Tuesday, April 04, 2017

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 9, Episode 2

When we last saw our queens RuPaul had just dropped the utterly unimpressive bombshell that she was introducing a fourteenth competitor to the race (like, we just met 13 of them, what does one more matter - introduce five more if you like) - leaving us only with a mysterious silhouette to puzzle over for a week.


This isn't the first time Drag Race's core audience has been obsessed with a little head.

Now it's time for that fourteenth queen to be revealed - but who will it be?

Could it be fan favourite Katya from season seven?

Leggy supermodel Naomi Smalls from season eight?

OH CHRIST NO.

Whoever it is, I'm just hoping it isn't someone with an annoying catchphrase.

"HOW YOU DOIN' MIS AMORES, ARE YOU READY TO SEE MY CUCU AGAIN?"

Oh great.

For those new to the Drag Race family, Cynthia Lee Fontaine is 35, from Austin, Texas and was crowned Miss Congeniality of season eight.

She is also physically incapable of getting through a single sentence without using the word "cucu" - her own made-up slang for "ass" - so if you feel like dying, play a drinking game where you take a shot every time she says it.

You, 20 minutes in to episode two.

With our fourteenth queen announced and everyone else suitably nonplussed, we head back to the Werk Room where Ugly Statue RuPaul is busy trying to teach a lamp how to Vogue:

Both of them are better at it than Jaymes Mansfield.

All the queens plonk themselves down around a werk table and start congratulating Cynthia on her return to the show, and on her recovery from liver cancer which isn't quite as impressive an achievement but you know, good for her.

"MY CUCU IS FANTASTIC GIRL! THIS CUCU IS READY!"

When you want to slap a ho but you have to smile because she just beat liver cancer.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where ev...

"I DIDN'T KNOW THIS CUCU WAS HAPPENING TODAY!"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SAY CUCU BEFORE I CAN LAUNCH A T SHIRT LINE?"

As all the queens rush to their workstations, Jaymes Mansfield walks slowly to the centre of the room, clears her throat and prepares to deliver the funniest joke in the world to prove once and for all that she's a comedy queen to be reckoned with.

She's been working on it all night. She knows it's going to kill. This is her big moment. She opens her arms wide, throws back her head and...

"SHE DONE ALREADY HAD HERSES!"

Oh well, I guess it'll have to wait.

"If you can't love yourself, let me. I'm your biggest fan. You're all number one. Blah blah blah sporting puns," says a producer pretending to be the voice of RuPaul, as everyone stares up at the giant piece of cardboard on the wall that they're all pretending is a flatscreen TV.

"Jaymes, shh, the cardboard is saying something!"

Suddenly an eerie high pitched wail pierces the air - everyone is concerned until they realise it's just Jaymes crying, and they all go back to staring at the cardboard.

But then the floor starts rumbling, and the ceiling begins to shake, and there's a dreadful banging at the top of the stairs as the door swings open to reveal...

Lisa Kudrow?

Yes, it's that famous gay icon Lisa Kudrow!

You know, the actress who played the least popular one on Friends, and then did... some other stuff.

Her!

Half a second after a producer said "Welcome your new celebrity guest - Madonna!" and half a second before they added "Psych, it's Lisa Kudrow."


"Lady Gaga was just here, and now - Lisa Kudrow," says Peppermint.

Insert shade sound effect here.


"I just ran into her on the lot, and she wanted to come in and say hello," says RuPaul, which sounds rather more like an excuse than an introduction.

"Honestly, she just followed me in here, I couldn't say no - she's so cute!"


RuPaul asks Lisa Kudrow to say her catchphrase, and she says "I got it!", and everyone laughs hysterically like they have the first clue what it means or where it's from, and then it's time for the first challenge.

Wow, I can't wait to see what they're going to do with this awesome celebrity guest star - maybe they'll have to re-enact a scene from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion!

Wait, is this actually a still from Drag Race...?


Or maybe they'll have to recreate an episode of Friends, with Cynthia as Monica...

