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Sequins, spray tans and sex - it's season 3 of the world's stupidest dating show.
YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season seven recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
No wonder whoever it is keeps ruining the muffins if they're cooking in the dark. Seriously.
***WATCH this episode online here***
Anyway on to the new episode which, due to everyone else being busy this week, is all about Courteney.
I suppose that's marginally better than the alternative plan, which was just to show 10 minutes of this:
Because it's been eight weeks since anyone last heard from Courteney, she has to introduce herself again - she's 23, single and a dancer, and has been on three dates on Tinder.
"I actually don't reckon I'd call them dates now that I think about it. It's more been just like... hanging out," she says.
Courteney's first date was "boring", she says, because he didn't say anything all night while she was left to do all the talking.
Her second date was better ("he was so gentlemanly, he opened doors for me, picked me up, paid for dinner") and her third was just OK ("he had a weird sense of humour").
Now she's off on a blind date, and... OH MY GOD, COULD IT BE?
As it turns out Courteney's date is not a blindfolded female baker but a rather trendy looking bloke with very short hair on the sides, who takes her go-karting. It is unclear whether they will be ruining muffins in the dark at any stage.
Before they hit the track the go-kart manager runs them through the rules, which are basically the same as rules for blind dates in general: "No bumping, and if you crash raise one arm and somebody will come out and see to you".
Trendy Bloke seems quite impressed with Courteney, even after it becomes obvious that she has no concept of either helmets ("Is my face going to squish?") or cars ("Which one is the accelerator and the brake again?").
But how does Courteney feel about him? What's her ideal man look like?
"I like tall, olive skin, nice eyes, good teeth," she says.
It's yet to be seen whether Trendy Bloke is a Melbourne Cup chance but he seems to be pulling all the right moves, admitting to Courteney that he Googled "contemporary dance" to learn more about what she does.
"It's like, a lot to do with ballet, and falling to the ground movements and ground stuff, so I've got it all down pat," he says.
"He's probably not someone I would have normally gone on a date with, he's not someone I would have approached at a bar," Courteney says of her blind date, even though he looks exactly how she described her perfect man earlier.
"Of course I gave him my phone number," she says later.
"I think stepping out of your comfort zone is important."
Just a reminder:
Now go on and READ EPISODE NINE when Burgo uses some sexual innuendo (possibly "hot dog" again) and Johnny makes ABC viewers long for the return of Backchat by using the term "chucked and f***ed".
Or go back in time and READ EPISODE SEVEN again.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
This week we ponder the question: IS JOHN IN LOVE?
We kick off at the radio station where Burgo works (EDIT: damn, life moves fast), where he's busy organising something called the "Tinderella Ball" - some sort of hideous promotional event where single listeners can get together and drink cheap booze and ignore each other to spend the night flicking through Tinder, probably.
Next thing you know we're at the ball and it is PUMPING. Bright young things are swanning around in short skirts, awkward looking blokes in Myer men's department T-shirts are standing around with shifty eyes, and Burgo is counting down the minutes until he can go home.
It's also really great to see they've opened up the event to non-straight singles as well.
Aussie John is also there, as is a disembodied voice who asks him whether he has spotted any attractive women yet. (Perhaps it is the voice of his heart, longing to be set free on a sea of emotion.)
"Yeah," he says hesitantly.
"Oh look ALL ladies are good looking like, come on, let's be fair."
Joining him are Johnny, who is pointedly ignoring everyone in leggings, and Anna, who is trying out a new move she learned at the "How To Impress A Guy From Across The Dancefloor" one day course at the WEA:
And also Courteney:
John starts talking yet again about his amazing date with the hot chick that ticked his box that we spent all of last episode vaguely hearing about.
"I put myself out there and told her that I really, really like her, so I don't know if I've cooked my own duck," he says, displaying either a very weird understanding of modern dating rituals, or a very tenuous grasp of the English language.
Suddenly the floor begins to tremble, the walls start shaking, the lights flicker, and without warning a sound unlike anything anyone has ever heard before fills the room...
I'm not sure what she said, I was too busy checking all the appliances in my house trying to work out what the noise was.
Anyway it's still unclear what John has or hasn't done to his duck, but what is obvious is that he's still clinging to the idea of being Mr Single.
"If this girl had entered my life 12 months down the line, I'd have a girlfriend right now, I wouldn't be here," he says, revealing what appears to be a very sophisticated understanding of Parallel Universe Theory.
"Every time I think about her, I get a little bit of pep," he continues.
Suddenly there's another momentous occasion to celebrate: WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO SEE JOHN GO ON A DATE.
Yes, it only took seven episodes, but "The Daters" has finally got some footage of an actual date. Someone crack the champagne. No wait, don't. It's the ABC, they can't afford it.
So off we go to John's house where he is busy ironing a shirt for the big night.
"You don't often see plumbers ironing shirts, but I don't want to look like a scrubber," he says.
Next thing you know we're at a fancy restaurant, meeting the object of John's affections. She is good looking, smart, straight talking - a complete catch. He seems genuinely smitten.
