Tuesday, September 01, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 10

We kick things off in the rumpus room of the Shag Mansion where all the bachelorettes are lounging around in Dotti's new casual separates range discussing Nietzsche's theory of the Ubermensch.


"But if god really is dead, won't that lead to a moral vacuum of nihilism?" asks Heather.

"And to what extent is that a critique of the modern western middle class value system?"

Still grappling with the mathematics of two new girls arriving, Hey Bro! concentrates on convincing herself that she has a romantic connection with Sam.

"It's exhausting coming all this way, creating such a close connection with Sam and you've got two other girls that have just literally come out of nowhere," she says.

"I mean, I've just gotten to the point where Sam nods and smiles at me in the hallway and now it's all going to be ruined!"

Just then a small piece of gravel that was stuck in Sarah's shoe falls to the floor and starts stammering greetings at the new girls.

"Hello Rachel, hello Heatherbot 3000, it's lovely to see you in this capacity, and by 'this capacity' I mean that I'm here," it says, barely making sense (which is perhaps unsurprising for a piece of gravel).

Smooth.

"Here is an envelope, and by 'envelope' I mean this envelope, actually two of them, in this capacity here, and hello, it's good to envelope you," says the piece of gravel, throwing two manila envelopes at the girls in panic before rolling out the door.

Two envelopes, two dates. Who could it be? We just don't know. It could be anyone at this stage etc. etc.

Being the only bachelorette who has not yet been on a single date, Hey Bro! knows at least one of the cards has to have her name on it.

"It's Heather!" announces Banana.

Never mind mate... maybe next time?

"'This could be the sweetest day of all'," Banana reads from the card, so prepare yourself for some sickly, childish bullshit like I dunno, a ride in an ice cream van to a picnic with desserts made into the shape of animals or something. Just a guess.

But what about that second card?

"Everyone. Meet me in the garden now. Osher," reads the Heatherbot 3000, whose language software has come a long way in just 24 hours.

"LET'S GO! THIS IS EXCITING!" they all squeal and bounce out the door, not noticing the evil glint in her vision receptors.

DON'T GO, IT'S A TRAP!

But just before the Heatherbot's drone squad can descend on the Shag Mansion garden to gun everyone down with lasers, Osher and Sam appear and she has to call the mission off.

"Now we've called you all here to make a special announcement about me and Sam," says Osher.

"Wait, what? No we haven't..."

"It all started behind the boat shed," Osher continues before Sam cuts him off and announces they're all going to some hotel for a group date.

Well, all of them except Heather, Sarah and Hey Bro!.

:(

Oh alright, Hey Bro! can come too.

:)

Next thing you know Sam and his harem of five are at some swanky city hotel putting on blindfolds, so I can only assume they're all about to have some sort of Fifty Shades themed orgy.

"OK girls, now pants off and we'll get this thing started."

Meanwhile:

OMG IT'S BATCH MAN!

They all stumble into a room, take their blindfolds off, and...

After blowing all their money on Sarah's wine tasting last week the producers have finally worked out a way to avoid production costs altogether.

Sadly the "dating with cateracts" theme is not to be, as someone eventually turns on the night vision camera and we can see what's really about to happen - dining in the dark.

Given that appears to be curry on the table, we can probably assume there will be some farting in the dark later too.

Everyone stumbles around in the pitch black, tripping over chairs, spilling wine bottles and trying not to fall face first into the vindaloo.

Meanwhile:

"What's the problem? Can't you guys just turn on your infra red sensors?"

Meanwhile:

"HOW AM I GONNA INSTAGRAM THIS?"

Pretty soon everyone is shoving handfuls of food into their mouths and pouring wine all over themselves in what looks like the trailer for "Paranormal Activity 14: The Devil's Dinner".

"What's the one biggest turn off for you in a guy?" Sam asks.

"Bad teeth," shouts Nina.

"Girly hands," yells Banana.

"OUT OF DATE SOFTWARE."

