Saturday, March 07, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 7, Episode 1


Everyone tried to talk me out of it. My parents. My man. My designated health professional. Even my dog. (Well, my dog obviously didn't talk, but he did look at me pityingly and I bloody knew what he meant). 

BUT SCREW THEM, BECAUSE RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE IS BACK - and dammit, I'll ruin my health recapping it if I want to!

Yes, I have ignored all good advice and my better judgement to commit to another gruelling season of Drag Race recaps, even though last year's season six almost drove me to insanity. Seriously, 14 weeks of comparing drag queens to Etsy products, turning Darienne Lake into a Benny Hill episode and making GIFs of Laganja crying (Every. Single. Episode.) was enough to make me want to strangle myself with a shake and go wig.

But I'm back and more sickening than ever, because aiding me in my quest this season is the New And Improved Holy Trinity of Drag - the HOLY SIX PACK!

Everyone enjoys a new member once in a while.


Joining principal members Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska Thunderfuck, aka They Who Shall Be Adored, are the Holy Cherubim: reigning champion Bianca Del Rio, the first queen to do an on-screen impression of a fire hydrantWillam,and my fellow countrywoman Courtney Act (aka the Pride of Australia).

Bianca, Willam and Courtney have prepared for their new roles with this informative how-to book.

So without further ado, let's.... *death drop* GET SICKENING!

Either the producers have already spent this season's budget on Michelle Visage's push-up bras or they've just read chapter one of Amazon e-book "How To Make More Interesting TV" because they've dispensed with any sort of boring flashbacky introduction and gotten straight to the chase. 

We're in the Werq Room. It's big. It's empty. It's pink.

"It's almost kinda like your vagina!"
And here comes our first queen, 29-year-old Pokemon impersonator Miss Fame:

Although contrary to those nasty rumours, she has not "caught them all".

Miss Fame describes herself as "beyond this planet beautiful". No word on how big her black hole is, however.

Next up is Florida's Ginger Minj, who looks a little bit like Nana Mouskouri after one too many moussakas:

"Till the white rose blooms again, you must leave meeee... wait, is that tiramisu?"

"Hi fellas!" she exclaims to the room, which is empty but for one other drag queen. So, full marks, Ginger.

"I know I will never be the prettiest one, but I will always be the beautiful one," she continues, and I begin to suspect English may not be her first language.

Speaking of lack of English skills, here's the queen I had to disable spellcheck for, Jaidynn Diore Fierce

She's also Nashville's premiere Stevie Wonder impersonator.

Jaidynn says she's "gonna serve you everything you need to survive". I can't wait to see her "fire, water and shelter realness" look on the runway later.

Next up is Violet Chachki from Atlanta, aka the white Gia Gunn:

Absolutelyyyyyy.

For non Jewish American readers, a "chachki" or "tchotchke" is a bauble or miscellaneous item. So Violet is basically a "purple thing".

Like this.

Moving on to MY INSTANT FAVOURITE Max, from Wisconsin. I have no idea where Wisconsin is, but I'm gathering it's just south of somewhere really shitty because everyone makes a face when she says it.

Max is tall, pale and speaks with a bizarre accent that is like Katharine Hepburn with a head injury and I love her immediately.

She may also be related to Count Chocula.

"SGHEUE CSDAGH EG AGHET CJJSS!" screams a blonde wig that's just walked in the door.

It's Katya, "your average run of the mill Russian bisexual transvestite hooker".

Aka Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock.

"Is this Russia?" someone exclaims, because obviously you aren't allowed to speak Russian outside of Russia.

"Is this outfit Soviet Union inspired?" Miss Fame asks.

Gee I dunno darl, maybe she just really likes sickles.

They're just about to have a group sing along of The Internationale when Arsenio Hall walks in and ruins it.


That post-Apprentice comeback just hasn't worked out, has it?

No, actually it's Los Angeles queen Jasmine Masters who describes herself as "class and elegance".

Neither of these things is evident.

Next into the Werq Room is Mrs Kasha Davis of Rochester, New York, which is sort of close to Niagara Falls but not close enough to make you happy to be re routed there when your original hotel booking mysteriously falls through thanks to the inept bus tour company you found in Chinatown.

