dance break.

Oh, would you look at that!

This is still better than anything they did at the Oscars.

Suddenly the glittery curtain at the back of the stage starts to shimmer and shake: our top three have finally been released from the red room of hell and are ready to take their revenge on the audience.

"Oh, did I not forward you that memo about the black sequins? Sorry bout it."

Adore sings a little number about being a top singer. Courtney sings a bit about being a top singer. Then Bianca starts shouting and everyone forgets there are two other finalists.

"Like you two ever topped anybody before! I'm Bianca and I could give a shit about your runs! I could read your ass to the bank and back for fun! I can't motherfuckin' sing but I'm in the motherfuckin' top three, motherfucker!" she shouts.

This girl isn't feeling it. Janice Dickinson next to her loves it though. 

Sensing an overload of joy and happiness in the room, RuPaul announces she's going to drive the final nail in the coffin of Laganja and Adore's ailing friendship by showing everyone what happened when they watched THAT episode of Untucked together, the highlights of which are:

"You can say that aaaaaaaaall this is fake. But it's REAL, BITCH."


"I still have your back, even though I hear... THINGS."

Basically, this entire three minutes can be summed up by smacking yourself in the face, spraying vinegar in your eyes, yelling pointlessly at something (like, say, a miniature statue or tomato plant) and staring at the following:

This basically sums it up.

Time for some "fan questions from the audience". Unfortunately, the audience is so full of former contestants and media types there isn't any room for actual fans, and an awkward silence falls over the auditorium as everyone struggles to come up with a question better than "When does the after party start and does it have an open bar?"

The producers quickly scramble to get the Ornacia Dancers back on stage to do a 10 minute tribute to the history of drag, but fortunately Latrice Royale jumps up to the microphone just in time to ask Adore whether she has a crush on Bianca.

"I would never sleep with her because I only give to charity once a year," says Bianca, a comment of such superior shade it causes Adore to do an impromptu impression of a puppet for no reason at all.

Everybody loves puppets!

Next up to the microphone is your next alcoholic drink:

HIYEEE.

"I have a Facebook question," says Alaska. "How can I unfriend Sharon Needles?"

No actually she doesn't ask that, she asks Gia Gunn about her wonky eyelash, which is a tad weird for a segment that's supposed to be about the three finalists but it does raise the question: WHERE THE HELL IS SHARON?

"Wait, I have to clear ALL the jelly?"

Then Joslyn's fiance gets up and asks her to marry him.

So just to recap, in the "fan questions for the final three" segment we've heard from Adore, Bianca, Gia Gunn and Joslyn.

I can't help but feel someone is missing out...

No time to wonder about that now - it's time for the gayest wedding of the year between Joslyn Fox and her fiance, with RuPaul as celebrant and the Scruff Pit Crew as ring bearers.

I mean, they're not baring their rings here, but they will later.

There's a little bit of confusion as Joslyn's beau tries and fails to find a bare finger to put her wedding ring on, eventually pinning it to her wig.

"I now pronounce you MARRIED!" says RuPaul, before adding "Suck on THAT, Grammys!"

Meanwhile, it looks like that experimental Russian leg lengthening surgery has worked wonders for Christina Aguilera...

Although it's possible she's gone a little TOO far...

No wait, that's actually last year's Miss Congeniality winner and professional stilt-walker Ivy Winters come to hand over her crown to Ben De La Creme. That's nice.

Moving on, and apparently it's time to meet our top three. Again. Here look, I'll make this easy: Adore's the punky party girl, Bianca's the wise cracking professional and... who's the other one again?

OH THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY THE PRIDE OF AUSTRALIA COURTNEY ACT, WHO HASN'T HAD ANY GOD DAMN SCREEN TIME THIS ENTIRE EPISODE.

Just to recap: we're 45 minutes in and the only thing that's come out of Courtney's mouth has been some carbon dioxide.

"Seriously you guys, if I don't get to say something soon my voice box is going to atrophy."

Adore talks for about 10 minutes about... oh I dunno, winning or some shit, before RuPaul finally gives everyone playing the Bland Canyon drinking game a chance to tone down their sobriety by bringing her dancers back on for a routine to the worst Drag Race spin-off single of all time, "Oh No She Better Don't". Double drinks for irrelevant dancing and annoying catchphrase.

