Saturday, September 12, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 12

After spending the weekend on a diet of dry toast, water and immodium Bachelor Sam has recovered from that rose ceremony and is back on form. How do we know?

He's on a boat. Again.


Sam may be fully recovered, but it's a different story back at the Shag Mansion where the bachelorettes are still discussing the fallout from the gassiest rose ceremony ever.

"I used a whole bottle of Febreze on my dress and it still whiffs."
"I burnt mine. Didn't even need any accelerant."

Suddenly in rocks Heather looking like Michelle from Full House 2020, in which she is an aspiring DJ who works part time at American Apparel, and presents them all with a manila envelope because clearly Osher couldn't be arsed turning up today.

"'Let's draw a little closer together'," Heather reads from the card.

"Are we going to draw a picture of Sam and he's going to draw us?" asks Sarah, and everyone falls about laughing even though this is the first time anyone has made an intelligent guess as to the theme of a date in the entire history of this show.

As it turns out that's exactly what they're going to do, so they all get into some four wheeled advertisements and spend a few minutes demonstrating how the sunroof and radio works (OMG A CAR WITH A RADIO SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY) before zooming off to "an arty district" to meet Sam.

ART.

Not everyone is happy about the group date situation, though.

"I don't want to stand around with five other females and compete for a male's attention," whines Rachel.

"It's just against every bone in my body."

In other news:

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, RACHEL.

"Oy larv garn on dates where oym swept up by art and kultcha," says Sam, in exactly the way someone who loves art and culture wouldn't.

Just as he's about to go on and explain the role of art in defining the human condition, Sam is interrupted by a discarded polystyrene coffee cup which rolls into the room and announces everyone has to make artworks for an exhibition to be held that night.

"OMG ART IS SO FUNNY!"

Everyone immediately launches into breathless descriptions of how crap they are at art.

"My mum doesn't even hang my art on the fridge!" gasps Nina.

"The last time I drew I was 14 and I did a huge mural on my bedroom wall of Aphrodite!" says Banana, attempting to join in.

"Pardon?"

"I actually majored in studio art," says Sarah.

Remember that.

The polystyrene cup tells the bachelorettes to get into pairs, and to save confusion everyone chooses the person that looks most like them.

Check.

Check.

Wait, I thought they said pairs? There's only one person here...?

In a surprise akin to dipping your toe in a swimming pool and finding it a bit wet, the prize for the best artwork today is some extra time with Sam.

Banana is determined to get it.

"If someone's going to get an extension, I want it," she says.

 
Fairly sure she's already gotten Sam's extension, tbh...

They all head upstairs where it appears they are all going to hand wash and disinfect Osher Gunsberg's sofa.

"Sorry ladies, last night's orgy was particularly rowdy so you've got a real job on your hands."

No, actually they all have to make clay sculptures of Sam for this dumb exhibition no one's going to come to or care about.

So they start with some light sexual assault...

"FEMINISM!"

...before Sam kicks back in a totally natural pose on the couch:

Lucky he's got pants on, they haven't even sprayed it with Glen 20 yet.

Nina immediately gets to work on the most important part of the sculpture...

His head! 
(Why what were you thinking?)

It's fair to say all the bachelorettes are completely crap at this challenge, particularly Sarah and Rachel who somehow manage to turn "Sam on sofa" into a sculpture of an insect inside a busted sandshoe:

Poignant.

Still they do better than Heather who, even with the mathematical precision of the Heatherbot 3000 on her side, comes up with this utter monstrosity:

This piece is called "Clive Palmer undergoing open heart surgery".

The Heathers are so proud of their artwork they do a chestbump, which unfortunately generates enough nuclear fission to blow up the entire warehouse and several surrounding suburbs.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO CROSS THE STREAMS.

Moving on to the next part of the challenge: doing a charcoal drawing of Sam.

"I can draw a superhero costume but I'm not sure if I can actually draw a man," says Heather.

Just a reminder:

Are you sure about the first part of that sentence, Heather?

Nina immediately gets to work on the most important part of the drawing:

That'll win the Archibald.