There's a brief moment of awkwardness when Rachel is mistaken for someone with a personality and they attempt to engage her in conversation, but then they remember that she's even more boring than the last Rachel was and so give up.

Finally the date comes to an end, and it's time for Sam to choose which bachelorette he'd like to see more of, literally.

Oh well clearly he'll have to say Hey Bro!, because she's been there so long and hasn't had a single date at all and...

"Heatherbot 3000," says Sam.

Sensing her time on the show may be almost up, Hey Bro! immediately decides to devote the rest of her on screen time to auditioning for a role in the next Pirates movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Western Suburbs.

"It was really, really nice to see you all," says Sam, who hasn't actually seen any of them and doesn't care, as he trips out the door with the fembot.

"There were two things I first noticed about you," Sam tells the Heatherbot.

"Firstly, your eyes."

"Thank you, they're 8.1 megapixel."

"Beyond that, it was your sophistication," Sam gushes.

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, the original organic Heather feels a shudder.

"HOW MUCH MORE SOPHISTICATED DO YOU WANT, DUDE?"

"The more I discover about the Heatherbot 3000 the more I like her," beams Sam.

"She's inquisitive, she's intelligent, she's got this understated confidence.

"She reminds me of someone too, but I just can't put my finger on it."

DUDE.

"You seem very mature," Sam continues, amazed that a 27-year-old woman can have a conversation without once mentioning Barbies or needing to go wee wee.

Then he tells her he wishes she'd arrived on the first night, and that he's so glad to have met her, and that basically he's in love with her and they can cancel the rest of the series, and all the while the Heatherbot is like:

"BLEEP. BLOOP."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and here's Heather, waiting on the side of the road for her sickly sweet single date with Sam.

Suddenly a dark cloud passes overhead, filling the air with a chill, and the tinkly, off-key sounds of a child's music box can be heard in the distance.

TINK. TINKY-TINK. TINK.

The creepy music grows louder.

TINKY-TINK TINK TINK TINKY-TINK.

Is that...

Greensleeves?

The Bachelor, directed by Wes Craven.

"WA HA HA HA!" thunders Heather as she steps into the ice cream van, because finally her dream of starring in a real life Zach Braff movie is coming true.

"OH MAN I JUST LOVE SEEING HIS SMILING FACE I JUST LOVE BEING AROUND HIM HE MAKES ME GO GIRLY IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING EVER I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT WHERE THIS CAN GO," sighs Heather.

Anyone else reckon Heather is heading for an epic let down in about four episodes time? 
Nah, that doesn't happen on this show.

Because this show cares about entertaining its viewers by being unique and different every episode, Sam takes Heather to...

Outer space!


A men's shelter!


A slaughterhouse!

No, actually he just takes her to

ANOTHER FUCKING GAZEBO.

Except this time there's no cheese in sight (the National Cheese Board Advisory Group will have something to say about that). Instead there is a whole table full of sugary desserts because today is "the sweetest day of all"! OH HOW CLEVERLY THEMATIC.

"This is your Alice in Wonderland moment," Sam tells Heather, which is odd because I don't remember any part of Lewis Carroll's book in which Alice is taken to a shitty concrete gazebo decorated with plastic butterflies and forced to eat cakes like she's three years old.

Hopefully what he actually means is they're going to drop acid, smoke a hookah and talk about words for the rest of the afternoon.

To be honest, these things would be much more entertaining on acid.

There are chocolate teddy bears and sugar rabbits and candy chickens and mini toadstools and it's all so revoltingly twee I can't believe Heather isn't throwing up all over it. Not that you'd notice if she did.

Now Sam's "You seem very mature" comment from earlier makes more sense. Does he actually realise these women are adults?

Sam and Heather's regression into childhood continues with a conversation about happiness that is so boring ("Are you a happy person?" "Yeah, are you a happy person?" "Yeah!") that I will both of them to immediately contract diabetes.

"I can honestly say right now that from the word go, the day that I met Sam, I knew that he was someone I would be able to fall in love with," says Heather.

