Thursday, March 12, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 7, Episode 2

This week's episode begins in the Werq Room, where everyone is really sad about Tempest DuJour's elimination last week.

Well OK, not everyone.

"The reality of the situation is hitting all of us," exclaims Katya.

I think 'reality' is Russian for 'meatball sub'.

But enough of all that maudlin noodling - congratulations are in order! It's official Woo Yay time for challenge winner Violet Chachki, whose total lack of breasts on last week's runway impressed the judges so much Boobs For Queens are considering withdrawing sponsorship of the show.

"Congratulations, how does it feel?" asks one of the queens.

"I hate Michelle Visage," Violet says.

This statement is greeted in the usual, calm way.

Can I just...

Yep. Just needed to see that again, thanks.

Forty five minutes later, when all the queens have scraped the pieces of their brains off the wall and put them back into their heads (a process that didn't take long for Pearl), the discussion resumes.

It seems Violet is more than a little upset at La Visage describing her as looking like a "boy" on the runway.

"To be honest, she probably has a bigger man body than I do, without her implants," Violet says.

"It wasn't tasteful the way she said it, it was just like, 'EWWW MICHELLE'."

Meanwhile, this bitch got told she had a beard, so CHILL, CHACHKI.

Violet's not the only one with a grudge to bear against the judges; Miss Fame is distinctly pissed off that she didn't win anything at all - not even the Costume That Most Resembles A Condom Award.

That went to Jasmine Masters.

"Did the judges get it right? Pause, pause, pause. Maybe not," says Miss Fame, who clearly has problems reading an autocue.

"I'm Ron Burgundy?"

There's also a fresh rivlary between Sasha Belle and Pearl, thanks to Sasha naming Pearl in front of the judges as the queen she's least impressed by.

Fortunately, Pearl is mature enough to overlook the slight.

"I'm pretty and she looks like John Goodman in a wig," she says.

Kandy Ho still has a better beard.

Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where the familiar sounds of the Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail siren can be heard ringing through the air.

Speaking of which: does anyone have the first idea what RuPaul is saying in that mail alert? All I can hear is "SHE DONE READY TO HAIR HURR". But it could be "SHE'S ALL READY TO HEAR HARD." Or maybe "SHED'S ALL HAIRY AND RED HOT". Submit your explanation in the comments, please.

"America's next drag superstar needs to work the runway and show me some sass, then I'll bump your booty up from coach to first class," says RuPaul via video message.

"I don't even know what first class is!" exclaims Ginger Minj.

You don't say?

Just as everyone is picking themselves up off the floor from the shock of that huge surprise, a sudden gust of cold wind blows through the studio, rattling the fake windows and shaking the walls. Max shrieks "'TIS THE END OF DAYS" and dives under a table with her crutches as a high-pitched wailing noise pierces the air, driving Miss Fame to run around in circles howling. The air seems to vibrate, as if charged with electricity, and the queens shudder as the door at the top of the stairs creaks open to reveal...

RUN! THE ALIEN SPAWN HAVE GOTTEN HIM ALREADY, IT'S TOO LATE!

Fortunately it turns out to be just RuPaul wearing a hideous brooch. So I guess that sponsorship deal with Etsy worked out, then.

"In today's mini challenge you need to give face, face, face... while the Pit Crew blows you," RuPaul announces to the room.

This would be my reaction to that news also.

"With a LEAF BLOWER!" RuPaul finishes.

Again, this would be my reaction to that news also.

"Girl, I am from Florida. I have survived many a hurricane - but never one that's been blowing me right in the mouth," says Ginger Minj, who has immediately become one of my favourite queens this season.

Meanwhile, who the hell is that with Max?

Am I the only one who was unaware that Violet out of drag looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt with a hangover? Even Max looks dubious.

GETTING BLOWN IN THE FACE BY THE PIT CREW MINI CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL:

* All the queens are given just 15 minutes to get into drag...

...and you totally can't tell.

* Suddenly the lights flicker and a chill settles over the studio as the door at the top of the stairs begins to creak open once more and...

OH MY GOD RUPAUL'S BEEN BLEACHED! 

No actually it's just 1990s electro pop star Moby - or, if you're under 30, "who?".