While Banana puts some real fine detail into hers:

It looks just like him!

With the aid of her laser vision and mathematically precise hand movements, the Heatherbot 3000 has a real advantage, drawing the most uncannily accurate portrait of Sam the world has ever seen:

It's almost photo real.

Stuck on the end of the row, Rachel is forced to make do with a side view:

But still turns out an impressive piece.

Hey, what about Sarah, who majored in studio art?

Which studio, Sarah? Studio for the blind?

Just then the producers realise that it's been at least 10 minutes since anyone consumed any champagne and/or cheese so they shepherd everyone into the middle of the room and start pelting brie at them while Sam tries to make up his mind about which drawing is the least crap.

In the end it seems Banana's attention to detail has paid off, as Sam chooses her piece as his favourite. Spying an opportunity Rachel pounces, demanding Sam name his second favourite drawing of the day.

"Oh look, they're all great for different reasons," he says diplomatically, studiously avoiding the one on which Rachel has very obviously written "FROM THE SIDE NOT FAIR" in block letters.

"NO, I WANT A SECOND BEST," she spits.

"Heather's then," he says.

That feeling when you practically write your name on your anonymous portrait and he still doesn't pick you.

Sensing she might be losing Sam's interest, Rachel pulls out her pocket copy of "Goering's Guide to Flirting", flips to chapter 11 - "Nazi Interviewing Techniques for Social Situations" - and tries another tack.

"LIFE STORY IN ONE MINUTE OR LESS," she barks.

"You'll have to excuse me, there's a prostate examination I'd rather be at right now."

"OK... so... I was born in Tassie, lived in Tassie for the first 20 years of my life..." he begins.

"THAT'S 10 SECONDS."

"What about you, what's your life story in under a minute?" Sam asks.

"I FEEL LIKE I'VE TOLD YOU," she barks.

She can totally smash this wine in under a minute too, just watch.

Their conversation reaches Oscar winning screenplay levels when Rachel announces she has something in her teeth, and follows up with "so... um... you've just hit me with something I was interested in... no, I lost it.".

"I'm sure there was something about you I found interesting... Nup, can't remember. Sorry."

And thus ends the most boring conversation ever seen on The Bachelor.

Finally it's time for Sam and Banana to enjoy each other's extensions, so they steal away upstairs where a "Renaissance themed" picnic has been set up for them by the Society for Blind Interior Designers:

Apparently they didn't have tables in the Renaissance.

Just a reminder:

Does someone on set have a table phobia, or what the fuck is going on?

As they try not to accidentally kick over the champagne and apples, Sam decides to broach a serious topic: would Banana ever leave Perth to live with him in Melbourne? Because HA HA HA AS IF HE'D MOVE TO PERTH.

"I love Perth but I've always felt in a weird way that I don't belong there," Banana says.

Translation: "PLEASE GOD DON'T DUMP ME SERIOUSLY I'LL DO ANYTHING."

"Obviously my family's there but I'm not attached in the sense that I would never leave," she continues.

Meanwhile:

Banana's family and friends watching at home.

Once it's been established that Banana will desert her family and drag her daughter to anywhere in the country in order to snag a man she's known for about six hours, collectively, she moves on to a surefire winner of a conversation topic: complaining about the Heatherbot getting a rose.

"I was really angry when the Heatherbot walked in with a rose, because it's almost like us girls getting a rose at this point means that you really think there might be something there and you want to spend time with us..."

"Did I leave the iron on?"

"And you're really thinking about meeting our families and the people we care about and the fact that somebody came so late in the piece and you gave her a rose..."

"I totally did leave the iron on. Fuck."

"And it's almost like how can somebody so quickly turn your head?" she finishes.

"Huh?" says Sam.

Concerned she may have lost him, Banana begins an aggressive campaign of gurning and head tilting in an effort to get Sam to kiss her.

Kiss me.


Kiiisssss meee!


God dammit kiss meeeee!


Fuck.

She is not successful. There will be no extensions tonight.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day at the Shag Mansion, where everyone is sitting around staring at each other in silence wondering how much longer this living hell could possibly last.

