Yes, 15 weeks after the season 8 finale aired and exactly 14 weeks and six days after everyone completely stopped caring about it, I am back and ready to recap!
Technically I've only delayed this recap by nine weeks, as six of the last 15 weeks were spent jetsetting around America on holiday, including Los Angeles where I got to visit the RuPaul shop at Sweet on Hollywood Boulevard:
The Shade Tree was even crappier in real life.
I even got to thrust a dollar at Morgan McMichaels at Hamburger Mary's:
More than RuPaul ever gave her.
AND WHAT'S NINE WEEKS BETWEEN FRIENDS, EH?
To be perfectly honest it's taken me that long to get over the shock elimination of Chi Chi in episode nine.
Accurate impression of me since mid May.
Right so anyway, here we are at the finale, which everyone has already seen and nobody cares about anymore, and I can't remember a single thing that happened this season or who was even in it but ISN'T THIS JUST SO EXCITING I WONDER WHO WILL WIN?
Speaking of memory loss, let's not forget the annual Bland Canyon Drag Race Finale Drinking Game! Pop your Fruity Lexia, get out your goonbags and get ready to party like alcohol related brain impairment isn't a thing!
These ladies haven't even had a drink yet, they're just excited.
The rules are simple. Just drink a shot when:
* One of the Bland Canyon Holy Six Pack appears.
* RuPaul looks a million times better than anyone else on stage.
* "Purse first".
* Everyone pretends Acid Betty is a bitch.
* Everyone pretends Kim Chi is fat.
* An eliminated queen suffers from the delusion that the audience still cares about her and things get awkward.
* Manila Luzon wears that one pineapple outfit she has. Again.
* Someone wears a giant fleshy crown grafted on to their head complete with veins and decorative cockroaches.
OK, so that last one is probably unlikely. Not sure why I included it, to be honest.
Anyway so here we all are at the Orpheum Theatre in "downtown Los Angeles" (for all those people who are running late on the night and need to know exactly what part of town it's in) and once again it's a star-studded evening, with celebrities positively spilling into the aisles!
Er. THIS QUEEN!
Gimme a second... her face rings a bell...
And please welcome... your first drink for the evening!
Sharon's plastic surgery has gone way too far. I mean, an arm coming out of her neck now? JUST STOP, SHARON.
Cheers to that season one filter!
I haven't even seen everyone else on stage yet but I guarantee Ru looks better than all of them.
So there they all are, and... oh crap.
Pour one out.
Hey, how are you doing so far?
"Yeah good thanks."
Realising they are dangerously close to losing their millennial audience due to this extended parade of people who were famous five years ago, the producers quickly scan the audience for Miley Cyrus but can't find her, so instead cut to Bianca Del Rio, who sadly got her dates confused and thought she was going to a fancy dress party at Michelle Visage's house with the theme "Come as your favourite 1980s cult film character".
She is the lovechild of Frank N Furter and Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science, obviously.
I think you'll find this checks out.
"Wait, wait, someone's missing! Raja, can I borrow your phone?" says RuPaul, as everyone immediately gets a strong sense of foreboding that a comedy bit is coming.
"How soon can you get here?" RuPaul acts into the phone, as the audience waits on the edge of their seats for the hilarious punchline that is no doubt on the way.
The girl on the left is all of us.
Oh man, this is going to be good! This is going to be so funny! WHO WILL IT BE? I can't wait!
Oh here it is, it's... it's...
Oh. It's the clown from that thing they did in episode one. Good one.
Luckily everyone is drunk, so they all roar with laughter at this totally unfunny gag.
Speaking of which - bottoms up. Make it a pina colada.
"I just wanna say, I LOVE YOUR MAKE UP!" Bianca shrieks at the clown.
"Ha ha ha."
"Hey, enough clowning around!" guffaws RuPaul.
The audience is loving this banter.
With the crowd sufficiently in stitches, it's time for the Parade of the Damned, aka the Walk of Shame, aka All the Eliminated Queens We No Longer Care About Reminding Us They Still Exist Parade, which starts with Dax Exclamation Point aka Mark who has come as the lovechild of comic book superheroes Storm and Thor:
After this thing was born, the X Men were barred from having any more X rated orgies.
Next up is Laila McQueen who looks as excited as someone who's gone to replace the toilet roll and discovered they're out of paper, but it's good to see she's been keeping an eye on her figure:
Then there's Cynthia Lee Fontaine, who has just been appointed official ambassador of the National Colon Health Association and so tonight is dressed as a medical diagram of a rectum with haemmorhoids:
+1 for raising awareness of this serious medical condition.
Then, just in case anyone misses the subtle visual metaphor:
"The National Colon Heath Association: You've got to love your bum."
Also: "cu cu". Drink.
"The beauty has arrived - give it up for Naysha Lopez!" announces Michelle Visage.