This is what happens when you put RuPaul through a hot wash.

* I have no idea why Moby is there.

* All the queens line up and the Pit Crew blow leaf blowers in their faces in what is clearly a made-for-Tumblr segment chock full of GIF-worthy moments.

Like this.


And this.

If Jasmine opens her mouth wide enough it'll act like a sail, and the Pit Crew could blow her around the room.

* Not to be outdone... oh look, I don't even need to write jokes for this do I? I mean look at this shit:

This needs no commentary.


No jokes required.


Feeling her oats.

* Then they all HOLY GOD WHAT THE EVER LOVING CRAP IS THAT?

AGHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE!

* Miss Fame simultaneously wins the awards for Worst Teeth (please tell me they were part of the costume) (they were, right?) and Best Aphex Twin Impression.

Actually, Aphex's teeth look better.

* Meanwhile:

This.

* "I think that's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life," says Moby, which is quite astounding from the person responsible for this:



Then RuPaul says "jifs", which we'll all pretend didn't happen, and announces the next challenge, in which the queens will have to do a live performance of an inflight safety video for Glamazonian Airways - "the first airline run completely by drag queens".

"Here hunty, have some more espresso martini."

"We have three whole movies on our inflight system, including Grey Gardens, Grey Gardens the remake and Paris is Burning."

"I know you're wearing a fancy hat Brian, but people can still tell you're a dude." 

Having been crowned the winners of the leaf blower challenge Ginger Minj and Trixie Mattel get to choose their teams, after which everyone goes off to rehearse.

Trixie has picked Violet for her team, who immediately begins annoying everyone by interrupting and continually looking like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Trixie is so irritated she breaks into an impromptu impression of Man Trapped in Glass Box:

She went to Juilliard.

"Is anyone a dancer?" Trixie asks.

"I'm not NOT a dancer, but I'm not a dancer," says Violet.

"So... are you a dancer?"

Is anyone, really?

Meanwhile over on Team Ginger, Kandy Ho is trying to establish a catchphrase.

"This is right on my alley!" she declares.

Listen to Michelle.

Ginger goes through the script and starts delegating the roles.

"I think I'm most concerned about having such a small part," says Sasha Bell, which is really brave of her to admit on global television.

Suddenly RuPaul materialises out of a wall and asks Miss Fame if she's had any acting experience.

"I've had some opportunities that could be considered an entry way to acting, but not to the degree that I'd like to see my future evolve into," she says, which is a rather convoluted way of saying "no".

An opportunity that could be considered an entry way into acting.

"I'm not a dancer, per se, but I can move my body in a compelling way - it usually compels people to leave the room," says Katya, who is totally my new favourite. (Sorry Max, I still love you.)

Speaking of dancing, it's CHORRY TIME - so Team Trixie heads off to the runway to meet choreographer Jamal Sims and be annoyed by Violet some more.

The first move they have to nail is Pearl and Miss Fame wrapping Violet in a seatbelt and shrieking "tighter tighter tighter tighter!" - aka a regular Friday night at RuPaul's house.

"I have the smallest waist in RuPaul's Drag Race history, I want people to see it!" Violet declares.

This is the appropriate reaction to that statement.

Apart from Violet's waist demanding equal billing, it seems Miss Fame is one of the team's biggest problems.

"Miss Fame's execution is so bad, there's no rhythm, there's no musicality, her hips don't move," frets choreographer Jamal.

Her hips don't lie. Or tell the truth. Actually I don't think they even speak English.

Wavy lines, doobly do music, more wavy lines... it's the next day in the Werq Room where the discussion turns to Performer Queens vs Fashion Queens, aka everyone vs Miss Fame.

"Some of these girls are selling me short, I've been hired to work and do drag at clubs," she says.

Clubs with lots of smoke machines.

"I just want to be a supermodel in drag," Miss Fame continues.

Funny, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before...

"It's not about trying to be pretty and trying to be all that, it's about getting your ass on stage and entertaining," says Jasmine Masters.

"But some of our aspirations are not to be at the club for the rest of our career," snips Miss Fame.

"Some of us have had OPPORTUNITIES."

Then Miss Fame reveals she was raised by her grandfather who was murdered when she was 15. So. That's. That.

