Having said goodbye to Acid "I Reckon I'll Just Do An Impression Of Someone I've Literally Never Seen Before On Snatch Game Because That Seems Like A Sound Idea" Betty, the kimono crew has returned to the Werk Room where Chi Chi is demonstrating her new Derrick Barry voodoo doll:
"Acid Betty's gone!" says Kim Chi gleefully, giving a thumbs up, which is an edit that probably would have made sense if anyone still thought Acid was a bitch. But no one does. So Kim Chi looks like a bitch instead. Congratulations, Kim Chi!
"The other queens think that what I do doesn't require any effort, and that's totally not true," sniffs Naomi, fresh from the bottom two.
She's not the only one hurting: Thorgy is fully pissed off about Bob's win on the runway, the 312th consecutive time this season.
Or maybe the second, I dunno, you expect me to pay attention to this crap?
"Thorgy, you're a shithead," retorts Bob.
"Have you ever played Jenga? That's Bob. Slowly he's being built up but sooner or later the foundation is going to crumble and he's going to take a big fall," says Robbie.
Other board games Bob is like include Hungry Hungry Hippos:
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room where OH MY GOD WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY CROSS OUT THE NAME OF A HOLY SIX PACK MEMBER WITH TEXTA, MISS BARRY. YOU WOULD BE FLAYED FOR THIS IN CERTAIN COUNTRIES! (Well actually, doing drag in the first place is likely to get you flayed in certain countries but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.)
Holy six pack, what do you have to say to this?
Meanwhile, at Nebraska Tourism:
"SEE ALL DUMB READY MADE HEARSES!" yells a producer from behind the shaking canvas wall in what is apparently an ad for this week's sponsor: Fanny's Funny Funerals in Laramie, Wyoming. Fanny's Funny Funerals: For laughs after death!
Sadly for the show's finance department, the only real advertisement they've been able to sell in years is interrupted by a video of RuPaul shrieking from another producer's mobile phone screen, which everyone agrees to pretend is actually a giant TV mounted on the wall.
"Blah blah blah puns about the Wizard of Oz blah blah blah have you ever noticed how often I talk about the Wizard of Oz blah blah blah I think it's really profound which is why I mention it in every interview blah blah blah I bet this segment doesn't end without me saying something about 'peeking behind the curtain' and/or The Matrix blah blah blah," says RuPaul.
Just then a massive thunderclap splits the air with a boom so loud it causes all the queens to drop to the floor, clutching their ears in pain - just like that time a few weeks ago when Derrick sang.
But unlike then, when they could just punch Derrick in the groin to get her to shut up, the booming noises keep coming and coming, and they all soon realise it's not thunder but the Werk Room stereo which has malfunctioned while playing RuPaul's "Peanut Butter" on maximum volume.
Thorgy starts stuffing her dreadlocks into her ears while shrieking "I TOLD YOU THEY'D BE USEFUL ONE DAY MOM", while Kim Chi sits in the corner crying "But I'm allergic to peanuts!".
"Well then, I guess IT'S ME AGAINST THE MUSIC!" shouts Derrick, before charging at the stereo with a pair of pinking shears.
Fortunately for Derrick his certain electrocution is postponed indefinitely when the door at the top of the stairs bursts open to reveal RuPaul, on his way to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Dickens goes to Paris Fashion Week".
And so we get to the entire point of Marked Snackables being on this episode: to say the word "read".
"THE LIBRARY IS OPEN!" declares RuPaul.
IT'S READING CHALLENGE TIME!
Hey Thorgy, how do you feel about Bob winning again?
"You've won jewels worth $1500 from Fierce Drag Jewels!" announces RuPaul, as everyone gasps.
Mack Snotlicker quietly lets himself out, having done absolutely nothing of interest in this episode whatsoever, and RuPaul announces the main challenge: pairing up with a dwarf from a reality TV show to recreate a look from the Wizard of Oz.
Here's how I reckon this totally bizarre challenge came about:
PRODUCER 1: So we have to cross promote this dwarf reality show thing somehow.
RUPAUL: The Wizard of Oz!