Not that I've experienced that or anything.

Anyway Mrs Kasha - imagine putting Michelle Visage and Ben De La Creme in a blender.

Apart from a delicious paleo smoothie, this is what you'd get.

Moving on to 24-year-old Trixie Mattel from Milwaukee, a self-described hair and make up artist whose preferred method of make up application is obviously the "face down in palette" approach.

That's not a wig, it's a web belonging to the two tarantulas on her face.

Everyone's just about to start up with the Wisconsin jokes again when they're interrupted by an animatronic Jennifer Lopez Real Doll that's just wheeled itself into the room.

"I HOPE YOU GIRLS GOT A SWEET TOOTH, COS KANDY'S IN THE MUTHA F**KIN HOUSE," shouts the Real Doll, aka Puerto Rican queen Kandy Ho:

She's fully washable and can say five catchphrases, including "Ay papi" and "Why don't people buy my singles anymore?"

Not to be outdone in the robotic stakes, in rolls Brooklyn queen Pearl, who looks like C3PO's BDSM mistress:

Those belts were obviously on special somewhere.

Next up is Kennedy Davenport, "the dancing diva of Texas". Apparently she's famous.

Well, Arsenio recognises her anyway.

Moving right along to Sasha Belle of Iowa, aka the evil love spawn of Drew Barrymore and Kathy Griffin.

Meanwhile, Adam Sandler just got his next movie idea.

Sasha has apparently been "mentally preparing for years" to be on Drag Race by memorising all the past queens and challenges. Bitch, this isn't Jeopardy. You won't win because you remember Bebe Zahara Benet.

Even she has forgotten who she is.

"WHO'S READY FOR SOME HOT TUNA CASSEROLE, COS MAMA'S HOME," shouts newcomer Tempest DuJour, spreading her legs and dropping a plastic baby onto the floor in what instantly becomes the most off putting sequence ever aired on Drag Race, even including on Willam's season.

"Are you hungry? Here I brought you a snack."

Tempest is 46 and looks like Magnolia Crawford's mother. So... Good luck, Tempest.

Suddenly a siren blares, followed by what sounds like a person being strangled while eating a KFC Double Down, letting everyone know that an asexual and non gender specific mail has arrived!

It's not a She Mail, it's a... Drag... Race... Mail. Or... something.

The queens quickly gather around the TV to hear their lord and saviour RuPaul explain their first challenge... but it seems she's gone a little too far with the Botox this time:

Sure she looks youthful, but she could have at least worn a lacefront.

"Do you wanna learn how to be a Supermodel of the World?" the weird Ru baby asks.

"Then you better Sissy That Walk, girl, cos you're Born Naked and the rest is Balenciaga!"

"RuPaul's albums out now on iTunes!"

Suddenly a cold wind blows through the studio, and the walls begin to shake as a low rumbling sound emanates from the floor. The two spiders on Trixie's face make a break for it, leaving her temporarily blinded as her retinas react to light for the first time, while Miss Fame rams her spiked headdress into the nearest makeup table for support.

The door at the top of the stairs slowly creaks open to reveal...

HOLY GOD THAT BABY GREW UP FAST.

"Everything you think you know about RuPaul's Drag Race is about to change," announces RuPaul which, as previous experience would dictate, probably means there'll be one less table in the Werq Room, or they'll all have to share one pair of scissors, or something equally as exciting as that.

"Your first challenge isn't just a photo shoot - IT'S A FASHION WEEK EXTRAVAGANZA!" he says.

Yup. That about sums up that exciting announcement.

Apparently the queens will have to model two fashion looks for Spring and "Fall" (I think he means Autumn) on a runway, which is totally different from the runway they usually do at the end of each episode because... Look, I dunno, let's blame Michelle Visage again for some reason.

Holy Six Pack, what do you think of this development?

Well, exactly.

He then explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a half used can of Taft, a packet of Salada biscuits (expiry December 2013) and a 50 per cent off coupon for Party City, before hustling them all away to the runway that's slightly different from the other runway for their first challenge.

