Sunday, September 27, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, Episode 2

We begin episode two at the end of a jetty, where bachelorette Sam is going over the men she met at last night's cocktail party and is considering jumping off.


"I mean seriously, an owl? What's the point."

Fortunately for Channel 10's insurance she decides against suicide because she doesn't want to give up on her search for "an incredible man" - as if she didn't already find Australia's least credible man on The Bachelor last year.

"I need to put myself out there again, or I might never fall in love again," she says.

Just a reminder: Sam is 26, charming, smart, and beautiful. But sure, let's all pretend the only way she could possibly meet someone is through a nationally televised dating show.

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion (which, by the way, do I need to rename? The Dude Ranch? Bro Bungalow? Palais de Penis?) Alex the British financial consultant is wandering around in a knitted cardigan looking like he just stepped out of my fuzzy early morning dreams:

If he starts cooking pancakes I think I might need a cold shower.

Not everyone's look is so successful, however.

"Oh so it's cool when PHARRELL does it but not me?"


"What? My neck is cold."

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"I told you the breakfast scarf was a thing."

While everyone is trying to work out how many calves Davey is going to rope before breakfast, in strolls a hairpiece with Osher Gunsberg attached to remind them all why they're here.

Oh that's right - Sam.

He pulls out a blue envelope (well they can't use gold ones anymore - what is this, a Liberace concert?) and chucks it on the floor shouting "STACKS ON!". No one joins in. Eventually he gets up, brushes himself off and quietly lets himself out.

Unlike on The Bachelor the blokes don't stand around for 20 minutes wondering out loud whose name will be on the date card and what they'll be doing - possibly because they understand that they can just open the envelope and find out.

"The winner is... Dave," announces Richie, as Dave, David and Davey all shout "YES!"

Sadly it's only for Dave the plumber, with the clue "it's time to stand your ground".

"I reckon you'll be paddleboarding," declares Richie, apparently oblivious to the fact that paddleboarding usually happens on water.

"WOOOOOYYYYYYY!" yell the blokes as Dave walks out the door, because that's apparently the Aussie male way of saying "Good luck, hope you have a good time!"

Oh and also, bum grabbing. 

Dave might be a plumber but don't let that fool you - he's a deep thinker too.

"How would I describe falling in love?" he says.

"It's like losing your car keys."

"You look all over for the bloody things and then you just give up and catch the bus instead."

"I've got great friends, great family but there is that one piece of the puzzle missing and that's the bird in my life," he says.

"Oh I can help with that!"

Dave drives out to a hangar meet Sam (well he can't be picked up in a limo - what is this, the Gay Games?) and because at least three different forms of transportation are mandatory in every episode, they both get in a helicopter and fly to the SCG.

Why the SCG? Because, as Sam explains, "Dave is a big fan of sports". You know sports. That thing that people do with balls and whatever. They happen at the SCG, don't they?

"SPORTS TIME!" Sam says, shrugging, as some bloke in a sports uniform walks onto the pitch to do some sports.

As it turns out it's a fast bowler from some cricket team who's going to pitch balls at Dave's head at high speed.

This is the face of a man who has just realised his "fun date" is actually going to be a nationally televised test of his manhood.

Back at the Bro Bungalow, the blokes are all sitting around recreating an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial...

Meanwhile David's all like "Guys, that's not how you model."

...when Macklemore bursts in with the first group date card.

"'Are you ready to take the leap of faith'," he reads, prompting everyone to chime in with exactly what they're comfortable leaping into and off of.

"I don't have a fear of heights, but for some reason I cannot jump into water," says Drew the owl fancier.

Nek minit:

What a surprise.

But more on that later. First we have to see whether Dave the plumber can survive hard balls being ditched at his head by a professional sports baller at the sports ground.

Spoiler alert: He does. But not necessarily with his dignity intact.

After a thrilling five minutes of watching people in helmets hit balls at each other, we move on to the next exciting part of Dave's date which, naturally, takes place in a faux lounge room in the centre of the SCG.

There better be some wine and cheese on that table or I'm going to complain to Channel Ten.

And so Sam and Dave sit, side by side, on a two seater couch in the middle of a giant sporting stadium, staring at a row of Ikea lanterns. It is as romantic as it sounds.

"I actually thought you might have had the giant screen going," Dave says, sounding slightly disappointed.

"It's just, I think Blokesworld is on..."