PRODUCER 2: Could we do like, a fashion challenge of some sort?
RUPAUL: The Wizard of Oz!
PRODUCER 1: Yeah a fashion challenge sounds good. Maybe based on a movie?
RUPAUL: The Wizard of Oz!
PRODUCER 2: Maybe a classic movie?
RUPAUL: GOD DAMMIT I WANT TO SEE MUNCHKINS.
So they all get into pairs and start working out their characters; Naomi's is the Scarecrow, which is perfect for her because she pretty much already looks like she's made out of sticks, and she may not actually have a brain.
"I really want to show the girls that I'm not just a walking bra and panty," she says.
Over on the other side of the Werk Room, Robbie Turner seems to have confused the Cowardly Lion with the Clueless Lion.
"So... we're gonna make a cute little dress... or maybe a leotard... or... I dunno," she says.
Given the last time Robbie attempted to make an outfit based on an animal she ended up looking like an exploded marshmallow with dog treats on her tits, today's challenge is probably not going to go so well.
Meanwhile, Derrick is busy explaining to RuPaul how she's going to create a Tinman costume by glueing stuff to a bathing suit.
Apparently this brilliant idea includes sticking car parts to her partner's shoulders, like a hobo who fell asleep in a junk pile:
Suddenly aware that she is about to look a fool on national television, and spying her chance to get off her crappy reality show and into some serious drama, Derrick's partner pipes up with an impromptu one woman performance of Misery:
As everyone backs away slowly from the dwarf with the axe, RuPaul explains the second part of their challenge: choreographing a "dreamy interpretive dance set in a poppy field".
Everyone starts rehearsing their dances in earnest, little knowing that, in the end, they will be so drastically boring they will be all but edited out of the episode so they probably shouldn't have bothered.
One person not dancing, or making a costume, or doing anything really is Chi Chi, who has basically wrapped some blue stretch lurex around her partner and called it a day.
Thorgy, you're up in everyone's business this episode, how does Chi Chi's fla-se-dah attitude make you feel?
"Fifteen minutes!" yells the producer, as Bob heads to the make up tables to start putting on her makeup.
OH NO BOB ONLY HAS 15 MINUTES TO PUT HER ENTIRE LOOK TOGETHER WHAT EVER WILL SHE DO?
Similarly crunched for time is Naomi, who has had to come to today's challenge straight from a Flintstones fancy dress party at Carson Kressley's house:
But enough of all this twattery - we've all run out of time!
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* After failing to dress to the Madonna theme on last week's runway, RuPaul continues to signal her monumental lack of interest in this entire endeavour by ignoring this week's theme too:
* Not so Michelle Visage, who has come as one of Dorothy's ruby slippers:
* And please welcome special guest judge Ruby Rhod from The Fifth Element:
* And please welcome special guest judge Marc Jacobs, wondering what he's doing here:
* First down the runway is Chi Chi, who is less "Dorothy Gale" and more "Dorothy from accounts who got her skirt caught in the shredder while slamming a beer bong at the office Christmas party":
* OMG I can't believe Bob put her whole outfit together in 15 minutes!
* Bob is supposed to be Glinda the good witch.
Just a reminder, this is Glinda:
In a nutshell, Bob looks more like the witch that got the house dropped on her than Glinda.
* Naomi takes exceptionally well to portraying a person made out of hay, despite not having eaten carbs since 1998:
* Having tried desperately to come up with something more avant-garde than a swimsuit with things stuck to it, Derrick Barry comes out wearing a swimsuit with avant-garde things stuck to it. Like dildoes, on the shoulders:
* Moving on to Robbie, whose creative process for the Cowardly Lion clearly went like this: "A cute little dress? A leotard? Kim Chi's outfit from episode one."
* Next up is Thorgy, doing her best impression of Laganja Estranja:
* Suddenly the sets shake, the lights flicker, and out walks...
Actually it's Kim Chi holding her little partner in the air to create a scary Wicked Witch of the East, a spectacular illusion that is wrecked as soon as she tries to put her down gracefully and looks more like a delivery man dropping a sack of potatoes.
