Tuesday, September 01, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 9

It's late night after the cocktail party, and everyone is sitting around in their customary "bedtime makeup" mourning the recent eviction of... er... what was her name again? You know the one. Blonde. Never said anything.



No.


No.


ANAL GLANDS! But no.


That's her! I'd recognise that face anywhere.

"The group is definitely getting smaller," says Hey Bro!, just in case you were doubting the minimising effects on a group of removing two people from it every week.

Just then a gust of wind blows through the open door, sending a chill through the house and the curtains fluttering. Then the lights flicker and die, plunging the group into darkness as a low rumbling noise begins to emanate from underneath the floorboards. The girls clutch each other in fear as the door suddenly springs open to reveal...


Last year's host Osher Gunsberg! What's he doing here?

"Ladies, I've just been with Sam," he announces.


"Gentlemen don't kiss and tell, Osher."

After he fills them in on all the juicy details (under the shirt, with tongue, behind the boat shed) he reaches deep into his underpants, pulls out a yellow manila envelope and throws it on the floor shouting "SUCK ON THAT, DORKS", before giving them the finger and walking out.

Yes, it's another single date card. Who could it be for? We just don't know! It could really be anyone at this point etc. etc. etc.

"It can't be Nina, for the life of me it just can't be fricking Nina," says Emily, who I'm starting to think might have a grudge against the Shag Mansion's resident Guinness Record holder.

Incidentally, Emily is going for her own Guinness Record, for the longest amount of time spent talking about Nina.

Sensing she may not have much time left on the show but keen to remain on television, Emily starts using her screen time to audition for an upcoming Nurofen commercial.

" I mean none of us like Nina," she continues.

"Right? Guys?"

As it turns out the date is for Bec, and carries the cryptic clue "let's blow it all sky high".

I sincerely hope this means they will be doing one of the following:

Forming a Newton tribute act and starting a tour of mainland RSLs.


Getting sky high on massive piles of blow.


Helping to remove landmines in Cambodia.

"I'm thinking rockets, monkeys and a circus," says Heather triumphantly.

Girl, seriously?

They could barely pull off "Italian picnic", I don't think rockets and circus animals are likely.

So Bec puts on her most lightweight dress for no particular reason and trips off to a local park to meet Sam, who is picking her up in a helicopter.

Darn.

"Bec had a bit of a Marilyn Monroe moment," laughs Sam.

I assume this is what he means.

Things get even better for Bec when they arrive at their destination and she gets sprayed with gutter water by a passing car:

"Seriously, am I on Punk'd right now or what?"

Just when you thought this date couldn't get any better Sam and Bec go to "iFly Down Under", which sadly is not a sex club for entomologists but an indoor sky-diving venue, because we humans are apparently so bored with all the wonders of the world we can now only experience joy by putting ourselves in giant perspex tubes and floating around at great expense.

What follows is three and a half minutes of Bec and Sam being blown by fans inside a giant perspex tube (which coincidentally is the exact synopsis of Annabel Chong's latest DVD, out now), and making hilarious faces.

Like this! Ha ha!


And this! HA HA HA HA HA!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! 
Oh, wait.

Back at the Shag Mansion, Emily and Hey Bro! have taken up their positions on Picturesque Verandah Number 1 to discuss how terrible Nina is, a topic that no one else seems to be interested in but them.

"If Nina stays over anyone else in the house now, I don't know what's going through Sam's head," Emily says.

Funny, I can think of at least two things.

"Sam will give Bec a rose, she'll be safe, and someone else will go home this week," Emily says confidently.

This is what is known in the industry as "ironic foreshadowing".

And so we go back to Sam and Bec, who have stopped getting blown long enough to make their way to yet another random gazebo (I swear, the producers have a list of every gazebo, pavilion and arbor within a 25km radius of the Sydney CBD) for what must be the 600th champagne and cheese picnic of the series so far.

If no one is either a) alcoholic or b) fat by the end of this series, I will be extremely disappointed.