"He was stroking my back, which I thought was VERY romantic," gushes Sam, who is clearly very cheaply entertained on Valentine's day.

Meanwhile, not content to rest on his "car keys" analogy to prove his profundity, Dave launches into an explanation of the "eleventh box", which isn't a lesbian bar but rather a mathematical theory to explain the laws of attraction.

"Everyone's got 10 boxes that they want of someone," he says.

"But then there's the 11th box. And you can't explain the 11th box, you just know it's there. And you're starting to tick that box."

"Basically what I'm saying is, can I see your vagina?"

To be quite honest spouting bullshit like this it's amazing Dave has seen any boxes at all, let alone 11, but Sam seems impressed because she gives him a rose.

Still, she thinks lightly stroking someone's back is "very romantic" so we can't be certain she's the best judge of things.

Back at the Palais de Penis, the lads are amusing themselves by holding a silly hat party.

"Twinsies!"


"Cuz uptown funk's gon give it to ya!"


Not technically a hat but solid effort.


"Where's yours?"
"Dude, I don't need a silly hat with hair like this."

"WOOOOOYYYYYYY!" yell the blokes as Dave walks in the door, because that's apparently the Aussie male way of saying "Good to see you again my friend!"

Oh, and also: bum grabbing by Richie. Again.

BREAKING: Alex is still hot.

Yep.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's group date time, so all the blokes gather on the edge of a cliff which they're pretty sure they're not going to have to jump off at any point.

I mean, that just seems unlikely, right?

Still desperate to be accepted as one of the lads, Osher Gunsberg has turned up to impress them the best way he knows how: with some Freddy Krueger cosplay:

"Hey, dating can be a real NIGHTMARE, hey guys? Ha ha! Guys? Get it?"

Suddenly Sam whizzes past in a boat, completing the transport hat trick for this episode.

"It's hard to beat a hot girl on a speedboat," says Michael the Not-eroo.

"Especially if you're like, swimming. Then it's almost impossible to beat her."

Finally Sam reaches the shore and gives a stirring speech about taking leaps of faith and taking the plunge and throwing themselves into adventure blah blah blah - everyone's going to have to jump off a cliff. Because love. Or something.

This is the face of a man who has just realised he shouldn't have written "jumping into water" under the "GREATEST FEARS" section on his application form.

But Drew the owl fancier isn't the only one feeling apprehensive about this cliff jump; David the international model is also really worried.

Mostly that his hair might get wet in a non stylish way, but he's still worried.

"This date isn't about the jump, it's about seeing if these guys are genuine," says Sam.

News flash, Sam: THIS ISN'T EVEN A DATE, IT'S A MILITARY EXERCISE. AND A SHIT ONE AT THAT.

"What I'm ultimately looking for is a guy who'll jump off a cliff if I tell him to."

First up is Sasha, who admits he has a fear of heights.

"You don't have to do it, honestly, don't worry about it, it's fine," says Sam almost immediately, her words almost drowned out by the sound of every producer simultaneously slapping their head.

But Sasha is determined: he wears a hard hat in his day job, dammit!

Hooray for gender stereotypes!

"YOU NEED TO NECK UP, YA PARROT, AND JUST JUMP OFF," says Sasha, hurling himself over the edge into the murky waters below.

Meanwhile, nearby:

"Did somebody say parrot?"

One by one all the blokes line up and jump, like a bunch of buff lemmings.

"No guy has ever done anything like this for me before, EVER," sighs Sam, as if throwing oneself off a cliff is a totally usual way of expressing affection for someone.

"I can't even describe how it makes me feel seeing all these men face their fears for me," she says.

I can describe it, Sam: BORED. It makes me feel bored.

But then comes David the international model to liven things up with some smooth romantic talk.

"I'm just going to imagine you're down there drowning," he says.

Dating conversation pro tip: Always start by telling your date you're imagining her grisly death.

"Both of my parents can't swim," he continues.

"You know, because they're Polish. And I'm Polish. And if you married me, you'd get an EU passport. And also I'm a model, did I forget to mention that earlier?"

"Hey look how much tighter my skin looks when I do this - I call this the David Facelift. I can show you how to do it, if you want."

Somehow David manages to get over the crippling disadvantage of being Polish to successfully jump into the water, but there's no such luck for Drew, who is so paralysed with fear he can't bring himself to do it.

Fortunately for him Sam is unfazed, and names him as the winner of the challenge, proving once and for all that this entire exercise was totally pointless.

