Having just said goodbye to Naysha Lopez and the moulting chipmunk she called a hairdo, all the queens have gathered in the Werk Room to witness Chi Chi apologise for her "under-bus-throwing" demonstration on the last runway.
"Ahhhm sawwrry Dirrick, it wuz jist me being a bitch, ahhm sawwrry," she drawls.
"Yeah. It WAS you being a bitch," says Derrick, which I guess is how people accept apologies in Las Vegas.
"Well it's my second week in the bottom three," laments Derrick, in what appears to be a formal invitation to everyone else to tell her how great she is and how the judges are being unfair.
The invitation gets lost in the mail.
"I was in shock that it was not you lip syncing,"slags Naomi.
"Well Chris Stein said I could impersonate Debbie Harry and they'd take me out on tour," protests Derrick.
"They may have been on drugs, I want a drug test," says Bob.
Meanwhile Acid Betty who's only half been paying attention, shrieks "Oh shit, they're doing drug tests now?" and runs out of the room.
Even though she spent most of the last musical challenge wailing like a dying cat that got its head stuck in a fence, Derrick is outraged at the suggestion that the only way Debbie Harry could have enjoyed her performance is through the use of illicit drugs, and attacks Bob for talking too much.
"Oh so you do side shady comments and it's fine, but when I do it it's not right?" says Bob.
"I don't see that I do that," says Derrick, as the film crew wheels in another lighting rig to counteract the natural shade she's throwing off.
And just like the bullet that killed Franz Ferdinand, so this stray piece of shade begins a bloody war the likes of which will be spoken about in reverent tones for centuries to come. Minstrels will compose ballads about it, writers will pen epic poems hailing its heroes, and artists will create giant tapestries depicting its gory scenes of queen-on-queen brutalisation.
Yea, the Battle of Bob and Derrick has begun!
Of course, the only way to properly catalogue this war of words and determine a winner is by implementing the international shade measurement standard of Latrice Royales.
Forgetting that whole thing she said 30 seconds ago about not being shady, Derrick fires the first shot with: "Hey Bob, if I wanna do ratchet drag next week can you give me any tips?"
"So all I need to do is not wear a wig and I'll be told by the judges that I'm pretty?" says Derrick.
"Your intentions weren't to hurt me?" says Derrick.
"If I wanted to hurt you you'd be crying right now, bitch," says Bob.
Derrick thinks for a second to come up with a truly devastating line, raises her eyebrows and blurts: "I WILL NEVER CRY...
Faced with cleaning up the pile of rubble that Derrick has become, Kim Chi picks up Thorgy and starts using her dreadlocks like a mop while Louisiana native Chi Chi retreats the corner with Katrina related PTSD flashbacks. Suddenly a sharp, twisted cry rings out across the Werk Room, sending everyone scattering under the tables in fear of another Bob shade-raid.
"My god, this place is such a CIRCUS!" screams the pile of bricks that is Derrick.
Fortunately for everyone though it's just the sound of the non gender specific and A-sexual mail arriving, followed by this:
"For this week's maxi challenge we're going to drive along the Hollywood freeway looking for fresh roadkill, and you'll need to transform their furry little pelts into couture," announces RuPaul.
Meanwhile, watching at home:
Sadly, as magnificent as this challenge would be (seriously, can you imagine Robbie Turner covered in dead squirrels? She might finally get some air time dressed like that), it's all just a big joke because actually, the real challenge this week is...
THE SNATCH GAME!
Aka the one where everyone impersonates celebrities not very well and isn't ever really funny and why is this always the most anticipated episode of the season it's never actually that good.
Robbie Turner announces she'll be doing former queen of Vogue, Diana Vreeland.
"Do you think that's a touch obscure?" asks Bob.
"Pfft, not at all," scoffs Robbie.
Meanwhile, at home:
Naomi announces she's going to be doing Whoopi Goldberg from The Colour Purple.
Sure. A poor, downtrodden woman who is raped by her father, beaten and raped by her husband, has her children taken away, is forced to separate from her sister and is generally fucked over by the entire world. That sounds... funny.
Fortunately Bob is on hand to scupper the idea by announcing she too is going to do Whoopi Goldberg, from Sister Act.
Kim Chi announces she's thinking of doing either Pearl from Drag Race season seven, or "Kimmy Jong Un", a drag dictator from North Korea that she just made up.
"Madonna has so many iconic looks, I can't wait to see what everybody comes up with!" says Chi Chi.
