Thursday, March 19, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 7, Episode 3

As usual we begin this week's episode in the Werq Room where everyone is mourning the loss of... wait, what was her name? The one who was kicked out last week. You know who I mean! The one with the... thing. Dammit, Holy Six Pack - you know who I mean!

Well, anyway. Her.


[Insert name here] has left a message on the mirror for the other queens, reading "GING FOR THE WIN!", suggesting she may have been taking English lessons from Kandy Ho. Did she mean to write "going"? "Gagging"? Did she actually mean to write "I love you RuPaul!" but suffer a stroke half way through?

But then it becomes clear whoever it was meant "Ging" as short for "Ginger", something which gets Kennedy Davenport all riled up.

"Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one," she snips, proving that she too may have been studying English with Kandy Ho.

Because whatever this is, it isn't an "opinion". Just sayin'.

Meanwhile Jasmine Masters is in the corner reciting her speech for the upcoming premiere of new TV show RuPaul's Best Friends Race, in which she has been cast as a mentor.

"Trixie, Pearl and that old tired ass long horse face Violet, them girls just rub my nerves out, they don't know shit about performing, all they want to do is talk and walk their asses in their f***ing heels and that's not drag. I don't like shit about them young hoes, not the air they breathe, not their bony-ass slim up and down poor bodies, I would love to send all them bitches home in one whomp, especially Violet - where your panties, girl? We don't want to see that Barbie doll mannequin ****."

If only she'd just tell us what she really thinks.

In all fairness though:

Violet, where ARE your panties?

Meanwhile: CAN EVERYBODY STOP SAYING "PANTIES"? EWWWWW.

Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where Katya is showing off her allegiance to Jaidynn Diore Fierce by sporting a T shirt with her face on it:

Smug in pug.

Wait, what do you mean that doesn't look like Jaidynn?

Apology accepted.

A siren blares, followed by what sounds like RuPaul being strangled by a pair of Michelle Visage's pantyhose - it must be Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail time!

All the queens gather round in front of the giant piece of black plastic mounted on the wall that they've all agreed to pretend is a flat screen TV for budgetary reasons, while a producer reads RuPaul's lines from a script. (They'll just Photoshop RuPaul in later, like Michelle Visage does with her family photos every Christmas).

"To she or not to she, that is the question," reads the producer pretending to be RuPaul.

"All the world's a stage, but watch your back henny, because everybody's a critic."

"What is THAT about?" wonders Jaidynn.

Are you joking, bitch?

Just as everyone is trying to explain to Jaidynn what a Shakespeare is, all the lights in the studio go off at once, accompanied by a loud booming noise. Kandy Ho is so frightened all her beard hair spontaneously falls out, while Jasmine Masters dives into a pile of wigs shouting "COCOON!"

A cold wind blows through the studio as the lights begin to flicker back on, when suddenly at the doorway is... it's... IT'S...

He stole it from Tempest DuJour before she left.

RuPaul wheels around the room on his gopher (which makes a nice change from other weeks when he uses his beaver) declaring: "America's next drag superstar needs to have longevity, even after her charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent gets old and dry and dusty."

"Almost kinda like your... OK, never mind, we get it."

"It's time to release your inner Golden Girl," RuPaul continues.

"HA HA HA I'M 23 WHAT'S A GOLDEN GIRL WHAT ARE WE ALL LAUGHING AT?"

RuPaul announces that for today's mini challenge the queens will have 15 minutes to drag up as old ladies and dance, as some sort of promotion for the Pit Crew's new range of merkins:

"Dude, I said to bring the 1970s range, not the 'in your 70s' range!"

GRANNY CHASER CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL:


* Mrs Kasha Davis looks... exactly like someone who would be called "Mrs Kasha Davis":

Or a sex predator. Either/or.

* Pearl looks like someone reanimated the corpse of Grandma Yetta from '90s sitcom The Nanny and wrapped her in tinfoil:

And I love it.

* Trixie Mattel looks like Stephen Hawking fell over a makeup counter and then went to the dentist:

Much more subtle than usual.

* Katya looks like Weird Al Yankovic's mother:

No one wants to polka.

Miss Fame comes dressed as Raven in 50 years:

After "the incident".

* Jasmine Masters comes as a Womble:

I think you'll agree she's nailed it.

* And Max... I have no idea what Max is doing:

But whatever it is, it's likely to get her kicked out of the nursing home.