And on that cheery note...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* I tried to find something funny to say about RuPaul's outfit, but I just ended up blinking at the screen. Bitch. Looks. Amazing.

If you stare at this for long enough you can reach nirvana.

* Fortunately, Michelle Visage is there, so not all is lost for the world of comedy:

I think it's safe to assume she does NOT work for Virgin Airways.

* And a warm welcome back to special guest judge Tyra Sanchez:

Looking good, Tyra!

Oh wait, no it's actually Jordin Sparks, someone who won a singing competition or something.

"I just love your... voice... and your... talent," says RuPaul, trying not to squint as she looks off screen to the producers for a hint of who Jordin is and what she does.

* Luckily no one cares because the other guest judge is Olivia Newton John, who is way more important.

* Time for those inflight safety demonstrations! Team Trixie is first on the runway, led by Katya lip syncing so loosely to the opening monologue she looks like one of those TV dogs that's had peanut butter spread in its mouth to make it look like it's talking.

"I literally have no idea what I'm saying."

* Trixie Mattel stumbles out clutching a martini glass and slurring before falling onto a drinks trolley, in what is an A-1 impression of Michelle Visage at last week's episode wrap party.

"And sho I shaid to her, 'YOU'RE GIVING ME BOY'."

* And then I forgot to come up with any more jokes because the rest of their performance was pretty much flawless and I just really enjoyed watching it. Sorry bout it.

* Moving on to Team Ginger, the members of which have all ensured they stay in sync by inserting magnets into their butt pads:

They're all just so attractive.

* UPDATE: Jasmine Masters is amazing.

Living.

* While everyone else is being fantastically interesting, Sasha Bell manages to underwhelm everyone by doing a thing with a wig:

Here it comes...


Almost there...


I bet this is going to be incredible...


Oh. 


Same.

* UPDATE: Ginger Minj is amazing. I don't have a GIF as proof, but just know it's true.

* It's hard to tell which team had the better number because Trixie's featured the line "smoking ain't allowed unless your pussy's on fire" and Ginger's included a song about blowing the pilot, and a rap about farting, so I think we can all agree the real winner was musical theatre.

* Also, I think I speak for everyone when I say THIS IS THE BEST DRAG RACE CHALLENGE EVER.

* Moving on to the main fashion runway, which this week has a theme of "jet set eleganza".

Or if you're Trixie Mattell, Judy Jetson eleganza.

* Katya mishears "jet set eleganza" as "luggage set eleganza", comes as her grandmother's overnight bag:

You'd be amazed at how much you can fit in there.

* Max looks a little more "train set" than "jet set", but I guess she can be forgiven seeing as she apparently comes from 1941:

Also: she's fucking fabulous.

* Just for something different, Pearl can't be bothered teaming with the theme so just wears whatever the hell she wants:

Looks pretty great, though.

* Violet Chachki mishears "jet set eleganza" as "jig saw eleganza" and shows off her woodworking skills by fashioning a catsuit entirely out of chipboard:

Don't even ask about the splinters.

* I have no idea what Miss Fame is doing:

Jet... brown... scarfe... nah, I got nothing.

* Or Mrs Kasha Davis:

"Yeah yeah, jet set whatever, where's the bar?"

* Kandy Ho proves she's never been on a plane before by wearing the sort of hat that gets you interviewed by security:

You're never getting that thing in the overhead locker, girl.

* Next up is Kennedy Davenport with her impression of Ornacia:

Who wore it better?

* And here comes Sasha Bell with her practical demonstration of how to set off every airport metal detector with a single outfit:

"Oh sorry, should I take it off?"

* UPDATE: Jasmine Masters may not be so amazing anymore:

Sigh. Girl, what IS this?

* OK at this point Pearl's crazy outfit practically looks like an air hostess uniform. What the hell are these girls thinking?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE JET SET GLAMOUR, YOU MORONS.

* La Visage reads Katya for not knowing the words to her monologue. It's true, it was really unclear what words her lips were trying to make during that song.

This is slightly clearer, however.

* La Visage tells Violet she's convinced there's "a clown" hidden inside her. Meanwhile, Violet is all "WITH THIS TINY WAIST?"

* Olivia Newton John tells Miss Fame to "loosen up".

Um, yeah... kinda like that...