When we first met Cynthia back in episode one of season eight, I described her as "Courtney Cox on a meth binge" so it's good to see this joke come full circle.


...and Trinity as Rachel...

She had such an iconic look.

...and Aja as Joey:

She's big in Japan.

Ooh this is exciting, what will it be? What will Lisa Kudrow get them to do? What will they...

Oh, OK. Well it was nice meeting you.


"When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a cheerleader," says RuPaul as Lisa Kudrow quietly closes the door behind her and everyone silently agrees to pretend that last segment never happened.

"So for this week's maxi challenge you'll be competing in the biggest, baddest cheer battle in herstory - hashtag 'queer cheers'!"

Queer Cheers: An LGBT reimagining of the hit 1980s sitcom in which Norm reveals he's a crossdresser.


Nina Bo'nina and Cynthia Lee are declared "squad leaders" and pick their teams; Valentina is picked last because she's so damn handsome she makes everyone forget their own name, as well as hers.

THE BEAUTY, IT BURNS MY EYES.

RuPaul announces that Nina Bo'nina's team will be "Team Glamazon", which I suppose means they'll have to perform to whatever crap new song she has out at the moment.

Cynthia's team, on the other hand, will be cheering for "extra special guest judges the B52s!".

"Are they like, a vitamin or something?"

Over on Team Glamazon, Aja notices each lyric of their cheer features a different adjective, and cleverly suggests assigning a line per queen based on who's the best match.

"I wanna be 'sassy'," she says.

"Can I be 'flirty'?" asks Shea Coulee.

"Hmm, there isn't one here for 'unfunny', sorry Jaymes."


Recognising there's no lyric for "boring", Aja suggests the next best thing for Jaymes - "snoozy".

"I think if you did 'snoozy' it would be really funny," says Aja, who has clearly forgotten Jaymes already tried that in episode one.

And it wasn't.


"I think 'floozy' is more my role because it's all about high energy and being over the top," says Jaymes, who has gotten momentarily confused and has started listing things that she isn't.

But a lack of talent isn't the only thing standing in Jaymes' way, as a voice from the corner suddenly booms: "I WANT 'FLOOZY'."

She's Alexis Michelle, and she isn't taking any of your shit.


"Take 'snoozy' girl, it'll be hilarious," says Alexis, in the same encouraging way a murderer might urge their victim to "just take a sip" of the delicious drink they've just poured for them.

"Gee this cocktail tastes kinda funny, Alexis, are you sure it's OK..."


Fortunately for Jaymes though, at least one person there knows how to manipulate Alexis: massage her ego.

"Honestly Alexis I feel like even though 'snoozy' might be a challenge, it's a challenge you can definitely rise to," Shea Coulee says.

"Well I did win that Emmy..."


"You're right, girl. I can do any of these - I'm an actress," Alexis says, taking a big old bite out of the bait and swallowing it whole.

So Jaymes gets to showcase her so far totally absent high energy with "floozy" and Alexis gets to show off her superior acting skills by acting slightly tired with "snoozy". Then they start rehearsing and everyone immediately regrets their decision.

"I'm Charlie, I'm boozy!" cheers Charlie.

"I'm Alexis, I'm snoozy!" cheers Alexis.

...

...

...

...


...


...


Finally, approximately 27 years after her cue, Jaymes jumps in with: "I'm Jaymes, I'm Jewsy! Oh no, wait..."

"Why must I work with these amateurs?"


"Girl you wanted to be the floozy, you gotta sell floozy, and I'm not seeing it yet," says Alexis, who has suddenly morphed into a Broadway casting director and started bossing Jaymes around.

"Let's do it one more time, and I'm going to sing it with you so you can get it in time," she continues.

"Jaymes doesn't seem to be here, mentally," says Shea Coulee, as Alexis struts around barking orders.

"If I play dead she might leave me alone."


Realising she won't make it out alive unless Alexis gets an Oscar, Jaymes finally admits defeat.