Luckily all this niceness is broken up by lots of accidental innuendo over the dessert, such as John sticking his spoon into a souffle and gasping "it's still warm!" followed by her exclaiming "you know you just want to scoop it all up!"
She declares him one of the best dates she's had. He declares her "faultless" and "perfect" and that he "really, really likes her".
Then says he's not ready for a relationship.
Now READ EPISODE EIGHT when Courteney progresses to stage two of her character development: talking for longer than five seconds.
Or go back and READ EPISODE SIX again.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Sooz asks John what he would do if he met a girl he really liked. Would he let the relationship go further, or would he call it off?
"This chick ticks a lot of boxes for me. She's attractive... Well, she's not attractive, she's hot. I'm really looking forward to it," he says.
As usual we don't get to see the chick or the date, because this is a show called "The Daters" and blah blah grumble grumble whatever.
Instead we get to see John go on a man date with Burgo and Johnny. It's a Saturday night in the city, and everyone is out to have a good time - stylish couples walking hand in hand, sharp dressed bartenders shaking cocktails in the neon-lit windows of trendy bars, and this girl in an alleyway taking the concept of the "selfie" to an epic new level:
On the way, in the back of the cab, John tells the lads about the hot chick who ticked his box, or whatever.
"It was one of the best dates I've ever been on," he tells them.
"Did you shag her?" asks Johnny, who is immediately handed his 2014 Gentleman of the Year award.
John says he did not, but that they'd had "a great kiss", the conversation flowed and "she took the piss out of me", which is probably better than her taking the conversation out of him while the piss flowed.
"I could really, really date this girl and I'd be as happy as a pig in shit," he says, and is immediately invited to be president of the Rostrum Association for Eloquent Speakers. He puts the application form in his pocket for later consideration.
"I've never felt this in my life before about someone that I've only just met. I certainly didn't see this coming, but it has and I don't know what to do," he says.
You want to know what to do, John? GO OUT WITH YOUR MATES TO A CLUB WITH A STRIPPER POLE INSIDE AND DO THIS, OVER AND OVER AND OVER:
Unfortunately however, it seems the only other people who want to go to a club with a stripper pole in it are single men. SURPRISE.
"It's like a man sausage sizzle in here," says John.
"It's fucken Dick Fest 2014," spits Johnny, with more venom than you would expect for someone who might actually buy tickets to an event called Dick Fest 2014.
They leave the bar and progress to lesson two in "How to impress women": drunkenly shouting and imitating strippers in the street. This move is apparently called "the slutdrop":
It's quite clear that by this stage John is completely paro, so when he admits to camera that he is now "eating his words" over shunning relationships, it would probably be better for everyone if he actually just ate a kebab.
"When a chick comes into your life, and you... she... literally takes your breath away... you can't ignore that," he says.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Sooz is quite enthused about a bloke she met a few weeks ago who was "lovely and cute and funny and interesting"...
"We had a good pash," she says.
Suddenly an ad for Australia's Most Wanted comes on - looks like it'll be a super creepy episode about a serial killer who torments his victims with YouTube videos shot in hyper close-up and... Hang on, I thought they didn't have ads on the ABC?
It's Burgo's "date vlog", in which he details his latest romantic escapade. And he makes sure to point out his date was "with a girl", just in case you were wondering whether the bloke who wears crumpled shirts and thongs to fancy restaurants was gay.
His date apparently involved going out for dessert ("which I love") and going for a walk on the beach ("which I hate").
Aussie John makes a brief appearance to say he went on a date that "was not overly good" (thanks for painting us a word picture, mate) and then Courtney shows up for her allotted 11 seconds of screen time, which the producers make sure she doesn't exceed by sticking a timer in the corner.
Back to Burgo, who is still moaning about having had to walk along a beach instead of being carried by rickshaw or midgets on rollerskates.
"Who does exercise on a date, really?" he sighs.
But enough of all of that - this episode belongs to Sooz (I know this, because it's in the title), and she's explaining her single predicament.
"As a 33-year-old woman I think I need to be OK with the idea of being by myself, on the off chance that I actually don't find somebody I can spend the rest of my life with," she says, in between shots of her punching the living shit out of her gym trainer.
We don't actually get to see their date (what do you think this is, a show called "The Daters" or something?).
Instead we're treated to a time lapse video of a soy latte being drunk which, to be fair, is still more interesting than anything Courtney's done so far.
Fortunately we're spared a bad re-enactment a la episode four; instead Sooz breaks it down for us post-date, gushing about Jack who is "so funny and so interesting and such a gentleman and just charming and really sexy".
Anyway she's all set to go on another date with Good Pash Jack the Dream Man from Fantasytonia when she's struck down with flu and condemned to bed. It took five episodes, but we finally got one of our Daters into bed. Hooray!
Now go on and READ EPISODE SIX when Aussie John goes on a date (no, really?) and Courtney battles for screen time against a banana smoothie.
Or you can go back in time and READ EPISODE FOUR again.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
See if you can work out what Johnny and Anna are talking about from these two out-of-context quotes that kick off the episode:
JOHNNY: "Everybody is on it, so it makes dating in your pocket!"