* Meanwhile Tyler Perry's new movie looks hilarious as usual:

"Madea Takes Acid And Stares At Her Hand For Two Hours", rated PG.

* Hey speaking of movies, you know what this challenge looks like? The cast of...

This joke never gets old.

Despite looking like Shirley Temple with a crack habit and Doc from Back to the Future in drag respectively, Kennedy Davenport and Max are declared the winners so get to pick their teams for the main challenge.

Then RuPaul says "jifs" again and everyone pretends not to notice, before going on to declare that the word "drag" originated with Shakespeare and was a theatrical direction noted in a script to signify "dressed as a girl". (This is, in fact, disputed, but let's not go there because I'm still dealing with the whole "jifs" disaster.)

He then announces the main challenge: staging "comedic adaptations of Shakespeare classics", "Romy and Juliet" and "Macbitch".

"Oh I get it - like the burger! Clever."

"I've never even seen the original, what is it? Macbeth?" says Team Kennedy member Pearl, who is a walking advertisement for America's education system.

"I don't even know what Macbeth is, honestly. Call me young, call me illiterate, whatever," she says.

Or we could just call you dumb. Can we do that? Let's do that.

If that wasn't enough to spell doom for the team, Kennedy has also assigned the role of the "ghetto girl" to Violet Chachki, who is about as ghetto as Paris Hilton's chihuahua.

"I've watched Maury, I can do this."

Unsurprisingly this is the least successful bit of casting since whoever it was that decided Mickey Rooney looked Japanese, so Kennedy makes Violet switch roles with Jasmine, meaning she will now be playing the role of "Lady Macbitch".

Yes, there was a role called "Lady Macbitch" and Violet didn't automatically win it. I'm surprised too.

Will this late change result in an unmitigated mess on stage? We can only hope.

Things are a bit different over on Team Max, meanwhile.

"I've done Shakespeare plenty - and he liked it every time," cracks Ginger Minj.

Still, Jaidynn can't quite get the hang of "Capulet" and Miss Fame thinks "Montague" is pronounced "montage-oo", so let's not get too excited.

But enough of all this hot thespian action...

IT'S SHAKESQUEER TIME!


* Up first is Team Max with "Romy and Juliet" (they could have tried harder with that title, don't you think? "Romeo and Julian" would have been funnier, for a start. But far be it from me to tell them how to write jokes, I'm just a lowly blogger...) which gets off to a limp start with Miss Fame spewing about the "house of Capperus".

Meanwhile, somewhere Jinkx Monsoon is missing a costume.

* Jaidynn flubs a line, complains about her lack of experience in acting.

"I know I pretend to be a woman every day for my job but I don't do no ACTING!"

* Sadly Jaidynn didn't get the memo that it's supposed to be a comedy, so she breaks into tears for a rendition of her own one-act Shakespearean tragedy entitled "What A Drag: The Story of Fierce":

THESPIANISM: Check with your doctor to see if it's right for you.

* Fortunately Max is there to save the day by cheering her up again:

Well, that would make anyone laugh.

* Moving on to Team Kennedy with "Macbitch", and Violet in the title role (naturally). With her giant ruff she looks rather like a murderous Pierrot doll. Or a murderous Barbie doll disappearing feet-first up the back end of a large mammal:

You can imagine your own sound effect for that.

* Having forgotten all about the challenge, Katya drops in on her way to the opening night of her new play, an Elizabethan reworking of Little Shop of Horrors in which she plays the Queen:

She spends the entire first act being slowly devoured by Audrey II.

* Having been relegated from the lead role to that of "ghetto bitch", Jasmine Masters has to deliver the rhyming couplet "Watch out sisters, I'm the real prima donna, head cheerleader's gonna be me: Laqueesha Kiana" and struggles so much she sounds like Missy Elliot after a stroke:

"Head cheerleader's gonna be me, Laqueesh... ah fuck it: COCOON."

* Meanwhile Pearl has decided to adopt a bizarre accent for her role as narrator that makes her sound like Max on downers.

"Yeah, I don't think you should do that," says RuPaul.

Enough said.

* Everyone forgets their lines, costumes fall apart, Pearl walks into a fake tree - can Team Kennedy sink any lower?

Yes. Yes it can.

* "In seven seasons of doing RuPaul's Drag Race I have never seen a car crash like this before," wails RuPaul.

So, he liked it then?

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where everyone is preparing for the final runway in their usual meek and humble way.

