Monday, September 21, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 16 FINALE

It's finally arrived, the grand conclusion to this nationally televised eight week desperation festival SO WE CAN FINALLY FORGET IT AND GET ON WITH OUR LIVES.

Over the last 15 episodes we've seen more more saliva spread around than at a stutterers' public speaking convention, more cheese cut than at a Mexican food festival, and more roses flung about than that time that florist was attacked by wasps in her delivery truck.


Yes, it's The Bachelor Australia Grand Finale, aka The Bachelor Thunderdome: two women enter, one woman leaves.

And if one of those women is Tina Turner, you're out of luck.

Sadly we won't get to see Banana and The Heatherbot 3000 chase each other around with axes on burning motorbikes (which is a real pity because the Heatherbot has a heatproof coating and can withstand blows up to 150km/h so it'd really be something to watch).

What we will see is (probably) enough bottles of champagne to fossilise even Keith Richards' liver, shitloads more cheese, more trips on boats and probably someone crying at some point.

It's going to be a long 60 minutes, people - but don't fret! As always the Bland Canyon Bachelor Finale Drinking Game TM is here to make the experience a lot more fun.

At the very least, you'll probably pass out and forget any of this ever happened, which is also a plus.

THE BACHELOR AUSTRALIA FINALE DRINKING GAME.

Drink if...

* Someone is on a boat.

* Someone is in a helicopter.

* Someone describes something as "incredible". Drink a double if that something is totally mundane.

* Sam reminds us how big his decision is.

* Sam reminds us how different the women are.

* Sam talks about following his heart.

Sam describes the Heatherbot as being "a surprise".

* Sam takes his shirt off for no discernible reason.

* Osher actually shows up for once.

* The Heatherbot makes an innocent remark that in hindsight will seem horribly ironic.

* The entire production crew dies a horrible death in a barn fire.

Gee, that last one seems unlikely. Oh well.

"Hold on for what is sure to be an enthralling conclusion to our bachelor Sam's incredible (drink) search for love," says Osher (drink), wandering out from behind the bush he's possibly been living in for the last three episodes.

"Does anyone have any toilet paper? I ran out and it's a mess back there."

"Oy have one foynal opportunity to spend toyme with these two incredible women before I make what could be the biggest decision of my loyf," says Sam as we all down a double and start on the long, shaky path to alcoholism.

Sam's left the city Shag Mansion and headed for the country Shag Homestead, where he's flown his family to meet the two "incredible" women he has to make a "big decision" between.

Yes, you do have to.

And so we meet Sam's sister and brother and dad, who are all very nice.

And possibly excellent at cooking fried chicken.

Meanwhile Banana waits nervously in the garden for Sam to come and get her, while Osher tries to give her a tour of his campsite

"So over here is my billy and... seriously, you don't have any toilet paper do you?"

"Meeting Sam's family is a huge deal for me, I want to fit right in like he did with my family," she says, as if that's going to be difficult. I mean, all she has to do is act like she's in the mafia and wants to murder his sister and it should all go just as swimmingly as it did in Perth.

But she needn't worry, as Sam's family is won over by her beauty and dazzling smile and all goes brilliantly... until Sam mentions "the other member of your family you haven't talked about yet" and everyone immediately looks like he's just announced she's a member of ISIS.

"Um yes, I have a daughter," says Banana as the music swells with portentous drums, because as we all know A 34-YEAR-OLD WOMAN HAVING A CHILD IS AN INCREDIBLY SHOCKING PIECE OF NEWS TO ABSORB.

"I'M SO SORRY! I REPENT! PLEASE DON'T CAST ME OUT FOR NOT BEING A VIRGIN!"

Everyone pretends to be OK with this and Banana heads off for a private chat with Sam's dad, where the Bachelor set dressers have proven once again why they're the best in the business:

Matching your flowers to your tablecloth - masterstroke.

Remembering the conversational techniques she learned from her younger brother back in episode 14, Banana starts barking questions like "YOU THINK YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE GRAND DAD TO AN EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRL AND, GOD WILLING, FURTHER KIDS DOWN THE TRACK?" until he bursts into tears.

