Just for something radical and different we begin this episode in the Werq Room (wow!) where all the queens are pretending to care that Jasmine Masters is no longer there.
At least they won't be forced to drink this anymore.
All eyes are on Pearl, who had a near-miss at the elimination thanks to her lacklustre performance and Gen Y slacker ways, and was told to "wake up, wake up, wake up" by RuPaul, like some weird gay version of Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go".
Wait, what do you mean Wham were already gay?
Actually, speaking of pop songs, keep an ear out for RuPaul's latest smash hit single:
Well, it's better than 'Geronimo'.
"Did your life flash before your eyes?" Trixie asks Pearl, who is so stressed from the experience she has spontaneously grown a monobrow.
On a positive note, she's a shoo-in for next week's "Get Plucked" Challenge.
"Pearl has been sleepwalking through this competition, she's gonna need to get her head in the game if she wants any chance of making that top three," says Ginger Minj.
Thankfully a producer is there to oblige:
They learned this trick from Jinkx Monsoon in season five.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where the familiar sounds of RuPaul being strangled are ringing out across the floor.
Either "50 Shades Friday" has rolled around again, or it's time for an Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail, and... HOLY GOD HOW TALL IS MAX?
I love you so much Max, you big freak.
Everyone gathers around the television, Poltergeist style, to find out what the next torture session will be.
"To become America's next drag superstar you need to rock out with your schlock out," RuPaul says.
"But I thought we were supposed to tuck it?"
"Because honey, no queen is un-spoofable," she continues.
"Take it from me - I'm RuPaul the elusive chanteuse."
The queens consider the clues and suddenly yell "we're singing!", which shows quite amazing deductive powers after last week when half of them couldn't recognise a theatre pun.
Suddenly a chill pervades the air and everyone's hair begins to stand on end - even Kandy Ho's painted-on beard starts to tingle. The shelves start to shake violently, sending a can of house paint flying straight into Trixie Mattel's face and giving her a more subtle look than usual, while Mrs Kasha Davis just spins in circles screaming in a desperate attempt to get some screen time. Unfortunately everybody is distracted by a small piece of fluff on the carpet so nobody notices.
Then there's a loud booming noise as the door blasts open and...
Betcha didn't see that coming, eh?
"In showbiz one day you're in on the joke, and the next day the joke's on you," RuPaul says.
"Except if you're me, and then the joke is always on Michelle Visage."
He announces their next challenge: making parody music videos of one of his favourite ever artists - himself.
This is a very diplomatic response to that announcement.
This is perhaps a more accurate response.
I think you'll find this math checks out.
Meanwhile it seems Pearl and Violet didn't get the memo about today's Werq Room fashion theme: "things that can kill you"
No actually, Violet did get the memo - she's come as Violet.
In other news.
Max, Violet and Jaidynn decide to turn "Sissy That Walk" into "Get Ready to Clock", a tribute to 1980s hip hop luminary Flava Flav.
"I don't want the lyrics to be gross, I don't want to rely on grossness or sexuality because that's what people always do," says Max, which prompts Violet to do a spontaneous impression of the special pay-per-view video she watched in her hotel room the night before.
He had his mouth open in the video though.
What the hell, Max? No raunchiness? In a RuPaul parody? On DRAG RACE? GIRL, DO YOU WANT SOME ICE TO GO WITH THAT PRUDE JUICE?
Meanwhile, in another corner of the workroom...
"We could make it about raunchy, dirty sex because that's always funny!" says Miss Fame, before singing "TAKE MY HAND, I WANNA TOUCH YOUR C***!"
"Well that's just vulgar."
In the other corner is Ginger Minj, Mrs Kasha Davis, Kennedy Davenport and Kandy Ho working on their version of "Let the Music Play", "I Got Paid" - a tribute to RuPaul's merchandising skills, and possibly the only song that is going to bear any resemblance to comedy at the end of all this.