* Suddenly Carson Kressley exclaims "I LOVE MINGE!"

"They're those little German cream cakes, right?"

* Olivia Newton John says she feels sorry for Sasha Belle. So enjoy that sound bite running around in  your head every night from now on when you're trying to go to sleep, Sasha.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after yet again failing to secure big name backing is this week sponsored by Gianni Hersace's Big Girl Fashion Boutique in Bellevue, Ohio. "Gianni Hersace's Big Girl Fashion Boutique: we're not Versace, but we're only one letter away!".

Despite looking like no one who has ever caught a plane ever, Ginger Minj is crowned the night's winner due to her excellent performance.

It's down to Sasha Belle, Miss Fame and Katya for the bottom two, and in a decision that even her wig saw coming, Sasha Belle is nominated for elimination. Of course she is joined by Miss F... WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL?

THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.

Despite Miss Fame turning in a bland performance and then trying to pass off a burlap sack as airline fashion, RuPaul sends her back into the safe zone, opting instead to punish Katya for the apparently worse crime of messing up that bloody monologue.

SHE'S RUSSIAN, HOW CAN SHE BE EXPECTED TO MEMORISE SO MUCH ENGLISH?

They're lip syncing to some Olivia Newton John song that isn't from Grease or Xanadu, so I don't know it, and Sasha Belle gets straight down to impressing the judges with some incredibly technical choreography:

"WOOO YOU GUYS LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!"

Meanwhile Katya is all like:

"That's nice."

Sensing impending doom, Sasha Belle's right tit attempts to escape mid-song:

"I'm outta here."

But it's too late. Both Sasha and her wonky boob are told to sashay away, as Katya lives to drag another day.

Congratulations Sasha Belle, you were definitely... a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Now go on and READ EPISODE THREE ... or go back and relive EPISODE ONE. It's funnier the second time around, trust me.



15 comments :

  1. I *love* your reviews! I am particularly living for your descriptions of Violet - first she was 'the white Gia Gunn' and now she's 'Jennifer Love Hewitt with a hangover.' Keep 'em coming! Also, the new 'non-gender specific mail' announcement is "She done already done had herses," which was the answer in a Season 3 fill in the blanks mini-challenge in the category of 'Ghetto shit RuPaul says.' I don't understand it either, I'm just reporting the facts.

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    1. Apparently it's something that Ru heard a waitress say and she thought it was funny

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  2. I wonder if the "She already done had herses" is kind of a jab at Carmen.

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  3. Great recap, I think that this may just fill the void left by Tom and Lorenzo stopping their RPDR coverage!

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  4. I wonder if the "She already done had herses" is kind of a jab at Carmen.

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  5. awesome recap, so damn funny I have tears.
    <3 Max, and Trixie is becoming a bit of a fav too.

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  6. So I laughed from start to finish, but when you described Moby as Ru being put through a hot wash, I positively howled.

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  7. your reviews are always so frickin' funny. Never change.

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  8. Great recap - it saves me watching the whole episode looking forward to the runway looks, only for half of them to mistake 'jet set glamour' for 'Real Housewife coming out of the Duty Free'. I've been a long time reader of your blog, ever since the long gone days of AUSNTM-3, and you're still as talented as you were eight years ago. Don't ever change, and keep the recaps coming! :-)

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  9. "she already done had herses"

    It's something I believe has been said by rupaul in books and in starbooty. I adore these posts and really look forward to them!

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  10. these are incredible. bless your heart for spending so much time bringing this amazing comedy to we, the unwashed masses. NEVER STOP, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOUR DOG PITIES YOU.

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  11. RPDR has given us many great mysteries but perhaps none quiet so enduring or mind-boggling as the greatest mystery of them all: Why Was Moby There?

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    1. *quite*. I meant quite. That's how much it boggled my mind.

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  12. "'I just want to be a supermodel in drag,' Miss Fame continues." And now, well, she is. She works for L'Oréal, who had her modeling on runways in Italy and Europe for a large part of this last spring, which was one of the reasons she couldn't make it to the Season 8 finale.

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  13. The Olivia Newton-John song that you called was "Twist Of Fate" it's from the 1983 movie "Two Of A Kind" also with John Travolta.

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