"P-p-please... stop... I'll do whatever you say!"

The interrogation over, Banana bids farewell to Sam's family and traipses back into the bushes where Osher is busy trying to make damper in an old hubcap.

"Wow, she was lovely," says Sam's sister after she's gone.

"She was over and above that," says Sam's dad, shaking, deathly afraid Banana might be able to hear him and come back to menace him with a horse's head.

But forget her because it's time for everyone to meet the Heatherbot 3000, who has just come straight from a fresh wax and polish at the shop, where she's also had a brand new death laser installed.

If Sam's dad thought Banana was scary, wait until he sees this.

Meanwhile, in the bushes, Banana is like:

"Yeah but can you make him cry?"

After impressing everyone with a non-lethal laser light show from her eyeballs set to Pitbull's "Calle Ocho", the Heatherbot sits down and explains why she and Sam are a good match.

"I'm having so much fun and everything is so fun and Sam and I know really how to have fun!" she says.

"It really has been so much fun!" says Sam.

"If I stabbed myself in the eye right now, would they shut up?"

"She's surprised me no end," gushes Sam.

"We like surprises!" gushes the Heatherbot.

It has just occurred to Sam's dad that every Christmas lunch for the rest of his life could be just like this.
PS: Drink.

Together, Sam and the Heatherbot do a perfect impression of "annoying new couple you want to punch", saying absolutely nothing of substance except that they like "fun".

So I think we can all agree that they have a super strong foundation on which to build a long term relationship.

Keen to impress, they follow up this impression with their "ventriloquist's dummy" act, which they've been working on over the past few weeks.

Wait until he takes a drink - she'll keep talking and you won't even see his lips move, it's amazing!

"I'm really keen to become a grandfather," Sam's dad tells the Heatherbot, adding "No pressure."

"Oh it's OK, I can withstand up to 3500 psi," she says.

Sadly the rest of their conversation has to be cut short when the heat causes the Heatherbot's brain to overload, and she starts trying to pull out her own hair.

Ctrl + alt + del should sort that out.

After a quick reboot she wheels herself off to talk to Sam's sister, who immediately bursts into tears. Take that, Banana.

"For me Sam is amazing, I admire him more than anything and he's very special to all of us and I wanna make sure he's with someone who loves him unconditionally," she says.

"Why can't he just give ME the final rose?"

Unfortunately the Heatherbot's sympathy modules haven't yet been installed, so as Sam's sister breaks down she responds in the best way she knows how - by staring at her.

In the next scene, the Heatherbot offers her some replacement washers and sealant.

Finally it's all over, and it's time for the Heatherbot to go back to her charging dock.

"Oh I hate goodbyes!" she says.

I wonder if that remark will feel bittersweet at the end of all this... Better drink, just in case.

Sam asks his family what they think of the two very different (drink) incredible (drink) women he's been pashing for the last eight weeks and reiterates how difficult a decision he has to make (drink) and how he has to follow his heart (drink).

This is you right now.

But who cares what they think because it's time for THE FINAL DATES.

First up is the Heatherbot who, having being forced to spend the night shivering in Osher Gunsberg's bush campsite after a mix up with accommodation bookings, has shown up with a dead possum around her neck.

"Osher made a bush tucker stew out of the rest!"

Fortunately animal lover Sam doesn't realise what she's done, assuming it's a hormonal issue, and shoves her into a helicopter (drink) in which they zoom over an advertisement for NSW Tourism.

"That was incredible, incredible!" gushes the Heatherbot.

"Are you free later on?" she asks the chopper, lovingly stroking its console.

How you doing, by the way?

Sensing a chopper is cutting his lunch, Sam leads the Heatherbot away to the edge of a lake, but sadly any suggestion that he's come to his senses and is about to push her in is dashed when he announces they're going to re enact the lamest film in the world, "The Notebook".

"I don't know if I can pull off Ryan Gosling though," he says.

