We rejoin our queens back in the Werk Room, where Kim Chi, Derrick Barry and Robbie Turner have decided to commemorate Naysha's departure with an impromptu production of The Wizard of Oz:
With Kim Chi as the cowardly lion, Derrick as Britney Spears, and Robbie as Toto.
Realising no one has yet been assigned the role of the Wicked Witch of the West, Laila McQueen steps in with some thoughts on the runway show.
"Naomi's boat looked like shit. Cynthia's outfit was a knock-off pink version of Detox's from her season," she snarls.
I've got to hand it to her, she CLOCKED this one.
"And miss Derrick Berry - girl, the first episode, a bikini? Really?" Laila says.
Meanwhile, watching at home:
"What's wrong with wearing a bikini in the first episode?"
Suddenly over the P.A we hear what sounds like RuPaul throwing up after eating one too many Tic Tacs, and... oh no wait, it's actually Bob throwing up.
The others did try to warn her about that curry last night.
No it's not, it's just the stupid noise that heralds another Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail.
"Blah blah blah, this bit is pointless as I'm just going to come into the room in three seconds and explain the next challenge anyway, blah bah blah," says RuPaul from the old pizza box mounted to the wall that everyone is pretending is a flat screen TV this week.
Suddenly the lights start to flicker as a cold chill comes over the Werk Room. The floor vibrates with a low humming noise, like a broken fridge, and the walls begin to shake, but no one notices because they're made of painted canvas and they shake all the time anyway. Cynthia starts picking candies off her bodice in order to stress-eat, but just as she's about to pop one in her mouth Derrick grabs it off her, points to the superglue on it and screams "TOXIC!"
Just then the door at the stop of the stairs bursts open and...
It's a giant blue hat with RuPaul attached!
Everyone is super excited to see the hat, especially Acid Betty, Naomi and Robbie, who were just on their way out the door to a fancy dress party before it arrived.
Naomi is going as an extra from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Robbie is going as "transgender lumberjack", while Acid Betty is performing a conceptual art piece entitled "Bukkake Party in Mumbai".
"For today's mini challenge we'll be having a a latin-style dance off," says the hat.
"TCCHYEEEESSS! I LOFF AN ONFAIR ADVANTAGE!"
Well, he says "a latin style dance off" but what he really means is "an extended display of casual racism", as everyone drags up in "Spanish" costumes and starts making jokes about Latinas.
"Spanish women don't shave their legs, right? So my hairy legs are good?" says Thorgy Thor.
Meanwhile, watching at home:
KINDA RACIST LATIN STYLE DANCE-OFF IN A NUTSHELL:* "Say hello to AB Soto!" says RuPaul, and everyone assumes they're about to star in a government information campaign about a new rare blood type, but then it turns out he's referring to an actual person:
* Unfortunately Bob can't participate in the challenge, because she's off to that fancy dress party with everyone else:
She's going as Missy Elliot circa the "Work It" video.
* Dazed and confused from a hard night on the tacos, Jinkx Monsoon shows up thinking she's still on the show:
"TEQUILA OFF A DUCK'S BACK, MOTHER F***ERS!"
* Chi Chi DeVayne maximises her on screen opportunity by advertising her new line of Y fronts:
Just $7.99 for qa pack of three, now available at Wal Mart.
* Meanwhile, off to one side:
"Hey, showing coo-coo is MY thing!"
* Laila McQueen looks like Speedy Gonzalez in drag:
* When you're totally nailing your audition but then you drop your fan:
It was going so well up to that point, too.
* When your eyebrows are on fleek but you realise left your mobile phone at home:
"HOW AM I GONNA TAKE A SELFIE NOW?"
* BREAKING: Thorgy Thor is my favourite. I mean, I'm not entirely convinced she's not actually Fred Armisen doing a Portlandia character, but I love her anyway.
Cynthia-Lee Fontaine and Chi Chi DeVayne are declared the winners for being the only ones whose dancing didn't look like it required the attendance of paramedics, and they are made to pick teams for the main challenge - a drag revamp of the movie "Pitch Perfect".