Yes. Madonna really does have so many iconic looks. SO. FUCKING MANY. There are literally hundreds to choose from. HUNDREDS. Just thought I'd mention that.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... aaaaaand:
IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!* Joining us as celebrity guest judges are models Gigi Hadid (but hadid what? We may never know) and Chanel Iman, who sounds like she got her name from a "What's Your Fashion Week Runway Name?" internet meme generator.
* Acid Betty attempts Nancy Grace, ends up more like "mildly aggressive Year 9 substitute economics teacher circa 1995":
* Robbie Turner does Diana Vreeland, no one can tell if it's accurate or not:
* Jeez, Pearl is looking so different these days:
* Wow, I love Magnolia Crawford's new hair colour:
* Naomi tries to impress by coming as the entire city of New York:
* Chi Chi shows up as Eartha Kit, slays it:
* Derrick finally gets off the psychotopic drugs, decides to do Britney Spears instead of a racist YouTube character:
* Although can I just remind everyone: TATIANNA SEASON TWO.
Still kind of the best.
* Bob comes as Uzo Aduba, star of "Orange is the New Black", an emotional drama series about a woman in an abusive relationship with her own finger:
* "There's a new dating app for drag queens," says RuPaul.
"When you join, the first question they ask is 'how big is your BLANK'?"
* Not wanting to be outdone in the missed comedy opportunity-athon unfolding around her, Naomi answers "clock" and then proceeds to firebomb every obvious joke lead thrown her way.
"Drag queens love a big-ass clock, don't they!" laughs RuPaul.
"Do YOU like big clocks?" asks RuPaul.
Naomi nods again.
* Bob does some shit.
* "The big bad wolf is a drag queen. Instead of huffing and puffing and blowing, she BLANKS the house down," says RuPaul.
"I used to work for Vogue," says Robbie Turner, in a super subtle way of reminding everyone who the hell she's supposed to be.
"But I hear that 'vogue' now means a dance, so I say she 'VOGUES the house down'."
* Still, Robbie is only marginally worse than Chi Chi, who seems to think Eartha Kitt actually WAS a cat.
* "Good girls gone bad! Yeah yeah yeah yeah," shouts Derrick Barry for no apparent reason, doing a Britney style shimmy in her seat.
"You should do that ONE MORE TIME," says Bob.
So Derrick does.
* Bob does some more shit.
* "Lady Bunny doesn't hang her rainbow flag out the window to celebrate pride, instead she dangles her BLANK," says RuPaul.
"Her blanket!" says Thorgy, flinging a fake baby off the edge of the desk in what is a reference to an incident that happened 14 years ago.
* Then Thorgy says "sha-MONA" and I wonder if she even knows who Michael Jackson is.
* Bob goes off, gets changed, comes back as a drunk Uzo Aduba pretending to be Mike Tyson impersonating Carol Channing:
* Meanwhile, speaking of season two's Snatch Game being superior:
* "Sally is so lactose intolerant, when the photographer says 'cheese' she BLANKS," says RuPaul.
"She sneezes!" says Chanel Iman, who is so thin there is no room in her body for a working sense of humour.
* Realising no one has said or done a single funny thing in the last 10 minutes, RuPaul yells "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" and this happens:
I'm going to let Kim Chi sum up this episode so far:
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and we're back in the Werk Room where everyone is busy preparing for the big "Night of 100 Madonnas" runway.
Like, a hundred of them.
Just pointing that out for no real reason.
Just thought it was pertinent.
"As I'm pulling out my Madonna kimono, I notice Thorgy also has a kimono," says Kim Chi.
Over at the makeup mirrors, Thorgy and Acid Betty are discussing the limitations of the New York drag scene.
"Performers are always put in these boxes," laments Thorgy.
Suddenly Thorgy declares her main ambition is to conduct a 40 piece orchestra in full drag, revealing she is a professional violinist and cellist who "has played at Carnegie Hall many times".
Not to be outdone in the "reveal amazing things about your life" stakes, Naomi announces she is adopted by white parents.
"Did you ever feel a need to like, study up on black stuff?" Bob asks her.
But enough of all these shenanigans...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* In honour of tonight's Madonna theme, RuPaul strides out on the catwalk looking...
* Despite being a huge Madonna fan, Michelle Visage also bucks the theme by dressing as an accountant trying on his wife's lingerie for kicks:
* Carson Kressley comes dressed as a tribute to rare 1980s Madonna B-side "Your Auntie's Curtains (Really Draw Us Together)":
* Gigi Hadid and Chanel Iman are still there, so they obviously haven't found the exit yet.