"What about me? Can I pull off Ryan Gosling? Please?"

After they decide exactly who is going to pull off Ryan Gosling, they clamber into a hipster wedding prop to go float on a lake while staring at each other two meters apart.

"So... this is... fun."
PS: Drink.

Despite this being the most awkward set up for enjoying either a) a normal conversation, b) a boat trip and c) a romantic date, the Heatherbot is too bowled over by Sam to care.

"I don't want to let go of him because I'm afraid I'm not going to find that again," she gushes, as everyone at home thinks "YEP THIS IS DEFINITELY ALL GOING TO WORK OUT IN THE END."

"Surprise incredible blah blah incredible surprise blah blah," says Sam.

Hang in there.

"I'm looking for an incredible to incredible the rest of my incredible with," says Sam.

You can do this!

Then they pash and we get to see it from five different angles because, I dunno, "The Notebook"?

Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for someone to pull off Ryan Gosling.

Having exhausted the many romantic possibilities of the lake (ie: staring at each other in a boat, talking about masturbating Hollywood movie stars) the two wander off down the hill where Sam once again tries to stop the Heatherbot from talking by shoving food in her face.

"Hey that really is a great story but just try this..."

Despite constantly scheduling activities that prevent her from talking, it seems Sam is still enthralled by the Heatherbot.

"It roolly is uncanny how amazingly well we click and connect," he says.

Meanwhile, back at the Berowra Centre for Robotics:

"Good job on that click and connect mechanism, Sue, it's working a treat."

Knowing the end of the night is near (because her internal clock beeps every hour on the hour) the Heatherbot decides to make one last ditch bid for Sam's heart.

"I don't know how to say this exactly, but..." she begins.

"Oh sorry, were you trying to say something? Never mind."

Which means this:

Come on Sam, two more and you get a free one!

Sensing she is just hours away from winning the cubic zirconia Zamel's ring that will finally close the circuit on her ultimate death machine, the Heatherbot begins preparations for her final mission: waging war on the Earth.

"You reckon this ammo is impressive, you should see where I'm storing my rocket launcher."

And with that we move on to Sam's date with Banana which, as the final date of the entire season, will no doubt be a truly unique experience filled with lots of different and unusual things...

...like a ride in sports car...


...to a lake....


...where they'll have a picnic of wine and cheese...


...and he'll shove food in her gob.

The bushland setting is certainly beautiful, but there's a bit of an uneasy "Aussie crime scene" vibe about it. I keep expecting Steve Liebmann to jump out from behind a bush and start saying "It was here, in this secluded lakeside setting that detectives found the body..."

"Incredible blah blah blah incredible incredible," Sam says.

I know, I know, it'll all be over soon...

The next 10 minutes features Sam and Banana staring at each other saying various vapid things, which is about as exciting as watching Sam stare at an actual banana, so it's a relief when they finally snog and we can all move on.

When he gets to 20 he gets a special badge.

Realising that a possible murder scene isn't the best place to be after dark, Sam takes Banana to another potentially fatal location - a barn filled with hay bales and lit candles.

This shot will later be used as evidence in court action against Channel 10.

Nek minit:

So they really DID get on like a house on fire.

As the fireballs rain down, turning the very earth to ash around them, the screams of the production crew ringing in their ears as they slowly burn to death, Sam and Banana turn to each other and...

Of course.
Also: Drink.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day at the Shag Homestead, where Sam is wrestling with his very big decision (drink) about the incredible women (drink) by taking off his shirt (drink).

"I just can't think with all this FABRIC on!"

"Banana and the Heatherbot are just SO DIFFERENT," he muses, as I smash a bottle of pinot grigio over my head and call triple zero.

"I just have to follow my heart," he says.

Fairly accurate depiction of me right now.

Meanwhile, inside the Shag Homestead, the Heatherbot is preparing for the start of World War III by setting her rocket launcher's activation timer using the buttons on her forehead:

*Bleep bloop bloop*

"I really feel like there's so much potential there, it would be heartbreaking for it all to be over now before it's really begun," she says, as the few crew members who survived the barn fire start whistling and looking around the room.