"This is going to sound crazy, but why don't we go back to the idea you had before - you do floozy, and I'll do snoozy," she says.

"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA," shrieks Alexis, barely masking her delight.

OK, so from the top!

"I'm Charlie, I'm boozy!"


"I'm Jaymes, I'm floozy!"


"Are you fucking kidding me?"


Well look, obviously learning lines isn't Jaymes' strong suit. Perhaps she'll do better in the other part of the challenge.

Or perhaps not.


Yes that's right, the queens are going to have to learn acrobatics to flip and tumble their way through this cheerleading challenge, and possibly also through the nearest emergency ward.

Naturally, they are delighted at this turn of events.

Her cucu is shaking in anticipation.


"I am so pissed," whinges Kimora.

"Who does cartwheels anymore? It's not even the '80s."

"I'm sorry Simone but we'll have to revoke your medals - we've just learned gymnastics stopped being a thing in 1989."


"We're going to teach you how to stunt, so you can do some pyramids," announces the gymnastics coach.

"I already know how to do that," says Alexis.

"Oh wait, you said 'stunt'? Sorry, misheard."


And so begins the acrobatics training, with everybody learning how to form a pyramid by grabbing a queen's legs and thrusting her towards the ceiling.

They all have a go with Valentina but unfortunately don't get close enough to actually put her through. Never mind, better luck next time.

Back at the Werk Room, Peppermint is looking for a pair of bloomers to wear under her cheerleading skirt.

"What is a bloomer?" says Kimora, screwing her face up.

"Is that like, when you're naked and your partner gets out his... oh wait, they're pants? Oh OK."


Not that Kimora has time for bloomers, she's too busy complaining about having to stone her outfit with diamantes.

"I think when you stone anything it's just an excuse to look great without really even being great. Stoning is for ugly girls," she says.

OK Kimora.


"This is why I pay someone to do this," she whinges, as she battles the chronic exhaustion that comes from glueing 10 diamantes to a piece of spandex.

"Eureka will you do this for me? I'm getting tired, I'm getting thirsty and I'm getting anxiety right now."

Hey, Kimora?

They really don't.


Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where everyone is dragging up except for Valentina, who is too busy praying to her Virgin of Guadalupe candle.

"I don't turn it on," Valentina sighs, oblivious to the millions of virgins she IS turning on every week.

The last time Valentina got this close to a virgin, she was nearly arrested.


Clearly looking to inject more drama into the episode, the producers get Peppermint to tell a story about how she got beaten up once at school for having a crush on another boy.

Then Cynthia reminds everyone how she used to have liver cancer.

OK fine you win.


But enough of all this melodrama, because...

...IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* Having remembered she is the host of an international drag show, RuPaul has finally shown up in drag. Unfortunately, it's this drag, which makes her look like a toilet roll holder from 1974:

That's RuPaul on the left.


* And she's not the only one:

Pro tip: cleverly conceal the seam of your Boobs for Queens chestplate with a chunky necklace.


* Joining them on the judging panel is this wax sculpture of hit 1980s band The B52s:

It was made by the same artist who did the RuPaul statue in the Werk Room.


* First up is the cheerleading challenge, which involves all the queens running around together, tumbling and flipping and screaming at once.

Aka: a regular Tuesday night at RuPaul's house.

* It's certainly a dangerous challenge - luckily Trinity has brought her helmet:


This is literally a mixing bowl with hair glued to it.

Sasha Velour heard "cheerleader chic" and came up with "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane goes to a 'crack house' themed sorority party":

"But you ARE in the chair, Blanche!"

* Meanwhile, Cynthia's team has lyrics that go "I'm Farrah - I'm thorny, I'm Peppermint - I'm corny, I'm Valentina - I'm also corny!" AND LITERALLY NO ONE SAYS THEY ARE HORNY. What a wasted opportunity.

* Moving on to the runway challenge, which RuPaul has this week declared "White Party Realness". It's not quite as political as the "White Supremacist Party Realness" one of the producers suggested, but it'll do.