"WOOD YOUSE LOIKE A GLASS OF CHAMPOYNE?" Sam asks.

Realising that conversation with Sam might be difficult on account of his not actually speaking English, Bec pulls out some conversation helpers, nifty cards with fun questions on them like "Who's your favourite 18th century philosopher?" and "What's the name of that song I like again?" and "Do you have any STIs?".

"What's your worst ever date?" asks Sam, reading off the first card.

Hmm, let me think. Was it the one where she had to help change a tyre, then got drenched on a jet boat, and then was forced to eat a salad of fried grasshoppers? Or was it the one where her skirt almost blew off on national television and then she got sprayed with dirty gutter water? So many options...

While Bec weighs up which of her two dates with Sam has been the worst ever, Sam steps to stage left and delivers a heartfelt soliloquy about his feelings.

"I'm just trying to assess, is this a girl I get on fantastically well with and we have a lot in common, or is it someone that you instantly know there's a romantic connection?" he says.

"Sorry, who are you actually talking to?"

In an attempt to get things back on track, or at least in the first person, Bec pulls out another conversation card which reads "So... fuck it?".

Bec: So, fuck it?

Sam: Yeah, fuck it.

Bec: I reckon.

Sam: No worries.

Bec: See ya!

Jeez, lucky that car was waiting there.

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, everyone is doing their best impressions of People Who Know Nothing About What Is Happening on Bec's Date.

"She must be having such a good time!" beams Hey Bro!.

"She'll totally come back with a rose!' chirps Emily.

"I don't think at this point anybody would not come back with a rose!" says Banana, who has just learned about double negatives and isn't not keen to show them off.

But their happy mood is interrupted by a deafening crack of thunder which reverberates across the walls, setting the chandeliers wobbling in their sockets, their crystals tinkling. The room goes black and the women scream as they scramble to find one of the 17,000 candles in the house which, in a sad twist of irony, were removed just hours before due to fire safety concerns.

Just then, out of nowhere, a flash of lightning illuminates the room and reveals...

AAAAAAGH!

"I didn't mean to startle you," Sam says, in much the same way that serial killers do in the movies when they've just startled someone.

"With Bec today we had a fantastic day, but if I'm being honest with myself there wasn't that romantic connection.

"She won't be coming home."

Oh, um... OK. That's cool, Sam....

"The biggest thing we usually discuss is whether you're going to come home with a rose or not, and now all of a sudden it's like - are you even going to come home at all?" says Nina, trying to locate the nearest exit.

"As you know, I came here to find love," Sam says.

"SO STEP IT THE FUCK UP AND STOP MESSING ME AROUND," he yells, throwing Bec's unused rose into the fire and spitting on it before storming out.

The women consider calling the police but then remember the producers take away their champagne privileges if they catch them using the phone, so they instead appoint Emily as night watchman and go to bed.

The next morning Sam opens up his copy of "The Movie Psycho Killer's Playbook", turns to chapter two entitled "Show Up Unexpectedly With Creepy Gifts" and heads off to the Shag Mansion with a basket full of bananas.

"This will really freak them out."

"I'm here to foind a rool woman to have a rool relationship with and to moy that's not fancy cocktail parties with fancy ballgowns and tuxedos," Sam says, demonstrating a fundamental lack of understanding of the television show he's signed up for, which is literally 85 per cent cocktail parties, ballgowns and tuxedos.

No, according to Sam "foinding a rool woman" involves rocking up to their house unannounced with a basket of bananas and cooking them pancakes.

Which he does, with predictable results.

They're all pretty chill about it, really.

Everyone immediately grabs the nearest thing that can double for makeup and gets to work before Sam can see their hideous naked faces: Nina dabs flour into her T-zone, Banana rubs a piece of burnt toast across her eyelashes and Sarah smashes a can of tomato paste on the benchtop and smears it on her cheeks. The end result is like a war time cabaret show from a particularly destitute concentration camp.

Not Heather, though. Heather is cool. That's why she's wearing a felt onesie complete with "butt flap", because she's totally an adult.