Nah, totally not heading for a fall.

Back at the Shag Mansion, the Heatherbot 3000 has mistaken Rachel the food blogger's lack of personality and constant attachment to her iPhone to mean she is also a robot, and is attempting a system link up to share critical software updates.

"Have you made friends with the other girls?" the Heatherbot asks, as she attempts to plug her USB into Rachel's ear.

"If I wanted to make friends I would have joined my local touch football team," Rachel says.

"Wait, touch football is that thing where you dress all in white and drink champagne in the park, right?"

Meanwhile, Heather and Sam's insulin dependent date is still going on, with the two of them getting ever more crazed as the sugar kicks in.

"You are for real the oldest and the youngest 29-year-old I've ever met," says Sam, once again amazed that an actual adult woman can think and talk at the same time without once needing to suck on her dummy.

"I love that you keep me guessing, and I love that every time I hang out with you I just don't know where it's going to go," enthuses Heather, which is great because that is absolutely something that will continue when this TV show is over, no doubt.

Then Sam says Heather has "so many contagious qualities", so I hope they remember to use protection.

"I KNOW THAT I AM FALLING FOR THIS GUY I KNOW THAT I DO WANT A FUTURE WITH HIM I KNOW THAT I DO WANT TO BE THE GIRL THAT'S HERE AT THE END, I DO," says Heather.

...

She gets a rose, the memory of which will hopefully comfort her when Sam eventually breaks her heart and proposes to someone else.

Moving on to the cocktail party, where Rachel the food blogger is unsuccessfully attempting to bond with the Heatherbot by gossiping about the other bachelorettes.

"I'm definitely not getting that vibe of being their friend, are you?" she says, laughing,

"Yeah, a little bit," says the Heatherbot.

This is the face of someone who has just realised their strategy may have failed.

Do you feel like we're apart from the other girls?" the Heatherbot asks, while using her excess RAM to calculate that actually they are 12 metres apart from the other girls.

"Well it's not going to kill my life if people don't like me," Rachel concludes, before taking a photo of her champagne and tweeting it with the hashtag "#blessed".

Back inside, Sarah asks Hey Bro! who she thinks is going home tonight, and Hey Bro! says that it's hard to tell because it's up to Sam. And thus concludes another scintillating conversation in the Bachelor house.

Anyway enough of all this faffing around...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* With just seven girls left overall, everyone is feeling nervous.

Except for the Heatherbot 3000, who can't feel anything. 
Also, she's out of battery.

* "For the six of you without a rose, Sam has only five to give out," says a small china horse on the mantlepiece no one has ever noticed before.

It is unclear whether that figure includes Nina's boobs or not.

* "It would be a real kick in the face if one of the new girls has made a connection with Sam so quickly that it overrides the connection I've made with him in the entire journey," says Nina.

Recognising the command "connection override", the Heatherbot 3000 snaps into action and remotely shuts down the Shag Mansion's wi-fi. Now no one can watch Netflix, great.

* "Rose rose rose rose," says Sam.

* Meanwhile, everyone starts looking around for Godzilla, a team of superheroes or the oncoming tsunami suggested by the absolutely batshit crazy orchestral music swelling over the top of what is so far a pretty mundane scene.

"FIRE UP, YOU BASTARDS IT'S A GOD DAMN ROSE CEREMONY!"

As always it comes down to two: Rachel the one Sam has just met and Hey Bro! the one Sam has known for 10 whole episodes but has chosen not to hang out with at all.

I wonder what will happen here...

"Rachel," says Sam.

"Hey Bro!, you didn't receive a rose," declares the small china horse.

"Hey bro, I know," she says.

"Or a single date," says the horse.

"Yes, thanks," she says.

"Like, in 10 whole episodes," the horse continues.

"YES, THANK YOU," says Hey Bro! and elegantly sashays out the door.

For the full effect, play this at the same time.

Well that's it for this episode... time to move on and READ EPISODE 11! Or go back in time right now and READ EPISODE NINE again! Why the hell not?



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