Just as Heather reaches for the knife block to quiet the voices in her head and finally end the madness, Osher strolls past the door yelling "SINGLE DATE!", chucking a manila envelope with one hand and picking up his paycheck with the other.

"'Let's indulge our senses'," reads the Heatherbot 3000 from the card inside, before adding "What, all 267 of them?"

Don't forget her three million taste receptors.

Everyone agrees the date absolutely has to go to Nina, because as we all know she hasn't spent any time with Sam since the episode in which she sexually assaulted him on the Sydney Harbour Bridge for four minutes.

But sadly Sam continues to be as obvious as possible in his total lack of interest for Nina by ignoring her once again in favour of a third date with Sarah.

"Fuck my face hurts."

And so Sarah rushes off to meet Sam in the middle of a downpour, where he gives her a quick lesson in how not to use an umbrella.

"So the trick is to hold just a tiny bit over your partner's head, so half of them gets wet while you and your invisible friend on the left stay nice and dry."


"Notice how I'm holding even less of the umbrella over you now? That's very important, that's so your whole head gets wet."


"So you should almost be at maximum saturation now."


"And for the final step, I make sure the car door stays dry while you shiver in the rain. And that's how you do it!"

Inside the limo Sam tells Sarah he has a present for her.

"Is it a dry towel?"

BUT WAIT!

OMG!

IT'S A PAIR OF DIAMOND EARRINGS!

From Zamels.

Sarah's disappointment grows when Sam then takes her to the single worst place to be in the middle of a rainstorm, the Botanic Gardens, and moves on to stage two of umbrella training: advanced brolly technique.

"So here I've made sure that I'm covered by two umbrellas, whereas you're still not even under one. Don't try this at home."

Next minute they're inside the home decor department at the Reject Shop:

At least there's a table this time.

"It was all loungey with candles and there was a cheese platter there," Sarah gushes, AS IF THAT ISN'T THE EXACT SET UP EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.

While they're both admiring the charming votive candle holders (six for $2) and Moroccan print tablecloth ($6.99, not available Rooty Hill), Sam asks Sarah if the nine years age difference between them bothers her.

"Nooooo not at all," says Sarah.

Translation: "I'm 25, I don't even think about age! Der!"

What about living together?" he asks her.

"Yeah, I'd love to live with a boyfriend!" says Sarah.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS CONVERSATION?

Sarah then goes on to explain that she's lived out of home for a whole three years already, and the only reason she's currently living with her mum (pardon?) is because she was poised to go to London (oh OK) until she had a dream about The Bachelor and so stayed home to audition instead (OK, pardon again?).

I am beginning to think that Sarah perhaps isn't as level headed and smart as I first thought. In fact, I am beginning to think that she is a bit mental.

Suddenly out comes an opera singer and announces she's going to sing the theme from the Pizza Hut commercial, and Sarah readies herself for her Pretty Woman moment.

"I'd never been to the opera so I had no idea what to expect," says Sarah, who not only has never been to the opera but has never heard it played on the radio, or seen it portrayed in the movies, or anything.

Seriously, this could be opera for all Sarah knows.

The lady sings, Sarah sheds a tear, Sam wells with pride at having introduced her to "kultcha", and then they kiss in the most revolting way.

Like, this photo is HORRIFIC and it barely conveys half the horror of their kiss.

It goes on and on and on and on and I literally have to cover my eyes so I'm not scarred for life.

LIST OF KISSES THAT ARE LESS REVOLTING THAN SARAH AND SAM'S KISS:

This.


And this.


And those virgins who kissed for the first time at their wedding.

Meanwhile, finally I get to do this:

Haven't updated this in weeks. Get a move on, Sam.

Then he gives her a bunch of flowers and she practically screams "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS!" (here's a tip, Sezz: you're on a TV show, and he didn't) and then he gives her a rose. Obviously.

And so we move onto the cocktail party where everyone is celebrating being in the final five by coming in fancy dress. How fun!

Heather has come as a decorative lamp:

Just pull her tassle and she lights right up!

Rachel has come as Janet from the Real Housewives of Melbourne:

Nailed it.