"I know for a fact this dress that I'm wearing is the best gown that ever walked down the runway of Drag Race - EVER," Jasmine Masters says, while simultaneously filling out her nomination form for the 2015 Humility and Grace Awards.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Ru got up right now and said 'bitch, just because of that gown girl, you're safe as f**k," she continues.

Yeah... that gown has its work cut out. Seriously, it's going to need to do some Cinderella type shit.

But it's not just Jasmine's technicolour dreamgown the others have to worry about, it's their "experience".

Ginger Minj, Mrs Kasha Davis, Jasmine and Kennedy Davenport have formed what they call "the bitter old lady brigade" (which coincidentally is what Seduction were going to call their 2016 reunion tour) to bitch and moan about the young queens like Pearl, Violet and Miss Fame.

"These young girls ain't been through nothing and girl, it's getting on a bitch's nerve," slags Kennedy.

"Everybody's talking about their 'aesthetic'. Please honey, find one."

Mm-hmm.

"That Violet - tacky drag," sniffs Jasmine.

Submitted without comment.

But enough of all this sartorial snarking, because...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* And the category is: BEARDS, which seems a tad unfair given the strong advantage Kandy Ho already has...

So shady.

* Meanwhile, thank you RuPaul for this challenge which is basically all of my twisted sexual fantasies come to life. What can I say, I have a thing for bearded men wearing make up.

I blame Prince. For everything, basically.

In honour of this momentous occasion I shall be rating each of the queens on how much their gorgeous beard and makeup combos make me question my sexuality. If I emerge from this process requiring several months of therapy, I will have done my job properly.

* In what is both a quirky tribute to the theme and a desperate attempt to secure a financial sponsor, RuPaul has come dressed as this electric shaver:

Gillette and Braun both said no.

* Of course Michelle Visage doesn't have to come in costume, because she's already RuPaul's beard.

But really, she looks fabulous tonight. Stop ruining my comedy, Visage.

* Also on the judges table is Carson Kressley who, due to budget cuts, is this week wearing a wardrobe sponsored entirely by the United American Pineapple Growers For Sustainable Gorilla Habitats Action Group (UAPGSGHAG):

They're a very niche organisation.

* But forget him because this week's special guest judge is Mel B, aka Scary Spice aka the mother of "girl power" and the voice of a generation! Oh also for some reason Kat Dennings from that racist TV show 2 Broke Girls is there, so I hope she's not uncomfortable with all the black people around.

* First on the runway is Max who has opted to dress as Santa Claus auditioning for the role of the Marquis de Sade in the North Pole Amateur Dramatics Society's annual play:

It's a very specific look, but HOLY GOD I AM LIVING FOR IT.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 7/10.

* Next up is Ginger Minj, who answers everyone's questions about her name once and for all by wearing a black merkin on her face:

So I guess the curtains don't match the drapes, then.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 3/10.

* Moving right along to Trixie Mattel, who looks like the benevolent god of whatever religion you'd get if Jesus and Zeus had a baby:

I wish Mattel actually sold this doll.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 7/10.

* Except then Jesus walks in on his way to prom and is all like "UH UH, HUNTY":

She's the prom queen, king and Holy Ghost.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 9/10.

* Unfortunately for Jaidynn Diore Fierce today's challenge has fallen on laundry day, so she's been forced to recycle her "fall" outfit from episode one:

The beard snaps on with velcro, just like the shoulder pads.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 4/10.

* Then out strides Miss Fame, looking like Rita Hayworth overdosed on hormone pills:

And then went shopping at Supre.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 7/10.

* She's followed by Pearl, who's only stopping in on her way to an audition for the new Zoolander movie:

She looks better if you take crazy pills.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 7/10.

* Also on her way to an audition is Mrs Kasha Davis, who is gunning for the lead role in the new all-gay production of Fiddler on the Roof - "Fiddling with My Poof":

"If I were a rich man... I'd buy some better jewellery."

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 4/10.

* Moving on to Kennedy Davenport who has chosen to honour the Jackson family by coming dressed as all of them at once:

Still looks more normal than Michael.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 5/10.

* Not to be outdone, Katya decides to pay tribute to another dead American hero, Abraham Lincoln:

In his later "disco" years.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 1/10. (I mean, she looks amazing, but I don't want to sleep with her. Soz.)

* Meanwhile, the one queen who actually knows how to paint a convincing beard, Kandy Ho, has opted for a Fu Manchu moustache instead:

If Gia Gunn ever overdosed on testosterone, this is what you'd get.

