We rejoin our queens back in the Werk Room after the stunning double elimination, where everyone is bereft at the loss of... er... that girl with the green hair and... um... that other one.
"If yew ain't steppin' dat puussy errrp, yer ass is gowwn howwwm," drawls Chi Chi DeVayne as I fall ever more in love with her.
"Who do you think RuPaul called?" says Naomi, who has already forgotten about the two evictees and has moved on to more pressing matters.
"Victoria Pork Chop Parker!" says Bob.
"Shangela!" says someone else.
Meanwhile Acid Betty is being uncharacteristically quiet...
"I think we should all agree that whoever the new girl is we should all ignore her and treat her like poo," says Acid Betty, trying to deflect attention from herself for the first time ever.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where clearly no one has anything funny or interesting to say because "SHEEDUHREDDYYDUHHARHERRRRRZZZ".
"Just shut up and laugh intermittently."
"Blah blah blah henny blah blah blah hunties blah blah blah sheeduhreddyyyduhahherrzzz," a producer reads from a clipboard, standing in for the video of RuPaul they will edit in in post-production.
Just as Cynthia is trying to work out why RuPaul has suddenly gotten so much shorter and whiter and is reading from a clipboard, a terrible boom knocks everyone off their feet, and they collapse in a screaming pile of sequins - even Kim Chi, who's never gone down before.
Thorgy Thor starts counting her dreads to make sure they're all still there, while Robbie rushes to her workstation to check her Jinkx Monsoon shrine is still intact. (It is). Meanwhile, sensing the apocalypse might be nigh, Betty and Derrick begin to brawl over their only remaining food source: the last packet of M&Ms in the vending machine.
"If you hit me baby, one more time..." threatens Derrick, as Betty does.
See what I did there?
Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs begins to creak. The queens all gasp in horror as it swings open to reveal...
"OH MY GOD, THE BLACK HAT!" screams Robbie, as she scratches that square off her "RuPaul's oversized hat bingo" card. Just a few more to go and she'll win the meat tray!
"When the Supreme Court legalised same sex marriage they moved this country boldly forward," announces the hat.
Oh, gay marriage. That sounds nice. We don't know about that down here in Australia. We're all too busy worrying about whether Teh Gayz are using anti-bullying programs in schools as a front to magically convert straight teenagers for their rainbow army:
Damn, it's getting political up in here. ON A DRAG SHOW? Can't have that. Better move it along somehow...
Yep, that'll do it.
"For today's mini challenge I want you to drag up these basic black justices' robes - think Judge Judy couture," says RuPaul.
SUPREME COURT REALNESS CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL
Naomi Smalls is declared the winner for some reason and receives a puff of air from RuPaul's mouth as a prize. She will treasure it forever.
"Last week's double elimination left a void that I've decided to fill," announces RuPaul.
This is it! This is where we find out who RuPaul called on the phone last week! Another queen is returning!
Will it be Sharon Needles?
No, it's none of those... it's...
Yes, Naysha's back. Yawn.
Still, it's better than the last time we saw Naysha's back:
With Naysha Lopez back in the competition and everything back to how it was in week one (well Laila and Mark aren't there but you can't really tell the difference) RuPaul goes on to explain the week's main challenge: acting in a parody of TV series "Empire".
Everyone squeals with delight despite having never seen an episode.
Naysha and Naomi are appointed team captains, and split off to start rehearsing.
She follows this inspired decision by putting Kim Chi, a fairly introverted queen who can barely talk without falling over her own lips, in the role of "Chocolate Chip Cookie - an over the top super diva with major attitude".
Over in the other corner, Chi Chi DeVayne takes one look at Naysha's team and sums up the problem in two words:
Meanwhile, over on Team Empire Strikes Black, everyone is feeling their oats because Robbie Turner, who is apparently a Trained Actress, is giving everyone lessons in the Stanislavsky method to ensure they win the challenge.
"We're definitely gonna win this challenge," beams Chi Chi.
Back on the other side of the room, Naysha has finally worked out that a lisping Korean virgin is perhaps not the best choice to play an in-your-face, over the top, black diva, and so has recast the role of Chocolate Chip Cookie with Thorgy Thor, who is so white she gets a sunburn from the TV.
Hey, Chi Chi, what colour is Thorgy?
Finally it's time to move over to the film set where hip hop mogul Faith Evans is waiting to collect her pay cheque.
Eager to impress her, Derrick immediately launches into an impromptu performance of "I might be white but I can still kick it yo check out my 'fro".
It does not go down well.
Over to you, Chi Chi:
EMPIRE CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL* Naysha's team opts to go first, as they're all on their way to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Come as your favourite Drag Race character".
Acid Betty is going as Michelle Visage without her wig on:
* Thorgy Thor is going as Michelle Visage with her wig on:
* Kim Chi is going as the love-child of Jujubee and Gia Gunn:
* Not to be outdone, Naysha is going as the love-child of Manila Luzon and Phi Phi O'Hara:
* And Derrick Barry is going as someone who is
* Disappointed with Kim Chi's level of blackness, Faith Hill gives some advice on how to improve her characterisation:
* Next up is Naomi's team, who are also on their way to a fancy dress party with the theme "Come as your favourite '90s female rapper".
Chi Chi is going as Mary J Blige:
* Naomi is going as Spinderella from Salt N Pepa:
* Cynthia is going as Dolly Parton that time she rapped on the Queen Latifah show:
* Robbie can't think of any 90s rappers, just dresses as Stevie Nicks:
* Cynthia accidentally mishears her role of "strong, gay woman" as "insane disco clown pimp":
* In a plot development that surprises absolutely no one, Robbie "the trained actress" turns out to be a bit shit at acting.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room where everyone is preparing for the runway show which this week is totally no big deal at all it just involves them doing it
Yes, not only does each queen have to come up with some sort of fabulous outfit, they then have to model it on the runway
For some reason, no one seems the least concerned about this except for Bob, who appears to be the only one to have never rollerskated before, despite it being 2016 and not 1975.