Over to Bianca, who cracks some jokes and does a brilliant Lady Bunny impression, getting an ecstatic reaction from the crowd including from this guy, wearing the most spectacular sequinned jumper the world has ever seen:

No sir, it is WE who should be applauding YOU.
UPDATE!: Wanna know more about this jumper? Read all about it here!

"It's time to finish our lesson in the A B Cs of drag - and I think we all know what the C word is," says RuPaul, in what would normally be a funny way of introducing Courtney but given she's been actively prevented from saying anything for the past hour actually seems a bit like adding insult to injury.

"Was this competition extra pressure for you, because you were already a star down under?" asks RuPaul.

"I HAVE A STAR DOWN UNDER! I PAID MY WAXER EXTRA FOR IT!" yells Khloe Kardashian, stumbling in from the lobby bar.

"Um, when do I get to talk?"

"Did you learn anything from this competition?" RuPaul asks.

"I learned a lot. Australians do have a very blunt, kind of honest sense of humour," Courtney says.

"There's a lot of times when I thought I was being helpful, and I watched it back and was all 'ooh, did she just say that?'."

At this, all the other queens spontaneously break into a group impression of a stone wall:

Darienne is obviously the foundation stone.

As an Australian who has lived in the States I can confidently say: COURTNEY GIRL, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I can't even tell you the number of times I absolutely horrified Americans with what I thought were benign jokes or observations. Americans and Aussies are, as they say in South East Asia, "same same, but different". Pour one out for our awkward relationship.

"I'm definitely learning to chip away that cold, Australian exterior," Courtney says.

Er, sure... because we Australians are famous for our cold, hard, unwelcoming nature.


Well OK, THAT one is.

More irrelevant dancing - DRINK - and finally it's time to crown a winner. FINALLY.

"We are just moments away from crowning America's next drag superstar," says RuPaul, who last said those exact words over an hour ago.

"But first..."

DRINK A TRIPLE.

If we're going to hold up proceedings it might as well be for Drag Race's reigning queen and official member of the Bland Canyon Holy Trinity Jinkx Monsoon, who is supporting RuPaul's Etsy sponsorship bid by coming dressed as this edible gum sculpture of the Statue of Liberty:

In a sense, both are actually edible.

Jinkx tells everyone about all the fabulous things she's done since winning last year's crown, including touring her stage show The Vaudevillians (I saw it, it's honestly amazing, and I drank Grey Goose with her in a nightclub afterwards, so it was basically the greatest night ever and you should go see the show if you get a chance) (not sure if the vodka is part of the show though) (it's probably not) (go anyway).

"Well the wait is over, kittens," says RuPaul, before blathering on about something else for another five minutes.

"The time has come to crown our queen," she says again, and then goes off on a tangent about prizes or her shopping list or something, I don't know.

I'd say the audience is getting restless, but they're actually getting plenty of rest.

"The winner... of RuPaul's Drag Race... America's next drag superstar... is..." says RuPaul, trying to maintain the tension in the room.

Yeah, just crown this shit so we can all go have a drink.

Oh OK, it's Bianca Del Rio.

Der.

They had to give her the prize; they couldn't afford the bond if rioters tore the theatre down. 

And so the time has come to say goodbye to Drag Race, and leave our new queen and overlord Bianca Del Rio to the spoils of her new kingdom (namely: free drinks and blowjobs for at least the next 12 months).

It's been a fun 14 weeks, staying up until 3am making GIFs of drag queens falling over and trying to come up with jokes about RuPaul looking like various homewares. Now please excuse me while I go and quietly faint in a corner under a pile of wigs.

If I happen to lose my sanity at some point over the next few months, be sure to join me when I recap ALL STARS II, aka: THE SEASON OF ALASKA.

Want to go back in time to the worst episode of the whole season? Sure, READ EPISODE 13.

Or start the whole shebang over again from the beginning: READ EPISODE 1.



30 comments :

  1. your reviews... they're just so sickening.
    I. love. it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Everything about you and these recaps make life worth living.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So is Bianca going to join the Holy Trinity is some capacity? as Empress? or Zeus? or Buddha? I think she's earned it, don't you?

    Great reviews as always! That episode was way way too long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many people have asked me this... I'll definitely have to consider it.