I didn't see Pitch Perfect, but as I understand it involves a lot of singing and dancing, so this should be a shoo-in for Kim Chi who can do neither without looking like a yeti on valium.
Still, Rebel Wilson was in Pitch Perfect so there's probably still hope for her.
Chi Chi takes her "Shady Bitches" team of Acid Betty, Thorgy, Naomi and Mark into the corner to start learning the songs, something which annoys Acid Betty who thinks they should be learning the choreography first, no, they should be learning everything all at once, no actually they should have already had all this shit down and be finished already.
"We've got to start doing something, we can't just sit here LEARNING WORDS," she says, because she is a brilliant artist and brilliant artists don't need stupid words.
"Nah screw the script, I'll just wing it."
"I've known Betty for 10 years and because she's so artistic, sometimes she gets away with being a f**king asshole," says Thorgy.
You don't say.
Unfortunately when Chi Chi finally gives in and starts running through dance moves, Mark can't pick them up, because her rhythm of "pat, pat, pat-pat, pat" is too complex.
TFW you're in charge of choreography but your dancers can't even work out how to pat their boobs.
Meanwhile over in the other corner, NPR host Ira Glass has shown up to help Cynthia workshop her team's performance:
"Next on This American Life: why cuts to public radio have forced me to moonlight on a reality TV show about drag queens."
The rest of team "Lady Bitches" - Bob, Derrick, Laila, Robbie and Kim - start working out their characters, with everyone deciding Laila should play Derrick's dumb, boring little sister.
"My biggest concern is that I'm going to fade into the background," says Laila, a valid concern given she is managing to do exactly that despite wearing spikes on her shoulders, purple hair and a nose ring.
Where'd she go?
Back over in Acid Betty's Work House, she's cracking the whip again because Chi Chi is daring to talk about shoes. And also breathe, and blink, and do anything except what Acid Betty thinks needs to be done to prepare for the challenge.
"So we all know our lip syncs somewhat, the words? I think that's going to be the most important part," Betty says.
Just a reminder.
Meanwhile, over at Cynthia's work space, RuPaul is continuing in his mission to have the most oversized accessories on the show:
"Are those glasses bigger than mine?"
"Er... no ma'am. I just have a small head."
While RuPaul starts going through the wardrobes and setting fire to all the hats to prevent being upstaged again, Acid Betty and Chi Chi are busy staging the world's first Shady Reaction Face Olympics:
If only they could harness that energy, they could deliver clean power to half the midwest.
Speaking of shade, it seems there's a new addition to the Werk Room this year: the "Shade Tree":
The stunning set design on this show never fails to impress.
It looks like a truck stop bathroom but actually is a sort of video confessional where the queens can go in and unload.
So, kind of like a truck stop bathroom.
"I don't need no shade tree, I AM a shade tree."
With prep time over, everyone heads over to the runway to rehearse with professional choreographer Jamal Sims, who tries to help them through the force of his sheer good looks:
"It's no use... their dancing is too bad... my powers grow weak..."
Things get even worse when Kim "two left club feet" Chi and Laila "why am I here" McQueen step to the front line.
Kim Chi is Jamal's kryptonite.
Meanwhile, if that's the way Laila is planning on dancing, it's probably best if she does fade into the background.
"Kim Chi falls and my heart drops out of my coo coo," sighs Cynthia-Lee, shaking her head glumly.
OK, I officially love this catchphrase now.
"I can do the choreography but my only problem is hitting the points at the right times," laments Kim Chi, seemingly not understanding that "hitting the points at the right times" IS choreography.
So morose is Kim Chi that she heads to the Shade Tree, aka an iPhone on a stick in the corner of the tea room, to fret about her future in the competition.
I'm sure the All You Can Eat Chinese buffet restaurant they stole that neon sign from is going to come looking for it soon...
Will Kim Chi fail the dancing challenge? (Probably not.)
Will she get told to sashay away? (Doubtful.)
Is this a ploy to get us to empathise with her so we love her even more when she overcomes her problems to be in the final three? (Yep.)
Is it working? (Damn straight.)
Back in the Werk Room, all the queens are showcasing their multitasking skills by putting on makeup while simultaneously competing in an impromptu game of "Who's Had The Toughest Life?".