"Heather looked so cute in her onesie," says Sam, with about as much conviction as you could expect a 34 year old to have when saying that sentence..

I don't even want to know how this flap works.

"Where's Emily?" asks Sam, knowing full well that Emily is probably upstairs microdermabrasing something, or brushing her hair 99 times while chanting positivity mantras into the mirror, or sacrificing puppies or whatever.

"You've got 10 seconds to get down here or you miss out," Sam shouts up the stairs, which is the second most romantic thing he's said on this show after "I didn't mean to startle you".

And before you can say "what the fuck is that on her forehead", Emily is down in the kitchen.

What the fuck IS that on her forehead?

As it turns out it's hair dye, which probably explains why Emily didn't shoot down the stairs the moment she heard her potential boyfriend walk in the door.

Given this new information, Nina's earlier assessment that Emily "never comes down to breakfast without a set of heels on and her hair done perfectly" seems rather unfair.

But fuck it, every show needs a villain. Sorry, Emily.

Sam cooks up some pancakes and everyone reacts as though he's just produced a 12 course degustation with matched wines, cooing things like "How can you say you're not a good cook?" and "These are awwwwesommmme!' and "Thanks dad!".

Sam chuckles and dishes out ice cream and berries and then makes them all get dressed because the sleepover is finished and their mums will be coming to pick them up any minute now.

Then he pulls a manila envelope out of Heather's butt flap, drops it on the table, and runs out the door and back to his pad where his one true love, Osher, is waiting.

Sadly the women haven't yet twigged to that budding romance and assume they all still have a chance, so Nina rips open the envelope.

Everyone is in agreement that the date has to be for Hey Bro!, the only one left who hasn't yet had a single date.

Except nah, it's for Sarah.

And the Oscar goes to...

And so Sarah waltzes off for her second date with Sam, leaving Hey Bro! with nothing to do but rub kero into Emily's forehead. As long as she keeps her away from a naked flame.

Now, you thought the amateur dramatics dessert buffet was a grand gesture.

You thought the Italian trestle table was romantic.

Well wait until you cop a load of...

THE SHED.

Meanwhile, watching from the top of the hill:

"But that's OUR shed... :("

"It was really cute that he took me to his house. Just very, very personal," gushes Sarah, who apparently has trouble distinguishing between someone's actual house and a TV set.

"Oy know you love woine, and you love woineries, so stick this bloindfold on and prove it," says Sam.

Yes, it seems that just as Banana's offhand mention of Star Wars led to her having to eat a sugar Death Star, the one time Sarah exclaimed "gee this pinot grigio is good" now means she will have to undergo a blindfolded tasting to prove how dedicated her love of wine really is.

This highlights an important lesson for the others in the Shag Mansion: never announce that you like something, or you will be forced to endure it manifested in the most irritating way.

"Yep. That's definitely a red."

As always, today's date has been sponsored by the National Cheese Board Advisory Group (NCBAG), which stipulates mandatory brie and grape platters get at least 20 per cent screen time in all Bachelor episodes.

Sarah aces the wine tasting, Sam is impressed because she's like, just a girl, and then they watch the sunset together. Given it is broad daylight during the wine tasting I can only assume they spent at least six hours just hanging around in the shed drinking all the leftover booze, which is coincidentally how I like to spend my weekends too.

And look, I might as well put my two cents in right now and say I think Sarah is going to take this whole competition home, it's so obvious they're perfect together. Partly because they're both career driven, partly because they're both a bit boring, but mostly because, as Sam says, "she lives two suburbs away" from him. No one wants to stuff around with interstate romances.

Clearly Sam agrees with me as he gives Sarah a rose, and tries to pash her but she blocks him with her wine glass. (She really DOES love wine, then.). But a bit of boring small talk later and...

Finally. Can we move on now?

And thus concludes Sarah's second totally boring and uneventful date.


Come on son, you'l never get to double digits this way.

Moving on to the cocktail party where Emily is doing a live reading of volume two of her forthcoming book series "Did I Mention I Don't Like Nina Very Much?".