Then Sarah comes home and everyone squeals with delight at her new Zamels earrings, which their shared boyfriend gave her!

OMG THAT'S SO.... wait. That's weird.

But enough chit chat, it's time for part two of everybody's favourite segment: "Throwing Shade with Rachel!"

"Has Sam mentioned any qualities he's looking for in a partner?" she asks.

"I think a strong, independent woman," replies Nina.

"What about someone who's interested in health and fitness?" says Rachel.

Did you guess what Brisbane's pre-eminent food blogger really meant? That's right!

Translation.

"Let's put it this way, if there were a catalogue of friends, Rachel would probably be the last person I would choose out of the catalogue," says Nina, which could have been such a good burn if she hadn't said catalogue twice but oh well, we can't all be wordsmiths.

While the bachelorettes try to murder each other with their eyes Sam wheels in and out of the room to pick up different girls for "chats" outside.

"I will wait for him to approach me, as he should, because he's a man," says Rachel.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Yeah, good luck with that."

But as there's only five women left Sam can only avoid her for so long, so eventually he takes her outside for what will no doubt be another scintillating conversation about her dead cat, or summarising his life in 60 seconds or something.

"WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN?" she barks.

"I'm looking for someone who is smart, who is creative, who is beautiful," he says.

At this point he is even boring himself.

Sadly Rachel is too busy waiting for her next opportunity to speak again and so completely misses his brilliant and unique speech about wanting a woman who is caring and beautiful.

"Any other questions for me?" he asks her.

"That's all," she says.

Look buddy, she knows you were born in Tasmania and you want a beautiful woman, what the hell else is there to know?

And thus ends the second most boring conversation ever seen on The Bachelor.

Rachel heads back to the bachelorettes and who immediately grill her about what Sam told her.

"Um... what did he say? Oh my gosh, you've put me on the spot," says Rachel, who apparently can't remember conversations she had literally two minutes ago.

"He said..... um..." Rachel continues.

This is the Bachelor version of that meme of Kermit sipping tea.

"Oh my god you guys, I can't even remember what he said," Rachel says.

Meanwhile:

Meet AA's new spokesperson.

Anyway enough of all of this, because...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* Tonight's rose ceremony is brought to you by the Sombre Girl's Choir of Western Sydney:

They do funerals, mostly.

* Meanwhile Osher has showed up again (they really ought to stop leaving the back door open) but without access to the official wardrobe, has had to improvise a shirt:

Out of a tablecloth.

* "I feel like every time Sam and I hang out he kinda understands me a little bit more," says Rachel, blithely unaware that that is the entire problem.

* "For the five of you without a rose Sam has just four roses to give out," says Osher.

Nina tries to imagine how many Chiko rolls that would be, while Snezana counts off how many members of her extended family she'd piss off if she moved to Melbourne, and Rachel just shouts "I DON'T DO MATHS I WAIT FOR MATHS TO COME TO ME!"

"It means one of you is going home tonight," yells Sam from off screen.

"And we all know who it's going to bloody be so can we hurry this shit along?"

* Hey, shall we play another round of "Throwing Shade with Rachel"?

"I'm so unclear on why Nina is so confident with her position in this house, has she not seen the calibre of women that she's up against?" says Rachel.

Translation.

* Heather gets a rose. Nina gets a rose. Banana gets a rose.

Suddenly it's down to two: Rachel the food blogger, and the Heatherbot 3000, a possible terminator made by Skynet.

"Sam would basically have to have a lobotomy to keep Rachel around," says Heather.

Well, let's not speak too soon...

But Sam's grey matter appears to be intact, as he decides he'd rather spend time getting to know a cyborg on a possible death mission than spend a single minute more with Rachel.

And so the Heatherbot 3000 wheels forward to get her rose, her console lights blinking with happiness, as Rachel stumbles out the door in search for some canapes to Instagram.

"I think Sam could have made a little more effort," she says in the limo.

"I've never made an effort in my life!"

"Wait - an 'effort' is one of those fluffy things you put maple syrup on, right?"

Well that's it for now - best go on and READ EPISODE 13! Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE 11 again.



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