Sure, when is it getting here?
"She's BITCH perfect! Get ready to trip with Acid Betty!" says Michelle Visage.
Which means you have to drink.
Derrick Barry, take note: THIS is how you wear a shower curtain.
Meanwhile, judge Carson Kressley's last minute call in sick is looking slightly sketchy:
"Who me? No, I'm not Carson Kressley, I'm... Karson Cressley!
Moving on to Robbie Turner who after nine weeks of watching herself get trampled on international TV, has seized the opportunity to remind everyone just how boring she is:
An orange dress. That's... nice.
Next is Thorgy Thor, who got her iCalendar mixed up and thought she was going to a "come as your favourite obscure 90s pop culture reference" fancy dress party at Mathu Andersen's house, and has come as the opera singer from The Fifth Element in costume as Clifford from the Muppets:
OH MY GOD LOOK IT'S COURTNEY ACT!
Oh no wait, it's just Derrick Barry.
Thanks to Drag Race beating it out of her every episode Derrick, who is a professional Britney Spears impersonator, looks less like Britney Spears than ever before.
Although to be fair, not even Britney looks like Britney anymore, so...
Moving on to Chi Chi De Vayne:
She's also going to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Drag Race queens who were robbed".
Gee I'm starting to get thirsty, can Cynthia show her cu-cu again or something...
Oh good, here's Alaska. Take a drink.
Alaska is also off to a fancy dress party, with the theme of "ugliest fucking dress in the universe".
And finally we reach our top three with Bob, who walks onto the catwalk purse first BECAUSE THAT JOKE WILL NEVER GET OLD HA HA HA.
You know what to do.
And Kim Chi, who looks like an alien that came to earth and tried to fit in with society but whose only knowledge of human culture was gleaned from reading a "Fashions of 18th Century France" textbook it found in the spare room of its spaceship:
It's a very specific look.
And finally Naomi Smalls, who has decided to make a public statement against the "Disneyfication" of Star Wars by coming dressed as Princess Leia emerging from a garbage bag:
So many layers of meaning. And lipstick.
"Ladies and gentlemen - RUPAUL!" shouts Michelle Visage, as a glowing orb of light floats in from the back of the stage to thunderous applause.
Actual episode footage.
Oh also, drink.
Because COME ON.
"Blah blah blah THE JUDGES!" declares RuPaul.
Inner monologues, L-R: "I'm famous, weee!"
"Shit, I think my fifth layer of Spanx just split."
"IT'S KICKING IN!"
RuPaul explains that she hasn't picked a winner yet, and that the final three queens are still going to have to lip sync for their lives and yada yada yada.
Meanwhile, now we know where in the world Carmen Sandiego was all this time:
At Burger King.
Moving on to the musical portion of the evening, where the top three queens come out and sing whatever piece of crap song Lucian Piane had rejected for RuPaul's last album.
"...give it up for Bob the Drag Queen!" shouts RuPaul, as Bob struts through the audience looking like Missy Elliot on a meth binge.
"But Bob, we haven't finished building the stage yet, it's not safe!"
"OUTTA MY WAY, PEASANT."
Bob's song is called "I Don't Like to Show Off", which is funny because, like, SHE TOTALLY DOES! Ha ha! Purse first!
But you know what: it's a banger. The song is catchy, the choreography is great, and Bob just overall kills it.
Which explains why the finale looks like a crime scene.
"I TOLD HER IT WASN'T SAFE!" weeps the sexy construction worker.
But no matter, the crowd has gone wild for Bob, especially this dude:
Even the woman rabidly cheering to his right is like "Woah dude, calm down."
(Also - purse first, so probably drink.)
"Judges, what did you think?" asks RuPaul.
"I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE."
"You CAN be more popular than Michelle, just THINK it and BE it, Ross... "
"This is my judging face! I've been practising it all week!"
"Now Bob, when did you first become aware of drag?" asks RuPaul
"I used to watch To Wong Foo," says Bob, and everyone squeals as if it's a classic film and not just a shitty rip off of Priscilla Queen of the Desert with a terrible title.
Meanwhile, all the Aussies in the room like...
Oh. Right, yes. Of course. They WERE good.
So good in fact that Carol Channing herself has popped out of her cryogenic chamber long enough to send Bob a special video message.
"Stop doing my schtick or I'll sue," says Carol.
I'm glad they labelled her, or I would never have been able to tell who was who.
"RuPaul, I have watched all 109 episodes of Drag Race and I noticed you have never walked into the room..."
(wait for it)
(wait for it)
Do you have to?
Yes, you do.
"It's perfect, I love it! PURSE FIRST!" says RuPaul.
Dear god, make it stop.
YES, YOU HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. IT'S THE LAW.
"Hmm, better open another one, there's still 45 minutes of this shit to go."
Next to the stage is our second finalist Kim Chi with her brand new song "Fat, Fem and Asian".