* First up is BCOF Nina Bo'Nina Brown who may well have used up all her good looks in episode one because what the hell is this?

After mouse and peach and lace face, this boring leotard/fishnets combo is what she serves in episode two? GIRL, REALLY? COLOUR ME DISAPPOINTED.


* AND IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THE BUSTED FISHNET?

NO ONE?


* Then there's Alexis Michelle, looking like Mr Whippy's wife got invited to the Oscars:

Wait til you see her choc top.


* Moving on to Shea Coulee, looking like Barbarella got into an unfortunate accident in the duct tape aisle:

I am HERE for this look though.


* Next up is Charlie Hides, looking like the Snow Queen killed a muppet to make a new coat:

Well they can't all be mink.


* "I've made a true commitment to showing women who are strong," says Sasha Velour.

If you don't believe her, wait til you see where she puts that fist.


* And there's Aja, who decided to pay tribute to the night's earlier cheerleading theme by wearing a jockstrap over her face:

Well, that's one way of getting out of doing your lipstick.


* Next is Jaymes Mansfield, who really does look a lot like Jane Mansfield:

If you made her out of wax and stood her under a heatlamp for a few hours.


* Moving right along to Cynthia Lee Fontaine, whose dress has single-handedly tilted the earth off its axis under the weight of every diamante known to mankind:

"MY CUCU IS BLINDING YOU, YES?"


* Meanwhile, backstage, you can just hear the faint call of the rare Kimora bird: "Stooooniiiinnng is for uuuuglyyyyy girrrrlllsss"...

* Oh look, Farrah Moan has finally found her Las Vegas look from episode one:

I can't wait to see her white party look next week.


* OH MY GOD, VALENTINA.

Perfection.

* SHUT. IT. DOWN.

I'm sorry, this is too amazing. I'm done.


* BREAKING NEWS: Valentina is the new BCOF.

* Also new on my radar this week is Trinity Taylor, who looks like some sort of porn robot from space. Gold star too for serving some If You Are The One realness:

Don't we all?


* Next is Kimora "Stoning is for Ugly Girls" Blac:

Insert "Whatcha Say" soundtrack here.


* Moving along to Peppermint, who continues to surprise and delight with her unique outfit choices:

I'm sensing a pattern here. A pattern for a long coat in different silks.


* Getting into the spirit of recycling looks from last week is Eureka, who has come dressed as the torch from Aja's statue of liberty outfit:

She has guided many tired sailors home to a warm bed.


* The B52s statue says it likese Charlie's runway outfit, but they can't remember her from the cheerleading challenge, although that may have less to do with her performance and more to do with all the drugs they took in the 80s.

* La Visage says she loves Jaymes Mansfield's "saddlebag hips" which I think is supposed to be a compliment, but given she follows it up with "I think you like to consider yourself a comedy queen but I haven't found anything funny coming from you" it doesn't really matter.

* "You do this airhead schtick, and I think if you committed all the way it'd be great," Ross Mathews tells Jaymes.

It's true - that airhead schtick can even land you a role as a reality TV judge!


* Desperate to pick something out of Valentina's outfit that isn't 100 per cent perfection, Michelle Visage gets out her binoculars and zeroes in on the one centimetre of shoe showing underneath her hem.

"They're not white, they're nude," she says.

Literally no one.


Kimora is also criticised for not being white enough. #TrumpsAmerica

* The B52s statue says Kimora's wig was a standout, but she wasn't.

So, Kimora's wig FTW then?


* "Jaymes needs more voom in his va va," says the B52s statue.

"Wait... does he even HAVE a va va?"


* "He wants to portray herself as this character, when I don't think that character is completely realised yet," says Michelle Visage, whose grasp of English is also not completely realised yet.

* Michelle says she didn't like Trinity's look becaue "we've seen a lot of this over the years".

"I thought it was very original," says the B52s statue.

Michelle's emoji impressions are getting better every week.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge, which this week is actually just the northernmost corner of Ross Matthew's dressing room cordoned off with some old boxes.