* Her outfits are pretty hot though, even if they do look like rent-a-mourners at Tim Burton's funeral:
* Next up is the interpretive dance presentation.
Here are three things more entertaining than the interpretive dance presentation:
Now let's never speak of this again.
* Marc Jacobs tells Chi Chi he likes her. La Visage tells her she needs bigger boobs. At no stage does anyone mention that she looks like a street walker who got attacked by wild dogs.
* "I could get what you're wearing in a mall," Ross Mathews snips at Bob.
"I guess I felt like that's what the challenge was," says Bob, who clearly has a very different understanding of "Wizard of Oz Couture" than I do.
* Michelle Visage tells Derrick her outfit looks "so home made in the worst way", prompting Derrick to explain that she's "not a seamstress".
* "You're just giving me a bathing suit with something wrapped around your waist again, and putting two horse penises on your shoulders doesn't change it," Michelle snaps at Derrick.
* "I literally don't even know what to make out of what you're wearing," La Visage tells Robbie, which is coincidentally the same problem Robbie had.
* Michelle Visage goes on to read Robbie's hideous hairline for the 350th time this season for looking like her wig is trying to escape her head.
"I guess I'm a little bit more old school," Robbie says, by way of explanation.
* Ross tells Thorgy her look isn't memorable enough, and complains that he won't remember it three weeks from now when driving in traffic.
* Nobody mentions Chi Chi's total lack of ruby slippers. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHY WOULD YOU NOT WEAR RUBY SLIPPERS?
* RuPaul asks which of the queens should be sent home tonight, and half the group says Derrick, including Derrick, who hasn't been listening and thinks they're doing a lunch order.
The other half says Chi Chi, on the basis that she hot glued her outfit together instead of sewing.
* "There's a lot of hot glue going on at fashion shows, even at the Met ball - but I won't name names," says Marc Jacobs.
* RuPaul accidentally calls Derrick Britney, and it's the best compliment she's ever received.
* Then this happens:
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Lifetime TV. Lifetime TV: We're more than just crappy daytime biopics about royals and dead celebrities, we have shows with dwarves too!
In a decision that surprises absolutely no one Naomi Smalls is crowned the night's winner, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a can of Rexona with a broken spray button, a 10 per cent off voucher for Olive Garden (valid Mondays 5pm to 6pm only) and a Tiffany bracelet. No sorry, Tiffany's bracelet - it's plastic, with "Tiffany" written on it in puff paint. Congratulations, Naomi!
Thorgy, Bob, Chi Chi and Kim Chi are all sent back to the safe zone, and with the exception of Naomi and Kim Chi it looks like a police line-up for fashion crimes. Is this one of the worst runways ever? I mean, is it?
Not that it's any better out the front, where Derrick "Sure This Shower Curtain Material Says Tinman Why Not" Barry and Robbie "I'll Just Copy What Kim Chi Did That Time But Worse" Turner are about to go head to head in a totally on-theme lip sync to... Icona Pop's "I Love It".
I mean, I don't know why I was so upset about Chi Chi's lack of ruby slippers; clearly no one else gives a stuff about tonight's theme.
And so it begins, with Derrick looking like Britney on a bender and Robbie looking like her hired chaperone.
"I CRASHED MY CAR INTO THE BRIDGE, I DON'T CARE!" Derrick and Robbie both sing, a lyric which is more reflective of both of their looks than the Wizard of Oz was.
In a desperate attempt to outshine Derrick's flipping and somersaulting and handstanding, Robbie rips her wig off and flings it to the side.
While this improves her hairline significantly, she fails to obey the number one runway rule: don't take off your wig unless you're wearing another one underneath.
As Derrick breaks into another backwards-somersault-handstand, Robbie has nothing to do but stumble around without a wig on like a cancer patient looking for her medication.
Unsurprisingly this doesn't impress RuPaul, and Robbie is told to sashay away.
It's such a sad moment for Robbie, so fortunately Derrick is on hand to make it all about her.
Well that's it for this episode - better move on and READ EPISODE SEVEN. Or go back in time and READ EPISODE FIVE again!