You're going to want to go ahead and cancel your plans for tomorrow morning.
As we know from having been repeatedly told over the last nine episodes, Kim Chi can't dance without causing an international incident, so the producers have solved the problem by dressing her in a circus tent and forcing her to shuffle slowly in one direction only while waving her hands about.
It is as spectacular as it sounds.
Desperate to keep their viewers awake, the producers throw a challenge to the audience to see if anyone can produce a more ridiculous reaction than the "purse first guy" from before:
This person wins.
"Wow Kim Chi I love that song - it's got a good beat and you CAN'T dance to it," jokes RuPaul.
These guys are now first place in the audience over reaction competition.
"Let's hear from the judges!" says RuPaul, who is so bored she's started doing sudoku on the side of stage.
"Seriously you guys, I think my Spanx are strangling me. I can't breathe."
"LOOK AT MY ACCESSORIES! No seriously, look at them, I'm getting paid to wear this crap."
"You guys like me, right?"
RuPaul asks where Kim Chi gets her inspiration from for her looks.
"Every day life and nature," says Kim Chi.
Then Kim Chi admits she still hasn't told her mother about her drag career. Somehow, Kim's mother has managed to avoid nine whole weeks of a internationally televised drag competition starring her son.
Kim Chi's mum.
Meanwhile, note to Kim Chi: SHE TOTALLY KNOWS, DUDE.
Then Kim Chi points out her friends supporting her in the audience: Ryan, Diana, Amy and Trixie.
Yep, just her mate Trixie.
Just her old pal Trixie from back home, nobody special at all.
There has never been a shadier on-screen caption than this.
Then two of the Pit Crew grab the microphone to ask Kim Chi a fan question from Facebook and thank god because this is honestly the most interesting thing that's happened so far:
They know how to work a mic.
"If you could lose your virginity to a member of the Pit Crew, who would it be?" asks the hot one. Who is standing next to the hot one.
Well this guy is clearly back in first place now.
Enjoy your continued virginity, Kim Chi.
Then this happens...
About which the least said the better, I think.
...and we move on to Naomi Smalls with her musical performance of "Legs", a song about the benefits of being ambulant.
It's a really great song, it goes "Legs! Legs! Legs! Legs!"
Meanwhile, watching at home:
"What a rip off."
The song is pretty good, even though it includes the lyric "I'm legendary - all leg, no dairy" which, let's just admit it now, HAS NEVER MADE SENSE.
Sorry mate, it's true.
"Over to the judges," says RuPaul.
"OK, that's two, count 'em , TWO sets of Spanx that have now split. Can I get some reinforcements please?"
"I AM JUDGING! I AM POINTING!"
"I can point too! Love me!"
RuPaul tries to interview Naomi about her life and journey on the show, but Naomi's lips are so big all that comes out is "mmmnhnh mhh hhhmmm".
Bad luck, Naomi.
It looks like she' accidentally swallowed a couch.
Fortunately they're able to fill the two minutes of dead air with a special video message from one of Naomi's biggest celebrity fans - actress Lena Headey from Game of Thrones!
You can tell Naomi is a HUGE Game of Thrones fan and knows EXACTLY who she is.
"Oh wow! I love... games!"
RuPaul asks her a few more questions and we meet her family and yada yada yada.
It's all a bit boring so, sensing she might not be able to beat Bob at the final hurdle, Naomi makes a last ditch effort to win the night's Audience Overreation Prize instead:
Solid effort, but that bloke from before is going to be hard to beat.
Right, enough of our top three, it's time for the part we've all been waiting for: the Awkward Conversations With Eliminated Queens Segment!
RuPaul reaches into her handbag and pulls out her Little Big Book of Bad Conversation Starters, turns to chapter three and reads: "Mark, I hear the song 'I Will Survive' has been haunting you since your elimination?"
"Yes, literally everywhere I go, it could be a gas station, grocery store, anywhere, it just happens to come on," says Mark.
Cool story bro.
"If I were you I'd record a new song, call it 'I DIDN'T Survive!" jokes RuPaul.
Well, this is going superbly.
"Seriously though, there are no losers on Drag Race," says RuPaul.
Well, ALMOST no losers.
"Laila, did you ever imagine you'd be here on this stage?" asks RuPaul.
"Oh absolutely not. I was performing in function halls and Mexican restaurants," she says.
"And now I'm performing in slightly bigger function halls and Italian restaurants! It's a dream come true!"
"Oh that's too bad that you have to hear Gloria Gaynor everywhere you go, I'VE GOT CANCER."
"Cynthia Lee Fontaine, we are coo-coo for your cu-cu," says RuPaul.
What better way to celebrate recovery from liver cancer, eh?
Next on stage are Naysha Lopez and Acid Betty, with an important health message for the kids:
"Having been on the show, what are the fans like?" RuPaul asks Acid Betty, ignoring Naysha because. Well.