FIRST CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL:

* Joining RuPaul and La Visage in the front row are Carson Kressley, who was last famous in 2003 and therefore most likely to be the target of a confused hashtag during the airing of this show, Holy Trinity member Alaska Thunderfuck serving Anna Wintour realness, and the former supreme leader of Iran, Ayatollah Khomeini.

Inner monologues, left to right: "I hope I'm pulling off this 'floating head' realness."
"Michelle should quit while she's a head."
"'You'll never be on TV again', they said. Ha!"
"What the fuck happened to All Stars 2?"
"Why does that security guard keep looking at me suspiciously?"

* Katya hears "spring fashion", comes as hungover Willam trapped in a Magic Eye puzzle:

If you stare at her middle long enough, you can see an aeroplane!

* Trixie Mattel piles some lipgloss, eyeshadow, blush and housepaint on her open hands, smashes her face into it and walks out on the runway looking a whole couple 'o bucks:

The camera tried to avoid her, but she snuck in the edge of shot at the last minute.

* Meanwhile, I am interested to experience spring on Jaidynn Diore Fierce's home planet.

"Of course this is a spring outfit. It's got springs on it, doesn't it?"

* Hey Alaskan Winter, how are you enjoying the show so far?

Yes, it really is that thrilling.

* UPDATE: Max is still my favourite.

Killing me dead with her whole crazy thing, she is.

* In a thoroughly unique take on "spring", Miss Fame does a flawless impression of a woman who's been mutilated in a horrific farming accident and forced to have her head and arm stitched on back-to-front:

Paired with the floral dress, it's a poignant reminder of the season.

* Not to be outdone, Violet Chachki does an impression of a blow up sex doll being swallowed by a python:

Eerily accurate.

* Meanwhile, Jasmine Masters is proud of her stomach:

We get it, girl.

* Suddenly: OMFG IT'S OPRAH!

Or Beyonce in 30 years.

* Moving on to the "fall" line-up, in which Kandy Ho celebrates the end of spring by killing an animal and draping it off her shoulder:

Bitch looks good, though.

* Not to be outdone, Katya arrives with a whole family of foxes strapped to her head:

This outfit represents fall - the fall of an entire species.

* And Miss Fame shoots a pheasant, wires it to her wig:

Killing it. Literally.

* UPDATE: I still love Max.

Just. I can't even. Ugh I LOVE IT.

* Meanwhile, I guess autumn is quite similar to spring on Jaidynn's home planet:

Well, glomesh bras are probably expensive, you might as well get some wear out of them...

* New York queen Pearl drags up in black leather and silk, looks like the evil trust fund daughter of Adore Delano and Sharon Needles:

And I kind of love it.

* Sick of waiting for her friend Oprah in the green room, and disoriented from a recent double arm amputation, Liza Minelli turns up on the runway looking for morphine:

"Lady peeeacefull, lady happpyyyyyy that's what I'm gonna beeeee!"

* Oh look, it's special guest judge Michelle Williams!

Has she lost weight?

* Next down the runway is Violet Chachki, who performs a mid-runway miracle by turning a glamorous black sequinned jumpsuit into a giant wearable picnic rug:

If only Jesus had done this instead of that loaves and fishes crap he might have been more successful.

Naturally, the judges react calmly and sensibly to this:

"IT'S DOUBLE SIIIIIDEEEEDDDDDD!"

* Kennedy Davenport forgets the fall theme altogether and instead decides to show her patriotism by dressing as the Statue of Liberty's torch:

Nailed it.

* And Sasha Belle ruins any chance RuPaul had of securing Gillette as a sponsor by forgetting to shave her pits:

...for about three years...

Finally the horror is over and we all return to the Werq Room where we're greeted by the Pit Crew, who have all lost their clothes in a targeted mugging outside the studio:

Los Angeles is so rough.

But as RuPaul explains, all this nudity isn't just the symptom of a well timed criminal incident.

"You will all be making your main stage debut NAKED," he exclaims.

This is the appropriate reaction to that.

Well, not really. As it turns out, having a bunch of men striding down the runway with their dongs out might do something to ruin the illusion that they are all women (not sure why) so actually they're all going to have to do a "resort wear look" that tears away to reveal a "nude illusion". 

Or, if you're Katya, maybe just an illusion.

I still can't see the aeroplane.