"Yep, I sure do feel like Sam's gonna propose to me today!"

Better grab a few for later on, just in case.

Over on the other side of the house, Banana is also getting ready by putting on the weirdest bracelet you've ever seen.

Sexuality test: If you can see a bracelet in this picture, you are attracted to men.

Meanwhile, Sam is doing some soul searching in the bathroom (not the special kind he does with his iPhone and the door locked, I mean REAL soul searching), trying to decide between his two final women.

"Jeez I'm handsome. Can I pick me?"
PS: No shirt. Drink.

"Incredible big decision follow my heart two very different women," he says.

You know what to do.

He suits up, sits down and whips out his ring...

And is disappointed to discover it's still from Zamel's.

"True to myself two different women follow my heart incredible big decision," he says.

Dude I just... I don't think I can...

But finally the moment has arrived, the moment we've all been waiting eight weeks for. 

It's finally time for Sam to announce who he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

He takes a deep breath, steps outside to the swimming pool and...

"Osher, it's you! It's always been you!"

Sadly due to the unfair restrictions of Australian federal legislation the two are not able to officiate their love, so Sam decides to ditch him for one of the chicks instead so at least he'll get some wedding presents.

Osher runs off crying back to his campsite as the Heatherbot rolls up poolside and Sam welcomes her with a giant smile:

"OMG HIIII!"

Until he realises he's actually just about to dump her and tries to backtrack with a more appropriate facial expression:

"Oh wait. Shit, sorry."

"You're amazing, you're vivacious, you're beautiful, and I've never had a bad conversation with you, I really haven't," says Sam.

That's mostly because her mouth has always been stuffed full of his fingers.

"I really do feel like you're the perfect girl," he says.

Countdown to ring in 10... 9... 8...

"I just don't know..."

7... 6... 5...

"...if you're the perfect girl for me."

Fuck.

"Well, you did say you liked surprises," Sam says as the Heatherbot slowly wheels herself to the edge of the swimming pool.

"Follow my heart incredible hard decision," Sam says as she stares into the depths, beeping softly.

"Incredible follow my heart two very different women," Sam babbles as the Heatherbot turns her face to the sky and shouts "FORGIVE ME, ZARDOS! I HAVE FAILED YOU!", carefully removing her waterproof outer shell and rolling forward into the pool, her circuits sparking as she succumbs to her watery demise.

"Shit, I hope they've got a Kreepy Krawly or that's going to take forever to clean up."

But who cares about that heap of rusting metal because here comes Banana, totally unaware that she has won herself a brand new Zamel's ring!

Oh, and a boyfriend, or whatever.

"Last chance for a quickie before you go up there - whaddya say?"

Banana strides elegantly over to where Sam is waiting, the sounds of the Heatherbot slowly sinking into the pool acting like a calming water feature as they stare lovingly into each other's eyes.

Although you'd think someone could have swept up.

"You have the most incredible heart I've ever come across," says Sam, which not only earns us all one more drink, but suggests there may be some X rated footage of the two of them that never made it to air.

"You were the first girl that I met, and you are the last girl because... I've fallen madly in love with you," Sam says.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you Banana, I really do," he says, and they kiss passionately.

"I love you so much," he whispers.

"I love you too," she whispers back.

I'M NOT CRYING IT'S JUST THE ALCOHOL.

Sam whips out his Zamel's and shoves it on her finger.

It is truly the ugliest ring anyone has ever seen.

Fortunately for Banana it doesn't fit, so she can pretend it accidentally fell off and go pawn it at Cashies.

"I've never felt like this about anyone," Sam says.

"You are everything that I've ever dreamed of," Banana says.

"Burble burble burble" says the Heatherbot.



Want to go back to a time when the Heatherbot still had a crack at world domination? Go back and READ EPISODE 15 again.



2 comments :

  1. ohhh please do the bachelorette!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are the best! Thank you for making me laugh so hard. I didn't even have to watch the show.

    ReplyDelete