"I love the fans, the fans are the BEST," says Acid Betty, as the camera cuts to the rest of the queens on stage.
At least three people in this front row have no idea what she's talking about.
Acid Betty gets a special video message from Nancy Grace, everyone pretends to be thrilled, yada yada yada.
BREAKING NEWS: Alyssa Edwards has just snatched first place in the Audience Overreaction Olympics:
She'll be hard to beat.
Next on stage is Robbie Turner, Thorgy Thor and Derrick Barry, who together look like Rita Hayworth and Britney Spears starring in a Dimetapp commercial, with Thorgy playing the role of the "phlegmy cough".
"Just keep smiling and no one will realise how boring this is."
Robbie talks about old films, everyone tries to stay awake, and then Thorgy plays the violin for some reason.
Robbie: "I wonder what it's like to have a talent."
Derrick: "Who needs talent?"
"Now, you struggled to get out of the Britney box," RuPaul tells Derrick, which are coincidentally the first words Britney's son Jayden heard after he was born.
"I wanted to come on the show to expand what I already do and take it to the next level, and I think I did that," says Derrick.
Bob got a video message from Carol Channing, Kim Chi got a video message from Margaret Cho, Naomi got a video message from Lena Headey, Acid Betty got a video message from Nancy Grace, so it's only fitting that the world's foremost Britney Spears impersonator Derrick Barry gets a video message from...
No one. Bad luck, Derrick.
BREAKING: Roxxy Andrews has really stepped up her look!
Good for you, girl!
BREAKING: Have you lost your key ring?
This guy might have it.
Moving on to Chi Chi De Vayne, looking like Divine in an all-drag remake of The Matrix.
"Will you use the red lipstick, or the blue lipstick?"
"The Dreamgirls lip sync you did was legendary, and I'm not the only one who thought so," says RuPaul, throwing to a special video message for Chi Chi from singer Jennifer Holliday, one of the original cast of Dreamgirls the musical.
"That's OK I don't mind Britney is very busy she's a very busy star with a career and a family I'm sure she was just really busy..."
And finally, after what feels like at least 17 years, it's time to announce the winner of...
...the Miss Congeniality award.
Yes, I know, we all feel the same.
Out comes last year's winner Katya looking like your weird auntie's spare room, except with more junk.
In honour of the show's new sponsorship arrangement with the National Science Education Trust of America, Katya and Ru stand side by side to do a live demonstration of the Ames Illusion:
"If you ever do this to me again I will cut your legs off."
In a surprise akin to opening a packet of chips and finding chips inside, Cynthia Lee Fontaine wins Miss Congeniality and promises to continue "showing her cu-cu to the world".
If this isn't you right now you've been doing it wrong.
Meanwhile, is that Milk? And Max?
PLEASE TELL ME THEY'RE DATING OH PLEASE.
Now that everyone is either passed out from alcohol, boredom or both, it's finally time to announce the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race season 8...
...right after a parade of previous winners.
This parade is entirely boring save for the following highlights:
* Tyra Sanchez looking less like she's attending a glitzy finale taping, and more like she's modelling the latest in business-casual for JC Penney:
Well, the prize was only $25,000 in her day.
* Raja looking more like Madonna than Madonna has in about 30 years:
"COME ON, VOGUE!" - Laganja Estranga
* Sharon Needles looking great as always:
PS: Drink. She clearly has.
Drink again. Make it a stiff one for that hideous dress.
* Chad Michaels doing an ill-advised tribute to Sasha Belle's look from season seven, episode two:
Not only does this outfit look like a cockroach, it refuses to die too.
* Jinkx. Drink.
* Bianca. Drink.
* Violet Chachki looking fly as fuck.
And continuing the cockroach theme, so kudos to her.
* Violet removing her hood to reveal a giant fleshy crown grafted on to her head complete with veins and...
Oh. Drink, I guess.
Right, so the interviews are done. Miss Congeniality is done. The pointless parades are over.
It's NOW time to reveal the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race season 8!
They have actually been standing there for 37 hours straight waiting for the formalities to be over. Kim Chi has started to hallucinate that Naomi is a donut.
Will it be Naomi? Doubtful.
Will it be Kim Chi? Probably not.
Will it be Bob? GEE I DUNNO.
Yes, it's Bob.
RuPaul tries to give Bob her crown, but it's grafted to Violet's head, so she has to make do with a sceptre.
"My queen, is there anything you have anything to say?" asks RuPaul.
"Yes I do," Bob says.
"I'm going to keep it to just one thing," she continues.
Don't say it.
"Take whatever you love about yourself and..."
"...WALK INTO THE WORLD PURSE FIRST!"
Want more? Go back and read EPISODE NINE. Or wait a few days for my RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars Season Two recaps, coming soon!