RuPaul asks if any of them have experience with writing song parodies, prompting Mrs Kasha Davis to burst into her version of Rihanna's S&M - "Suburban".
If you stare at this in silence for a good 10 seconds you'll get the feel of how that performance went down.
And with that - it's time to record these no doubt smash hit songs, so it's off to the studio!
MUSIC PARODY CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL:* All the queens are super nervous about recording a song, but their fears are allayed when they get to the studio and discover they're being produced by Australian television personality Charlie Pickering:
And people said quitting The Project was a bad idea.
(Yeah, I know non Australian readers won't get this - GOOGLE IT.)
* First up is Katya's group with their hilarious version of "Dance With You" - "Tan With You". Well, OK, not HILARIOUS hilarious but... Anyway, she announces she will be singing in character as a "weird drunk skank" - so she's obviously been studying Willam.
Like a stiletto.
* As it turns out, Katya's "weird drunk skank" is actually Midnight Oil lead singer and former Australian environment minister Peter Garrett, which explains quite a lot about his former government policies.
She dances better though.
* Pearl sings like a sheep on valium caught in a barbed wire fence. Unsurprisingly, this is not what Charlie Pickering was hoping for.
"What are you like when you're on stage?" he asks her.
"I'm wild, I'm totally wild," Pearl says.
This may not be strictly true.
* Trixie isn't much better, so luckily Miss Fame, the self proclaimed "strongest singer of the group", is there to save the day:
Or maybe not.
* Moving on to Team "Sissy That Walk", in which Max, Jaidynn and Violet are going to attempt a recreation of last year's Drag Race finalist music video playing Courtney, Bianca and Adore respectively.
Hey, I seem to remember Darienne Lake being in that video too, wouldn't that have made a better choice for Jai...
"SHUT UP I AM BIANCA!"
"Calm down Beyonce."
* Violet sings a few lines, sounds like a cat down a drain.
"Are you singing that up an octave?" Charlie Pickering asks her.
"I don't know, I don't know all this lingo," she flaps.
"Oh OK, let me say it another way... um... YOU SOUND TERRIBLE."
* Next up is Team "Let the Music Play", allowing Mrs Kasha Davis to finally get some screen time for the first time in four episodes.
I don't know how her performance went, because I spent the entire 30 seconds she was on screen trying to remember who she was.
* Moving on to choreography, and Miss Fame takes the lead for her group because she is the best dancer:
Just a reminder.
* Also I realise I may be showing my age here but can I just ask DOES ANYBODY ELSE SEE THE RESEMBLANCE between Fame and Dandy Warhols singer Courtney Taylor Taylor?
I had a huge crush on CTT in the '90s which would have only exponentially grown had he dabbled in drag (and don't you think he should have? THOSE LIPS!), so this is very exciting/confusing for me and I think I need to lie down right now.
* It's time to shoot, so they all head off to the studio where - oh my goodness look, it's last year's champion Bianca Del Rio!
Has she lost weight?
* Team "Sissy That Walk" is first up, and Violet does a pretty passable impression of Adore Delano - but the same can't be said for Max whose version of Courtney Act's Australian accent sounds like a VHS of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins played on the wrong speed.
I know Courtney only wears lip gloss and hair spray but girl, that doesn't work for everyone.
* "I'm struggling a little bit with the characterisation, Courtney's a little hard to make funny," says Max, in what is a truly expert piece of shade.
Also: it's not that hard to make Courtney Act funny. She was on the Today show recently and had everyone in tears:
On second thought they may NOT have been tears of laughter...
* Having taken advice to be more "animated" rather too literally, Kennedy Davenport comes as Pepe Le Pew in costume as Foghorn Leghorn:
"Yo Trixie Mattel, who's cartoonish now?"
* Meanwhile, let's welcome our special guest judge Lindsay Lohan!
She's never looked better.
* And special guest judge Jane Lynch!