"I think this challenge is right on my alley," says Kandy Ho, who learned English via Google Translate.

It's right behind that second dumpster.

Ru starts his rounds of the Werq Room in which we learn Kandy Ho can't sew (DOOM!), Trixie Mattel's in-laws hate her drag makeup (to be fair, they're probably not alone there) and Tempest DuJour used to weigh 400 pounds.

"I've gotten to the stage now where my children are more important to me than a bucket of fried chicken," she says.

On the other side of the work room:

"Did somebody say fried chicken?"

Meanwhile, Jasmine Masters apparently thinks cocoons are an incredibly complex subject that no one could possibly understand.

"My costume is like a butterfly in a cocoon. I'm gonna be in some type of like, cocoon, that will grow, so as I'm walking down the runway I'm gonna grow. Cos the butterfly is actually in the cocoon. This is a cocoon. Which is me, the butterfly. You know how like a butterfly is in a cocoon? Every step that I take down that runway the butterfly inside is growing, so once it gets revealed at the end of the runway, the butterfly... is... there," she says.

Nah, I don't get it.

Enough of this nerdy science talk, because...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME! 

BUT WE JUST DID A RUNWAY?

I KNOW, NOT THAT RUNWAY, THE OTHER ONE!

YOU MEAN THE MAIN RUNWAY?

YES!

OK COOL!


* Proving once again that Los Angeles really is a rough city, RuPaul shows up in what's left of her gown after a vicious attack by feral street dogs:

They really should consider moving studios.

* While over on the judges' table La Visage is doing an impression of a vajazzle:

She should probably have trimmed first, though.

* And Carson Kressley is back, so I guess he's the new Santino, if Santino knew about fashion and was fun and made good TV.

* Someone called Ross Matthews is also there. So that's nice.

* And Kathy Griffin is there. Let's all just take a moment to thank Kathy for not joining in with tonight's theme, shall we?

* First down the runway is the crazy Russian who I am rapidly coming to adore, Katya, who wears some hairy red thing and rips it off to reveal... her hairy red thing.

And the hairy red thing on the judging panel is impressed.

* Not to be outdone, Mrs Kasha Davis strides out with a body made of painted spandex and foam. It's a perfect nude illusion, apart from the zipper, the wrinkles, and the visible underwear line.

Mesmerising, no?

* Even more impressive is Sasha Bell, whose idea of "nude illusion" is apparently a beige Spanx leotard over a black sports bra.

I can't believe they didn't censor this for television.

* Miss Fame comes out in a "custom Miss Fame fashion poncho", because she is apparently a brand now. Rips it off, looks naked but isn't. Good job.

* Violet Chachki comes out in what a mirrorball might wear if it were going to the races. Rips it off, looks naked and is. Good job.

* Kennedy Davenport mishears "resort wear" as "1970s funk band wear", comes as George Clinton.

George Clinton caught in a curtain at a strip club.

* Meanwhile, backstage:

I think I'm starting to get it.

* Next up is Tempest DuJour, who totally forgot about the runway challenge and is instead on her way to a costume party with the theme of "celebrity plastic surgery fails 2050":

She's Paris Hilton after her 23rd boob job. After the 24th that nipple will be on her hip.

* Turns out Trixie Mattel is on her way to the same party, as Heidi Montag:

The arm joints are uncannily accurate.

* Moving on to Pearl, who slacks onto the runway like Lindsay Lohan on downers and does a tantalising strip tease which consists of dropping her dress to the floor to reveal control top underpants, and then getting her foot caught:

GLAMOUR!

That girl's gonna be a star.

* UPDATE: Max is still my favourite,

Fucking CRUTCHES!

* "My concept is to be naked but still classy," says Ginger Minj.

FAIL.

* Side note: Thanks to TV censoring it is as yet unclear whether Ginger Minj actually has a ginger minge.

* Jaidynn Diore Fierce strikes a chord with Real Women everywhere with her realistic depiction of cellulite:

Lack of butt crack = not so realistic.


* Meanwhile: 

Break the internet, Kandy Ho.

* Finally, the main act arrives: Jasmine Masters in her stunning COCOON ILLUSION.

The theatrics are overwhelming.