      Delete
  4. Thank you so much for your recaps. I live for them!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my heavens. I JUST found your blog. This recap was beyond. BEYOND!

    I'm DYING with laughter, and I'm getting ready to lose an afternoon in your archives. :-D Thanks for writing such a fantastic recap!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hilarious as always! I'd totally drink Grey Goose with you if I met you at a bar. Hell I'd even wear a wig and a dress if that improved my chances of hanging out with you :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wigs and vodka always improve chances of hanging out with me.

      Delete
  7. I've read every episode you've recapped this season, and I love your sense of humor. Thank you for the laughs this season :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sad your reviews are over until the next season.

    Please, please, please go back and review previous seasons

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh bless! I'd love to actually, I feel like watching Sharon and Alaska/Jinkx's seasons again.

      Delete
  9. Do you think you'd ever consider recapping America's next top model? That show is seriously lacking in the sarcastic observation department.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to recap Australia's Next Top Model every year, and then last year ditched it after a few episodes... I think I might be bored with the format...

      Delete
  10. Haha your recaps are great, I'll deffo comback for All Stars II!!

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  11. WERK! I read all of these recaps back to back and girrrrrl, your reading is FUNdamental! I particularly liked the Joey Jeremiah reference AND that I wasn't the only one thinking Courtney got limited screen time. You hardly saw her during the Oh No She Better Don't and Snatch game episodes! Look forward to your recaps of AllStars 2 . . . hopefully Foxtel fast tracks the series so I don't get spoilered.

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  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  15. Soooo looking forward to the Season 7 recaps! :D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Bad friend sez-
      WELL... let me tell you Mr Agent AdamsJohnson- Illuminatii, I went to your site and what did I find?
      Pictures of grumpy cat , soft core porn and recipes!
      Biscuit recipes! And not nice bickies either, horrible ones like you get in cheap hotels. And your free car was just an old clunky billy-cart sprayed with gold paint and stickers of Darryl and Ozzie.
      But I persevered any way and did the personality test ( I'm an anxious perfectionist apparently) sent some pictures of me with a bucket on my head and lo and behold, guess who got an invite to the Illuminatii Headquarters in Mount Gambier?
      It took me ages to find. And when I did it was not what I expected.
      What a dump!! Green painted concrete drive way, really? And who forgot to take out the bins?
      There I met your rich and famous "friend". He sure likes feet doesn't he?
      "You can be part of the Illuminatii" he says " just walk on me a little" he says.
      Now that was an hour I prefer to forget. But my toenails look stunning in their new coat of polish he put on. He's good at that. I didn't think "Mahogany Nights" would suit but there you go.
      Then in walks Bronwynn Bishop with a plate of saveloys and a glass of Pims!
      After kicking your "friend" a couple of times we went to the Secret Illuminatii Room/basement.
      Here I learned the secret hand shake and met the other Illuminatii. Patsy Biscoe was there , the guy who played C3PO, the drag queen Serena Chacha, Don Burke and the Octomum. I was also very surprised to see the reanimated corpse of Billy McMahon having a twerk.
      And all we talked about, ALL we talked about was you, agent AdamsJohnson, and your personal hygiene issues. I mean come on , use toothpaste! Soap! Toilet paper! You really are a disappointment you know. By the way ,they all hate your new girlfriend , she drinks too much ,lacks manners and at every Illuminatii meet she sings show tunes, badly.
      And another thing , we all know that you are having a few problems at the moment but you really need to pull your weight. Who didn't take out the bins last week? It was you, wasn't it.
      Patsy was most annoyed.
      Any way I'm in the Illuminatii now and I received my weekly $3.45 ( you sure did exaggerate, didn't you? Millions of dollars -gahh!)
      And my free subscription to TV week, coloring book and jar of Pablo coffee. Tomorrow I'm off to Mildura to discuss the New World Order with Gina Reinhardt, Anton Enus and Flava Flav. Very posh. (Tho apparently the only way to get a drink out off Gina is to stick two fingers down her throat.)
      By the way, don't worry about next week's Illuminatii hoedown and barbecue at the town hall , we were double booked with the Glenelg Lady Players version of 'Cats'and unfortunately lost our deposit for some reason.

      Delete
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