"It shocks me to my very core who is left," she says.

"Heather I don't understand at all. Snezana I don't see with Sam, mostly for the fact that she's got a daughter. Nina I thought would go in the first one to two weeks."

Out now.

"I think I would definitely be in the top two," she continues.

Remember that thing I said earlier about ironic foreshadowing? Oh, no reason. Just thought I'd mention it again.

Not content with leaving all the irony to Emily, Sam shows up and starts loudly proclaiming how great it is that the group is so small now.

"Now I can spend quality time with all of you and get to know you all better!" he guffaws.

Nek minit:

"Dude, did it really mean NOTHING to you?"

Bristling with jealousy, Osher drags Sam outside for a good talking to.

"Dude, you know what happened this morning was real. YOU KNOW IT."

But just as Osher is about to fall to his knees and shout "I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU" they're interrupted by a fembot clone of Heather which has somehow escaped from the producers' laboratory and wandered onto the property:

"HEY. DUDE. THIS IS. TOTES. HECTIC."

The Heatherbot 3000 is just like its carbon-based alternate in every way, except more elegant and feminine, and it can crush cans in its armpits.

It has other useful features too.

"Jeez, oym getting day-sha voo back to the first noit!" exclaims Sam.

OH YOU DON'T SAY.

Introductions done, the Heatherbot 3000 rolls off down the path to meet the other women and start asserting its dominance over them, while simultaneously studying them to better learn how to mimick human emotion.

And there's a good range for a kick off.

Of course, a new contestant - human or otherwise - throws everyone into a tailspin, except for Emily who declares she's not bothered by "intruders".

Yep, she's totally cool with it.

"I've just started making some ground with Sam and now another girl comes out of nowhere," moans Hey Bro!, who hasn't had a single date with Sam since the series began and has made less ground with him than the Shag Mansion's limo driver.

But hark! What sound yonder?

It's another chick, obviously, but it's unclear if she's another intruder or if she just got lost on her way to a Labyrinth themed costume party.

Don't ask to see her bog of eternal stench.

Her name is Rachel and she is a "food blogger" which, going by the video package that accompanies her arrival, means she spends her time sitting in cafes with her laptop taking photos of food, but not actually eating it.

"I get to go to restaurants and parties and events and get the food and the drinks complimentary, it's a really fun lifestyle," she says.

"Oh my god, free shit! Let me Instagram it!"

Sam seems bowled over by Rachel (even when he asks what she does and she just shouts "FOOD BLOGGER"), mostly because she resembles his childhood crush Claudia Schiffer.

"What's your favourite food?" Sam asks, hoping she'll say pancakes.

"STEAK. I LOVE MY FOOD," she shouts, her clavicles desperately attempting to exit her chest.

"BUT ONLY IF IT'S FREE."

Just as Sam is about to ask Rachel about her family she learns there's free champagne and canapes inside the house and so bolts off with her iPhone shouting "WHAT'S THE HASHTAG FOR TONIGHT?".

"There's two new girls and they're going to live with us in this house. In our house. Like, it's literally our house. Eating our food," says Hey Bro!, the concept of two new housemates only just dawning on her.

"Did I mention they're going to live with us?"

Back inside, the women are discussing the new girls' chances of getting a rose from Sam.

"I'm gonna say no because I think intruders are bullshit and B, not necessary and C, not enough time," says Emily, before pouring herself another pint of champagne and shouting "AND D... IS FOR DICK HA HA HA!"

Meanwhile, in another room:

Foiled!

It seems Sam is hot for the fembot, more so than for Rachel whose most impressive moment comes when she tells him how her cat "died in her arms", and then she got a new one.

"Oh right... Hey I think I hear my phone ringing inside, excuse me just a minute..."

Oh hey, did you guys know that Emily doesn't like Nina?

Just thought I'd check, because Emily is slagging her off and I didn't want you to be all shocked or anything.