* La Visage asks Sasha Bell why her "nude illusion" includes a giant black bra.

"I think I was confused by the assignment," says Sasha.

This is the correct response to that statement.

* Meanwhile, if Sasha Bell is confused by the concept of being naked, wait until she finds out what a cocoon is.

Right, Jasmine?

* Kennedy Davenport gets read for having wonky nipples, but all is forgiven when it is revealed she is actually doing a celebrity impression of Forest Whitaker:

It's bang on.

* Carson Kressley tells Kandy Ho, who is from Puerto Rico, that he can see her "chocha", which is "Spanish for vagina".

"Thanks Carson, and 'c**t' is English for..."

* La Visage is less interested in her bearded clam than she is her actual beard, however:

Even Conchita Wurst is like "Girl, shave maybe?"

* "Are you PAINTING ON a beard?" La Visage asks her.

"Don't do that, just get a TV show and put her on the judging panel, like I do," says RuPaul.

* Apparently La Visage's library has extended opening hours today ahead of the public holiday Monday, so Violet Chachki gets told she looks like "a boy with a tape tuck".

Whatever gave it away? Was it the tape? Or the boy?
Also: Is it weird they are blurring out the nipples here? THEY'RE NOT BREASTS.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand for a second year running this week is sponsored by Valvoline, whose marketing manager was fired shortly after signing the contract for what he thought was a show about car racing. Better luck in your new job, Brad!

Despite looking like a confused boy wearing scotch tape as a jockstrap Violet Chachki is crowned the night's winner, and receives a free bottle of Valvoline which may or may not come in handy later when she is trying to remove that tape.

In a decision that surprises pretty much everyone, Sasha Bell is not put up for elimination (so I guess that black bra was like, a tattoo or something?).

Instead Tempest "So What If My Skin Stops At My Ankles" Du Jour and Kandy "Shut Up I Like My Face  Like This" Ho are sent into a nude lip sync battle to RuPaul's worst song, "Geronimo".

"I'm thinking to myself - 'hold your head up high and just show the best you've got to show'," Tempest says.

On second thoughts, hide it.

They strut and twerk and wiggle and shake, and with all that floppy, painted fake flesh flying about it's like a sex party at Statler and Waldorf's house.

But then Kandy Ho pulls this out, and it's all over:

This is known as the "stop, drop and twerk".

So it's good bye to Tempest Du Jour, who throws each of her tits over her shoulders and gracefully sashays away into probable obscurity.

"What means most to me is what my kids see," she cries, tears streaking her mascara as she clutches a RuPaul figurine in front of her wonky fake boobs.

DOING IT FOR THE KIDS.

Well that's it. Don't forget to like and share on Facebook and Twitter, and then go on to EPISODE TWO. SPOILER ALERT FOR AUSSIE FANS WATCHING ON FOXTEL! Don't click ahead unless you want secrets revealed about the next episode... You've been warned.



16 comments :

  1. This is hilarious & u crack me up. Violet is Ecuadorian btw.

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  2. YES! Made my day....feels so good to laugh again, maybe I'll go outside today.

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  3. In America we use the word "Fall" more than we do "Autumn".

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  4. You are freaking Hilar! I literally die for these posts.

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  5. Awww yiss I'm so happy to see you're reviewing Drag Race this year - I may have been refreshing your blog shamefully frequently the past few days, often enough that I almost but don't quite understand what the hell the producers of "The Daters" are trying to do. :D Can't wait to read future installments!

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  6. welcome back and thank you!!!!

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  7. This is amazing! I've been checking this more obsessively than I'd like the admit in the hopes that you'd updated, and you never fail to disappoint in terms of hilarity.

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  8. Your blog actually made me pick up Drag Race for my roster of shows, so I blame you for all the wasted hours ;) But since laughing supposedly lengthens your lifespan I guess it's an even trade :)

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  9. Every time I hear the word 'cocoon' I keep laughing. Damn you!

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  10. So happy you are back this Season! Your Rucaps are the funniest on the net.

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  11. Youŕe giving me life!!!!

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  12. You had me at Katharine Hepburn with a head injury.

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  13. Are they bleeping the version you're watching? So irritating. And blurring the "naked" bodies that are painted on, what's that about.

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