"I used to weigh 350 pounds," says Kim Chi.
"I was bullied for being chubby," says Acid Betty.
"I was bullied for being chubby AND gay," says Mark.
But then Kim Chi reveals her biggest secret:
Meanwhile Thorgy is like "Wait til they find out this isn't my real hair..."
Just as it's looking like Kim Chi is going to win the game, Chi Chi pipes up and announces she used to be in a gang.
"I've seen people shot, I've smelled the smell of brains," she says.
This is a smell wholly unfamiliar to Laila.
But enough of all this because...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* I tried to come up with something funny to say about RuPaul. I really did. But... I mean...
Just look at her. Seriously.
* Even Michelle Visage is devoid of comedic potential tonight, looking completely elegant and put together and fierce as hell:
And when you can't even crack a joke about La Visage, you know you're in trouble.
* Special guest judge Lucian Piane looks great too:
Even though his tie is still downloading.
* Even Jamal Sims looks good, despite dressing like a couch from the set of Mob Wives:
I wouldn't mind sitting on that couch.
* And then there is this person:
Before we get to the runway, we have to endure the queens' presentation of "Bitch Perfect", their dragged up stage version of that film I didn't see because I'm not 12.
The basic premise is... oh look, it's really not important. Just know that it involves a lot of bad a cappella versions of RuPaul songs, which should be enough encouragement for you to hit the fast forward button.
* Bob looks like the lead singer from Twisted Sister fell asleep in a tanning booth:
"WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT!"
* I have no idea who this is:
* I am pretty sure I went to school with this chick:
She was an exchange student, I'd recognise her anywhere.
* Team Lady Bitches sings RuPaul's "Superstar", pulls a comedy move that no one under the age of 30 will understand. (Sucked in, Tumblr kids)
* Team Shady Bitches drags up in their best street attire, looks like the best 90s hip hop crew that never was:
Whoever they are, I want to buy their album.
* Chi Chi lip syncs while doing a headstand and still manages to look cool as shit:
I would like to join this gang, please.
* Laila McQueen tries really hard not to fade into the background, fails.
There she is.
* Cynthia-Lee Fontaine tries to heed Jamal's earlier advice to "kick the energy up a notch", but misunderstands due to her limited English so instead just kicks off her shoe into the lighting rig.
"This is correct, yes? I kick into the energy source? Do you want to see my coo coo?"
Finally it's time for the fashion runway which, for no apparent reason, has been given the theme of "Movie Premiere Realness".
* Cynthia-Lee Fontaine is first up, looking absolutely gorgeous, if a little boring, in a bronze sequinned gown:
We've all been there.
* Next is Bob, showing some seriously excellent legs in a sheer black number.
OK, is everyone going to look great tonight? Because that's not funny.
* Chi Chi DeVayne looks fabulous:
Come on guys, seriously guys, you're giving me nothing...
Although if you've ever seen Britney at a movie premiere, you'd understand why.
* Also: I want Derrick's hair here, please and thank you.
* Well damn, Robbie Turner!
Nice of you to finally show up!
* Even Mark looks good:
* Fortunately for the purposes of comedy, Laila McQueen's attempt at looking classy is scuppered when she gets a run in her tights and a crippling attack of diarrhea on the runway at the same time:
That is a very unique look of pain on her face.
* And Kim Chi looks like a medical text book "before" photo:
Fig 1: The patient presented with itchy, pink pustules covering her chest and torso...
* But then along comes Naomi Smalls looking like Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell somehow made a daughter who grew up to be in En Vogue:
And I am LIVING for it.
* Then there's Acid Betty, who mishears "movie premiere realness" for "amateur theatre production of 'Marie Antoinette' in which the lead actress is involved in a horrible threshing accident to the face realness":
To be fair, she DID nail that brief...
* And what the fuck movie is Acid Betty going to, by the way? Presumably one where peripheral vision is not required.
* I don't know what movie premiere Thorgy Thor is going to either, but I'll bet there's cocaine involved:
I would so wear this.