"I think Nina's going to go home tonight, I don't see them together, I think he needs someone who is more ladylike," she says.

What, more ladylike than this?

Feeling utterly confident in her position in the top two, Emily saunters off with Sam for a private chat totally free from ironic foreshadowing.

"How do you view me?" she asks.

Visual representation of the answer Emily is expecting.

"I... just... think you're a slow burner," Sam stutters.

WRONG ANSWER.

"I just... I think I'm a bit of a goof," says Sam.

"Yep, I think I am too," chirps Emily, whose idea of "goofiness" is coming down to breakfast with a bit of hair dye on your forehead.

"Bitch, seriously?"

"You're a bit more glitz and glamour than the girl I would typically fall for," says Sam, sweating as he continues to navigate this social minefield.

"Like the other day at breakfast, all the girls were down and you were upstairs putting a little touch on..."

Well, it was good while it lasted.

Still under the misapprehension that she can wrestle this disaster back in her favour, Emily launches into a big explanation of why she was late to breakfast, which is all about Nina being horrible.

Of course it is.

Emily in 2025.

Then Sam tells her he doesn't know if they're suited, and Emily practically explodes from shock, because she clearly hasn't been watching this show.

"I've never had anyone say this to me before!" she cries, neatly summing up the problem in one succinct sentence.

"I feel like you are a little bit highly strung, more so than you think you are," Sam continues, gracefully stepping directly on another land mine.


"But... I'm hot?"


"There are shho many thingshh I could shhay," she says, the seven pints of fruity lexia finally starting to kick in.

"Go on, say it," says Sam.

When you forget the cutting insult you were going to say so pretend you're elegantly rising above the argument.

"Well you either like me as I am or you don't," she concludes, slipping off the chaise lounge and faceplanting into a potted palm.

"GET ME A MARGARITA!" she shouts, as Sam neatly sidesteps her head and we finally move on because....

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Heather and the Heatherbot 3000 stand side by side, defy laws of physics by not pulling together and smashing to smithereens.

DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS!

* "For the seven of you without a rose, tonight Sam has only six roses to give out," says Osher, before bursting into tears and shouting "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!"

* Hey can someone get Emily a drink?

She's parched.

* "Nina Nina Nina Nina Nina Nina Nina," says Emily, before falling off the podium and directly into a goonbag.

* "Rose rose rose Hey Bro! rose rose," says Sam.

"Der, you've forgotten to say my name, you moron."

* "If Nina stayed over me I think there's something very wrong here," says Emily.

"I'm definitely here to find love and I think that's something I could find with Sam," says Nina.

"FOOD BLOGGER," says Rachel.

* Seriously, can someone please get Emily a drink?

How many times do I have to ask?

Both the food blogger and the fembot get roses, and so ultimately it comes down to two old girls duking it out for the final rose - THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN between best friends Nina and Emily.

There's only one rose left on the platter, but two women standing, a situation which everyone finds thoroughly confusing until the Heatherbot solves the equation in her central processing unit and determines that one woman will have to go home.

But who will Sam choose?

No one, as it turns out, because Emily makes a bolt for the bar before he gets to say a word.

This is what happens when you make a girl wait too long for a drink.

Sam waits for the door to hit Emily in the arse on the way out, then realises she doesn't have an arse, and just hands over the final rose to Nina.

"This rose was always for you, Nina," he says, as an anguished scream sends birds scattering outside.

And as the other women retire to their beds in the Shag Mansion, Emily stumbles towards her limo. But as she takes a final slug from her take-away cup of sparkling white, she trips and falls on the stairs, whispering with her final breath...

"NINNNNAAAAAA!"

OK that's it - let's press on and READ EPISODE 10.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE EIGHT again right now!



2 comments :

  1. Emily walks out the door and the bachelor and her say absolute zip to each other. So much more could have been made of that. The American series would have never let that one slide without yelling or tears between the bachelor and Emily and all the girls. Lift your game Australian producers.

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  2. The american one lets them rip each others throats out. I wish the Australian one wasn't quite so civil.

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