Honestly, what is going on here? If someone asked me to rollerskate down a runway I'd probably punch them in the face out of fear. And here these queens are like "sure no problem am I allowed to do tricks too?".
"You've NEVER skated before?" Acid Betty gasps at Bob, as though she's just announced she's never caught a bus before or eaten yoghurt.
IT'S 2016, NO ONE FUCKING ROLLERSKATES ANYMORE.
"Girl, I'm the disco rockin' diva of the roller rink," brags Robbie, who may actually be Brains from Thunderbirds.
Meanwhile, Thorgy is busy telling a story about how her mum died of cancer and her dad didn't tell her until it was too late and... it's really very sad and not funny at all, so that's all I'm going to say about that.
BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE THORGY SO MUCH THORGY FTW.
Anyway, enough teary stories. Chi Chi, what do we want the mood to be?
And so without further ado...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* In an effort to secure Rocco's Car Detailing in Daytona Beach, Florida as a new sponsor for the show, RuPaul ROLLERSKATES DOWN THE GOD DAMN RUNWAY dressed as this car:
* Meanwhile, on the judges' panel:
* RuPaul asks judge Carson Kressley what his favourite cookie is.
"I like those Samoans," says Carson.
"IT'S A SAMOA! NOT A SAMOAN! A SAMOAN IS A PERSON!" wails Michelle.
PS: From a confused Aussie - what the hell is a Samoa cookie?
* Faith Evans is back on the judging panel, along with some other rando, I dunno, whatever, no one cares.
* First one down the runway is Naysha Lopez. Actually she's the first one down ON the runway...
* Thorgy Thor skates like she was born wearing wheels, can do no wrong.
* Derrick Barry looks like Britney Spears after a tragic accident at the bubble wrap factory:
* Despite not being able to walk a straight line without looking like a stoned gorilla, Kim Chi manages to skate down the runway dressed as a giant bird:
* Acid Betty looks like the singer from Dead or Alive had a three way with Tina Turner from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and a unicorn and gave birth in a BDSM dungeon:
* Naomi's all like "Should I put together an awesome outfit for this runway?"
* Everyone is doing so well on these skates, it's sort of unimpressive now.
Oh wait, spoke too soon.
* "I LOFF my runwayyy outfit, it's like Farrah Fawcett meets with Olivia Newton John in Texas," coos Cynthia.
* Chi Chi backwards skates down the runway like something straight out of a 90s music video:
* Recognising her lacklustre performance in the acting challenge impressed exactly no one, Robbie turns it up for the runway, literally:
* After the runway, RuPaul plays the two Empire skits they all filmed earlier. Sadly the footage is copyrighted so I can't reproduce it, but here's a re enactment to give you an idea of how it turned out:
* Naysha, Kim Chi, Naomi and Chi Chi are all declared safe, and rollerskate off to the green room to enjoy a some lukewarm instant coffee while being glared at by a surly production assistant.
* "You're very '70s, you've got the big blonde 'fro," Carson tells Thorgy, which is sort of more a statement of fact than a judgement, but sure OK why not.
* "YOU'RE SO GOOD!" yells Michelle Visage to Thorgy, which is also a statement of fact.
* "I feel like you're coming out here and these clothes are wearing you," Michelle tells Derrick.
* "What you need to get to work on is giving us your soul," La Visage tells Derrick, before pointing at her Logo TV contract and saying "See? It says so right here."
* Michelle tells Acid Betty her look is predictable.
"I want to see something way different," she says.
* Everyone raves about Bob's robot look as though she hasn't just put on some shitty silver lipstick, slipped into a spandex bodysuit and stumbled all over the runway.
* "What's bothering me about your look is all the silver acoutrements and then the gold necklace," Michelle tells Robbie.
* "Thorgy Thor's Chocolate Chip Cookie brings all the boys to the yard," declares Carson.
"That's a milkshake," corrects Faith Evans.
* "I just feel like Cynthia didn't commit to the role that she had in the scene," declares the random whoever judge.
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Gays for Donald Trump. "Just because you pump, doesn't mean you can't support Trump!"
Bob is declared the winner of the acting challenge and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a rare copy of the Bodyguard soundtrack signed by Michelle Visage (although it's actually rarer to find one she HASN'T signed), an HB pencil (sharpening required) and a can of Miracle Whip (expiry 2007),
Acid Betty and Derrick Barry are sent back to the safe zone, leaving Cynthia-Lee Fontaine and Robbie Turner to duke it out in a lip sync battle to end all battles...
Well, Robbie keeps her skates on, Cynthia swaps hers for some truly terrible gold strappy things:
And so begins an epic lip sync to Faith Evans' "Mesmerise", a rockin' disco track I have never heard before but am now officially obsessed with, and it's clear from the outset that Robbie has this one in the bag.
"EVERYONE IS MESMERISED ABOUT MY COO COO AND MY DANCE!" gasps Cynthia, as Robbie skates past her backwards, doing a pirouette.
Yeah, no they're not, sweetie.
Cynthia tries her hardest, death dropping and doing the splits but it's no use, Robbie is skating rings around her, literally.
And while Cynthia is shaking her bright red coo coo all over the place, ultimately it just can't compete with Robbie's incredible flying butt:
And so Cynthia-Lee Fontaine sashays away, taking her coo coo with her.
Poor Cynthia. If only she hadn't been so...
OK, that's it for this one... better go on and READ EPISODE FOUR, Or why not go back and READ EPISODE TWO again? You might like it even more this time!