* "Ladies, this week you worked in teams, but you'll be judged as individuals," announces RuPaul, thus completely negating what little point the team challenge had.
* Bob, Cynthia-Lee, Naomi, Robbie and Derrick are declared safe, and are sent back to the green room to enjoy some week-old rice crackers and a Fruit Box (just the one, they have to share it).
* Next under the microscope is Laila... except... huh. That's weird. Where'd she go?
"I'm here! I'm waving at you! Hello?"
I guess she must have gone to the toilet or something.
* "I can tell you played a character to cover up that you can't dance,"Michelle Visage tells Kim Chi.
"You know, like how I play a character to cover up that RuPaul barely even knows me."
"Security, please remove that woman to my right, whoever she is. She's annoying me."
* "I just wanna smell you," Jamal tells Kim Chi.
This is not normally what people say when faced with kimchi.
* Everybody loves Chi Chi Devayne, except Acid Betty who seethes so furiously at seeing her rival receive praise she starts picking up Radio 4 on her headpiece:
"Coming up next it's the World at One..."
* Jamal praises Acid Betty for being "a team player"; everyone immediately drops dead from severe irony.
"You were concerned about everybody else and I appreciate stuff like that because it lets me know you care," he tells her.
They see me trollin'.... they hatin'...
* "I love the headpiece, I love the body art, I'm not getting the train," says the person I've never seen before.
Frankly the only person who should be getting this train is the bin attendant at Goodwill.
* Meanwhile La Visage seems to love Acid Betty, telling her: "You're setting the bar so high."
She's set about 50 of them actually, all around her face.
* She's not so impressed with Mark, telling her she has a "quadra-butt".
Which I guess makes this an "octo-butt".
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Jill and Bobby's Quadra-Butt Store in Dayton, Ohio. Jill and Bobby's: serving the community since 1987 for all your quadra-butt needs.
Chi Chi is crowned the night's winner, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a 20 per cent off voucher for Olive Garden (redeemable Monday lunch only), a can of Diet Coke that RuPaul once considered drinking, and this look from Acid Betty:
When the fifth tequila takes hold but you have to keep it together to sell used cars.
But that's not all - RuPaul announces her prize package also includes a holiday in New England.
"YOU MEAN I GET TO GO OVERSEAS?" shrieks Chi Chi, for whom "geography" is just an abstract concept.
"New England? Man I can't wait, I bet it's better than crummy Old England."
Acid Betty, Thorgy Thor and Kim Chi are sent back to the starting blocks, leaving Mark and Laila "Two Times Bottom Two" McQueen to go head to head in a lip sync battle to disco classic "I Will Survive".
"Disco is not really my genre, but I'm confident I can beat... er... Laila. Sorry, I forgot her name for a sec," says Mark, stifling a yawn.
"Dax is kinda lacklustre, and this song is not lacklustre," drones Laila, looking like valium personified.
Me right now, listening to these two.
"Lacklustre" would seem to be an appropriate word to launch into this, potentially the most boring lip sync of all time, so let's go.
And it starts magnificently, with Laila doing her hair and Mark playing air piano like she's just dropped acid:
We've all been there.
They both slack around the stage looking thoroughly bored, a sentiment echoed by the judges.
Nothing of even minor interest happens until Mark accidentally dances straight into Laila and almost causes a drag collision:
"Sorry I didn't see you there, against the background..."
In an effort to stand out from the glittery backdrop Laila strips off her sequinned dress to dance in her underwear, an idea which probably looked better in her head:
At least I hope it did.
The judges are thrilled:
"Ladies, I've made my decision," announces RuPaul.
"Neither one of you survived that lip sync."
"OH MY GOD!"
"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"
"Sorry, what's going on? I was trying to find my shoes..."
And so both Mark and Laila McQueen sashay away, hand in hand. THERE SHALL BE NO SHANTAYING TONIGHT.
But wait, what's happening at the judges' desk?
"Michelle, may I borrow your phone?" says RuPaul.
"I had to eliminate two queens tonight. How soon can you get here?" she says down the line.
Next week on Drag Race:
That's it! Now go on and READ EPISODE THREE! Or you can go back and READ EPISODE ONE again.