ANNA: "As soon as I did it, I think I sat there for about two hours just going 'nope, nope, nope'!"
Are they talking about:
a) New pocket-sized sex toy "the jackrabbit";
b) Viagra; or
c) Dating app Tinder?
Yes, we have once again turned to the pastime du jour of today's disaffected single youth: listlessly shopping for a root on one's smartphone. Tinder is the way everyone meets now; young people don't go out to bars looking for a shag anymore. Well OK, they do, it's just that when they get there everybody's on Tinder.
Resident gay Johnny admits he has been "kind of addicted" to Tinder, while glamazon Anna has been less involved, doing a bit of flirting but not going on any actual dates yet. This is possibly because she looks like a slapper in her profile photo - at least according to Johnny, who takes one look and gasps: "That looks like a girl going to HQ!"
Non Adelaideans should note that HQ is the sort of nightclub where one might drink Jaegerbombs while dancing to Jason Derulo and wondering how to get the DJ to notice your lower back tattoo.
Burgo agrees that Anna's photos are not up to scratch, declaring her "better in real life" - unlike the device he bought online from Japan that one time.
However fellow lady daters Sooz and Courteney think Anna's photos are "cute".
It's the classic male/female divide on aesthetics. It's a fairly complicated dichotomy, let me break it down for you:
"Are you trying to pick up women, or are you trying to pick up men?" asks Johnny, who it has to be said is not really an authority on either activity.
"Do we think Anna needs to show off some 'assets' in this Tinder profile?" asks Burgo, to a resounding "no" from all those in the room without a Y chromosome.
"Every time I've had cleavage in it, everyone's like 'nice tits, blah blah blah'," says Anna regretfully.
Sooz advocates a strict "no tits" rule on Tinder and Anna agrees, resolving not to reveal her "girls" until the first date.
Just which lucky man will get to meet all three of them is yet to be determined, as Anna and Johnny get together for a Tinder flick-through.
"No. No. No. No. No. No," Anna says as they swipe through every single straight man in Adelaide.
"Nope - I've been on a date with that one and he wouldn't actually let me get out of the car," she continues.
Anna tells Johnny she's looking for blokes aged 28 to 36. He looks at her like she's just said she's keen to date Rolf Harris.
"I reckon you should drop it down to like, 25. There are some really fit, tall lads who could be into you and are completely developed in their careers," he reasons.
"I don't know if that's what I'm looking for. I'm about personal development," she says.
Anyway Anna obviously finds someone worth swiping right for, as the next thing we know she's telling us all about her "Tinder date". Well actually she doesn't tell us anything, save for the fact that 24 hours later she hasn't heard a peep out of him.
"I haven't had a message today so I guess it makes you start to question yourself and wonder whether you're good enough," she says.
It's sad that Anna's first conclusion in this situation is that the bloke thinks she's not good enough rather than, say, that his thumbs were sliced off in a freak farming accident. Some people just lack imagination.
In the meantime Johnny has also been on a Tinder date, with someone he tenderly refers to as "boring as fuck guy". Oooh, I hope this story has a happy ending!
"He's just one of those guys you can't imagine having sex with ANYBODY," Johnny tells his mates at the pub.
To give us a better idea of how terrible the date was, Johnny tells his friend to do an impression of "boring as fuck guy".
"Sit there and tell me about your fucking mortgage and your home loan and fucking mundane shit," Johnny instructs, oblivious to the fact that it would be easier for all concerned if HE was the one doing the reenactment, given he is the only one in the room who has actually met the person in question.
Undeterred, Johnny's friend does an impression of "Man with Mortgage", in which he laments his home loan repayments of $200 a week.
Never has it been more evident that this show is about people under 30.
Meanwhile, Anna has caved in and sent her AWOL Tinder paramour a text message. Just something short and friendly asking how he is, where he is, why he hasn't gotten in touch, why his parents never taught him any fucking manners, etc. etc.
Pardon me for being old fashioned, but is this not a completely reasonable thing to do? Who are these over-privileged jerk-off man babies who just move on to the next woman if they don't get sex on the first date? Who the hell do they think they are? Where did they learn to treat people like commodities? This is the problem with Tinder you know, everyone just treats everyone else like a piece of meat and no one takes the time to actually get to know anyone, and this is why society is going to hell in a handbasket with everyone having sex over the internet like weird cyber prostitutes and one day the Prime Minister will be someone called Latisha-Jayde with hundreds of naked selfies all over Google from when they were 17 and we'll all have to pretend that's totally fine because that's what the world will be like in 2050 and...
"So I ended up getting a phone call from the guy I went on a date with the other day, and we ended up going out on another date," Anna says.
So he wasn't a jerk! He was just taking his time! Hooray! The world isn't such an awful place after all! Good news for Anna,eh?
"I've kind of decided I don't think we connect too much and I don't really like him," she says.
Now go on and READ EPISODE FIVE, when Sooz goes on a Tinder date (yes, another one) and Courtney continues to fail to get any screen time (probably).
Or go back in time and READ EPISODE THREE again.