In a surprise akin to jumping into the Atlantic and finding it a bit wet, Valentina is declared the winner, and is awarded a swag of prizes including a New York Metrocard with two rides left on it, a bottle of Diet Coke that RuPaul once considered opening and a copy of The Diva Rules with the "$2 remaindered" sticker still on the front.


Now who's laughing, eh?

In an even less surprising surprise, Jaymes Mansfield is the first to be sent to the bottom two.

"On the runway you gave us bombshell floozy, but your cheerleading routine was a little snoozy," says RuPaul.

"GOD DAMMIT THAT WAS THE POINT."

Meanwhile, back in the safe zone:

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo...

She's joined by Kimora Blac, who is no stranger to being in a bottom. Sorry, the bottom.

And so it begins - the first lip sync for season nine, to what else but Love Shack? 

Unfortunately no one has explained what's happening to the B52s, who assume they're there to perform:

When your friend starts singing the intro from Love Shack but then just won't stop.


* It becomes evident that, if Kimora has heard this song before, she has no idea what it's about, as she does this action for "heading down the Atlanta highway":

Is she late to get to the highway? Is she checking her pulse to see if she's still alive enough to drive? What is going on here?


Then she does a handgun action for "bang, bang, bang on the door", which suggests she thinks that part of the song is actually about a police drug raid:

"LOVE SHACK MY ASS, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!"


* Still, she's going better than Jaymes Mansfield who clearly has no idea what to do and so is just copying Kimora's every step:

"So we put our arms up, and then... oh we're falling down now? OK, what's next?"


After what feels like about three days of non stop shouting the lip sync ends, and RuPaul announces her decision: it's time for Jaymes Mansfield to sashay away.

COLOUR ME WHOLLY UNSURPRISED. (I did predict this in episode one, remember)

So, any final words, Jaymes?

"I guess it's true what they say: you snooze, you lose."


Doo, doo-doo, doobly-doo, doo....

That's it for this episode kids, now go on and READ EPISODE THREE!

And in the meantime, why not go back and READ EPISODE ONE again? Every click I get earns me at least 3/8 of a cent so it will really help me pay my mortgage.




12 comments :

  1. I fucking live for you. SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!

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  2. I'm hypnotized by the 'both falling down' GIF... can't stop watching! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE your recaps! They are hilarious!!! I wish you could do a short and condensed recap of All Stars 2 someday... just to see what stood out for you!

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    Replies
    1. Yes please to a condensed All Stars 2 recap. Would love to read your thoughts on it.

      Delete
  3. Thank you so much for your wonderful recap. You made my day. After a shitty day of dealing with a teething baby and changing nappies it was amazing to sit down for a quiet moment on my own and have a giggle. "Is that a vitamin?" DEAD.

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  4. Not a fan of Ms CLF or her damn cucu. That was the most underwhelming comebacks on RPDR and that includes Naysha's lack luster return.

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  5. That fall down GIF is everything!! A double elimination should have happened. IMO it was as much a LSFYL fail as the other two that resulted in both being sent home.

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  6. THANK YOU for posting this! Your recaps are more entertaining than the show itself! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  7. Glad you're Back Back Back Back Again! Your Recaps Give me LIFE!! Oh yeah and lotsa laughs too!! :) ;>

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  8. @petstarr Welcome to Valentina's Amor Latino Kingdom, where we are all mesmerized by her beauty and grace... Take a margarita and relax, is gonna be a great season in here *puts pamela back in face and lays back in hamaca*

    ReplyDelete
  9. How. Dare. You. Call. Phoebe. The. Least. Popular. Friend. Are people's Friends opinions in Australia completely different than in America or do you just like, not have good opinions.

    She is by and far the best friend, and is one of the two friends to actually win an Emmy. She is a legend, and if you look at the shitton of polls online, you'll find that she's one of the most popular friends.

    Phoebe is amazing, perfect, flawless, legendary, and immaculate. Delete that factually wrong sentence.

    ReplyDelete
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