"But... I'm Polish!"

And so Sam and Drew head off for a romantic picnic outside an abandoned meth house to compare shampoos and talk about responsible bird ownership.

"Maybe keep your shoes on around here, I reckon."

Drew starts off well, explaining the difference between Pantene and Tresemme and why Argan oil is important, but eventually Sam's beauty overwhelms him and all he can do is tell her how amazing and wonderful she is and how he's besotted, as she tries to hide the vague alarm in her eyes.

Meanwhile I wasn't sure that a long haired bloke with an owl fixation who's scared of jumping into water could become any less macho, but there you have it. This show is full of surprises.

And with that it's back to the Dude Ranch for the cocktail party.

UPDATE: Alex is still hot.

Yep.

Sam is wandering around, sharking like a boss, sinking pints and what not and chatting up Alex (because of course) when up comes Davey the annoying carpenter.

"Mind if I steal her away for a bit?" he asks Alex.

"I wouldn't mind at all, but why don't you ask her as well?" says Alex BECAUSE ALEX IS A BOSS ASS FEMINIST.

PS: Marry me Alex.

"WISH ME LUCK BOYS," yells Davey as he walks away with Sam, like he's taking some chick behind the bike sheds at the Year 9 social, before sitting her down to tell her what he really thinks.

"Seriously, up yours!"

"I'm not a ladies man, honestly, all I've ever wanted was to be a dad," he protests.

Sadly Davey is unaware that it's not the fact that Sam thinks he's a ladies man that has turned her against him, it's the fact that he's a dickhead.

Fortunately she's rescued by Michael the Almost-eroo, who whisks her away to explain his ultimate dream of meeting a woman who can help him create the perfect mini soccer team.

"I want my own little family, my own little team," he says.

"But aren't there 11 people on a soccer team...? Fuck no, mate."

Little does Michael know that just outside, David the international model is busy inciting others to... DUN DUN DUN!

BREAK THE BRO CODE.

"He's a footballer player with tattoos and he's rich and he's fucking successful mate don't worry, he doesn't need the fucking time with her, go in there and talk to her," David tells Richie.

"Go do it! Dude, do it!" David tells Kayne.

"SERIOUSLY, SOMEONE JUST GO IN THERE, THIS IS GETTING BORING," he yells.

Realising he's not going to get his bonus payment this week if he doesn't cause any broadcastable drama, David strides into the room where Michael and Sam are talking and attempts to interrupt them in the weirdest way possible: by asking if he can interrupt.

"Is there anything I can join in on the conversation at all?" he asks.

"Oh sure, see the thing is I was just saying to Sam that some of the guys here think I have this 'ice man' persona, and that's actually something I'm trying to break down," says Michael, actually attempting to catch David up on their private conversation that he has rudely interrupted.

"Actually Dave, did you want me to leave so you could have some time with her? Can I get you a drink as well, maybe?"

Continuing to prove himself as either the nicest guy ever or the thickest, Michael then offers to leave the room so David can have some private time with Sam.

"Dude, seriously? And I thought soccer was a non contact sport."

David then explains how, as Michael is a professional soccer player with tattoos and money and magical leg-opening abilities, all the other bachelors are feeling like they don't have a chance, so it might be best if they wound up their conversation so everyone else can have a go at getting Sam's pants off too.

"No worries, give me two minutes and I'll return her in perfect condition to you," says Michael.

"Great thanks," says David and then THEY ACTUALLY HIGH FIVE.

Meanwhile:

"What the fuck just happened?"

Except Sam doesn't say that, she actually just tells Michael what a wonderful person he is and how he's lovely and humble and more than just a soccer player and...

HELLO? IS NOBODY GOING TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT TWO BLOKES JUST NEGOTIATED SHARING SAM AROUND LIKE SHE WAS A FUCKING SAUCE BOTTLE AT A BARBECUE?

If Sam had any sense she would have reacted to this hideous situation by shouting "NO ONE IS GOING TO 'RETURN ME' TO ANYONE, YOU NEANDERTHAL DICKS, I'LL DECIDE WHO THE HELL I'M GOING TO TALK TO AND FOR HOW LONG AND BOTH OF YOU CAN FUCK THE FUCK OFF!" and then running away with Alex the feminist.

Who is still hot, by the way.

Meanwhile, all the other blokes are sitting around mourning the official death of the Bro Code at the perfectly manicured hands of David the international model, all of them completely blind to how revoltingly entitled and chauvinistic they're all being.