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 3/10. (That outfit though - I'm gagging.)

* Finally, the moment we've been waiting for: it's Jasmine Masters in The Best Gown That Ever Walked Down The Runway of Drag Race Ever (TBGTEWDTRODRA). Dim the lights, make sure you're seated, take a deep breath and feast your eyes on...

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Love the wig but seriously, painted on stubble? Even Kandy Ho is like "Ugh, that's so last week".

PETSTARR'S TWISTED SEXUAL FANTASY HOTNESS RATING: 2/10 (I was going to give 1, but she looks a bit like Prince in a luxurious wig and that makes me feel funny, so she gets an extra point).

* The votes are in, the points have been tallied... and congratulations to Violet Chachki for being the bearded queen I'd most like to stare at confusedly for extended periods!

But enough of these hirsute pursuits, because...

IT'S SHAKESQUEER TIME!

YES, AGAIN!


* Team Max is first off the blocks, and they get off to a great start with narrator Trixie Mattel demonstrating why she will never win a spelling bee.

"In a world of charisma, uniqueness, talent and nerve..." she begins, while everyone backstage facepalms (or at least, pretends to, so they don't wipe off their foundation).

You stupid cutn.

* Their play is "Romy and Juliet", with Max as Juliet...

Jinkx really needs to put a lock on her wardrobe, seriously.

...and Ginger Minj as Romy, 

No, I mean literally. Does anyone know the Heimlich manoeuvre?

* Both leads turn out Tony-worthy performances and overall it's a great show (I mean, actually great, not just Drag Race standard great - seriously, everyone remembers their lines and no one falls over and they can all actually act, which is a first for this show you have to admit). It's so good no one even minds when Max stops half way through to troll Bianca Del Rio on Twitter:

"@TheBiancaDelRio COMING 4 UR CROWN BITCH LOL ;)"

* Moving on to "Macbitch" from Team Catastrophe, sorry I mean Team Kennedy, who should be commended for staying true to the "tragedy" format in all aspects by turning in the saddest performance since that time Raven and Jujubee lip synced to Robyn.

* In what is possibly a statement on the upcoming American Presidential race, narrator Pearl comes as Donald Trump in costume as a cross-dressing Sir Galahad:

I'm not sure what the statement is, but let's enjoy this moment anyway, shall we?

* Katya, Violet and Jasmine show off their years of theatrical training by standing in a row, looking bored and delivering all their lines to the air:

"Trust me, this always impresses audiences."

* Tired of criticism and wanting to look her best for the judges, Kandy Ho decides to look to past Drag Race queens for inspiration, and out of all the looks from all the seasons settles on this:

Yeah, not a great choice.

* Pearl misses her cues, Violet is out-acted by the set and Jasmine concentrates so hard on her lines she looks like she's pushing out a particularly stubborn turd. I think we can leave the last word to Pearl:

That about sums it up.

* "The reviews are in, and one production are safe from elimination," announces RuPaul, proving that bad theatre really can hurt your brain.

* Of course Team Max is declared victorious with Max crowned the overall winner, because she is Max and therefore the best. Obviously. (Have I mentioned that I love Max?)

* That leaves Team Kennedy Davenport to face the music - which could be a real problem for them, given their total lack of performing skills.

* Katya is praised for her decent performance in "Macbitch", which is a bit like praising a butterfly that's accidentally landed on a dog poo. Carson calls her runway look "intelligent", Scary Spice calls her "flawless". I call her a "saucy bitch" and we move on to...

* Jasmine Masters, who does a practical demonstration of the phenomenon known as "Visagening".

"Oh what a GORGEOUS gown!" RuPaul coos.

Stage one.

"That beard is the most disturbing to me," says Michelle Visage.

Stage two.

* La Visage continues reading Jasmine's beard, telling her it looks like "a chinstrap".

Meanwhile Pearl is all "that's not how you chinstrap".

* "I don't glue stuff to my face, the slightest thing will break me out, so I didn't want to take that chance and put something on my face, then I'm getting rushed to the hospital," Jasmine says.

Just to clarify: Jasmine is apparently deathly allergic to beards.

Which I guess explains why she and Michelle don't get along.

* The Jasmine cook-off continues with Carson criticising her for not knowing her lines. 

Jasmine counters with the excuse that "I knew them, they just weren't coming out the way they should", which is another way of saying it was the words' fault.

"I know how to drive, the car just didn't go the way it should."


"I know how to cook, the oven just didn't work the way it should."