Just give her another margarita, she'll be fine.
* And special guest judge Amanda Bynes!
Can't wait to read about this on Twitter.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines, a half a bottle of vodka... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where everybody is working on their looks for the elimination runway.
Aaaaaaand.... absolutely nothing interesting happens so let's just move right along to...
* In an attempt to secure Cadbury as a sponsor ahead of the Easter holiday, RuPaul comes dressed as an Easter bunny:
Which means that the bunny's nose must be...
OK, so it's not a great costume, but it's better than the first version:
Pearl looks great here, I think.
* Over on the judges' table we catch La Visage dropping in on her way to auditions for a new triple X version of Dickens' classic "Great Sexpectations":
She's playing Miss Ravish'em.
* Also on the panel is Charlie Pickering (well it's not as if he has a job to go to), someone called Ross Matthews and Jessica Alba. So. That's... exciting.
* RuPaul announces the runway theme is "green eleganza". Cut to Michelle Visage pretending to be annoyed. Cut to me anticipating lots of terrible green puns.
Let's at least get this one out of the way now.
* Up first is Pearl living up to her "I'm totally wild on the runway" reputation by coming as the most energetic animal of all, the snake:
Although I guess this does qualify literally as "wild", so... well done, Pearl.
* "If I have to dress in green I'd rather BE something that's green," Pearl says.
* In other news, Miss Fame apparently has red/green colour blindness:
This dress is why Miss Fame is not allowed to drive.
* Trixie Mattel accidentally falls headfirst into a basket of craft supplies on her way to the stage, makes it work anyway:
Trixie's fans are always on her mind.
Restless Leg Syndrome: Let's stamp it out!
* Max, meanwhile, has come as an "antique androgynous Antoinette":
It's historically accurate, because apparently Marie Antoinette didn't know what green was either.
That damn glomesh bra has had more screen time than Mrs Kasha Davis.
* Moving on to Violet Chachki who has decided to honour the "green" theme by coming as the greenest queen of them all, Laganja Estranja:
You know, if Laganja knew how to dress and looked totally gorgeous.
* Sadly Violet's necklace slips off her decolletage and gets caught in her butt crack, but she makes it work anyway:
Normally she wears a pearl necklace there, but this works too.
* Meanwhile, Raja really shouldn't drink so much before agreeing to these guest judge appearances:
Also, note to self: don't go swimming after bleaching your hair.
* Next down the runway is Mrs "Casha" Davis looking a million bucks:
Well, at least $2.50 anyway.
* Followed by Kennedy Davenport, who hasn't quite got the point that a "reveal" should actually reveal something exciting:
Ooh, ooh, it's... it's...
A dress. Yay.
* Then comes Ginger Minj, and...
GOD I'M SO FUCKING BORED.
Seriously, apart from Pearl has anybody done anything interesting with the theme?
Even Kermit does better green drag than these queens.
* Thankfully the runway ends and we're all rescued from boredom-induced unconsciousness by the screening of "Tan With You" starring Trixie, Pearl, Katya and Miss Fame, which sounds like an autotune machine mated with an Atari and got dropped off the side of a building.
It also includes this moment, so Katya wins everything, as usual.
*Note: Will not be interesting at all.
* Violet does a pretty good Adore...
Needs more pizza.
* Jaidynn does an excellent Bianca...
It's Bianca after spending too long in the "Tan With You" video.
* And Max does an excellent young Meryl Streep:
Oh, she's supposed to be Courtney Act? That's... not great then.
* Moving on to "I Got Paid" from Ginger Minj, Kennedy Davenport, Mrs Kasha Davis and Kandy Ho, aka the Seduction 2016 Reunion Tour, and it turns out all of them can actually write funny lyrics and sing so... no shade here.
* Also, special mention to Kennedy Davenport for spoofing Sweet Brown and proving she may actually have a sense of humour.
This wasn't part of the video, this is just a normal afternoon backstage.