* First up is Thorgy wearing a kimono, channeling Madonna's "Nothing Really Matters" video:
* And then there's Kim Chi wearing another kimono, channeling Madonna's "Paradise" video:
* And then there's Derrick Barry wearing... oh FFS.
* Moving on to Naomi Smalls, who is...
* Next up is Acid Betty, who thought about wearing a kimono but then went "how about I dress like a woman giving birth to a flock of birds instead?":
Apparently this look is from Madonna's "Bedtime Story" video.
* Then there's Robbie Turner, who has come as Madonna from the movie "A League of Their Own":
* OH FUCKING FINALLY.
* Next is Bob, who unfortunately misheard "Madonna" as "scout's honour":
* RuPaul takes one look at all the kimonos and realises she'll have to pardon Kim Chi or risk looking racist, so she sends her and Chi Chi back to the green room to enjoy a special Madonna themed cocktail: ionised water with a red kabbala string tied around the glass.
* "Tonight on the stage there's a lot of kimonos, which is very interesting," says Michelle, which is funny because I was just thinking the exact opposite.
* Everyone raves about Thorgy's Michael Jackson in the Snatch Game, with Gigi Hadid enthusing "You kept character better than anyone!"
* Everyone agrees Acid Betty's Nancy Grace was the worst thing ever seen on Snatch Game, even counting the time Kenya Michaels made Beyonce look like an extra from the Jersey Shore.
"I wasn't sure how to turn such a serious woman funny," laments Acid.
Gosh, if only she had been able to choose someone funny, like, I dunno, ANYONE IN THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD SHE WANTED TO.
* Carson does a quick impression of how Acid should have done Nancy Grace, and it is better than the entire Snatch Game.
* La Visage tells Robbie Turner she should have gone bigger with Diana Vreeland because she wasn't funny enough.
* "Punk took my voice away," rasps Robbie, like she's auditioning for a Quit commercial.
"My voice kept cracking, and I was going in and out doing Diana Vreeland," she continues.
And what about your personality, Robbie? DID YOUR PERSONALITY KEEP GOING IN AND OUT TOO?
* Michelle tells Naomi she's sick of seeing her in lingerie, a sentence neither Chanel nor Gigi has ever heard before.
* "I once asked Iman what was on her mind when she was on the runway, and she looked me dead in the eyes and said 'Africa'," says RuPaul, as everyone wonders whether she's taken too much or not enough of her daily medication.
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Kerry's Kimonos in Talahassee, Florida.
Bob is crowned the night's winner for being the only one to not totally suck at both Snatch Game and looking sort of like Madonna, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a box of aspirin (home brand), a copy of Manila Luzon's latest single and VIP tickets to see Madonna! (On her 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour).
Derrick, Thorgy and Robbie are sent back to the safe zone to compare kimonos, leaving Naomi "It's Not Lingerie It's A Kimon... OK It's Lingerie" Smalls and Acid "I'm The Only One Who Wore Something Creative Give Me A Fucking Break" Betty to duke it out in a Madonna themed lip sync.
I can't wait to hear what song they've chosen! Will it be Vogue? Express Yourself? Holiday? Oh there are SO many Madonna hits to choose from! Papa Don't Preach! Ray of Light! Like A Prayer! Maybe it'll be Erotica? Like A Virgin! Material Girl!
And so Acid and Naomi begin their lip sync to the only Madonna song the producers could afford the rights to (well it was either this or Bitch I'm Madonna, so count your blessings).
It takes approximately 2.5 seconds for Betty to start regretting her choice of costume, being that she has a fitball strapped to her stomach and fake birds sticking out of her crotch. Sadly at no point does she rip it open and release a flock of live doves, because CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW GOOD THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN? I mean, animal cruelty, probably, but whatever.
Naomi however does rip her costume open, to reveal her lingerie:
Suddenly Betty drops to the floor, clutching her pregnant stomach - MAYBE SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH TO LIVE DOVES?
But no, she just rolls around a bit looking tortured.
Meanwhile, watching at home:
In the end Acid Betty's miscarriage is no match for Naomi Smalls' undercarriage, and she is told to sashay away.
I guess that means RuPaul just...
Well that's it for this episode! Time to go on and READ EPISODE SIX! Or go back and READ EPISODE FOUR again. (Go on, it helps my Google rankings.)