HEY GUYS, GUESS THE FUCK WHAT? A WOMAN ISN'T ACTUALLY YOUR PROPERTY. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING TO HER DOESN'T MEAN YOU OWN HER. SHE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS ABOUT WHO SHE WANTS TO TALK TO. YOU AND YOUR BRO CODE ARE FUCKING NONSENSE. GET IN THE SEA, THE LOT OF YOU.

Over in one of the 3000 gazebos dotted around the Bro Bungalow Sam is firing up and getting angry with David - finally!

Except it's not about how everyone is being a chauvinist dick and treating her like a prize to be won, it's about how she's not materialistic and she's not impressed by soccer players.

Sigh.

Well, at least the sentiment is there.

"I am the last person in the world to be impressed by money and status, and if that's the kind of person you think I am you can leave," she says.

"Dude, I really think you're getting angry about the wrong thing here..."

"What kind of person do you think I'm looking for?" she asks him.

"I know exactly the type of person you're looking for," he says, winking at one of the producers.

"You're looking for the type of person who could be a good babydaddy, and who dresses quite well."

A1 trolling skillz right there.

Sam spits some more venom at David about how she's not materialistic and how Michael is a really humble guy even though he's a soccer player and WHY IS SHE ANGRY ABOUT THE WRONG THING FUCK THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.

"Can I please pass you on to one of my colleagues?" David asks.

Me right now.

"Sigh," says Sam.

I think what she meant was: "HOW ABOUT I GO AND TALK TO WHOEVER THE HELL I WANT AND YOU FUCK OFF?"

Anyway enough of all this misogyny...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* And a good thing too, I was THIS close to punching my TV and I think that's probably never advisable.

* After spending all of this week's budget on hiring the SCG, even more cuts have been made to the show's milk crate stores:

Sorry little guys, maybe try wearing heels next time?

* Even host Osher Gunsberg is bearing the brunt of budget cuts:

Forced to squeeze into last year's suit, so sad.

* "Sam has just 10 roses for the 11 of you," announces Osher.

"BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ROSES!" shouts Davey.

"WE SHOULD ALL GET A ROSE, WHAT ABOUT ROSE CODE?" yells Dave.

* Michael gets a rose. Alex gets a rose (der). Macklemore gets a rose. Tony gets a rose. Everyone is too polite to ask who the fuck Tony is.

And finally it's down to two: David the international model who really pissed Sam off and actually made her angry, and Kayne, the only character note for whom is that he wears brightly coloured check shirts.

Gee, I wonder how this will go.

"Kayne," says Sam, and the lack of surprise is so overwhelming that all the air is momentarily sucked out of the room causing temporary light headedness.

"Wait, are you sure there's not someone else behind me who's going home instead...? I mean, I AM a model, you know that right?"

"David, you did not receive a rose," says Osher, just in case anyone was confused, before turning on his heel in the most spectacularly shady way.

"Sam if you need me later just text me, K? <3 U babes."

"I'm actually reasonably happy not to receive a rose tonight," David tells Sam, which is the adult way to say "Nyer nyer I never liked you anyway".

"I think you misinterpreted the whole situation and judged a bit too quickly, and I think you made a mountain out of a molehill.

"Also I think you may have forgotten that I'm a model."

OH I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE ACERBIC COMEBACK SAM'S GOING TO DISH OUT TO THIS DICKHEAD HERE IT COMES SHE'S GONNA LET FLY...

"Thank you so much it's been a pleasure," says Sam.

Sigh.

And so we say goodbye to David the international model from Poland, interrupter of conversations, destroyer of Bro Codes. Statues will surely be erected in his honour.

"I think I'll just stay single for a while," he mopes as he walks to the limo of doom, Richie grabbing him on the bum as he passes.

Somehow, I think that dream is more than achievable.

Well that's it for this one- better go on and READ EPISODE THREE! Or you can go back and READ EPISODE ONE again.



2 comments :

  1. Thank you for adressing the misogynist behaviour! Imagine women would have talked like that about The Bachelor Sam (the other Sam), like "dude, let me pass you on to the next woman"... Everyone would have noticed how weird it is! But we often don't notice these things the other way round because it is how we are socialized! Glad to have your recaps to point it out and .,, yes... Makes me mad too, now that I see it!

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  2. You expressed the interview in the right way, they are easy to understand. Your questions are so cunning. All together it is a good work.

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