* It seems RuPaul agrees, as she declares Kennedy this week's big winner! Hooray Kennedy! I wonder what she'll get - maybe some jewellery? Or a couture gown? Or some custom made shoes? Or maybe....
In what seems to be a less than subtle bit of shade, Kennedy Davenport is awarded three years' worth of household cleaning products by The Honest Company. Seriously, that's like giving a musical theatre graduate lessons in how to say "would you like fries with that?".
What fuckery is this? Who owns this "Honest Company"?
Oh right, thanks Jessica. COME BACK ANY TIME.
* Katya, Ginger Minj, Jaidynn and Miss Fame are declared safe, and so head to the backstage lounge to huff some Honest drain cleaner with Kennedy.
* Michelle Visage begins to read Pearl, but as per her sponsorshop agreement with the National Breast Cancer Foundation stops herself half way through to do a breast check:
She hasn't quite got the hang of it yet.
* "We want more vitality and more energy and more star power," Charlie Pickering tells Pearl, who is currently dressed as a sequinned snake with fangs and a neck frill.
"You want star power? You want star power? I GOTCHA STAR POWER RIGHT HERE, PAL."
* The person called Ross Matthews says "LOL" out loud, so we can probably disregard all of his opinions from now on.
* "You are not standing out for me," Charlie Pickering tells Trixie.
"But... I've got a fan on my head?"
* "I do enjoy your look tonight, I just wish it were all green," La Visage tells Max.
* La Visage continues with a critique of Max's performance in the video, saying: "In your group you were the weakest - Courtney Act is not easy to do, she's not a big personality."
* Then Michelle says Max should have been "the drag version of Courtney Act".
* "If you look around, everyone else has a look, a concept. I don't think a pretty dress is enough," the person called Ross Matthews tells Kandy Ho.
At least Kandy's dress is green.:
Mrs Kasha Davis makes a joke about Bea Arthur being inside her (which must be uncomfortable given she died six years ago) and then all the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after yet again failing to secure big name backing is this week sponsored by The Honest Company cleaning products.
Literally the only one who is happy about this.
Violet, Max and Mrs Kasha Davis are sent back to the safe zone, leaving Trixie "You're Not Standing Out" Mattel, Pe "Are You A Stoner Girl" Arl and Kandy "A Pretty Dress Ain't Gonna Cut It" Ho on the starting blocks.
Well, this is a no brainer. Bye Kandy H...
I DO NOT CARE FOR THESE SURPRISE ELIMINATIONS, RUPAUL.
Look, I know Pearl is about as vibrant as a half washed sock that fell behind the dryer, and Trixie has displayed as much personality as the Barbie doll she tries so hard to emulate, but COME ON! I mean... just... COME ON.
Anyway the die is cast, there's no turning back, it's time for a lip sync to Blondie's "Dreaming" which, coincidentally, is exactly what it looks like Pearl is doing:
At least she's keeping on theme.
While Pearl demonstrates such complex dance moves as "pointing to the left" and "pointing to the right", Trixie is more camp than a row of tents, throwing herself around the stage and acting out all the lyrics like she's auditioning for an Auslan gig.
It's no surprise then that in the end, Trixie is told to... SASHAY AWAY?
I CAN'T COPE WITH ALL OF THIS SHOCK, RUPAUL.
Pearl is told to shantay and stay, which she'd happily do if she only knew what it meant, while Trixie Mattel is sent packing.
It's the Hamlet of Drag Race eliminations: tragic all round.
"Hamlet? No thanks, I'm vegetarian."
Trixie departs with grace and class, leaving me with absolutely no comedic potential whatsoever, so let's give the final word to Pearl, who celebrates her victory by spontaneously auditioning for a Nurofen commercial:
TFW when you can't remember where you put your car keys.
Well that's it for this week. Now go on to EPISODE FIVE... or go back in time and relive EPISODE THREE!