Thursday, October 02, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 21: The Finale

Pour one out for The Daters everyone - it's time to say goodbye.

Yes, after 20 episodes (that's about 200 minutes, or a little over three hours) (Christ, it felt longer than that), dozens of awkward dates, lots of drunken dancing and approximately 3700 sequences of people slamming shots (at a conservative estimate), we've arrived at the final installment of this enlightening peek into the lives of Australia's 20-something singletons.

And what have we learned?

That they're annoying, mostly.


To celebrate no longer having their lives aired on national television and then turned into GIFs and dissected by me, our Daters have jumped in a booze bus and headed straight to wine country. Because there's no better way to celebrate being single and alone than being surrounded by gallons of pinot grigio.

And even though you can't get tequila shots at a winery they're all really looking forward to it.

Burgo says he's enjoyed sharing his dating experiences with the other five on the show.

"And also with the people watching it, either identifying with it or feeling sympathy for you," he says.

Or laughing at you. Don't forget that.


"Yeah, I have completely changed as a person in the last three months," says Courteney, who wears a different colour lipstick now.

Oh, and also she's now a lesbian.

Chardy firmly in hand, the group sits down to discuss how far they've all come over the course of the show. Which is to say, not very far at all.

Although Sooz has developed the ability to colour match her sunglasses and lipstick, so that's something.

"Isn't it interesting, we've been doing this for four months now and out of all of us it's only the three girls who are now in committed situations," says Courteney.

Er, yeah. Real surprising.

Having not been present at last week's infamous traffic light party, which turned out to be a bit more of a rainbow light party in the end, Burgo and Sooz know nothing of Courteney's new found admiration for kd Lang and so begin quizzing her about her new "boyfriend".

Meanwhile Johnny and John are all like "Yeah Courteney, tell us about your new BOYFRIEND..."

"Is he handsome? Does he have a beard? Is he super manly? TELL US ALL ABOUT HIM."

"Well... her name's Jess..." says Courteney.

Look out for Sooz's new range of "it's a girl" baby greeting cards - they spit wine over you when you open them.

Courteney goes on to talk about her new girlfriend Jess, who is "so different to anyone I've ever dated before".

She's right, you know.
(PS: what's "too rude for Google"? I'm glad you asked.) 

"SO WHAT'S THE DEAL, ARE YOU BI?" says Burgo, cutting right to the chase, before adding "AND CAN I JOIN IN?"

"I MEAN, PHYSICALLY AND SEXUALLY YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THIS GIRL, RIGHT?" he continues.

Christ Burgo, what do you want, a diagram?

Here you go.

"As a joke, Courteney met this person, and it has turned into something that is so much more than a joke," Johnny explains.

I guess means that Courteney's new lesbian relationship is REALLY funny. Like, more than a joke. That's what he meant, right?

"Now she's in this place where she has a connection with another human being that she doesn't even know what to think of, and she's being very open minded, and she's discovered the most about herself," Johnny continues, tears welling in his eyes as he simultaneously accepts his Emmy for Best Actor in a Reality Series.

Deeper than I ever felt before.

Meanwhile, Burgo is uncharacteristically wallowing in sadness at having failed to get a girlfriend. PSYCH! He does that all the time.

"I've failed everything my whole life, like, I failed school," he says, which coincidentally is one of his many unsuccessful pick up lines.

Everyone agrees Burgo hasn't "put himself out there" enough during the series, which is possibly a good thing as I think it's illegal to do that in public, let alone on a national TV show.

"I don't think you can have a relationship with someone else if you're not sure about yourself," says Courteney, who is still undecided about whether she is straight, gay or bisexual.

John, meanwhile, is happy to remain single for the time being.

"It sounds selfish, but I just want some 'me time'," he says.

Yes John, that is basically the dictionary definition of selfish.

What about Anna? The last time we saw her she announced to everyone she had a boyfriend - and precisely no one gave a toss because Courteney had just told everyone she was gay. Oh well.

"It seems like there's been a couple of men interested - and why wouldn't they be? You've got great eyes and a great chest," says Burgo, exhibiting the subtle charm he is known for.

Anna is, of course, thrilled at this observation.

Anna tells everyone her boyfriend is skinny, and she didn't like the look of him when they first met. So she's probably single again now. Congrats, Anna!

Moving on to Sooz, who is getting serious enough with her new beau Jack that she admits they've talked about moving in together, and having a family one day. That's nice.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to leave this here:

Those who know me will understand this is a compliment of the highest order.

Suddenly everyone starts planning Sooz's non-existent wedding: Anna the jeweller offers to make the rings, Burgo says he'll MC and Courteney offers to do an interpretive dance.

So Sooz's wedding will probably be even more of a car crash than this.

It seems all this wine talk of marriage has gotten to Sooz, who deftly reaches out and snatches Johnny's Emmy away.

Oi Johnny, watch how it's done.

By now they're at the fourth winery and about the 15th bottle, so when the sommelier comes out to pour tastings and explain the variety they're drinking you just want to yell "FORGET IT MATE, THEY'RE A LOST CAUSE".

Sadly, no one does, and so we welcome to the stage...

...the Unimpressed Passive Aggressive Sommelier!

"This wine doesn't have that rich buttery consistency, because it only undergoes 50 per cent malolactic fermentation," says the UPAS.

"I love a good old malolactic fermentation," says Burgo The Smart Arse.

"That one goes well with the brie," says the UPAS, studiously ignoring him.

"I love a bit of brie," says Burgo.

"You seem to love a lot of things," snips the UPAS, growing more U by the minute.

Actual still from show.

"Yeah I do. Malo-folac-ticky, gastronomicky is my favourite though," says Burgo, upping the Smart Arsery by a factor of 10.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE OVER MY JOB?" asks the UPAS through gritted teeth, silently willing them all to die of alcohol poisoning.

"No. Although I do need a job, actually," says Burgo.

Game, set, match - Burgo.

The intelligence festival continues as Sooz admits to everyone she thought a "wine flight" meant drinking wine on a helicopter.

"I sent a friend an email saying 'does a wine flight involve a helicopter because if so I can't go because I get really motion sick'," she says.

Just pour another one and shut up, Sooz.

Maybe it's the wine, maybe it's all the talk of motion sickness, but all of a sudden Sooz admits she's in love, proper capital L LOVE with Jack - and that he's in love with her too.

"I love him and he loves me too, so it's good," she beams through happy tears.

Oh.

Well.

That's just.

I mean.

Excuse me, there's something in my eye.

Courtney's a lesbian, Anna's shacked up, Sooz is in love. COULD THERE BE A MORE PERFECT END TO THIS SHOW?

:(

THE END.

Can't get enough? Go back and READ EPISODE 20 again, it'll tide you over until next season.



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