"I know her name, it just didn't come out the way it should."

* "I don't know what it is, but I really like Jasmine," says Scary Spice, who's just returned from a trip to the loo and has missed the entire discussion.

These are the appropriate reactions to that statement.

* Carson reads Kennedy Davenport for her beard, saying it looks like "old pubes".

He's right, fresh pubes would have been better.

* La Visage reads Pearl for her terrible acting stint as Donald Trump's hairpiece in "Macbitch", snipping "You were lifeless and borderline dead."

She's right, Trump's hair does have more life than that.

* "I like borderline dead, I think it's great!" chirps Kat Dennings, as everyone else looks around the studio to determine where the whistling noise is coming from.

* Scary Spice tells Violet her Lady Macbitch was "flat".

"How can anyone be crap at being a bitch?" she says, neatly demonstrating her point in the process.

Mel B for regular judge please and thank you.


* "FYI for all of you girls up there, I don't want to hear any god damn excuses - BE PREPARED," RuPaul snaps, as fire and brimstone start raining down from the studio roof.

"We didn't have time to re-rehearse, and..." begins Jasmine Masters, who is either deaf, has a learning disability or is suffering from an acute case of Thinking People Give A Shit About Your Problems.

"FUCKING MAKE IT WORK! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY GOD DAMN EXCUSES ANY MORE!" roars RuPaul as she levitates above the judges' table to the strains of A Night on Bald Mountain (ironic), laser beams shooting out of her eyes and fireballs spewing out of her wig.

But suddenly Violet-Jesus springs off the stage brandishing a crucifix and shouting "DEMONS I CAST THEE OUT!" and everything goes back to normal.

Thank Christ! I mean... Violet, I guess.

* Suitably chastised, everyone else shuts up and stares straight ahead.

The only face to pull in this situation.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after yet again failing to secure big name backing is this week sponsored by "Hair, There and Everywhere Laser Salon" in Burlington, Iowa. "Got hair there and everywhere? Come to Hair, There and Everywhere!" (Admittedly, their slogan needs a little work.)

Kandy Ho, Katya, Violet Chachki and Pearl are deemed the least crap and sent back to the safe zone, leaving Jasmine Masters and Kennedy Davenport to duke it out for the wooden spoon.

Sadly they won't be lip syncing to South Australian band The Beards, which I think we can all agree is a missed opportunity for everyone.


However the producers have made up for that grievous error by lining up a tune by another Australian talent, Kylie Minogue!

Sadly they've chosen one of her crap new songs, "I Was Gonna Cancel".

What about "Can't Get You Outta My Head"? Or "Spinning Around"? Or better yet, a song by the Spice Girls!

Anyway, on with the lip sync and Jasmine and Kennedy should be commended for somehow managing to make Kylie's most boring song even more boring by doing absolutely nothing engaging whatsoever. Jasmine almost ruins it by crumping in her diamante gown and bordering on entertaining, but Kennedy saves the day by waving her arms around in a disaffected manner, returning everyone's interest levels to zero.

It's a tough choice, like picking your favourite colour of beige, but in the end Kennedy Davenport is saved, leaving Jasmine Masters to sashay away in The Best Gown That Ever Walked Down The Runway of Drag Race Ever.

Any last words, Jasmine?

"COCOOOOOOOOOON!"

Well that's it, kids. Time to read on to EPISODE FOUR! Or you can hop in your Delorean and go back in time to EPISODE TWO?



8 comments :

  1. Thank you for these. I laughed so hard I nearly cried

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  2. I'd have preferred Jasmine stay over pube face as she is far more entertaining.

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  3. another very funny recap, thank you!!

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  4. Damn gurl, you are shady as hell! and I love it! This too fucking hilarious, yet spot on.
    That "COCOOOOOOOOOON!" LMFAO!

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  5. So glad I found your recaps! Hilarious and shady...PS - I've been schooled on the pronunciation of gifs....I always thought it was Hard-g, but I'm told it's Jifs and I've had it wrong all along.

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  6. Girl, the script put "nerve" last because it rhymes with "swerve." Couplets.

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  7. I *liked* the 'Romy and Michelle' nature of their Romeo and Juliet skit name...

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  8. It's okay, girl; I'll sleep with Katya for you. In any outfit, at any time . . . and if her boy/girl drag doesn't make you feel funny feelings, I'm not sure you're human. :P Amazing recap as usual! Your surrealist humor is just perfect for RPDR.

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